Friday, December 29, 2006


Or, how to promote veggies in a voluptuous way

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Piffle at the University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Great Snoring (Norfolk).

Veggies are not the first thing that comes to mind when puttering aimlessly about the overflowing shelves and and along the aisles of today's honking great supermarkets.

Frankly, veggies have been given a very bad rap by food fashionistas. Other than one swashbuckling American hero, (an eccentric pipe-smoking sailor named Popeye), few folks ever dare to chomp on spinach lest a wayward piece embarrassingly lodge between their two front teeth.

In the interests of enhancing the consumption of veggies full of virile vitamins, I have enlisted the support of my dear friend Tom Woo, (a grocery guru by trade who has suggested a few name changes in the hope of attracting a new audience).

-- Alluring Asparagus
-- Aimiable Avocado
-- Ardent Artichokes
-- Bathing Beauty Bamboo Shoots
-- Beloved Basil
-- Bawdy Brussels Sprouts
-- Bodacious Bok Choy
-- Breathtaking Beans
-- Buxom Beets
-- Brazen Broccoli
-- Captivating Cabbage
-- Carnal Carrots
-- Cheeky Chives
-- Chic Celery
-- Casanova Cauliflower
-- Caring Cucumber
-- Kissing Kale
-- Kismet Kidney Beans
-- Erotic Eggplants
-- Enamored Endive
-- Flirty Fennel
-- Gadfly Garlic
-- Libidinous Lettuce
-- Licentious Lentils
-- Luscious Ladyfingers
-- Lusty Leeks
-- Magnificent Marrow
-- Magic Mushrooms
-- Orgasmic Onions
-- Passionate Potatoes
-- Potent Peppers
-- Predisposed Parsnips
-- Provocative Parsley
-- Risque Rutabaga
-- Robust Radishes
-- Romancing Romaine
-- Scintillating Swisschard
-- Sensual Squash
-- Sultry Snow Peas
-- Shapely Shallots
-- Succulent Spinach
-- Stimulating Sprouts
-- Tantalizing Tomatoes
-- Wanton Watercress
-- Yearning Yucca
-- Zesty Zucchini


For those interested in the nuances of vegetable names please consult Mighty Fine Words And Smashing Expressions.

For those turned off turnips or members of the vulgar veggy family, (probably the lumpy, bumpy and icky yellow ones), feel free to pick up a copy of The Ugly Vegetables by Grace Lin.

And last but not least, for those seeking a more intriguing, entertaining and informative romp through a practical handbook on pumpkin-oriented paramours, please consult the Dictionary of Aphrodisiacs by H.E. Wedeck.


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