HOW TO MAKE A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
Or, can you really complete these sentences?
By Theolonius McTavish, a gallant if not good-natured gladiator with a thistle in his tam who has difficulty swallowing haggis, doing the hokey-pokey, or sleeping in a hammock, (a trio of trivial tribulations with which one daring dude must contend).
Every year, millions of minions around the globe must prepare for the inevitable ritual of “New Year’s Resolutions”.
To aid those who cannot come up with anything that ressembles a reliable (on second thought ripsnorting) resolution, I am providing my own version below. (Note: select one item in parentheses).
This year I resolve to no longer obsess about my (frigging freckles, flat feet, or furrowed brow), my (receding hairline, expanding waistline, or kingsized keister), or my (fashionable faux-pas, frequent forages into the refrigerator, or far too many trips to the throne room/water-closet to count).
Because I am already really good at (finger-painting, snakes-and-ladders, or pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey), and (skating on thin ice, walking on water, or swimming with sharks) not to mention (burping, flatulating, or snoring), but only when absolutely necessary.
Sure, I ate a lot over the past month, but that’s okay, because I had a fabulous time (courting candy-canes, flirting over fruitcakes, or trifling with hot toddies) and (chewing the fat, draining the cup, or licking the bowl) with (Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or I can’t recall…is this a trick question?).
After the holidays, I’ll simply get back on track by not (drinking like a fish, eating like a pig, or wolfing down food like there’s no tomorrow), and (passing on the punch bowl, swearing off sweets, or turning down those tantalizing treats), after I've practiced (hustling my bustle, jumping through hoops, or running around in little circles).
This year I am going to take more time to: (beat my breast, leap to conclusions, or pat myself on the back) and more time to (hug trees, pet rocks or watch paint dry).
My name is (The Big Kahuna, Queen Bee if you please, …or your favorite moniker), and this year I’m going to stay cool, eat well, and put the fun back in the “fundamentals” of life... so there!!