THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A DAMSEL-IN-DISTRESS

Of course I love your flapping tail, flared nostrils and firey personality ...Dragon Lady!

My son, the Saggitarian archer, has always enjoyed saving damsels-in-distress when he's not busy keeping his head in the clouds (as a pilot). Let's face it, he simply adores adventure ... as long he gets to play Cupid or Prince Charming and doesn't have to ride horseback or slay a slew of fire-belching dragons.

If I recall, the world's best fairy tales seem to revolve around a humungous hero offing all the bad dudes and promising the mousy maven a positive outcome like "we'll be joined at the hip soon dear and then we'll live happily ever after".

Which brings me to why it’s important for males to think twice before blurting out the first thing that comes to mind when dealing with a damsel-in-distress. Let's face it, it’s a tad difficult to extract a foot after it has been firmly planted in one’s mouth. And, spending a month or two in the dog house probably wouldn’t be too much fun unless one's name is “Fido”.

So, before responding to a 911 call from a damsel-in-the-dungeon, here are a few things Prince Charming might wish to avoid saying if he values his title and place at the head table of The Carpet Knights.

-- Get a grip there Princess, I told you there's no Cookie Monster under the bed!

-- Cross-dressing isn’t a disease, it’s what I like to do on my night off.

-- I know it's late honey ... but after signing up for 25 taste tests at the pub tonight, a pit bull barfly ate my frequent flyer card, the servers worked to rule, and my designated driver had a flat tire!

-- I brought you warm milk, ginger snaps and read you a bedtime story … now it’s your turn to scratch my back, rub my toes, and blow in my ear.

-- Of course I love alternative fairy tales, just not the one about King Kong Going Bonkers, Jack the Ripper and the Beanstock, or the Jolly-Challenged Green Giant!

-- Do you think Tarzan enrolled in a bungy-jumping course before he became a swinger?

-- Look honeybun, of course I know where I'm going, so just sit back and enjoy yourself in the backseat, 'cause we're taking the all-expense paid scenic route to our destination tonight!

-- Okay, so I don’t jump tall buildings, walk on water or bite bullets …truth is I’m still waiting to be touched by an angel.

-- Just ‘cause I like hanging out with Big Bird and the Teletubbies doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate grown-ups like you.

-- Yo there "Mother Hubbard", I’ve always admired your skill in domestic affairs …so could ya bring me a bowl of pretzels and a cold one babe.

-- If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, I think I’ll join man’s best friend and live on Pluto thanks.

-- Sir Galahad, Robin Hood, and Zorro are all busy tonight, so how about playing a game of tiddlywinks with me.

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And, if you've got some spare time on your hands while camping out in the doghouse or contemplating the joy of responding to your next 911 damsel-in-distress call, do drop by one of my favorite spots on the net, Rudy Rucker's, "directory of wonderful things" at http://www.boingboing.net