Saturday, August 05, 2006


Or, what you would banish if you had a big fat wand and a honking grand throne to sit upon?

By Daphne Droitwitch, a double-tongued diva who is used to banging break-teeth words into silly shapes so as to annoy her friends, confuse her adversaries, and amuse herself naturally

1. The weather. Undoubtedly a fascinatingly futile forecast, unless you reside in outer space!

2. The latest shooting star on "American Idol". Forget it - why not serenade your shower partner with your favorite soppy song instead, maybe you'll have a more receptive audience!

3. What your batty/blinking boss or nudnik next-door neighbor/cube farm dweller did or said today. Quit complaining, be creative; send them (anonymously) a nice “Nincompoop Appreciation Award”!

4. Why the world, according to you, isn’t fair? Hmmm, so who appointed you God-for-a-Day pray tell?

5. Who trounced whom in today's tiff, tilt, or tussle? Dragon-slaying is highly over-rated, besides, it's a messy sport so try meditating or finger-painting for a change!

6. Diets. If they weren’t invented in heaven, they haven’t got a hope in hell of working!

7. Kids. Frankly folks, this grown-up game of show and tell is wearing a tad thin!

8. The latest exotic vacation. Unless the person suffered from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and was bitten by a hungry shark, people truly don't want to hear another tiring tale of glee or gluttony let alone see that doggone digital photo album!

9. A state-of-the-art gadget or gigabyte gizmo acquired by someone who hasn’t got a clue how to operate it, but can’t wait to impress their frigging friends and family!

10. Hobbies, (collecting vintage chewing gum wrappers, designing miniature doll house furniture, or whipping up a zesty cocktail concoction called “Under the Kilt” made from peeled cucumbers, kiwi fruit and a shot of gin all look like far too much work for someone with a penchant for lightweight lollygagging like you!)