HOW NOW BROWN COW?

Or, 10 things a cow thinks about when a farmer milks it.

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-carb lounge lizards with literary pretensions

1. According to the "Tao of Cow", "The Sound of Moosic" is make-believe just like the "milk of human kindness".

2. Holy cow I'm glad the “Udder Guys” know how to make a big “Brown Cow”, you know the one with the tail end of a bottle of rum, a few shots of crème de cacao and crème de menthe, plus a large scoop of ice-cream and oodles of chocolate shavings!

3. If I hear “Cowabunga” again…I’m gonna ring the wretched necks of those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles not to mention that bovine bozo, Bart Simpson, with his “Don’t have a cow, man!”

4. I’m truly impressed with the fact that the pH level of a cow is six and that there are approximately 350 “squirts” in a gallon of milk, but the real question is, when can I make some serious moo-lah for a change?

5. Does anyone really care whether the city of Boston was laid out by cow paths or that Wisconsin is home to the largest number of dairy cows in the USA?...guess it's just a slow news day and someone wants to milk those facts for all they're worth!

6. I read somewhere that Christopher Columbus discovered America, but now folks are saying that he brought along some “Mad Cows” just to keep him company …sounds like just another BSE (“bull shit and excrement”) story to me!

7. Why is the town of Beaver, Oklahoma the “Cow Chip Throwing Capital of the World” and not Cow Yard, Massachusetts?

8. A cow can see color and detect odors up to five miles away - so you might want to think twice about frolicking around in those red longjohns and breaking wind on my back forty!

9. Hmmm….if the average cow stands up and sits down 14 times a day, you’d think someone might at least offer us a reclining chair, a back massage and a good moo-vie!

10. Let’s see…assuming an udderly adorable cash cow like me spends 6 hours a day eating and 8 hours chewing cud, tell me again what’s in it for me if I stop moo-ing?

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For those who can't get enough boisterous bovine entertainment, check out "Lucky Cow" comic strip, top cow gifts, and learn how to make a cow puppet just for fun.