Friday, February 03, 2006


Or, how to recycle random leftovers from books in one's little loo libary.

Ovid Publius Hadweenizic, Ph.D., Professor of Paltry Prose at the University of Undeniably Unassuming, Uniquely Unheard-Of, Utterly Unobtrusive if Not Highly Under-Rated and Unnecessary Studies.

The object of today’s assignment is to string together sentences shanghaied from a set of saucy stories to create a totally different tale of tacky twaddle.

Like all good fairytales, our story begins with a humble heroine named Polly.

By all accounts, she was “a curiously modern and what would be called ‘neurotic’ type – willful, restless, passionate, but full of feminine fascination.”[i]

Known to her friends as ‘Happy Harpy’, this wonder-wench was often “struck-comickil – rendered speechless or bewildered by surprise or terror” in certain social situations.[ii]

If truth be told, rogue volatiles and unacceptable noises seemed to emanate effortlessly from this rather shame-faced sylph with a sensitive sphincter.

As one eminent individual noted, fear of freeping in public “takes the charm from one’s personality…it kills love and assassinates the finer emotions of the heart, discourages friendship and invites disaster in a hundred forms, leads to sleeplessness, misery and unhappiness”.[iii]

“It is not difficult to imagine a person having a fear of farting. Indeed, the cultural strictures of our society make such a fear almost obligatory. But that such a fear can become obsessive was amply demonstrated in a case reported by psychologists Michael A. Milan and David J. Kolko of Georgia State University.”[iv]

So exactly how did these academics undertake their ground-breaking research on worrisome ‘wayward winds’? According to the Journal of Hot Air Affairs, it seems “the two sybaritic septuagenarians stripped down to their Strumpfhosen and sank into the sumptuous (but waterless) tub – well, the young puppy of a clerk didn’t know whether to avert his gaze or climb in with them, just to clinch the sale.”[v]

Further delving into the phenomenon of the flutterblast or fundus-break mystique reveals that “paranoia can find a home where wise intuition once resided, and a woman might begin to intuit too big a deal out of a little thing. She could misinterpret another’s unfamiliar cultural cues or individual quirks and mistakenly take things personally. Or she could read a person right, but misinterpret wrong – e.g., read a person’s negativity as a bad reaction to a presentation, when it could just be a bad reaction to lunch.”[vi]

’Tenderis! You breedbate! You’ve knocked me over!’” cried Polly Ester, struggling to raise herself up and rearrange her clothing. ‘You sang such a sweet liripoop. Why did you have to spoil it with a mulwine?’”[vii]

If this sad story is leaving you somewhat bemused if not altogether bemoaned, “Good luck to you. There is an awful lot of stuff you don’t know anything about, but you are not alone in this. It’s just that in your case the consequences of not knowing any of this stuff are particularly terrible, but then, hey, that’s just the way the cookie gets completely stomped on and obliterated.”[viii]

“To quote a chapter heading from the Army Corps of Engineers’ publication Wetland Plants of the Pacific Northwest: ‘Wetland Identification Complexities: Life is not Simple.’”[ix]

And not to put too fine a point on it, although life may be complicated, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, and smiling at yourself in the mirror every morning makes you look damn good!

So, when all is said and done, never forget: “The first impression is also the last impression, which is why it is important to always wear clean shoes. You don’t wish to be remembered as the stain on the rug.”[x]


[i] Rolleston, Thomas. Myths & Legends of The Celts. Senate Press Limited: United Kingdom, 1998. Page 300.

[ii]Kacirk, Jeffrey. The Word Museum – The Most Remarkable English Words Ever Forgotten. Simon & Schuster: Toronto, 2000. Page 185.

[iii] Hill, Napoleon. Think & Grow Rich. Ballantine Books: United States, 1993. Pages 224-225.

[iv] Scott, Munroe. A Sympathetic Overview of the Common fart – Oh, Vulgar Wind. Culture Concepts: Toronto, 1994. Page 96.

[v] Gordon, Karen Elizabeth. The Disheveled Dictionary - A Curious Caper Through Our Sumptuous Lexicon. Houghton Mifflin Company: New York, 1997. Page 131.

[vi] Salmansohn, Karen. How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis – Secrets and Strategies for the Working Woman. Three Rivers Press: New York, 1996. Page 269.

[vii] Sperling, Susan Kelz. Poplollies and Bellibones – A Celebration of Lost Words. Penguin Books: Canada, 1977. Page 63.

[viii] Adams, Douglas. Mostly Harmless: The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Part Five. William Heinemann Ltd.: Toronto, 1992. Page 63.

[ix] Mayer, Kathleen. How to Shit in the Woods, An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art. Ten Speed Press: Berkley, California, 1994. Page 36.

[x] Lapham, Lewis. Lapham’s Rules of Influence – A Careerist’s Guide To Success, Status, and Self-Congratulation. Random House: New York, 1999. Page 5.