Friday, August 18, 2006


Or, what’s a little more miscellaneous mayhem on the fairway anyway?

By Samantha Tooting-Beck, a happy hide-and-seek, here-and-thereian with a penchant for Master’s of Slow Play, glow-in-the-dark balls, and eliminating the yips!

There’s only one place on earth where birdies and eagles are welcome…and it’s not “Ducks Unlimited”!

It’s high time something was done to liven up the game of golf! Enough with those snotty-nosed sportsmen and their cajoling caddies!! Frankly, the world could do with a few more wedgies, whiffers, and whooshers!

For the benefit of those who think that knocking tiny dimpled balls into prickly bushes, sandboxes, and hidey holes for hours on end is fun, let’s revisit this godforsaken game.

Here are ten things that would make golf more exciting for novice and seasoned players alike.
  1. Golf attire must include a football helmet, red flannelette long johns, and a pair of snowshoes.
  2. There must be five holes with colorful flags to aim for on each putting green.
  3. Each hole shall serve cocktails, finger food, and enthusiastic applause.
  4. Provision for a hot air balloonist to carry players’ clubs and a scuba diver to fetch lost balls from the bottom of ponds.
  5. Tournament-approved baseballs, beach balls, and billiard balls will be used for a minimum of three holes.
  6. One putting green must be played with nothing but a toothpick and a ping-pong ball.
  7. One hole must be played blindfolded.
  8. At least one hole must be played with a croquet ball and mallet.
  9. For extrications from bunkers or sandtraps, players will be provided with stilts and hockey sticks.
  10. On the 19th hole, award the honorary title, Duke/Duchess of Divots, to those who uproot the most grass per square foot during a round of golf.

Remember, the only place in America where the “handicapped” are welcome is on a golf course!