Thursday, August 24, 2006


Or, why snowball citizens are giving Earth the cold shoulder!

Theolonius McTavish, a jovial journalist with a natural inclination for odd, off-beat, and peculiar news stories that capture the imagination of odd, off-beat, and peculiar people

The International Astronomical Union today announced their decision to banish plucky Pluto to the wasteland of outer space. As if that wasn't enough, they also stripped this paltry piece of frozen real estate of its status as 'a pathetically picayune place with little going for it besides an odd orbit around the sun'.

Needless to say the Plutons were reportedly a tad "miffed" at this rather nasty bit of news. Word has it that if they had noses, they would have been thoroughly out of joint at being informed that they are no longer welcome as members of the Cosmic Club. As it was, they felt it more in keeping with their galactic cultural traditions to engage in a feisty bit of fastuous flatulation as a way of expressing their disdain for such a dreadful decision.

In response to this provocative proclamation, Pluto's politicians have closed ranks and decided unanimously to roll up their red carpet and send the following communiqué to Earth:

Dear Earthlings,

In light of your recent decision to refer to our citizens as “vertically-challenged people with frosty dispositions”, (also pejoratively known as “ice dwarfs”), and to revoke our position as the ninth planet in your solar system, please be informed that we shall henceforth be establishing our own solar system and hockey league to which you shall not be invited to join.

Effective today, our reputable robot "Hal" has informed us that "Earthlings haven't got a snowball’s chance in hell of landing their spacecraft on Plutonic ice rinks". Further, he recommended we convey our sincere regrets about asteroid belt anglers no longer being welcome to use Pluto's frozen fishing holes as a rest and recreation stop on interstellar tours. And as for Santa dropping by on December 25th to refuel his wretched reindeer, forget it!

We fervently hope that you enjoy figuring out how to land on Jupiter and Mars without crashing your spaceships not to mention have fun flipping burgers in a fast-food restaurant somewhere at the end of your union-busting universe.

The last piece of advice we offer you before parting company is to pick up a copy of Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Take a peek at what happens when "Kevin" shows up. "Just who the heck is Kevin" you ask...well "Kevin" is any random entity that doesn't know nothin' about nothin'. That's why when "Kevin" suddenly hits something, (well anything big or small and everything in between), members of the Department of Spurious Stuff at Department at the University of MaxiMegalon have to interrupt their daily prayer meeting by the poolside.")

All of which brings us to our last point, are you really, really sure that you want to know what's going on in dimensions 13 to 22 of your universe, let alone the parallel one next door?

Yours truly,

The Big Bopper
President and CEO of Planet Pluto.

Reaction from astrologers around the globe has been mixed. The moral majority of the deep physics folks are deeply distraught as the loss of Pluto will mean that some archetypes of the universe will be missing their magnetic forces. On the other hand, a zealous minority of zodiac watchers are rejoicing at the news that Pluto has been unceremoniously kicked out of the Planet Club. Speculation abounds as to whether Scorpio, (the deep musing sign ruled by the former planet Pluto), will be nixed shortly, resulting in fewer politicians being born under this sign to challenge the rule of Zeus, the Big Kahuna or someone called "the Grebulon Leader".

Meanwhile, entertainment executives from Disney Corporation were contemplating the negative impact of this news on the value of their stock portfolio, which is said to have included a long-forgotten investment in an animated dog named “Pluto”.

Teachers around the globe are threatening to delay the opening of the school year. This news of epic proportions has left them truly in a learning lurch. Not only will they be obliged to work with obsolete science textbooks but now they will have to work overtime revising their lesson plans, thereby cutting into their valuable vacation time!

And last but not least, rumblings have been heard beneath the earth’s crust that a Roman God named Pluto, (ruler of the underworld and X-large firecrackers called “Plutonium Puffs”), is going to boycott Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day, and all independence celebrations as a protest against the decision of mortals to make a mess out of the celestial system of gods and goddesses, not to mention create utter havoc in Hades and galaxies like the Milky Way.

So, stay tuned for fall-out from the earth-shattering decision of those fine folk who've invoked the name of science to tinker with the great big sky above, including an itty-bitty spot called "Pluto" that God allegedly created as an afterthought, or maybe it was a one knows for sure.


Heard a voicemail greeting recently, "Somewhere between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea lies Pluto. Press 1 for "The Devil". Press 2 for "Pluto". Press 3 for "The Deep Blue Sea". Press 4 for "Haven't you got anything better to do with your time?"

Those unhappy with the decision of this spurious stargazing society, (especially if they're within earshot of any university), are invited to honk twice if they think Pluto is still a planet.

And for those who feel inclined to "Save Pluto", please pick up your favorite t-shirt and voice your vexation!


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