Friday, September 03, 2004

A BRIEF NOTE FROM "THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS"...

By Theolonius McTavish (footman/paramour of "The Quipping Queen" and an eccentric, chronologically-gifted sea-dog with a strange sense of what constitutes “fun”).

For an appreciation of the "Lost City of Atlantis" and the breathtakingly boring yet boisterous, belching blowhards who frequent the "Come-By-Chance" wet bar -- see the reverse side of this ludicrous literary post-card.

Actually, it took a tad longer than I anticipated to get here because HMCS Vacuous-Vixen (based in CFB Esquimalt) had a few gaping holes in it. Acquired recently from the British Navy, the aging damsel needed a “minor” miracle-makeover. Like all pipe dreams however, this one had a few glitches…(not unlike my ripsnorting romp in a pup tent near Tofino, and a visit from the stork nine months later).

Why Atlantis? Well, there was a submarine seat-sale on for “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea” – that’s why! Being a bit of an X-treme explorer, (blame it on my dumpster-diving days), I’ve always been open to unusual experiences. Besides, a seven-day underwater cruise (for $799 plus GST) to help out the cash-strapped Canadian Navy seemed like a good idea at the time.

Did you know a lot of mariners hail from the Prairies? I’m told they’re looking for any excuse to bid farewell to Moose Jaw, Plum Coulee or Bodo, not to mention the frigging beavers, the damn deer, and last but not least, the stinking bison. (This detour has nothing whatever to do with Atlantis -- so just humor me and try getting lost in someone else’s reverie for a change!)

Anyway, thank goodness the venerable vessel was repaired and squeaked by its sea trials …otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to embark on my undersea voyage to Atlantis.

The main port of call was a large red cross on a nautical map marked “Witless Harbour”. Stepping off the cramped and odorous quarters of our pink, sausage-shaped ship, I was greeted by none other than “Neptune” and his companion, “Tony the Tuna”.

JOURNAL ENTRY1: Lost souls will find this place utterly charming at first glance.

Apart from far too many silver-tongued politicians, Atlantis has few attractions worth boasting about -- unless you include an off-beat sea-monster petting zoo named “Nippers Delight”.

The only saving grace in the “lost city” is “Come-By-Chance” -- a popular wet bar and grill featuring google-eyed appetizers. Tucked away in a cubby hole called “Little Seldom Hotel”, this footlocker-sized eating establishment caters to a discerning crowd of flaky codswallopers and an odd assortment of tender groupers, (although where I fit in this culinary caper is anyone’s guess).

JOURNAL ENTRY 2: Avoid eating [hapu upu u] – it’s soft, slithery and squishy on the palate – certainly not worth five gold stars as “The Lost Catch of the Day.”

JOURNAL ENTRY 3: Scratch Atlantis from the “Top 10 Must-See Places Before One Croaks” list!


__________

Those curious to catch a glimpse of the "Lost City of Atlantis" and the breathtakingly boring yet boisterous, belching blowhards who frequent the "Come-By-Chance" wet bar ...check out the colourful characters drawn by illustrator extraordinaire Dale Hitchcock at: http://www.dalehitchcox.com/#octoanchor

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