Wednesday, July 21, 2004


Or...take YOUR foot out of my MY mouth!

A visit to the dentist is usually an invitation to pain. That’s why I prefer to brush my two front teeth regularly and seek solace from Thor (the Norse God of Thunder, Hell, Fire & Damnation). After all, it’s the best defense I know against Whomp (faithful man-servant to the Goddess of Glitch) responsible for crooked smiles, bleeding gums, and buzzard’s breath.

But as fate would have it, when my back molar unexpectedly broke in half…while dining on Won Ton soup at my favorite Chinese restaurant…the only thing I could do was gasp, bid a hasty farewell to my dinner guests, and set out on my journey for a jawsmith.

Not having befriended many members of the ivory carpentry brotherhood over the years, looking for a courteous, friendly, cheerful office wasn’t really in the cards for me. I just went with the biggest yellow page ad I could find – Toothtown on Foul Bay Road.

The only piece of advice I can give you is, when faced with the masked doctor of doom peering down into your mouth, hold your tongue.

On the other hand, you can always let your inner child out and have some fun. Unless of course you’re concerned that you might not leave with a full set of chompers in your precious pinhead!

So without further adieu, here are a few of my favorite things not to say to the dentist:

-- Since you're such a know-it-all, guess how many old growth trees are cut down every year to make these tasteless tongue depressors?

-- I’m only going to fill out your patient survey if you’ve got a strawberry-flavored sucker with my name on it!

-- At the rate you’re pulling out wisdom teeth these days, I’ll bet knowledge managers aren’t beating a path to your door!

-- My safe sex therapist told me dental dams work wonders in a passionate pinch…so, can you lend me one to try out?

-- Look, if I let you yank out my best bicuspid, can you get me a date with the Tooth Fairy?

-- If Bucky Beaver doesn’t need botox, a toupee, or tooth whiteners, neither do I!

-- Hmmm…do you have a better bite payment plan for vampires?

-- Is hoof-in-mouth disease your calcified little cretin?

-- My dear, your S&M techniques definitely leave something to be desired!

-- Just because my mouth’s full of mercury doesn’t mean I’m polluted!

-- Can I bring a couple of friends along to your next laughing gas party?

-- If the good news is I suffer from TTS (Toothless Twerp Syndrome), what’s the bad news?

-- So, if falsies work for the hooter-challenged, what’ve you got for flapping gums?

-- My frigging bite’s fine thank you…it’s my computer that’s on the fritz!

-- Your classified ad says you offer "express mobile crown service"…so I'd like a big sparkly one, along with a sceptre and a mace delivered to my throne room tomorrow please.

-- Okay, so how many Air Plan miles do I get if I you polish my tongue, clean my fangs, and install an anti-snoring device?

-- If your motto is “Dentistry with a Difference” then where’s the water-bed, music and wet bar?


If you want to giggle, guffaw, or just plain goof off for a couple of sure to pick up a game of "THINGS" (Humor-in-a-Box) from your local toy store, or order on line at:


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