TEN THINGS NOT TO DO IN JANUARY

Or, pray tell, why not?

Sherlock Tidpit, (a remarkable rumpus-room monitor and a rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a skewed view of reality), is a valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen.

It occurred to me the other day, (as I sat on my tuffet eating my curds and whey), that there are at least TEN things that should never (and I repeat NEVER) be contemplated, considered or carried out during the first month of the year.

1. Make resolutions to be good, bad or downright ugly. (It’s a waste of valuable time that could be devoted to building sandcastles in the air, launching trial balloons, twiddling one’s thumbs and last but not least, counting some sheep at bedtime).

2. Wear red. (It’s a highly over-rated color and should only be worn in an emergency or during the biggest and longest spendthrift season of the year!)

3. Commune with nature …in particular, with bears or plants. (Like #1, it’s not a productive use of one’s energies, considering that both of these living things can’t hear a blooming thing you say ...'cause they’re indisposed ...taking a long winter nap!)

4. Discovering the true personality of a “seagoat”. (Do you really want to know that Capricorns are critical, egotistical, fatalistic, status seeking not to mention slave-driving, dissatisfied perfectionists who only believe that their way is always the best ...so there!)

5. Whistle while you work. (This is a sign of true contentment, a ticket-boo state of affairs, or other hunky-dory stuff that only happens in fairy tales; since life’s not a happily-ever-after story, suck it up and stop blowing wind through your teeth!)

6. Cry in your soup (be it chicken, tomato, or clam chowder). Simpering and sniveling do not become sensitive souls like you who deserve a double shot of a good single malt Scotch (no ice naturally) and lots of high-calorie, high-carb and high-five finger-foods!

7. Hum or sing songs. (Like #5, no one wants to hear someone who can’t hold a tune or remember the words. Best to wait for a cozy campfire in July when one can perform and keep the bears, bugs, plus the other wild beasties off one's back.)

8. Find an Aquarian friend to keep you company. (Just because they’re called the “Water Carrier” of the zodiac doesn’t mean they want to spend time on a beach with you! Ahem … didn’t you know that they’re ambivalent, eccentric, perverse, rude, self-interested, tactless types who lack self-confidence ...besides they exhibit a voyeuristic curiosity about people…and that will undoubtedly include you!)

9. Play musical chairs. (This is, shall we say, a complicated, strenuous, aerobic exercise to begin the year; your time would be better spent banging drums, nails, or even pots…that will appeal to your strong sense of roguish rhythm).

10. Toe-wrestling. (While you may have two left-feet, and that means no tripping the light fantastic for you, toe-wrestling is truly an outdoor recreational pastime best left to a warm weather, beer-guzzling, barbecuing-time of year!)