THINGS YOU CAN NEVER FIND

Or, where's the 'you-know-what-I mean', the whatchamacallit, or the thingamybob?

Things you can never find have a lot to do with your state of mind.

For example, if you're a "Freedom Fifty-Fiver" in a tizzy and can't recall what you were looking for in the first place, you'll conclude you've either been touched by an Angel or been zapped by one too many Zinger teas.

If you're working your blinking buns off at home, in a cubicle, or on the shopfloor somewhere, (and can't find the blessed "thing")...you'll probably pull your hair out, get your knickers in a knot, or utter lots of naughty words...all in vain of course. By the way, if all else fails, count to ten and invoke the name of the Lost & Found Goddess...who knows, your "thing" might just turn up!

And, if perchance you're a male, (encountering a "macho-less" moment), then you'll probably resort to using the latest conspiracy theory to justify who took your "thing" when you weren't looking.

Meanwhile, (back at the ranch where all hell is breaking loose), you'll find me putting together a list of things that can't be found under any circumstances.

1. The keys to heaven. (By the way, have you ever wondered why it is that the door to hell is always open?)

2. A tiger in a tank. (Hey, the only thing I recall jumping around lately at the pump are young gas jockeys and soaring petrol prices!)

3. A widget. (I've yet to see the damned thing, let alone find a blueprint for it.)

4. Heffalump Vulgaris. (The name of the blankety-blank biped species responsible for leaving messy spots around outdoor biffy holes and public toilet seats.)

5. Invisible ink. (It seems that this item is reserved for use only on ceremonial occasions by high-muck-a-mucks and minor potentates while the plebes are relegated to using broken pencils and magic erasers.)

6. The Tooth Fairy. (How I'd love to get my hands on her treasury of chompers so I can toss my loose-fitting dentures once and for all!)

7. The on-ramp to the Yellow Brick Freeway. (Frankly, my CAA roadmap has no Emerald City on it...which probably accounts for why I'm going around in stupid little circles and driving myself crazy!)

8. Thinking caps. (Wall-Mart, The Gap, and Old Navy don't stock them...apparently there's no demand for them in America these days.)

9. Square circles. (Scientists, philosophers, mystics and the odd back-bench politician or two have been working on this peculiar paradox for centuries while the rest of us have been waiting impatiently for Godot to show up with the freaking answer!)

10. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (The only ones who seem really keen on finding the loot are precocious little tikes under the age of three, their fantasy-minded friends affectionately known as 'the wee folk', and me.)

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