10 THINGS NOT TO SAY ON VALENTINE'S DAY

Or, is a rose as sweet by any other name?

By Theolonius McTavish*, a vapid, verseless, Valentine’s card giver who would rather forget about February 14th altogether if that was humanly possible


The folks from Lovelines reported that on May 21, 2006 some 4,396 bloggers posted the word "love" somewhere on their sites. How many will post that word on "St. Valentine's" this year remains to be seen.

Valentine’s Day is an absolutely horrible day, especially if one is trying to find just the right card for the love of one’s life, let alone the de rigueur flower arrangement and sumptuously packaged goody box.

It is an equally dismal day, if one is expecting a cute card delivered on a bed of red roses not to mention a bottle of fine red wine together with a box of my lady’s finest chocolate truffles...none of which arrive on the appointed day.

So, if you flub on this fanciful occasion, please practice these pesky pieces of prose on your pet plant or animal companion before whispering the usual sweet-nothings in someone else’s ear on February 14th.

-- Am I’m glad you showed up – I was afraid I’d actually have to kiss that frog! (Gratuitous greeting to an insignificant other.)

-- Withering Violets …you call that a bouquet for a buxom beauty like me! (A brusque ‘bon not’ to a penny-pinching paramour.)

-- So Don Juan, just how many hearts have you broken today? (A zesty zinger for a corporate Casanova masquerading as Cupid.)

-- Just because you’re wearing silk boxer shorts with little red hearts doesn’t mean I know you! (A succinct statement to a spouse one has known far too long.)

-- I don’t do birthday suits…find another gene pool to swim in! (Terse text message to a tasteless twit or near-naked nincompoop.)

-- Do you give prizes to folks who sneeze all over your fancy flowers? (Casual query to a florist.)

-- If I hear another frigging “My Funny Valentine” ring tone duet I'm gonna barf! (One-sided colorful conversation of a Blackberry-boyfriend.)

-- Does this meal come with a magnifying glass or am I supposed to supply my own? (Response to a snooty French restaurant server who brings you one misshapen morsel of mussel in a tiny shell on a large, empty, bone china dinner plate as the main course!)

-- When you’ve finished playing with your little rubber bow and arrow maybe you could peel me a grape! (Saucy salutation from a dainty damsel who’s tired of waiting for her knight-in-shining armour to get with the program.)

-- Kindly keep your candy-wrappers to yourself! (Curt comment from an environmentally-unfriendly Valentine vixen.)

Alternatively, you can always pick up a copy of Love on a Rotten Day: An Astrological Survival Guide to Romance and try to wing it as it were, or at least find yourself a planet that will roll out the red carpet for you ...on your birthday.

And to all those serenity-challenged swains whose pet kimodo dragon consumed their beloved's Valentine card for breakfast, to those who polished off at lunch the box of chocolates intended for their inamorata, and to those who forgot to pick up a plastic petal arrangement from the Dead Flower Society for their sweetheart, thankfully here are a myriad of ways to say "I love you" (in 100 languages)!

__________

*Theo's advice for the hopeless romantic, learn how how to write a love poem with help from the wiki world types.

OUTRAGEOUS EVENTS FOR FEBRUARY 2007

Or, bring on some odd, strange, and weird things to do!



By Lady Beatrice Blitterlees & Lord Earl Craboon, two party-tossing twits of some renown.




February is no ordinary month. It’s full of feisty, frisky and fun things to do, especially if you’re into celebrating the end of winter (Groundhog Day), not to mention lots of hogs (Chinese New Year’s – The Year of the Golden Pig), and kisses (Valentine’s when Cupid cavorts about with his bow and arrow reminding us why love makes the world go round).

February 2 – WIP WING BOWL in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (US) an annual gluttonous get-together for cockamamie consumers. Twenty contestants will compete against five pesky poultry palates from the International Federation of Competitive Eaters (IFOCE) to see who munches the most chicken wings in 30 minutes.

February 3 - ARROGANT WORMS - a trio of titillators will perform at the Creekside Theater, in Kelowna, British Columbia (Canada) -- all you could ask for from Canada's self-proclaimed Clowned Princes of Humor, Purveyors of the Absurd, and Ambassadors of Fun!

February 14 - Cupid and Cassanova may be busy today, so you might want to drop by a pick up a pesky greeting from the folks at Valentine's From Hell.

February 15 - FLAG DAY IN CANADA -- First find Canada on a map, now design a new flag for this curious country full of crazy Canucks, (which may include but not be limited to loose moose, boisterous beavers, or something called Sasquatch. For more information please contact Rick Mercer.

February 18 - CHINESE NEW'S YEAR'S -- Yippee -- It's the "Golden Year of the Pig", time to pick up one of those heavenly hogwash t-shirts and celebrate!

Before February 20 - SOUTHWEST AIRLINES is sponsoring a contest seeking super-duper snicker videos made by "you" ...to promote wierd or wonderful excursions to any of their 63 dazzling destinations.