CALORIE-COUNTING CREATIVE LOAFERS

Or, ever wondered how many calories one burns while sauntering, snoozing, or smacking one’s lips together for eight hours?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a pretty happy dude), whose easy-as-pie attitude to life makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Do-Nothing at the Creative Loafing Institute, (dedicated to the long lost art of lingering, lollygagging or lounging about in the company of oneself or other like-minded folk)

Creative loafers and their kindred spirits, the ever elusive “fit wits”, will be pleased to learn that calories can be burned off in many interesting if not intriguing ways.

As a matter of fact, there’s no need to lift weights, run one’s buns off, or swim 100 lengths of the pool every day. The good news is that practically anything one does such as catching a bit of shut-eye, twiddling one’s thumbs, or whistling a happy tune burns calories off.

For calorie-conscious creative loafers, here’s a list of activities guaranteed to expend a little energy if one feels inclined to impress one's family, friends or the folks next door.

• Riding a bicycle (built for one), going at a speed of 4 mph, will burn five calories per minute; if that’s too strenuous…try hopping on a tricycle or a unicycle!

• Standing at a slot machine for eight hours trying to match those frigging little lemons, oranges and cherries all in a row without losing one’s sanity or burning a large hole in one’s pocket or purse will probably expend 1,402 calories before the day is over.

• Walking at a slow pace all day long, (less than 2mph), whether at work or simply puttering will burn off 1,219 calories as will driving a car around for eight hours looking for a senior with short-term memory-loss or finding a fast-food franchise that serves low-carb cookies and lactose-free milk with one’s latte.

• Typing on a computer, decorating a festive Ho-Ho-Ho Tree, sitting at mirthless meetings and flapping one’s gums vigorously, or simply sitting on one’s tush and talking with cranky clients for eight hours, will use up 914 calories.

• Sleeping for eight hours, (provided one is a mere 160 lbs. and not on any hallucinatory pharmaceuticals), will knock off another 549 calories.

• Watching TV, responding to e-mails, or reading one’s favorite book, (although some may consider these arduous forms of mental gymnastics), will nevertheless count for 50 calories towards fulfilling one's goal to eliminate one pound of cellulite this month!

• And, for those vacuous vegetarians who can’t wait to get their hands on an 8-inch stalk of celery so their chompers and stomach acid can work their magic, they’ll be pleased to know that it requires more than six calories to digest this tasteless piece of stringy stuff.

The moral to this story of muscle musing is not to sweat the small stuff! And remember, “Life is a great big garden, so why not dig it…and forget all about that calorie-counting!”

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