Friday, April 29, 2005


Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in May 2005

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon (long-lost kissing cousins of the noble Grandiose Family)*

When the odd flibbertygibbet or two is flattened beyond recognition by a "medicine ball" or a daffy duffus appears on the back nine, you know it must be the merry month of May.

If truth be told, the only folks who really care what month it is are roosters. Forget about finding a bag of loot in the barnyard of life, it has the rooster’s name on it not yours. But, there is one day you can take credit for, “Poppycock Appreciation Day”!

So, if you’re into dancing around a May pole, sending a soppy Mother’s Day card, or maybe even dressing up like a cow in the Island Dairy Victoria Day parade in British Columbia’s capital city – you’ve hit the jackpot.

On the other hand, you could chuck the whole thing and take your long awaited a trip to visit Uncle Tootall in Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario.

Are you really committed to chewing the fat with weird Aunt Willow, playing with all those ill-behaved pets, not to mention swatting black flies and listening to those morally-uplifting tales around the campfire about the joys of living in “God’s Country”?

Why not just stay home and enjoy the frivolous festivities of MIRTHFUL MAY** plus the glorious mayhem that may result from having a good time.

1. May Pole Dancing Appreciation Day (put on your dancing shoes, it’s time to trip the light fantastic …no that doesn’t mean gawking at the girls in g-strings)

2. Whoohoo Awareness Day (now’s your time to shine the spotlight on anyone you know with questionable attitudes, unusual proclivities, and tasteless pastimes)

3. International SNAFU Day (it’s definitely time to celebrate “Silly No-Nos and Funny Undertakings” or screw-ups that truly drive people right up the wall, around the bend, if not the looney bin)

4. You Deal With It Day (the one occasion when all those “yes” folk get to surprise everyone by declaring "No" – You Deal With It …I’m going fishing today, so there!)

5. Polka Dot & Plaid Day (another mirthful mix and match day – a great way to make a fashion statement by wearing any weird wardrobe you please!)

6. Toot Your Own Horn Day (time to flaunt every frigging diploma/award you’ve got – like “Best Kisser in the World”, “First Class Stud” or “Grade 2 Grad”)

7. Party Pooper Recognition Day (time to suggest that all the wet-blanket wunderkinds you know visit a God-forsaken place like Zap, North Dakota)

8. Of Course I Love You Day (time to honor Momma Bears, or more to the point the wonder-women who have brought all those bundles of joy into the world … a little more flower-power if you please!)

9. Broccoli & Brussel Sprout Appreciation Day (for those who haven’t got a clue what frigging finger-foods are or how to make a heart-healthy veggie burger)

10. One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eater Day (time to discover what doesn’t hang out in a petting zoo, inhabit a fish tank, or live on Mars)

11. National Nosey-Parker Day (in recognition of all the interlopers, meddlers and busybodies you know who couldn’t survive without a piece of juicy gossip)

12. Pluto Appreciation Day (let “nonsense” be your guide; just ask everyone you meet today what attractions they would suggest you see when you visit your favorite planet in our solar system next week)

13. Useless Hand-Made Gift Day (what a fortunate occasion to dream up something something utterly abominable to present as a token of affection from a loopy friend)

14. Frisbee Golf Tournament Day (if boomerang won’t come back, you don’t know how to surf, and you’re tired of whacking a little white ball around 18 freaking tiny holes in the ground…why not take up a low-impact sport that doesn’t require a helmet, shoulder pads or a big bag account)

15. House of Cards Recognition Day (time to build a house of cards; then huff, puff and blow the bleeping thing down like Billy Goat Gruff…oh lighten up will you!)

16. Bounce Something on Your Knee Day (a great way to keep any screaming banshee, hollering thing, or pesky pet quiet…before you wring its neck!)

17. Unplug It Day (what a wonderful opportunity to rid yourself of wicked wireless devices and wretched wired weasels for at least the next 24 hours)

18. Glove Compartment, Jump Seat & Bonnet Appreciation Day (well it's about time to show off your racy vocabulary…but beware of all those baby-boomer bump n’ grinders on the highway of life)

19. Chewing Gum Awareness Day (time to test out all those fruity flavors and then leave a wonderful wad behind on a freshly-painted park bench, a clean floor, or a bedpost overnight)

20. Polka Dot Bikini & Bedazzling Brief Day (for all those funky folk who need an excuse to play that old “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot” tune naturally)

21. Stilts & Pogo Jumping Day (for anyone who can't walk on water but needs something a tad extreme to impress their wimpy relatives, boring friends or last but not least...a sees-all-knows-all boss)

22. Gemini Recognition Day (ever wondered who adores the color orange, hates being confided to bed, and hankers for a game of darts, snooker, or table tennis at midnight?)

23. Cow Pie Appreciation Day*** (okay, so you’re lactose intolerant and your hay fever allergy makes you grumpy…but the least you can do is quit complaining and moo right along with a whole bunch of other color-coordinated cows doing what comes naturally in the annual Island Farms “Victoria Day” parade)

24. National Ninnyhammer Day (time to honor all the Naysayers, Nimrods, and Nit-Pickers in your circle of fly-by-night friends and fickle family members)

25. Silly Putty Appreciation Day (you may not be able to color between the lines, but manipulating Silly Putty …well that takes skill, experience, and a diploma in really, really dumb stuff … good news …you’re overqualified on all counts)

26. Bubble Blowing Challenge (and you thought this was a contest for adults with short-attention spans, a large lung capacity, and an abiding interest in detergents)

27. Smack Your Lips Day (a great opportunity for those without pucker power to avoid whistling while they work or else winning the affection of lost pets)

28. Flashlight Tag Day (for all those A-type personalities who need to overcome their fear of the dark, creepy glow-worms, or extraterrestrials out for an evening stroll)

29. “Groovy” Dance Day (time to teach someone you know with two large left feet how to do the “frug”, the “shimmy”, the “monkey”, the “swim”, the “loco-motion”, the “bus stop” and of course the ever-popular but classic “fox trot”)

30. Paint-By-Numbers Day (so you aren’t Rembrandt but if you can read, count and aren’t color-blind, you’ll find this more entertaining than feeding pigeons)

31. Pied Piper & Pig-In-A-Poke Recognition Day (time to nominate anyone you know who truly deserves the prestigious “Pinhead of the Year Award”)


* For more information about the gargantuan Grandiose clan, do drop by or better yet give a dingle to the official family historian, "Sir Charles", (winner of the prestigious "Scribe of the Month Club" award for prickmedainty penmanship) at

**For a little more mirth or better yet ...oodles of merry mayhem in your life, why not take a short sabbatical (actually any excuse will do) and mosey on over to SNAFU UNIVERSITY ...they've got a cute course and a darling diploma with your nutty name on it! Check it out at

***To make up for the klutzy crash-landing on that cute cowpie, maybe you should seek some solace over at Ben & Jerry's ice cream parlour

And for the poor sot who bitterly complained to us in a four-page fax about not being able to celebrate "the darling buds of May", we humbly suggest that he find something useful to do besides flapping his gums and turning up his nose indignantly at the rest of us. We highly recommend that he take a long leap off a short pier or get a wiggle on over to this wicked website for more information about the origin of the expression "the darling buds of May"

Friday, April 22, 2005


Or, are you sure Windows XP can fly me to the moon and back?

Theolonius McTavish, a quirky curmudgeon whose mirthful meanderings include slow food, slow motion, and slow dating in that order of magnitude

The world is moving at a break-neck speed these days, so it’s no wonder we’re impressed as heck with turbo-charged racing cars, bored out of our trees with fast food, and whacked out of our gourds by something called jet lag.

And, since every problem needs a solution including where to find the best beer in town, who insisted on moving my cheese, and why Godot hasn't arrived yet, it's not surprising someone had to write a masterpiece like -- “How to Do Everything with Windows XP”.

For residents of planet earth who don’t own book let alone a computer, dweebs who haven’t got a clue how to operate a laptop, a DVD player, or an iPod for that matter, and dingbats who prefer using a pencil and paper – this breathtaking book will regrettably do nothing to improve their lot in life.

It would be nice to think that computer hardware and software is a match made in heaven. But few of us understand the intricate workings of these digital doom machines that often go belly up from back-door bugs, virulent viruses, and nefarious nuisances called Trojan horses.

So, I’m not inclined to put too much faith in a book or a machine that guarantees my life will be worry-free, painless, and cost less than a visit to the Tooth Fairy-Godfather.

Methinks it’s a tad presumptuous on the part of the author to suggest that I can do everything with "Windows-XP". Is there nothing this awesome piece of magic can't do?

I admit I can't pull rabbits out of a hat. But please tell me again how "Windows-XP" will help me do the following list of daily chores that keep me fit as a fiddle, peachy keen, not to mention at one with the universe of all things great and small?

  • Sing saucy songs at the top of my lungs in the shower just to annoy my high-brow, nosey-poking, next-door neighbor.

  • Brush my teeth to remove the grunge (tartar) and make my breath fragrant as all get out (so other living creatures will feel comfortable in my presence).

  • Relieve myself occasionally and conveniently when the spirit moves me.

  • Talk compassionately to my pet rock “Godot”.

  • Feed my rather sparse-leafed money tree named “Kaching”.

  • Walk my miniature rottweiler “Sir Galahad” (and of course pick up after him with those brand-named doggy bags).

  • Meditate on life without monsters, telemarketers, and virtual reality TV shows.

  • Unplug, debottleneck, and take power naps (whichever comes first).

  • Separate recyclables and transport the refuse to designated bins marked “paper only”, “glass”, “plastic”, and “everything else but the kitchen sink”.

  • Prepare my favorite comfort food, “bangers and mash” (i.e. well cooked pork and mashed potatoes garnished with gobs of calorie-laden butter and gravy).

My humble advice is stay away from digital devices and books that tell you how easy it is to operate them. Whenever you feel the urge to know more about a dingus or purchase a doodad that does everything, just visit a kindergarten nearby and ask the little tikes how to have fun.

And, as every kid at heart knows, you don’t need another bleeping book or the latest bit of bling-bling to know you’re alive and how to have fun!!


If you simply can't do without your copy of this book to make your life worth living...then by all means check it out

Thursday, April 21, 2005


Or, what doesn’t have web feet, feathers and can’t even quack?

By Truman Tockhole III, a casual observer of alien artifacts, odd orifices and strange stuff found underwater, below ground, in the refrigerator, or beneath one’s bed

What does one do with an empty calendar?

The simple answer is to fill in the blanks with all manner of really important things to do. But, if you’re like some folks, (with neither a calendar nor a “to-do” list), it’s your lucky day to engage in diddly squat.

On the other hand, if you have a curious gene in your blessed body like yours truly, you may want to learn some rather important lessons of life from a duck of a different sort.

With a mere 39,900 websites devoted to the longest living creature on earth, the "geoduck", you’d think everyone would know a thing or two about this little gem that lives in a shell beneath the sea.

Okay, so you're not up to snuff on the humble geoduck. Trust me, being an edible, five-pound clam from the Pacific Coast does have certain advantages.

  • For one thing, it’s a dandy little handle to have, but few can pronounce this seven-letter word correctly (it’s “gooey-duck” if you really want to know).

  • Just when you thought all ducks have web feet, feathers, quack and live in marshlands built by Ducks Unlimited, this alien creature buried in sand and salt water comes along to prove you wrong; (now the real question these critters ever grab some shut-eye...maybe even a power nap or snooze like the rest of us?)

  • Being old, having a very long neck, and no brain is cool (especially if you’re a “wet one” who has no compelling need for dry diapers).

  • But, stay away from folks with fins, a high-velocity squirt gun, and underwater breathing apparatus (if you value your life or want to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for Longevity).

  • Telling everyone you went to school with “Tony the Tuna” won’t win you any brownie points (because brownies don’t live in the sea silly); so fess up…admit you haven’t got a clue who Neptune is, better yet “clam up” and behave yourself.

  • Stop fretting about your lack of talent, skills, or business acumen, because if the only thing you've mastered is how to suck and spit, you’ve either got the makings of a first class slob (or else you’re a genuine geoduck)!

  • Since you’ve always fancied yourself a bit of a catch or a fine delicacy, you'll be heartened to know that in China they adore your tasty flesh in soup, in a hot pot, or fresh with a bit of tangy sauce (what a relief -- no more wimpy fries, calorie-laden burgers, or chocolate milk shakes for you)!

To make a long story short, he who is able to keep his trap shut, suck wind, and bury his head in the sand will always be valued by anyone who lives in a glass hut. More to the point, those who fancy a large serving of sushi or stir fry will never have to "dig deep" when you're around.

Just remember when everything seems to be spinning out of control around you put on a smile, take a another sip of your favorite hooch, and whatever you do ... KEEP CLAM!!


For those who can't get enough of geoducks and are keenly interested in learning more about this weird creature, check out Agri-Food Canada:

You mean you want some more facts about geoducks -- okey dokey...let your fingers do the walking over to

And when you need a t-shirt to remind you what every good clam digger knows...visit

Saturday, April 02, 2005



By Susan Snitterby, social butterfly and frequent patron of the Victoria Crumpets & Tea Club, and more importantly, a special event reporter for the "Lost Lemon Daily News"

Reaction continues to pour in to the standing-room only “1st Annual Feast of Fools”, held on Friday, April 1 at James Bay Coffee & Books in Victoria, British Columbia.

“What would April 1st be without food for thought from a fool?” asked Oliver Mincher, professional fop and a philanderer.

B.J. Bunkum III, a celebrated boondoggler (and dedicated government backbencher representing the Gulp Islands), reported that the event was “a fantastic flop”. He was deeply disappointed that he failed to secure a prize in the “Flapdragon Competition”, although he had to admit he had won a box of “Smarties” (for being a good sport).

On the other hand, Sherlock Tidpit, a truculent turnip grower from Silly Billy Farms in Snookums, gave the event a “green thumbs up”! He especially enjoyed the opportunity to meet a real-live party-tosser by the name of “Patricia” (who lured him into a fool’s gold game where he lost his pokey for the night).

Sir Thomas Tipplewick, (Director of the Royal Museum of Commodes & Tinkle Pantries), was simply elated with the opportunity to meet and greet so many “beautiful boat people” from the “Ship of Fools” (docked in nearby Victoria Harbor).

Bumby Pymble, Esq. (former Doorman at the Mad Hatter Club, and now an official Wall-Tart Greeter), was delighted with the fabulous flutophone, fluglehorn and fiddlestick performances by “Three Snakes in the Grass”, “Two Turtle Hens”, and saucy storytelling by someone called “Lover”, and an uppity upstart named the “Queen of Everything”.

“Fool on the Hill” and other merry melodies flowed from the keyboard of Michael “H” followed by giggling guitar solos from “Dan the DJ Vocalist”. Not to be outdone by the musicians, “Greenman” (a jestfully-inclined “artiste”), “Dean” (the clever caricature man), and “Marioposa” (the official event shutterbugger) captured the odd expressions on more than a few foolish faces.

A guest appearance by Victoria Elizabeth, HRH ‘The Quipping Queen’, Empress Of Eccentricity, and Patroness of Grand Pooh-Bahs, highlighted the folly occasion (which was a good thing since Associated Press in Washington DC had called the day before to find out if the queen even existed and if the event was for real)!

And, a very big vote of thanks was given to the jocular-minded owners and staff of James Bay Coffee & Books, plus the volunteer vamps from the “Dialogue Strings Circle Society” of Victoria, not to mention several wild women wearing jester costumes (who wondered if they had sashayed in on the wrong party).

A good time was had by all, (judging from the mess left behind). And thankfully the monsoon and high winds that struck the city on April Fools’ Day kept the rest of the fops and fonkins away until next year!