10 THINGS TO DO IN SEPTEMBER

Or, how to beat the blues, books, or sheer boredom

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by the Earl of Craboon, a lively lollygagging couple who lounge about in the Court of Quintessential Quaffers & Quirks

September is the ninth lunar month of the Gregorian calendar.

Not to put too fine a point on it but, the Romans, (who in addition to ruling the world way back and racing chariots around coloseums in their their spare time), also managed to invent their very own twelve month timetable. Since they celebrated the New Year beginning in March, September was according to them only the seventh month of the year. Well, so much for the Romans and their short-lived system of reckoning.

The fact is that whether September is the the seventh or ninth month of the year, it’s still the beginning of another school year, and that all too familiar kick-off “show and tell” event. Frankly, who cares if you can’t read, write or spell worth a darn and doodling is your favorite subject! If truth be told, it's just way more cool to cut classes than nourish your noodle isn't it?

All of which brings us to the main point, what things should you contemplate doing to keep yourself from going completely bonkers this month.

1. Hold a Virgo Party for all friends or family members born between August 23 and September 22. After all what would the world be without all those cranky, demanding, irritable, dogmatic, eccentric, nervous, and undemonstrative worry warts? Okay, so maybe they have some redeeming features, they’re loyal, responsible, incisive communicators, and shrewd thinkers who enjoy being King or Queen of the Castle.

2. Take a ride on a subway somewhere. Why? Because it’s about time we celebrated the first subway in North America being opened in Boston on September 2, 1897. The fact of the matter is that nothing much has changed in almost 120 years…people are still pushing and shoving, or complaining about not getting a seat for pity's sake!

3. Participate in the annual weird and wonderful National Mud Festival to be held in Llanelli, Wales from September 9-10. Bring along your welly-boots and hip-waders for a bit of mirky merriment such as mud-wrestling, patty-cake making, not to mention welly-wanging for the entire family!

4. Ever consider yourself a high-flying high-falutin homo sapien? Why not hop across the pond and sign up for the International Bognor Birdman competition, to be held in Bognor, Regis (England) on September 9th and 10th. All you have to do is build your own set of winds and then flap them sufficiently long and far enough to win some mazuma for either yourself or your favorite charity.

5. For those with a penchant for tossing or heaving things around, suggest they take in the “World Black Pudding Throwing Championship” on September 10th in Ramsbottom, Lancashire (in jolly old England naturally). The town is famous for it’s ‘tripe’ (cow’s intestine) and ‘elder’ (steamed cow’s udder)…doesn’t that whet your appetite!!

6. Can’t cook…well have we got something to celebrate! If you can boil water, add a handful of oatmeal and add a pinch of salt for good measure, you can enter the Golden Spurtle World Porridge-Making Championships in Carrbridge on September 10, 2006. Who says chefs are born and not made!!

7. Okay, so you hate cooking and you couldn’t glue a pair of wings together if your life depended on it, but you adore getting behind the wheel of a car. Have we got a great opportunity for you! Time to head on over to Seloncourt, France to enter or watch the French Pedal-Powered Grand Prix, held on September 11th each year. Keep your eyes peeled for a banana car driven by monkeys, a pumpkin piloted by witches or a tiger with a Tarzan behind the wheel.

8. Those with ugly mugs looking for 15 minutes of fame might want to enter the “World Gurning Championships” being held on September 16th in Egremont in Cumbria, in the ‘olde’ country, where else?) Frankly, any festival that’s been organized since 1267 to celebrate the harvesting of the humble crab apple deserves some consideration. So practice putting your head in a horse collar and then contort your face into the scariest, most grotesque or silliest expression possible…who knows, you might even win!

9. For those who haven’t got a clue what to do, why not host a laugh-out-loud lunch (and invite your friends to bring along their bodacious brown bags of course). Tell everyone the theme is “It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”, a great way for everyone to share their very own tawdry tales of detours, dead ends, and dubious decisions that went wonk when they weren’t paying attention to the things that really do matter like eating popcorn at the movies, experimenting with whoopee cushions, and talking to a pet rock.

10. And last but not least, those who are searching for something to do besides “Waiting for Godot”, they might want to head on down the Yellow Brick Road to Billings, Montana to take part in the "Scarecrow Auction & Festival" from September 21-23. Who says strawmen don’t have fun, even if every now and then one, the odd one goes up in flames? Whatever you do, don’t forget to say hi to the Tin Man, the Lion and the Wizard of Oz!