Monday, August 07, 2006


Or, beware of tutus and tights that tip toe through the tulips!

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Ph.D.T.) professor of heavy-duty thinking at the Creative Loafing Institute, with oodles of time on his hands enjoys engaging his cerebellum in anything that captures his fancy (which usually means letting his mind wander where it may or may not, depending on the weather or his daily horoscope whichever comes first)

The much maligned multimedia magazine, “The Mad Megaphone”, recently published a rather intriguing article entitled, “Full of Emptiness”, an exposé on why some beetle-headed, belching Blarney stone adventurists from the ‘Old Country’ and their kissing-cousins from the “New World” consider ballet more than a bit boring.

Clearly the hoity-toity set should take heed. If the powers that be in the entertainment industry are keen on attracting a new audience to replace the declining number of white-heads in attendance, they may well wish to consider making a few changes to the traditional tutu titillation event.

What would make it more exciting, might be a good place to start.

After some pain-staking consumer research into how to improve the artsy-fartsy image of the ballet, here are the top ten suggestions gleaned from far too many focus groups filled with testosterone-challenged teenagers and thirsty thirty-somethings, all of whom are looking for a good time on Saturday night.

1. Stage one or two performances in the buff as the cultured clothing-optional consumer market segment is always looking for a high-profile birthday suit occasion to share their Lady Godiva lifestyle with mainstream society.

2. Invite Jungle Jim, Tarzan, and Jane to showcase their high-flying abilities on vines; besides, it’s a great way to promote why the tropical rainforest is worth saving.

3. Encourage dancers to add lip-sync skills to their repertoire for the benefit of a hard-to-reach market demographic, the hearing impaired.

4. Hire Superman (attired in his usual red cape and blue spandex body suit) to leap over buildings with a single bound; this will give the LOLs and LOMs a new lease on life, not to mention a hopeful escape route from the nursing home.

5. Have Eminem translate all the music into rap, that way everyone can leave their Italian, French, German or Spanish dictionaries at home.

6. Add a lightshow and fireworks to keep the audience on their toes instead of those tired dancers in their pointy-shoes and stockings; you’ll win some brownie points with the government health and safety inspectors…just make sure you keep any combustible materials away from Smokey the Bear & Friends.

7. Allow dancers to sport their latest collection of tattoos and navel rings, a gentle reminder to everyone that ballet does indeed support novelty and “equal opportunity artistic expression”.

8. Permit those confined to the orchestra pit to see the fruits of their labor; this will go a long way to resolving a major stumbling block in the musicians’ union labor contract.

9. Invite “Cirque de soleil” to perform during intermission in order to alleviate rather long lineups outside the two restrooms and bar on the mezzanine floor.

10. And last but not least, let circus animals, like dancing bears, play a few minor roles to keep the tiny tots quiet during the performance.


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