Tuesday, December 25, 2007


December 25, 2007

Dear Naughty Nudnick:
(Forget about trying to hoodwink me...I know who you are!)

I know you're a bit dumbfounded by that puzzling present nestled nicely beneath your tacky tinsel tree, (it's the one you bought last year for a dime at the annual "Grinch Garage Sale").

Well, to make a long story short, I had a most informative talk with "Socrates", (he's the dead Greek philospher who now works as a bouncer at the Pearly Gates Night Club & Casino in a place called "Paradise Lost"), about what to bring someone who's been shall we say, more than a bit naughty this past year.

Not wanting to disappoint you, we decided to take a pass on those twelve drunk drummers (frankly, they're driving everyone nuts which is not a good thing unless one has a large supply of Prozac pills handy).

We weren't impressed with the performance of the eleven incredibly pathetic pipers piping (who couldn't hold a tune even if they tried!)

As for those ten lollygagging lords a-leaping (...just who do they think they are anyway?*!)

And the nine ladies dancing rather dangerously in nothing but their knickers (are a sight for sore eyes, probably because they flunked their final exam at the Queen of Sheba's Pole-Dancing Academy).

Those eight overworked and underpaid maids-a-milking (employed by a cost-conscious company called "Cowbunga!"), they're now vacationing in The Land of Milk & Honey without you!

The seven swans a-swimming (...more like sashaying around a godforsaken lake full of loons looking for a good time no doubt) would not have set a good example for you.

Clearly the six geese-a-laying (who left their all their crap behind so now we all have to wear wellyboots for pity's sake!) spend too much time lollygagging about on the golf course like someone else we know.

We thought of those five fake golden rings belonging to the VANOC Olympic Committee (who are trying to promote the multi-million 2010 Winter Games in a place that rains cats and dogs 364 days a year) are not willing to part with their fool's gold, even for you!

Yes, the four calling birds (that keep on wooing the neighbor's wretched mongrel who's going completely bonkers), apparently they're an endangered species and you can't have them.

Now those three French hens (whom I might add don't speak a word of English but have believe it or not managed to finish off the last case of "Arrogant Frog - Ribet Red" in existence), it seems they're already spoken for at a bachelorette party.

Which brings us to those two tawdry turtle doves (who keep dumping their damn detritus on everyone's pristine front lawn), and a red-legged partridge (better known as "Alectoris rufa") in a pear tree who's so blinking bored with life that he's ready to devour that well-cooked 20 lb. turkey with all the trimmings sitting beside that fantastic XBox 360 with a 20 GB hard-drive located in the trunk of a 2008 Lexus ES 350 with an onboard Navigation System, Moonroof and Bluetooth technology), they flew the coop!

So to sum it all up, we agreed that what you really needed most was a lifetime membership in the Socratic Order of Sandboxes. Since you haven't exactly bit the biscuit yet, the Crumpets Club advised us that they could not accept your application.If it's any consolation, we suggest you prepare your "bucket list" , because at the rate you're going, you may not survive until next year.


The Bad Elf
Santa's Sassy Second-In-Command

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