THANK HEAVEN FOR SANTA!
Or, aren't you glad it's "Jolly Socks" season!
By Theolonius McTavish, a jolly joy-stick rider with a penchant for bright red, flanalette, long-johns and jumbo-sized empty socks that hang from the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nick likes wash-and-wear!
Much is made of the ho-ho-ho holiday season. But let's face it, what would it be without a saucy sexegenarian making a spectacle of himself, so much so that his little round belly shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jello.
Frankly, who else would be caught dead speeding around in a super-charged sleigh, consuming far too much milk and cookies for his own good health, and then yelling ho-ho-ho at the top of his lungs just to let everyone know he's got a sack full of stuff made by a bunch of over-worked elves?
Clearly, I'm not the only one who has a few reservations about this heavy-duty holiday season and a humongous ho-ho-ho-er with several handles: SANTA, Father Christmas, or Kris Kringle.
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." -- George Carlin
"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." -- Victor Borge
"I never believed in Santa Claus becaue I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark." -- Dick Gregory
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." -- W.C. Fields
"God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat." -- H.L. Mencken
"Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip." -- Gary Allen
"Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses." -- Anonymous
"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernable source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?" -- Tim Armstrong (from Marvin)
"A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus." -- Herbert Hoover
"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe he's smoking?" -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus".
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to a department store, and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple
"I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives." -- Groucho Marx
"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic." -- Anonymous
And in this world of wit and wonk, thank God Benny Hill put things straight!
"Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
If it weren't for Christmas,
We'd all be Jewish."