Friday, November 25, 2005

15 THINGS NOT FOUND ON SHELVES AT XMAS


Or, aren’t spirited souls with attitude consumers too?

Theolonius McTavish, a merry misanthrope who hates Christmas shopping and would prefer to stuff the stockings of some spirited souls with very hard-to-find gifts that no one seems to have created yet.

Here is a list of 15 slightly odd things that I’m looking for but can’t find in my friendly neighborhood discount department store, or bodacious boutique for that matter:

  1. A Silent Unbook (the innocuous one that doesn't entertain, instruct, preach, talk back or perform any useful function including occupying space on a shelf or tabletop).
  2. Cheapskate Chardonnay, (the one with a really tight screw cap that no one’s figured out how to open yet).
  3. Cockammie White, (goes really well with those famous rubber chicken lunches).
  4. Cheese Please Grigio, (highly recommended by the "Udder Guys").
  5. Ego Erasers, (the kind that removes show-offs and smart-alecks in one easy sweep or swoosh).
  6. Grotesque Gargoyle Soap, (a tribute to those sassy slippery spirits, wardens of the waterspouts, whose soul purpose is to ensure that their grinning mouths spew rainwater effectively not to mention placate the pagan gods, local deities ...and one might add perhaps politicians and potentates of all sorts).
  7. Humble Pie, (wonder if Conrad Black, Donald Trump, or Martha Stewart would be willing to share their recipes?)
  8. Miserly Merlot (for those who have an aversion to singing “99 Bottles of Beer of the Wall”)
  9. Money-Grubber Merlot, (the one you can purchase with food stamps on the last day of the month).
  10. Piker Pinot Noir, (a real vanity vintage if you please).
  11. Posh Plonck, (the one that comes in hot pink label with lots of sparkles and utters sweet nothings in my ear).
  12. Skinflint Shiraz, (the one you can feed your mutt when he won’t stop barking).
  13. Scrimp Sauvignon Blanc, (goes great with peanut butter & jam sandwiches and gives them a bit of a zing).
  14. Stingy Blush Chablis (the non-alcoholic bubbly puff served at funerals, high school proms, and weddings).
  15. Wind-Up Flivver, (one that’s got great mileage, good springs, doesn’t require a key to start, and is so low-tech enought such that no one wants to beg, borrow, buy or steal it).

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Now for people who simply have to purchase something for "difficult people", rather than waiting for the above items to appear, why not check out the following site for some saucy stuff Seeing Is Believing Gifts

1 Comments:

At 7:14 AM, Anonymous M. D. Benoit said...

Seems there's a lot of cheap wine in your list. Myself, I'd like to find burpless ale.

 

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