IDIOTIC IDIOMS

Or, praise be to twisted turns of phrase

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by the Earl of Craboon, a lively lollygagging couple who lounge about in the Court of Quintessential Quaffers & Quirks

• Those who roll up their sleeves never lose their pants or shirt in a game of Crazy 8's.

• People who live in glass houses can’t see through everything.

• She who bumps her head on a glass ceiling also complains about glass slippers that don’t fit.

• If you're going to act like a bull in a china shop, why don't they call you “Cowabungle”?

• If you’re gonna take a bull by the horns, why are you buckling on your chaps and spurs?

• A stitch in time will save a surprise in the behind.

• Don’t try to teach your grandmother how to suck eggs, unless you'd like to eat the eye of newt and toe of a frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog for the rest of your life!

• Never kick a gift horse in the mouth unless of course you like being called a jackass.

• He who let the cat out of the bag probably stole the cat’s pyjamas.

• If you're going to steal my thunder, may it rain cats and dogs upon you!

• Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, unless they have white beards, are dressed in red spandex bodysuits, and are in the company of randy reindeers requesting a shot of ouzo.

• If you can do this with your hands tied behind your back, imagine what you could do if your head was screwed on!

• To hell with red tape, I’d rather be tied up in knots!

• If you wanna bury the hatchet, may as well bury your head in the sand at the same time.

• If you’re gonna eat humble pie, please don’t talk with your mouth full.

• You may be head over heels in love, but if you can’t put your best foot forward, you may get the order of the boot!

• Mind your p’s and q’s, otherwise you may never get from a to b.

• Clearly my salad days are over if I can't be cool as a cucumber.

• Beware of crocodile tears, they may cost you an arm and a leg!

• Here lies one whose name is writ in water; his only saving grace, a laugh like a drain.

• I may be a fish out of water but I certainly don't drink like one!

• All good things come to he who waits…until the cows come home.

• All that glitters is not gold, especially if you live in a fool’s paradise.

• One who is broad in the beam deserves a wide berth at all times.

• You can lead a dark horse to water but you can’t make him fish or cut bait!

• Ask not for whom the bell tolls, just make sure you’re not ringing my chimes!

• If you're gonna fly by the seat of your pants, at least make sure you qualify for Air Miles!

• The good news is that those who live high on the hog today are just as likely to run amok tomorrow.

• If you’re going to be a dog in the manger, stop whining about the quality of the mutt’s nuts.

• He who can’t cast pearls before swine probably can’t turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse either.

• If it's all the same to you, I’d rather be a fly on the wall than a fly in the ointment.