Wednesday, August 25, 2004

THINGS PERFECTLY NORMAL BEASTS DO

Or... just what is a "Perfectly Normal Beast" anyway?

It's amazing what "Perfectly Normal Beasts" will do in a pinch. Being a "Beast" is one thing, but being a "Perfectly Normal Beast" is quite another.

And being a Perfectly Normal Beast in a pinch, well that's a fate worse than death (especially if hunter-matadors are involved).

Now, if you're the least bit curious about "Life, the Universe and Everything" (including a blessed Bob-fearing planet that shall remain nameless), then you probably know all about Perfectly Normal Beasts.

But, if you've never hazarded a guess about Life, the Universe and Everything and are slightly overwhelmed by such an XL-thought, fear not.

If lost ...then follow these simple instructions:

The following list will help you to navigate the very first stage of this protracted process called, "Discovering Life, the Universe and Everything".

Take a deep breath, think nice thoughts, and follow these instructions (remember -- no ands, ifs, or buts).

Ahem! May I have your attention please!! LISTEN UP TWATS!!! Enough with the tah tah, tally ho, pip pip and all that ... just work with me people and:

(a) show up at any airport,

(b) bring along your passport and a small bag (that you've packed yourself naturally) and,

(c) obtain a boarding pass for the next "Flight of Fancy" (departing whenever enough folks like you show up to take it for goodness sake).

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

Getting back to Perfectly Normal Beasts -- (PNBs for short) -- and the perfectly normal things that they do.

Well for starters, you'll know when you've run into them if they:

(1) appear to be huge, hot, and heaving hoofers (that you've never set eyes upon in a petting zoo or better yet, nor been accosted by them in a dank, dark, and dreary alleyway -- now thank your lucky stars and hustle out of there licketysplit!)

(2) are hanging out in herds on the back nine -- far removed from hunter-matadors (swinging their golf clubs ... just what else would they be swinging!)

(3) seem to be galloping at full speed toward you

(4) are doing a lot of snorting, panting, sweating and sniffing stuff (while galloping at full speed toward you)

(5) occasionally are found breaking wind with ease (incidentally, some fetid-oriented folk consider them a "bullish" sort of investment opportunity)

(6) are known to enjoy lumbering forward with little momentum when happy (or perhaps sick in their tummies from eating far too many hunter-matadors)

(7) are compatible with "one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people-eaters" (although no one can remember their Latin name, let alone their nickname)

(8) are lurching up off their knees and standing, swaying ever so gayly and giddyly (especially if they've had one too many whiffs of grass)

(9) get a tad crimson in the neck (because they simply can't abide being called, "perky", "cute" or heaven forbid, "bellicose") and

(10) show no remorse about thundering around the universe and scaring the pikka birds half to death, hurtling hunting-matadors all over the place, and then galloping off into nothingness or vanishing into thin air (whichever comes first).

__________

For more information about Pefectly Normal Beasts, please read Mostly Harmless (by the late, great British humorist, Douglas Adams). Bibliophiles who adore his works might want to pay a visit to the following websites:

* The Official Douglas Adams site -- http://www.douglasadams.com

* The BBC's Unconventinal Guide to Life, the Universe & Everything --http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2

* A blog about the Hitchhiker's Guide screenplay -- (http://hitchhikers.movies.go.com/hitchblog/interview.htm

For those wishing to know more about Perfectly Normal Beasts, check out the paltry 200 website listings devoted to this somewhat obscure topic (according to the gigantic Google Guessing Gizmo http://www.google.com).

Just in case you need some mighty fine "Night Vision Devices" so as to avoid those sometimes pesky "Pefectly Normal Beasts", check out http://www.backcountrytoys.com (And don't forget to tell Chuck that I sent you!).

And, last but not least...for those of you wanting to know more about "The Evolution of Man - The History of Hunting", or how to "Be the hunter, not the hunted -- hunting safety tips everyone should know", please visit Rebecca Blain's website http://www.discount-hunting-supplies-and-tips.com/turkey-hunting-supplies.html. She's a professional writer and hobbyist -- her work is worth taking a wee peek at (especially if you're an earth-bound, turkey-hunting-matador).