Thursday, February 02, 2006


Or, Seductive Sipping 101 on Valentine's Day

By Theolonius McTavish, a hunt-the-whistle sort of fellow, who has an insatiable appetite for verbivororous meals, long-winded coffee breaks, and holus-bolus use of old, peculiar, and unusual words that have been long-forgotten by nearly everyone.

Valentine’s Day is one of those highly over-rated occasions that I’d just as soon ignore. However, it’s difficult to avoid a brush with Cupid when retailers keep hustling lovey-dovey lingerie, sentimental sweet-nothings, not to mention chocolate cherubs in your face.

So, if you’re like me, you’ll probably settle for a catchy canoodling card designed to impress the panties off your magnificent minnock, (polite term for 'main-squeeze'). Hopefully, she's not suffering from a bout of the mubblefubbles or mulligrubs, (what we now refer to as 'PMS').

For the latter ailment, I recommend acquiring a little lovedrury (a token of affection) -- something with pots of panache and pizzazz, complemented by oodles of pomp and circumstance. No ...I'm not talking about lingerie, lip-stick or a lovely pair of gold cuff-links.

The only thing in my view that is worth a beloved's bill is a bottle of the best bubbly or a "boudoir of the grape". You know of those voluptuous vinos not unlike a certain "cheeky", "earthy", "full-bodied", "fruity", "robust", "sunny", "smooth", "supple" and "velvety" vamp or "valiant" venturer you know!

According to researchers at Glasgow University, if one consumes two glasses of wine, members of the opposite sex appear more attractive about twenty-five percent. No wonder they say that after a few glasses of grape, "love is blind"!

Here’s a lusty list of little libations for your perky palate to enjoy. (Judging from some of the lascivious labels found below, it would appear that a good many Lords of Lustihood live in America or the land ‘Down Under’!)

Absent Friends, peacock Hill Vineyard (Australia)
Angelic White, Pieter van Gent Winery (Australia)
Angel’s Share, Two Hands Wine (Australia)

Back Pocket, Backpocket Wines (Australia)
Bad Impersonator, Two Hands Wine (Australia)
Ballerina Canopy, Gapsted Wines (Australia)
Bare Bottom Hills, Blown Away (Australia)
Barefoot Bubbly (U.S.A.)
Barefoot on the Beach (U.S.A.)
Bastard Hill, Yarra Burn, Hardy Wine Co. (Australia)
Bee’s Knees, Rymill (Australia)
Bidgeebong, Bidgeebong Wines (Australia)
Big Ass (U.S.A.)
Big Fat & Gutsy, Arakoon Wines (Australia)
Big Ben in Tights, Bloodwood Wines (Australia)
Big Hat, Shelton Wines (Australia)
Bird in Hand, Bird in Hand Winery (Australia)
Bluebutt – Alkoomi Wines (Australia)
Blue Nose (U.S.A.)
Blue Tongue – O’Reilly’s Wines (Australia)
Bogieman, Bogieman Wines (Australia)
Bong Bong, Centennial Vineyards (Australia)
Brilliant Disguise, Two Hands Wines (Australia)
Brave Faces, Two Hands Wines (Australia)
Broomstick, Broomstick Estate (Australia)

Camelot California (U.S.A.)
Casanova’s Storm, Robert Channon Wines (Australia)
Cool Goose, Jarretts of Orange (Australia)

Dark Side of the Moon, Claymore Wines (Australia)
Darling, Darlington Estate Wines (Australia)
Darling Park, Darling Park Wines (Australia)
Devil’s Lair, South Corp. Wines (Australia)
Diva, Chain of Ponds Wines-Adelaide Hills (Australia)
Dr. Red, Mt. Nebo Vineyard Retreat (Australia)
Dry Bore, Glen Eldon Wines (Australia)
Duet, Fox Creek Wines (Australia)
Dulcinea, Dulcinea Wines (Australia)

Ebenezer, Barossa Valley Estate (Australia)
Ebony & Ivory, Deep Woods Estate (Australia)
Elsewhere & Elsewhere Footcrush, Elsewhere Vineyard (Australia)
Epiphany, Barossa Valley Estate (Australia)
Exotica, Palmara Vineyard (Australia)
Exultation, Lark Hill Wine (Australia)

Fat Bastard (France)
Fair Lady, Molly Morgan Vineyard (Australia)
Fifth Leg, Devil’s Lair, South Corp. (Australia)
Finger & Thumb, Jarretts of Orange (Australia)
First Blush, Steinborner Family Vineyards (Australia)
Fizz, Michelini Wines (Australia)
Flagship, Rosemount Estate Wines (Australia)
For Love or Money, Two Hands Wines (Australia)
Full-Sister, Stanley Lambert Wines (Australia)
Fun Dog, Wild Dog Winery (Australia)

Gentleman’s Claret, Sharpe Wines of Orange (Australia)
Giant Steps, Peppers Creek (Australia)
Glamour Puss, Coopers Creek (New Zealand)
Goats Do Roam, (South Africa)
Goddess, Mundrakoona Estate, Artemis Wines (Australia)
Golden Queen, Catspaw Farm (Australia)
Goldies, Granite Ridge Wines (Australia)
Gramps, Orlando Wyndham Group (Australia)

Handpicked, Cabonne (Australia)
Hanging Loose Aloha Rita (U.S.A.)
Harlequin, Brockenwood Cricket Pitch Wines (Australia)
Harmony, Somerset Hill Wines (Australia)
Havelock Hill, Sorrenberg Vineyard (Australia)
Hazard Hill, Plantagenet Wines (Australia)
Headover Heels, Berton Vineyards (Australia)
Hidden Valley Agenda (South Africa)
Hill of Grace, Henschke-Eden Valley (Australia)
Hill of Promise, Hill of Promise Estate (Australia)
Hills of Plenty, Hills of Plenty (Australia)
Hippo Beach, Lazy River Estate (Australia)
Hocus Pocus, Rosabrook (Australia)
Humpers, Tom’s Waterhole Wines Pty. Ltd. (Australia)

Il Bastardo (Italy)
Iron Knob, Longview Vineyard (Australia)
Indra, Lethbridge Wines (Australia)
Ingenue, Castagna (Australia)
Ivanhoe, Ivanhoe Wines (Australia)

Jack of Hearts, Paternoster Wines (Australia)
Jester, Mitolo Wines Australia Pty. Ltd. (Australia)
Jezebel, Cabonne (Australia)
Just Ducky Blush (Canada)

Kama Sutra Wines, (Australia)
Kanga’s Leap, Riverina Estate (Australia)
Kissing Bridge, Cheviot Bridge (Australia)

Lady in Red Blush (Canada)
La Mancha, Dulcinea Wines (Australia)
Lalla Rookh, Cariole Vineyards (Australia)
Left Field, Clovely Estate (Australia)
LeSnoot, Snob Hill Winery (U.S.A.)
Liparita (U.S.A.)
Lillypilly, Lillypilly Estate Wines (Australia)
Liquid Asset, Geoff Merrill Wines (Australia)
Little Boomey, Cabonne (Australia)
Loose End, Gibson Barossa Vale Wines (Australia)
Lotusland (Canada)
Lover’s Hill, Avenel Park Vineyard (Australia)
Lucky Bastard, Samson Hill Estate (Australia)
Lust, Wicked Wines (Australia)
Luxuriance, Hickinbotham (Australia)

Mad Housewife Merlot, Rainer (U.S.A.)
Marge n’ Tina (Argentina)
Magnus Maximus, Mount Eliza Estate (Australia)
Marilyn Merlot (U.S.A.)
Matador, Pieter van Gent Winery & Vineyard (Australia)
Ménage-à-Trois, Hugh Hamilton Wines (Australia)
Merlin Rouge, Knights Eurunderee Winery (Australia)
Mermaids, Hewitson (Australia)
Mia’s Playground (U.S.A.)
Milly Milly, Jarrah Ridge Winery (Australia)
Moothi Mud, CountyView (Australia)
Muscat a Pink, Happs (Australia)
Mustang Sally, Stanley Lambert Wines (Australia)

Naked Grape, Smithbrook (Australia)
Naked Wine, Naked Wine (Australia)
Nappers, Banrock Station, Hardy Wine Co. (Australia)
Navel, Tintella Estate (Australia)
Nellie’s Nest, Poolery Wines (Australia)
New Eden, New Eden Vineyard (Australia)
Noble One, De Bortoli-Riverina (Australia)
Noble Rot Select Pick, Snowy Rivery Winery (Australia)
Nooky Delight, Woody Nook (Australia)
Notorious (Italy)

Obsession (U.S.A.)
Old Bastard, Kaesler Wines (Australia)
Old Codger, Dutschke Wines (Australia)
Old Fart (France)
Old Papa Port, Chateau Barossa (Australia)
Over the Top, Pertaringa Wines & Geoff Hardy Wines (Australia)

Par 3, Wedgetail Estate (Australia)
Paradise Enough, Paradise Enough Wines (Australia)
Passion Peach (Canada)
Peel Ridge, Peel Ridge Wines (Australia)
Perfect Day, Sirromet Wines (Australia)
Phantasy, Lyre Bird Hill Winery (Australia)
Phil’s Fetish, Bellarine Estate Vineyards (Australia)
Picnic Train, Bochara Wines (Australia)
Pretty in Pink, Stevens Brook Estate (Australia)
Promised Land, Taylors Wines (Australia)

Quintessa (U.S.A.)

Racy Rosé, Bremerton Wines (Australia)
Rascal’s Prayer, Beelgara Estate (Australia)
Red Mistress, Molly Morgan Vineyard (Australia)
Red Nipper, BlueManna (Australia)
Red Spot, Penny’s Hill (Australia)
Red Velvet, Lillpilly Estate Wines (Australia)
Romeo, T’Gallant Winemakers (Australia)

Sackville Tawny, Tizzana Winery (Australia)
Scarlet, Logan Wines (Australia)
Screw Kappa Nappa, Don Sebastiani & Sons (U.S.A.)
Secret Garden, Secret Garden Wines (Australia)
Seduction, Dulcinea Wines, (Australia)
Seven Deadly Zins, Michael David Winery (U.S.A.)
Sir Walter’s Secret Raleigh, Raleigh Vineyard & Wines (Australia)
Six Foot Six (Australia)
Size, Kellermeister Holdings (Australia)
Snobs, Snobs Creek Estate Wine (Australia)
Softly, The Silos (Australia)
Sparkle Arse, Hidden River Estate (Australia)
Splash, The Vineyards Estate (Australia)
SpRed, Australian Wine Brands Pty. Ltd. (Australia)
Stag’s Leap, Stag’s Leap Winery (U.S.A.)
SuperMerlova (U.S.A.)
Swagman’s Kiss, Clairault Wines (Australia)
Sweet Caroline Blush, Scherzinger Vineyards (Canada)
Sweetheart & Lapin Dessert Wine, Spiller Estate (Canada)

Tête-à-Tête, Australian Wine Brands Pty. Ltd. (Australia)
The Cat’s Whiskers, Catspaw Farm (Australia)
The Factor, Torbreck Vintners (Australia)
The First, Oliver’s Taranga Vineyards (Australia)
The Gap, Quoin Hill Vineyard (Australia)
The Isolde, Brangayne of Orange (Australia)
The Laughing Magpie, d’Arenberg McLaren Vale (Australia)
The Loose Canon, Hugh Hamilton Wines (Australia)
The Madam, Hugh Hamilton Wines (Australia)
The Merger, Murdoch Wines – Coonawarra (Australia)
The Muskateer, Hidden River Estate (Australia)
The Octavius, The Yalumba Wine Company (Australia)
The Nobbies, Phillip Island Vineyard & Winery (Australia)
The Prospect, The Hanging Rock Winery (Australia)
The Rogue, Nepenthe Wines (Australia)
The Scallywag, Hugh Hamilton Wines (Australia)
The Sticky One, Norse Wines (Australia)
The Tristan, Brangayne of Orange (Australia)
The Wolftrap (South Africa)
Tiger, Tathra (Australia)
Tigress, Hardy Wine Company (Australia)
Toasted Head, Dunnigan Hills - R.H. Philipps VC (U.S.A.)
Tom Cat (New Zealand)
Troubador Red, Lancefield Winery (Australia)
Tropical Decadence, Paradise Estate Wines (Australia)
Two Left Feet, Blossom Winery (Canada)
Tryst, Nepenthe Wines (Australia)

Undercover, Pertaringa Wines & Geoff Hardy Wines (Australia)

Vampire Cab & Merlot (U.S.A.)
Versace, Versace Wines (Australia)
Virgin, Kellermeister Holdings (Australia)
Virgin Vines (U.S.A.)
Vixen, Fox Creek Wines (Australia)
Vivacious Vicky! Kiona Vineyards (U.S.A.)
Victoria, Cooper Wines (Australia)

Wetlands, Grevillea Estate Wines (Australia)
White Lie (U.S.A.)
Wild Witch, Kellermeister Holdings (Australia)

Zingaro (U.S.A.)


Note: Avoid "pinot noir" on Valentine's -- it's known as the "heartbreak grape" (...difficult to grow, hard to decline, and hazardous to suitors.)

Research firm Cyberpulse recently indicated that 59% of women aged 21-39 wish their sweethearts would give them win on Valentine's Day. (It's highly likely they're also allergic to bling, balloons, and bonbons.)

And, the London Sunday Times reported that wine tastings rank abouve all other venues for finding a date. (So don't pass up a paramour and pleasing palate event like this one!)