10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT STICK INTO A MOVING FAN

Or, You Mean There’s Fun in FUNky Science?

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-carb lounge lizards with literary pretensions

1. Tasteless cheddar cheese strings. – Now there’s one very a bad wrap if ever there was one!

2. A pork barrel. – Yes siree, a proliferation of patronage positions at its best!

3. A whangdoodle. – Ever seen a "monster mash"?

4. Digitized spam. – A novel way to create a mess in your “out box”.

5. A box of cheap red wine. – You're right, some whiners never do learn how to contain themselves!

6. Vintage Hawaiian shirts. – Why not find a volcano to dispose of them if you must?

7. The lyrics to “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. – Do we really need to find the lost chord in a bad brew tune?

8. A surplus sacred cow. – Are you sure you know how to milk this karmic creature?

9. Cell phone ring tones. – Frankly, they’re like boisterous boomerangs, especially the gross ones, because they all come back when you least expect them!

10. A white elephant. – You mean someone told you this would eliminate the third world debt problem?


WARNING: Attempting to perform any of the above exotic experiments in shape-shifting may result in a huge hodgepodge at the very least, if not a minor morsel of mayhem.