Tuesday, October 31, 2006

HAVE YOU SEEN "THE GREAT PUMPKIN"?

Or, Where to Hang Out on Halloween in Canada

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., Visiting Professor of Pompous Pinheads & Permutated Pumpkins at the University of Undeniably Useless Undertakings (located in beautiful downtown Grizzly Bear’s Head & The Lean Man, Saskatchewan naturally).

Every year at Halloween, testy tikes from all over the globe manage to send me a gunny sack full of picayune, piffling or patently pitiful questions like: “Where pray tell does "The Great Pumpkin" live?”, “Where’s the best place to find wicked witches at this time of year?” or, “Are there any weird walkabouts worth doing on Halloween in Canada?”

So, in the interest of furthering an appreciation of melancholic, morbid and mumpish morsels of musings on this ghastly ghoulish occasion, please feel free to fill your blessedly barmy boots!

“Where pray tell does The Great Pumpkin live?”

Most likely you will find this valiant vagabond veggie with oodles of vim and vigor tucked away somewhere in one of the following nine cozy corners in this crazy Canuck country: Pumpkin Bay (Ontario), Pumpkin Hill (New Brunswick), Pumpkin Island (Ontario, Nova Scotia), Lac Pumpkin (Quebec), Pumpkin Point (Ontario), Pumpkin Rock (Nova Scotia), Baie Pumpkinseed (Quebec), or Pumkinvine Brook (a small river in Nova Scotia).

Word has it that a smelly sort named “Sasquatch” inhabits the Western environs, (which is why “The Great Pumpkin” had to seek refuge in the god-forsaken geography offered by the other half of the country that’s not over-run with bears, beavers, and blackflies).

“Where’s the best place to find wicked witches at this time of year?”

Often found flying around in black capes with pointy black hats and black leather boots aboard turbo-charged broomsticks, these feisty females will likely be located in “hot spots” like: Lucifer Mountain (Alberta); Bugaboos, Ogre Mountain, or Sorcerer Mountain (British Columbia); Brokenhead, Finger, or Lizard Point (Manitoba); Eel River Crossing (New Brunswick); Blow Me Down, Goblin, Goobies (Newfoundland); Gore (Nova Scotia); Merlin (Ontario), Nail Pond (Prince Edward Island), Magpie and Nitro (Quebec); Cut Knife, Druid or Snipe Lake (Saskatchewan), and last but not least, Snag (Yukon Territories).

If you come across a witch just smile and admire her hexing ability, (unless of course you don’t mind being turned into a tawdry toad for the remainder of your lily-livered life on planet Earth).

Are there any weird walkabouts worth doing in Canada on Halloween?

“The Tacky Tourist Guide to Potty or Peculiar Places Not to Miss Whilst Visiting Canada” recommends the following off-beat, off-the-map, orifices in the wall: Dead Man Flats, Ghost, or Vulcan (Alberta); Flathead, Horsefly, or Spuzzum (British Columbia); Bagot, Button, or Zbaraz (Manitoba); Poodiac (New Brunswick); Billy Butts Pond, Old Man’s Head, and Nicky’s Nose Cove (Newfoundland); Thumb Island (Northwest Territories); Ecum Secum, Mushaboom, and Old Sweat (Nova Scotia); Oldman’s Pocket, Moose Factory, or Pooh Lake (Ontario); Crapaud, Ebenezer, or Old Harry (Prince Edward Island), Aachikaayusaakaasich Portage, (Quebec); and those eye-biting, entertaining towns of Elbow, Eyebrow, or Little Bone (Saskatchewan).

Before I depart, may I wish you a marvellous monster-mashing evening with Morticia & Friends. And do beware of purple people and pumpkin eaters...they've got rather large appetites!

____________

For those who would dearly love to learn more about crazy Canuck Halloween habits, feel free to check out this little gem.

And for those wicked wenches and wiseacre winkers, do drop by a previously-enjoyed pocketbook store, and pick up a cast-off copy of the Queen of the Witches by Jessica Berens. You'll adore the malevolent musings of a posh protagonist named Sheenah, (High Priestess of the Divine Order of Isis and Director of the Witches' Liberation League) and her arch rival/naughty nemesis, Myra, (Clan Mistress and Wiccan Mother of the South London Sisters of Diana).