THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T DO YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB

Or, beware of merry miscreants and munchkin messengers!

By Patience Pantperhog, a typical Taurus who on a good day is self-indulgent, slow-moving, and stubborn, and on a bad day is boring, placid and known to engage in lengthy pondering and procrastination when deprived of cookies and a wind-up alarm clock at her bedside

The world of work is a pretty scary spot to hang out in these days. In fact, the rat race is having difficulty in attracting ripsnorting rodents who are willing to work for peanuts and popcorn.

So, it’s not surprising that employers are keenly aware of the need to offer more perks and pats on the back to a new generation of pesky pests keen on learning how to make mountains out of molehills and how to become the next Titan of Tunnel Vision!

For all those wannabe whippersnappers who want to avoid the rat trap and find the pot of goodies at the end of the rainbow, (while plugged into their cell phones, Blackberries, and laptops), here are a few things you probably shouldn’t do your first day on the job:

• Ask for the golden key to the executive washroom and directions to the nearest recycling receptacle for processed tree carcasses and non-violent low-carb fast food.

• Demand a security pass or identity card for your pet turtle named, “Beelzebub”.

• Record a voice-mail greeting that begins, “You have reached offices of Doom & Gloom, how may we help you today!”

• Inquire about peephole policies and what lure to use when fishing off the corporate dock.

• Hold a "Crepitation Contest" to break the ice and see who can produce the best Blue Angel (a High-Altitude Flatus Explosion), calicoe, drag, flam, freep, flutterblast, foul fragrance, fundusbreak, gaseous guffaw, involuntary air, mommadaddy, mud-duck, paradiddle, ruff, skillsaw, slider, sphincter song, thunderclap, vulgar vapor or wayward wind.

• Burst into tears when you’re not allowed to decorate your cubicle with colorful kiddie cutouts from your favorite book, Captain Underpants.

• Pop your head into every nook and cranny with a “Hello, My Name is “Paragon of Positivism”, what’s your handle?

• Complain about the lack of a fitness facility with a jungle gym, monkey bars and punching bags.

• Invite your colleagues over to your corner of the cube farm for a brown-bag picnic and a quick game of strip poker.

• Smack your lips in a lascivious manner and pant profusely when mail is delivered to your desk.

• Drop a note in the company’s suggestion box recommending that they replace “Casual Fridays” with “Cross-Dressing Mondays”.

• Throw a tantrum upon learning that your modest expense account doesn’t cover chewing gum, Smarties, and red licorice sticks.

• Bring your whoopee cushion to work claiming that your doctor prescribed it as an effective ergonomic measure to prevent pain in the posterior.

• Whistle while you work, kneel in a Lotus position on your flying carpet, and worship twice daily at your personal shrine dedicated to "Snow White and the Seven Vertically-Challenged, Multiple Personalitied, Involuntarily Undomiciled Male Members of the Mutant Albino Genetic Recessive Global Minority of the Environmentally-Friendly Cottage Dwelling Community with Temporarily Unmet Needs and Objectives".

Oh, and a word of advice…make sure you master the Bureaucratically-Suitable (BS) buzzwords in your industry, otherwise you may find yourself tossed out on your tush with a delightful dog-eared copy of Who Moved My Cheese? in your sweaty little palms.