Monday, August 21, 2006

THE LAST BASTION OF BAWDY LANGUAGE

Or, why don’t plumbers dump those dirty dangling-modifers!

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, LLD (Learned Leprechaun of Dross & Drivel), publisher of the “Jest-in-Time Technology Journal”, and Dean of Do-This-Do-That at the University of Balderdash & Bumkum in Pahrump, Nevada

Do you know how long plumbing has been around? Since the good old days of Roman gladiators, Lotus-Eaters and Lions, Persian flying carpets, and last but not least, Chinese fortune cookies!

It’s not surprising therefore that more than fifty million web pages are devoted to this ancient skilled trade.

While these professional peepers have been poking our pipes and potties for centuries, you’d have thought they might have cleaned up their leak-filled lexicon by now. But no, to my utter amazement, there is a rather long list of titillating if not tawdry terminology to be found in their testosterone-inspired taps, tubs and toolboxes!

It is indeed surprising that in this era of politically-correct posturing that "The American Hyphen Society" and the "American Gender Society" have not yet seen fit to campaign collectively for the removal of this lascivious language from all professional plumbing publications not to mention their debauchery-inspired discourse on drainage.

Frankly, people around the globe will be forever indebted to the valiant efforts of a little known group called the Politically-Correct Plumbers’ Association. These Lords and Ladies of the Loo are taking the lead in rewriting the “Code of Commode Conduct” to remove all indecently exposed adjectives, suggestive slang, and wanton words from their current glossary of glaring glitches.

If consumers are going to spend millions of hard-earned greenbacks on renovating their bathrooms and kitchens, the least plumbers can do is bleed their bilge-filled buzzwords from their foul-mouthed pipes!

A list of the most notorious if not nefarious nouns and phallically-oriented phrases follows:

“B”
Ballcock, Ball Passage, Balloon Bag, Beam Clamp, Bed Depth, Blowbag, Blowdown, Blowfish

“C”
Clamp Straps, Close Coupled, Close Nipple, Closet Flange, Cock, Cockhole Cover, Concealed Trap, Coupling, Curb Cock Shutoff

“D”
Diaphragm, Diffuser, Dip Tube, Discharge Head, Dope, Double Slipper, Down Head Boring Gimlet, Drip Leg, Drop-In, Duo Valve

“E”
Eccentric Shank, End Body, Energy Guide Label, Exposed Shower, Extinction Pop, Eye of the Impeller

“F”
Female Fitting, Female Side Inlet, Female Threads, FIP (Female Iron Pipe), First Draw, First Hour Delivery, Flapper Flush, Flaring Tool, Flex Coupling, Flexible Connector, Flocculation, Flood Level, Flushball, Flushbushing, Flush Joint, Flushometer, Flush Valves, French Drain

“G”
Gas Cock, Gland, Glove Valve, Grooved Fitting, Ground Joint Union

“H”
Hardness, Head, Head Loss, Heat Trap, Hex Key, Hole Saw, Hold Down

“I”
Insert Fittings

“K”
Knob Handle, Knockout Plug

“L”
Light Duty, Lifting Flames, Lock Nut, Low-Flow

“M”
Male Threads, Manhole, Mini-Widespread, Mission Coupling

“N”
Nipple, Nipple Extractor

“O”
Open Front, Optional Body Spray, Orifice, Overflow Hood

“P”
Packing Nut, Peak Hour Demand, Peak Load Period, Petcock, Pickling, Pipe Dope, Plumber’s Putty, Plunger, Poppet, Potentiometer, Power Snake, Priming Jet, P-Trap, Pull-Out Spray

“R”
Recovery Capacity, Relief Valve, Rim Holes, Riser, Roman Spout, Rough-In, Running Trap

“S”
Sag Pipe, Sanitary Bar, Sanitary Fitting, Saponification, Self-Rimming, Service Entrance, Service Victory, Sight Hole, Sill Cock, Skirted, Slip Joint, Slipper Tub, Soft Flame, Spark Test, Spray Patterns, Spud Nuts, Static Pressure, Static Discharge Head, Straight-Stop, Stub-Out, Stud Guard, Stuffing Box, Submergence, Suction Static Lift, Sweated Connection, Swing Joint

“T”
Tailpiece, Tap Adaptor, Temperature Rise, Test Plug, Thermocouple, Thermopile, Total Discharge Head, Trap Arm, Trap Dip, Trap Nuts, Trap Primer, Trapway, Trenchless, Turbulent Flow

“U”
Under-Mounted, Union Nut, Uni-Flex

“V”
Velocity Head, Volatile

“W”
Washdown Water Closet, Water Hammer, Water Spot, Weak Well, Wellpoint, Wet Vent, Working Pressure

“X”
XH – Extra Heavy, XLG – Extra Long

“Y”
Yellow Tipping, Yoke

“Z”
Zero Soft

Readers who share the concerns of the Politically-Correct Plumbers’ Association are invited to voice their vexations to politically-correct politicians and proper-minded plumbers by choosing the most concupiscent cognomens to be eradicated forthwith. In the meantime, take my humble advice, beware of carnal connations used by water closet wunderkins!

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