Monday, August 21, 2006


Or, why don’t plumbers dump those dirty dangling-modifers!

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, LLD (Learned Leprechaun of Dross & Drivel), publisher of the “Jest-in-Time Technology Journal”, and Dean of Do-This-Do-That at the University of Balderdash & Bumkum in Pahrump, Nevada

Do you know how long plumbing has been around? Since the good old days of Roman gladiators, Lotus-Eaters and Lions, Persian flying carpets, and last but not least, Chinese fortune cookies!

It’s not surprising therefore that more than fifty million web pages are devoted to this ancient skilled trade.

While these professional peepers have been poking our pipes and potties for centuries, you’d have thought they might have cleaned up their leak-filled lexicon by now. But no, to my utter amazement, there is a rather long list of titillating if not tawdry terminology to be found in their testosterone-inspired taps, tubs and toolboxes!

It is indeed surprising that in this era of politically-correct posturing that "The American Hyphen Society" and the "American Gender Society" have not yet seen fit to campaign collectively for the removal of this lascivious language from all professional plumbing publications not to mention their debauchery-inspired discourse on drainage.

Frankly, people around the globe will be forever indebted to the valiant efforts of a little known group called the Politically-Correct Plumbers’ Association. These Lords and Ladies of the Loo are taking the lead in rewriting the “Code of Commode Conduct” to remove all indecently exposed adjectives, suggestive slang, and wanton words from their current glossary of glaring glitches.

If consumers are going to spend millions of hard-earned greenbacks on renovating their bathrooms and kitchens, the least plumbers can do is bleed their bilge-filled buzzwords from their foul-mouthed pipes!

A list of the most notorious if not nefarious nouns and phallically-oriented phrases follows:

Ballcock, Ball Passage, Balloon Bag, Beam Clamp, Bed Depth, Blowbag, Blowdown, Blowfish

Clamp Straps, Close Coupled, Close Nipple, Closet Flange, Cock, Cockhole Cover, Concealed Trap, Coupling, Curb Cock Shutoff

Diaphragm, Diffuser, Dip Tube, Discharge Head, Dope, Double Slipper, Down Head Boring Gimlet, Drip Leg, Drop-In, Duo Valve

Eccentric Shank, End Body, Energy Guide Label, Exposed Shower, Extinction Pop, Eye of the Impeller

Female Fitting, Female Side Inlet, Female Threads, FIP (Female Iron Pipe), First Draw, First Hour Delivery, Flapper Flush, Flaring Tool, Flex Coupling, Flexible Connector, Flocculation, Flood Level, Flushball, Flushbushing, Flush Joint, Flushometer, Flush Valves, French Drain

Gas Cock, Gland, Glove Valve, Grooved Fitting, Ground Joint Union

Hardness, Head, Head Loss, Heat Trap, Hex Key, Hole Saw, Hold Down

Insert Fittings

Knob Handle, Knockout Plug

Light Duty, Lifting Flames, Lock Nut, Low-Flow

Male Threads, Manhole, Mini-Widespread, Mission Coupling

Nipple, Nipple Extractor

Open Front, Optional Body Spray, Orifice, Overflow Hood

Packing Nut, Peak Hour Demand, Peak Load Period, Petcock, Pickling, Pipe Dope, Plumber’s Putty, Plunger, Poppet, Potentiometer, Power Snake, Priming Jet, P-Trap, Pull-Out Spray

Recovery Capacity, Relief Valve, Rim Holes, Riser, Roman Spout, Rough-In, Running Trap

Sag Pipe, Sanitary Bar, Sanitary Fitting, Saponification, Self-Rimming, Service Entrance, Service Victory, Sight Hole, Sill Cock, Skirted, Slip Joint, Slipper Tub, Soft Flame, Spark Test, Spray Patterns, Spud Nuts, Static Pressure, Static Discharge Head, Straight-Stop, Stub-Out, Stud Guard, Stuffing Box, Submergence, Suction Static Lift, Sweated Connection, Swing Joint

Tailpiece, Tap Adaptor, Temperature Rise, Test Plug, Thermocouple, Thermopile, Total Discharge Head, Trap Arm, Trap Dip, Trap Nuts, Trap Primer, Trapway, Trenchless, Turbulent Flow

Under-Mounted, Union Nut, Uni-Flex

Velocity Head, Volatile

Washdown Water Closet, Water Hammer, Water Spot, Weak Well, Wellpoint, Wet Vent, Working Pressure

XH – Extra Heavy, XLG – Extra Long

Yellow Tipping, Yoke

Zero Soft

Readers who share the concerns of the Politically-Correct Plumbers’ Association are invited to voice their vexations to politically-correct politicians and proper-minded plumbers by choosing the most concupiscent cognomens to be eradicated forthwith. In the meantime, take my humble advice, beware of carnal connations used by water closet wunderkins!


At 1:59 AM, Blogger Zheng junxai5 said...

tiffany and co
michael kors outlet clearance
vans outlet
hollister clothing store
coach outlet store online
oakley sunglasses
longchamp le pliage
louis vuitton outlet stores
jordan 3 retro
louis vuitton outlet
christian louboutin outlet
louis vuitton purses
ray bans
jordan 6s
true religion jeans
celine outlet
louboutin shoes
ray ban wayfarer
air max
michael kors outlet
michael kors outlet
oakley sunglasses
kate spade handbags
gucci outlet online
louis vuitton outlet online
true religion outlet store
coach outlet canada
ray ban sunglasses
louis vuitton handbags
gucci outlet
kate spade handbags
louis vuitton handbags
louis vuitton handbags
coach factory outlet online
nike trainers sale
louis vuitton
concords 11
replica rolex watches
christian louboutin sale
kobe shoes 11

At 6:49 PM, Blogger chenlina said...

kate spade handbags
tiffany jewelry
nike roshe flyknit
polo ralph lauren
nike huarache
cheap jordan shoes
ray ban sunglasses outlet
lebron shoes
coach outlet store online
juicy couture
longchamp bags
cheap ray ban sunglasses
tory burch outlet online
tory burch outlet
toms shoes
hollister clothing
supra shoes
ray ban sunglasses
abercrombie and fitch new york
rolex watches
louis vuitton outlet
michael kors handbags
jordan shoes
ray ban sunglasses
michael kors outlet clearance
louis vuitton handbags
louis vuitton handbags
michael kors outlet
louis vuitton handbags
michael kors outlet clearance
coach factory outlet
ghd hair straighteners
christian louboutin sale
lebron 13
louis vuitton
nike air jordan
jordan retro 11
mont blanc fountain pens
michael kors outlet
jordan retro


Post a Comment

<< Home