THINGS FISH THINK ABOUT

Or, every swank tank has its share of crankbaits and crappies

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a happy hide-and-seek here-and-thereian, with a penchant for periwinkles, picaroons, and pleasant prittle prattle.

The following frivolous phrases, in honor of Preposterous Piscatorial Parable Appreciation Month, highlight a wide range of picayune if not piffling things that fish think about as they swim around in their aquarium minding their own business and only occasionally watching the wonky world go by at break-neck speed.

• On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate his armchair angling ability?

• If there’s some misbegotten moolah to be made, it’s probably in “phish pharming”.

• Don’t ever call me a “bottom sucker”, “bucket mouth” or a “really big lunker” unless you want a fin in your chin!

• If you need to fish for compliments, you certainly aren't “The Happy Hooker”!

• Believe me, I wouldn’t fall for that hook line and sinker stuff, even if you told me I was the prettiest Pisces in this frigging fish tank!

• Look Nemo, if you really want to swim in your birthday suit, try another tank please!

• So, what does a wild snail do for a wicked bit of fun in this dazzling denizen of the deep?

• "Get a grip" said the Hairy Blenny haughtily, "do I look like “Tony the Tuna” to you?"

• “Catch and Release” is one of those silly games fly-fishermen play to fill in time while waiting for Godot to show up and tell them what they should be doing instead.

• The sign said, “Gone Fishing”, I only hope it’s not at our end of the tank!

• No this fish bed does not come with an 18” coiled box-spring mattress and a 25-year warranty!

• If that crankbait is a nightcrawler with attitude, then you must be a hapless hen hawg!

• I wish they’d stop talking about water nymphs, wet flies, and bottom bouncers, it gives me the willies!

• Yep, that big fish looks mighty strange in them hip-high wet waders.

• Who let that Forked Tail Darter into our playpen?

• He wondered if the Monkeyface Prickleback was really going to have a gay old time with those Boesemani Rainbows?

• "If there’s one thing I can’t abide it’s a blankety-blank, blubbering bubblehead", remarked the King of Salmon as he fished a handkerchief from his pectoral pocket!

• Hmmm....those fishnet stockings probably won't do much for that French Grunt.

• That flake wouldn't know a plastic plant from the real thing, even if he munched on it!