THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T SAY TO A HOUSE GUEST

Or, the fine art of being crass when it really counts!

I don't know about you but house guests are lot like plants. No matter how hard you try, there will always be at least one onion that adores plopping down in your petunia patch.

You can try talking to your pesky plant (about the advantages of repotting), but if "it" remains oblivious to your subtle hints to find a greener pasture elsewhere, stop fretting. No need to push the panic button or let your hair stand on end. Just pickle your potty plant and be done with it!

In case you're wondering what to say under the circumstances, here are a few rollicking retorts designed to solve your dilemma.

1. "I can't believe it's been 7 weeks since you landed on our doorstep asking for advice, warmth, and compassion ...but now it's time for Tarzan to take a swinging vine back to Jane and the jungle-bunnies!"

2. "We padlocked the beer fridge, cut off your supply of pretzels and peanuts, and enrolled you in the next obedience dog training class...but that's just for starters!"

3. "The good news is you won a prize ... the bad news is ...you leave tomorrow morning on a year-long scholarship to the Kalahari Typing School for Men."

4. "You've heard of people living in a fool's paradise -- well we couldn't find a Dunce cap, so we bought a pointy black hat, a black cape and a pair of wellyboots and then signed you up for a hooked-nose makeover with the Wizardess of Oz from next door."

5. "If you insist on eating takeout burgers and supersize fries at every meal, the least we can do is warn you about the dangers of BSE, chronic wasting disease, and of course, my all time favorite...hoof and mouth disease!"

6. "Mother Goose, the Tooth Fairy and The Great Pumpkin have no job openings. But, Hades is hiring fallen angels, so we put your name down for an interview with the Devil on the stroke of midnight tonight...congratulations!"

7. "There's no more toilet paper! So just suck it up, use a leaf, or try on those designer disposable diapers for goodness sake!!"

8. "The two best exercises in the world are making love and kicking butt...you fall into the last category, so bend over 'cause I can hardly wait to send you flying!"

9. "If home is where the heart is, be a dear and peel me a bunch of grapes!"

10. "We're not part of the 500 channel universe yet but maybe you can find what you're looking for using rabbit ears?"

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Note: The author states unequivocally that he/she assumes no liability for the intended or unintended consequences of using the colorful phrases mentioned above. For best results, readers are advised to consult with a member of the Wicked Witch Collective, a pest control specialist or a certified organic farmer before taking action to remove any suspicious things growing in your well-manicured garden.