Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Or, how to say discreet things in public without causing embarrassment

By: Count Guidobaldo Le Touquet, one who excels in excursive expeditions into a myriad of matters involving the expedient expulsion of effervescent effluvium.

It has been said that distasteful discussion about the expulsion and evacuation of masticated materials is better left for locker room chitchat or all-night sister gabs.

While everyone purports to be in favor of respecting "Mother Nature", few want to talk about their daily duties nor what to do with the precious poop left behind by domesticated pets and people plus numerous Sasquatches, Yetis, and Yahoos that inhabit the Wild Wild Kingdom on planet Earth.

Impromptu “calls of nature” are to be expected since we are after all Homo-sapiens. Although how we respond to such primal urges in a social context requires mastering all manner of niceties, and a code of conduct better known as ‘Egesta Etiquette’.

To assist in this process, the English language has coined a variety of flowery phrases and mellifluous metaphors to express the urgency of attending to the vagaries of Mother Nature.

Since the days of Adams and Eve, men and women have been excusing themselves to attend to their offal obligations. Macho males do not wax eloquent on this topic. Instead they prefer to use rather short and succinct expressions like, “I’m going off to take a piss, dump, leak, piss or a crap”.

Those males with a little more class such as “Men from Mars” and their close kin often referred to as “metrosexuals”, observe a little more propriety about these middling matters by avoiding the use of any delightfully raw and debased expressions in reference to the discharge of organic matter.

Victorian ladies and Vixens from Venus on the other hand tend to express things in a most discrete and delicate manner, in hushed tones at all times. Cultural fashion dictates that females find alternative titillating terms that reflect the ancient rituals and customs associated with wishing to be ensconced in the privacy, comfort and convenience afforded by her very own tinkle temple thank you very much.

To the average non-English speaker or alien from outerspace however, common evacuation euphemisms and potty parlance appear rather ambiguous if not altogether enigmatic.

While might wish to ask, “Where’s the bathroom?” to a server walking by in a fancy restaurant, it is rather more polite and indeed some might say even de rigeur to inquire from the maître d’, directions to the nearest “necessarium”, “place of ease”, or “comfort station”.

Being quite at home in one’s own “loo” or “water closet”, seated upon a posh porcelain god, is one thing as is trudging happily about in the backwoods somewhere to enjoying the call of the wilds not to mention an aromatic piece of architecture known as a “biffy”, “latrine”, “outhouse”, “privy”, (or the floating kind known as a “head”). However, it’s best not to dwell for any length of time on this tawdry topic of conversation while in mixed company.

Please refrain from any reference to any mobile, miracle methane technologies such as “high-speed honey wagons” and digitally-programmed “dunnies” or “donnikers”, as this will inevitably result in unwarranted questions from curious souls wishing to know more about these mundane yet mucky matters. On the other hand, Zen-inpsired environmentalists will probably find it helpful to refer to the value of using “night deposits” in replenishing the soil in their roof-top urban garden and as a way of honoring “Mother Nature”!

As to excusing oneself to make a “quick pit stop” at the closest “can” or “john”, it’s best to say something more innocuous like, “Do you mind if we stop to find the ladies’/mens’ room, the restroom, or the facilities?”

Last but not least, when faced with an ordure ordeal or on the brink of a biological break, it is best to abstain from using the vulgar vernacular such as needing to “drain the lizard”, “perfume the loo”, “siphon the python”, “tap a kidney, “train Thomas on the terracotta”, “void my bladder”, “water my horse” or “see a man about a dog”.

Instead, one should relieve oneself by relying on a few good-old standbys such as:
  • "I’m going to freshen up."
  • "I’m going to powder my nose."
  • "I’m going to see Mrs. Murphy."
  • "I’m going to shake the dew off a lily."
  • "I’m going to visit the ‘Happy Room’."
  • "I’m going to visit the little girls’/boys’ room."
  • "I’m going to visit the little inventor’s room."
  • "I’m going to visit the Powder Room."
  • "I’m going to visit the Tinkle Pantry."
  • "I’m taking my daily constitutional."

For those with “blue blood” who adore “red carpet” and “royal treatment”, please feel free to use the following phrases:

  • "I’m going to my Royal Office."
  • "I’m going where even the Emperor must go on foot."
  • "I’m going where the King/Queen goes alone."
  • "I’m reclaiming my throne."
  • "I’m retiring for a while to reign on my porcelain throne."

And, to those who’ve been raised on indoor plumbing or who're spending vast amounts of money and leisure-time hidden away in a spiffy spa behind a bolted bathroom door – may you find your inner peace and your Manifest Destiny ...without the need for either T.P. or me!

Monday, February 27, 2006


Or, how to enjoy more jocularity

Sherlock Tidpit is a remarkable rumpus-room monitor, and even more impressive, he's a rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a very skewed assessment of reality, (which among other things makes him a very valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen).

“March” is the fourth month of the Gregorian calendar.

In Latin “March” means to “walk forth”. So, if you don’t like shilly-shallying or sallying forth, aren’t really into “March Madness”, and aren’t prepared to worship the Roman God of war “Mars”, you might want to skip this month altogether.

And if truth be told, 52 per cent of prospective parents at a certain baby naming website voted against foisting this middling moniker known as "March" upon their offspring.

Those who wish to enjoy the jolly spirit of jocularity should do everything in their power to avoid engaging in any of the following fruitless things this month.

1. Banging, bopping or breaking things and creating calamity just because you feel like flexing your mighty muscles, playing King of the Castle, or ruling the Universe; after all, this isn’t a great way to win friends and influence people since there’s always someone out there with a bigger and better billy-club who’s bound to knock you off your Humpty-Humpty pedestal when you’re not looking - then splat, splotch, or whatever all over the place - and no one prepared to patch up your DNA or pick up your 1001 pieces!

2. Making any feudal obligations you’re not prepared to keep forever and ever like asking for the hand of someone in marriage, using floss every day to keep Evil Gingivitis at by or agreeing to take out the garbage for the rest of your life here on planet earth.

3. Can’t imagine being “Mad as a Hatter” or “Mad as a March Hare” - just never agree to play these pathetic pet parts in a dysfunctional drama like “Alice In Wonderland!”

4. On March 8th, avoid casually ogling or waving in a royal manner to members of the female gender they may think you’re harassing them on “International Women’s Day”!

5. This may be the birth sign month of Mars-ruled, fire-eaters like Aries, but resist the temptation to play with someone who’s brash, impulsive, doesn’t listen, exercises poor judgment, always needs to be “top dog”, and is blind to his or her effect on others. Frankly, Scarlet or Scottie, you can do way better by mixing with other classy cosmic critters!

6. On March 15th, beware of the “Ides of March”, by brushing off any dodgy business deals involving money-laundering with any member of a career offender cartel, respectfully pass up invitations to attend any impromptu toga parties, or listen to any half-baked hocus pocus from a fortune-teller who reads tea leaves and examines the insides of toads.

7. On “St. Patrick’s Day”, March 17th, refuse to wear green attire of any kind including boxer shorts or thongs, and turn down an enticement to eat or drink anything green in color no matter how many times your doctor, fitness trainer or your significant other tells you it’s good for you!

8. Men may come from Mars and women from Venus, but best way to hook up with destiny’s darling is to wait patiently for another 11 months when courteous Cupid, cavorting Casanova or perhaps that cute Cat next door will come knocking for a very naughty night out on the town!

9. Hanging around Numerology nudniks, (especially those with a passion for number 7) can be a tad exhausting; you know, the typical ones who adore analyzing things to death, mystify why apples always fall from the tree on me, and tend to focus on the big picture while forgetting about what to prepare for dinner tonight…unless you’re a family-friendly furry one named Fido or Fifi!

10. On March 20th, (the first official day of Spring), do not tell everyone you’re responding to the call of nature by building a privy or prancing about in your blessed birthday suit!


You may be interested to know that this name is not ranked in the top 1000 most popular names from 1990 – 2003.

Being “mad as a March hare” has its advantages, since during the March breeding season, it is said that hares are wilder than at other times of the year (which is probably why the Easter Bunny is highly over-rated for his prolific prowess in North American society).

Sunday, February 26, 2006


Or, a ditty dedicated to the key of “d”

By: Samantha Tooting-Beck, not-your-average Cosmo girl, but one with an abiding interest in old or odd words that have been banished from common conversation.

In the interests of resurrecting rather fine words that rarely see the light of day in either spoken or written English, I’ve decided to create a delightful ditty dedicated to the fourth letter “d” of the English alphabet.

Darvel Dillytop, an amateur danseuse realized that her dangling dashpot days were over.

Suffice to say that the diaplasticks weren’t working any more, and the deleterious effects of a dry-diet were leaving her in a davering, distraught and drowning the miller state of mind as she contemplated the double onslaught of dysania and dysbulia. Frankly, the prospect of spending her remaining time on terra firma with a bunch of ding-a-lings and dingbats did not exactly ring her chimes.

Not wanting to become a dwizzen-faced, deliquesced diva (let alone a doddering Delilah with a decorative dome doily atop her cerebellum) or even worse, dwanged before her time, she decided to deliberate upon the matter while ensconced comfortably on a donnicker in a nearby donjon (that incidentally offered a fresh new perspective on life).

There she encountered a deformed durry, a dough ball and a dream stick. Not one for dumpster diving or drinking tobacco, she exercised her druthers and determined that it was high time for her to dress up like a dog’s dinner and consult a dookin, a douzeper, plus a druid for good measure, before there was a downswing in the market and the inevitable loss of all her double-digit investment opportunities.

The dookin, (after presentation of a double sawbuck), suggested that if this delectable den mother wished to avoid dystopia her best bet was to keep dronish dupes, dramatic monologists and double-talking droobs at a distance. Next she was advised to seek the company of a suitable dough bug that wished to make this doozer of dollybird his very own dowsasel and not a disreputable doxy or a draggle-tail.

The dagger-sporting douzeper, (named “Don Quixote”), indicated that the dewy-eyed deltiologist should satisfy her urge for dromomania by purchasing a dream sack, a dufflebag, and a book on dontopedalogy. He also warned her to be on the lookout for double-speaking drab doppelgangers and a duet of donsy doo-woppers. Clearly engaging in ducks and drakes or donkeywork and drudgery are not pastimes fit for a drop-dead gorgeous damsel who’s destined to become at the very least a dulcimer-playing water nymph or at best, a deceptive dynamo named Dulcinea with a walk-on part in a deodorant commercial at a droll-booth performance.

The double-dome druid after double-checking the diurnal activities of a dormouse, and examining a docile dowcet, recommended she drop her dowager duchess routine, ditch the idea of becoming a devil’s advocate and dodge any door-to-door dummkopfs, dunderheads or dunghavenhooters that might come knocking. He also told her never to date a double-negative dyvour, a dithering do-si-do type or become anyone’s down-at-the-heel doormat.

Needless to say, after such dharmic guidance from a bunch of divine dudes, this demure deipnosophist knew that neither demolition derbies nor dazzling diamonds could ever divert her from her dolce vita future with the man of her dreams…a distinguished dental-flosser and desirable deosculator … the denuded Don Juan himself!


For the benefit of baffled readers, A Lexicon of Lost-And-Found Words (containing words beginning with the letter "d" found in the above tale of twaddle and twittery) follows:

dangling – descriptive of activities performed by a circus trapeze artist
danseuse - a female ballet dancer
davering – walking about in a dazed condition, as in to wander aimlessly
dashpot – shock absorber
deleterious – harmful
deipnosphist – one who is exceptionally good at dinner-table conversation
Delilah – the mistress and betrayer of Samson in the book of Judges
deliquesced – to become soft or liquid with age
deltiologist – one who collects postcards
demure – affectedly modest, coquettishly coy, or reserved
denuded – without the benefit of a fig leaf, naked as it were…
deosculator – one who kisses kisser affectionately and passionately
dharmic – pertaining to an individual’s duty fulfilled by observance of customs or cosmic laws
ding-a-lings – nitwits, kooks
dingbats – nincompoops, noddypoles, nudnicks, and nuisances
diaplasticks – medicines which are good for a limb out of place
dithering – a highly confused, indecisive, nervous or vacillating person
diva – a distinguished female or posh performer
doddering – feeble, senile old fogy
dolce vita – a life of indolence and self-indulgence
dollybird – pretty young woman
dome doily – a wig
Don Juan – a captivating man known as a great lover or seducer of women
donjon – the main tower of a castle.
donnicker – a toilet
donsy – restive or saucy
dontolpedalogy – putting one’s foot in one’s mouth
dookin – fortune-teller
doozer – an extraordinary of its kind
doppleganger – the ghost or double of a living person
double-dome - intellectual
dough ball – stale bread and cinnamon used as fish bate
dough bug – a wealthy person
double sawbuck – a twenty dollar bill
douzeper – one of twelve legendary knights
dowager – dignified elderly widow
dowcet – the testicle of a deer or rabbit
down-at-the-heel – old-fashioned, shabby
dowsasel – a sweetheart
doxy – floozy or mistress
drab – cheerless; descriptive of “droobs” i.e. boring or dull people
draggle-tail – slattern or slovenly-dressed saucy female acquaintance
dream sack – a cowboy term for a sleeping bag
dream stick – an opium pipe
dressed up like a dog’s dinner – to wear one’s best bib and tucker
druid – an ancient Celtic priest known to have magical powers
drinking tobacco – euphemism for smoking
drippers – people who constantly grouch and grumble
droll-booth – a traveling theater
dromomania – the compulsive longing for travel
dronish – habitually lazy
droobs – dull or boring people
drowning the miller – adding too much water to wine or spirits
druthers – free choice, preference
dry-diet – total abstinence from liquids
dry-suit – a close-fitting waterproof rubber suit used especially by skin divers
ducks and drakes – skimming flat stones or shells along the surface of calm water
dulcimer – a stringed trapezoidal-shaped instrument played with light hammers held in the hands
Dulcinea – mistress or sweetheart (of Don Quixote).
dummkopfs - blockheads
dumpster-diving – collecting stuff tossed away in private or public refuse receptacles
dunderheads – big blockheads
dunghavenhooters – imaginary mouthless creatures that beat their victims into gas and inhale them through large nostrils
durry – a cigarette butt
dwanged – bowed down, decrepit with too much harassment and worry
dwizzen-faced - skinny-looking parched person
dysania – having a difficult time waking up in the morning
dysbulia – loss of will power
dystopia – an imaginary place where everybody is depressed
dyvour – one who is bankrupt

Saturday, February 25, 2006


Or, words you haven’t got a clue what they do

By: Samantha Tooting-Beck, a wordmongering wanderlust and wizardess of jim-crackery who enjoys musing about the mysteries of misplaced words and mangled meanings.

For those with a love of lost-and-long-forgotten words like me, the dictionary can be a plucky pocket paramour and, if truth the bold, the next best thing to a good roll in the hay!

All of which brings me to a quickie-quiz I've developed for those with short-attention spans and a need to expand their vapid vocabulary.

So here are four fine words and meanings from which to choose. Your task for today, should you accept this mission impossible, is to separate the wonk from the weal thing (in under 120 seconds).

Remember, no peeking or poking about in any reference books, and no calls to your best friend to bail you out!!

Let the giggling game begin:


(a) A blundering fellow with a very big axe to grind.
(b) A blissful fleeting moment that’s better forgotten.
(c) A diamond that a gal wouldn’t be caught dead wearing!
(d) A pathetic particle whose spin is akin to zero.
(e) None of the above.


(a) A machine capable of turning, bending and folding in one operation.
(b) A rabbit characterized by its large size, vigor, and solid coat color in black or white.
(c) One who coaxes or wheedles relentlessly.
(d) In reference to materials of inferior quality and workmanship.
(e) None of the above.


(a) A filthy, ill-cooked mess of victuals.
(b) A cat, hare or untidy lady.
(c) An impudently bold person.
(d) An ancient preparation used to expel tapeworms.
(e) None of the above.


(a) The feeling of roughness caused by a new undergarment.
(b) Descriptive of a short, sensational, 19th century peep-show.
(c) A state of frenzy induced by dancing with the aid of a stimulant.
(d) Descriptive of an idle, good-for-nothing person; a close relative of the common schlep.
(e) None of the above.


Bort: (c)
Fleffeater: no such word (e)
Malkin: (b)
Shammocking: (d)

Friday, February 24, 2006


Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotation or two in honor of the "Year of the Dog":
"Let the dogs bark, the caravan moves on." (Anonymous)

"His bark is worse than his bite". (Proverb) Variations: "His bark is as bad as his bite." -- "He has a bark but no bite."

"You're barking up the wrong tree." (Proverb)


Speaking of barking dogs, according to 17th century English dramatist John Webster, "Cowardly dogs bark loudest."

William Shakespeare (1564-1616) had this to say on the subject of 'barking dogs' in The Merchant of Venice, "And when I ope my lips, let no dogs bark."

On the other hand, there are some observers of modern management in a dog-eat-dog world who have more profound things to say on the subject like: "Its just so much easier for the people higher up the ladder to bark down the orders, rather than come down the ladder."

And here's an unlikely dog tale that's hit the best-seller list...who'd have thought a mutt could make the author so much moola! http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060224/od_nm/life_dogstory_dc

Thursday, February 23, 2006


Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation or two, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

"We don't have to think up a title till we get the doggone book written." (Carl Sandburg, 1878-1967, American poet)

"I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
Gore, U.S. Politician)

"Doggone Life - Fighting like cats and dogs!"


There are 1,330,000 web pages devoted to the word "doggone" -- a handy euphemism for that ever popular profanity: "damn".

For those who simply adore knowing all there is to know about "doggone" feel free to visit a compendium of quirky stuff at http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definition/doggone

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


Or, are you flinging a few funny fish indignities my way?

By: Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., a pleasingly plump piscatory personality if ever there was one, who by all accounts appears to have oodles of spare time to devote to his chosen field of silver-tongued study, “research into obscure oddities of human behavior and miscellaneous mirth found in quaint Middle Earth communities”; (he also holds forth on a regular basis from a high chair located somewhere in the esteemed University of the Bleeding Obvious).

It is regrettable indeed that neither Latin, nor its loquacious lollygagging version known as “Pig-Latin”, is taught in school today.

All of which brings me to my second thought for the day, how to introduce more civility into the 21st century culture of “boordom”, a boring state of mind eagerly sought after by its key proponent, the “booboisie”.

In an effort to raise the level of ludicrous lexicography available to loobies, louts, and lunkheads everywhere, I have taken the liberty of providing a short but nevertheless comprehensive list of piscatorially-inspired profanities.

For the benefit of scamps and scapegraces with a vacuous or vulgarian vocabulary, I have provided both the common name for a variety of exotic tropical fish species in bold letters, followed by the lesser known Latin translation.

It is hoped that those seeking a positive way to express their dislike of those whom they’ve categorized as “bad eggs”, “poor fish, or “tough bunnies” will find some satisfaction in being able to sound off in a more refined manner using the glee-filled, gilled-edged glossary below.

Please insert “You” in front of the most appropriate Piscean profanity you can find that best describes your bosom buddy or the bleeping boor next door.

For peak results (that truly reflect your mirthful malevolence or madcap mood of the moment), try one of these lovely little linguistic labels on for size such as “You Alabama Hog Sucker!” Or, if you prefer something rather more ornate and ostentatious, perhaps let this tasty tidbit trip off the tip of your tongue as it were - “You Hypentelium Etowanum!”

May you enjoy flogging your funny fish monikers on unsuspecting fops and flapdoodlers. Just sit back and watch as all those jaws begin to drop as you let one of your raucous retorts roll out!

Life Lesson 7: In the mainstream of life there are many swimming species from bottom suckers to flycatchers. So if the fish name fits…wear it!


Alabama Hog Sucker - Hypentelium etowanum
Archer Eelpout - Lycodes sagittarius


Big-Eyed Synodontis - Synodontis pleurops
Big-Mouth Hap - Tyrannochromis macrostoma
Bleeding Heart Tetra - Hyphessobrycon erythrostigma
Blockhead Cichlid - Steatocranus casuarius
Blotched Pyrrhulina - Pyrrhulina spilota
Blue Lumphead - Cyrtocara moorii
Blunt-Head Cichlid - Tropheus moorii
Blunt-Headed Telmat - Telmatochromis vittatus
Bony Snouted Gudgeon - Butis butis
Bucktoothed Tetra - Exodon paradoxus
Bullrout - Notesthes robusta


Chunky Hap - Protomelas annectens
Cigar Shark - Leptobarbus hoevenii
Cloudy Doradid - Rhinodoras dorbignyi
Cockatoo Dwarf Cichlid - Apistogramma cacatuoides
Copper Mouthbrooder - Pseudocrenilabrus philander
Croaking Gourami - Trichopsis vittata
Cuckoo Synodontis - Synodontis multipunctatus

Dogtooth Cichlid - Cynotilapia afra
Dwarf Croaking Gourami - Trichopsis pumilis
Dwarf Distichodus - Distichodus decemmaculatus
Dwarf Gourami - Colisa lalia
Dwarf Livebearer - Heterandria formosa
Dwarf Snakehead - Channa gachua

Earth Eater
- Satanoperca jurupari
Elephant-Nose Cichlid - Nimbochromis linni
Elongated Lepidiolamprologus - Lepidiolamprologus elongatus
Eye Spot Loach - Acanthocobitis botia

Fathead Bichir - Polypterus weeksii
Fly-Speckled Hardyhead - Craterocephalus stercusmuscarum
Fork Tailed Lamprologus - Neolamprologus furcifer
Four-Eyes - Anableps anableps

Golden Tropheops - Pseudotropheus tropheops
Green Scat - Scatophagus argus argus
Green Terror - Aequidens rivulatus

Harlequin Shark - Labeo cyclorhynchus
High-Backed Headstander - Abramites hypselonotus
Hog-Nosed Brochis - Brochis multiradiatus

Inexpectatum Pleco - Hypoptopoma inexpectatum

Jelly Bean Tetra
- Ladigesia roloffi
Jumping Characin - Copella arnoldi

Keyhole Cichlid
- Cleithracara maronii
Kissing Gourami - Helostoma temmincki

Largemouth Buffalo
- Ictiobus cyprinellus
Lemon Algae Eater - Gyrinocheilus aymonieri
Long Nosed Loach - Acantopsis dialuzona
Lyretail Lamprologus - Neolamprologus brichardi

Moustache Synodontis - Synodontis membranaceus
Mudskipper - Periophthalmus barbarus

Northern Hog Sucker
- Hypentelium nigricans

Obese Synodontis - Synodontis obesus
Obscure Snakehead - Parachanna obscura
Ocellated Loach - Acanthocobitis urophthalmus

Pig-Face Pufferfish - Tetraodon suvatti
Pingi Logsucker - Garra pingi pingi
Pumpkinseed - Lepomis gibbosus
Purple Headed Barb - Barbus nigrofasciatus

Red Devil - Amphilophus labiatus
Red Eyed Tetra - Arnoldichthys spilopterus
Red Hump Eartheater - Geophagus steindachneri
Red Snakehead - Channa micropeltes
Red Striped Earth Eater - Geophagus surinamensis
Red Terror - Cichlasoma festae
Red Tipped Bleeding Heart Tetra - Hyphessobrycon pyrrhonotos
Red Wagtail Platy - Xiphophorus maculates
Roanoke Hog Sucker - Hypentelium roanokense
Rummynose Tetra - Hemigrammus bleheri

- Scatophagus argus
Sharp Toothed Tetra - Micralestes acutidens
Shortnose Gar - Lepisosteus platostomus
Six Barred Epiplatys - Epiplatys sexfaciatus
Six-Bar Lamprologus - Neolamprologus sexfasciatus
Six-Barred Distichodus - Distichodus sexfasciatus
Skunk Loach - Botia morleti
Slant Nosed Gar - Ctenolucius hujeta hujeta
Smallmouth Buffalo - Ictiobus bubalus
Spotnosed Gar - Lepisosteus platostomus
Spotted Hoplo - Hoplosternum pectorale
Spotted Shovelnose - Hemisorubim platyrhynchos
Spotted Snakehead - Channa punctata
Spotted Thick-Lipped Loach - Nemacheilus strauchi
Squarehead Earth Eater - Gymnogeophagus gymnogenys
Star-Gazing Doradid - Astrodoras asterifrons
Striped Headstander - Anostomus anostomus
Striped Snakehead - Channa striata
Sucking Loach - Gyrinocheilus aymonieri
Sulphurhead Hap - Otopharynx lithobates


Tail-Light Tetra - Bryconops melanurus
Texas Cichlid - Cichlasoma cyanoguttatum
Thick-Lipped Gourami - Colisa labiosa
Three Spot Eartheater - Geophagus daemon
Three Spot Gourami - Trichogaster trichopterus
Tire Track Eel - Mastacembelus armatus
Two-Spot Pink Bagrid - Mystus micracanthus

Uaru - Uaru amphicanthiodes
Umbee - Cichlasoma umbriferum

Vampire Pleco
- Leporacanthicus galaxias

- Lepomis gulosus
Wimple – Myxocyprinus asiaticus

Yellow Tetra - Hyphessobrycon bifasciatus
Yo-yo Loach - Botia lohachata

Zipper Loach
- Noemacheilus botia


Note: The author is not responsible for any politically-incorrect interpretation of the above-mentioned pointy-headed piscatorial profanities.

For fun with fish names, pithy piscatorial poseurs, fishtank name-droppers and swim-trunk showoffs are advised to check out: http://www.crickler.com/puzzle20/serenefish.html

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

"I pray thee let me and my fellow have a 'hair of the dog' that bit us last night." (Proverb)

Speaking of the 'hair of the dog that bit' ...the best remedy for a humungous hangover might well be taking a swig of the stuff that swatted you in the first place!

But, if you really need to know more about "the hair of the dog"... wander over and see what Google has to say: http://www.googlism.com/what_is/h/hair_of_the_dog/

As a matter of fact, "Hair of the Dog" also seems to be a big hit with a pack of pooches better known as "Guns N'roses"!

Monday, February 20, 2006


Or, let the feathers fly where they may!

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. , a Pretty Heavy-Duty amateur ornithologist (a.k.a brown-nosing bird-watcher) with a keen interest in 'big birds' of all kinds…but generally prefer to keep the company of frequent-flying red-heads if at all possible!

Some have described today’s workplace as an overcrowded cube-farm. I prefer to call it an awesome aviary filled with all manner of bodacious birds. Although, if truth be told, some of those warm-blooded winged creatures bear a striking resemblance to an ugly duckling, a motor-mouth mynah bird, and even an extinct species like the infamous dodo bird.

Since “birds of a feather flock together”, it behooves members of the 'wing-it' community (or wingnut command), whichever the case may be, to identify the various fowl-weather fiends or friends who share the same high-spirited, high-and-mighty, or in some cases possibly a hellishly helter-skelter habitat.

To find an appropriate loony label to hang on those bodacious bipeds inhabiting your big birdhouse, follow the instructions given below.

Step 1: Preen and screen. Get out your pen and paper, (that way you'll look breathtakingly busy when you're answering the following questions). Now put on your dunce cap and figure out who fits into what categories.
  • Who enjoys fouling your nest on a regular basis?
  • Which cockamammie character likes ruling the roost?
  • Who seems to have a knack for perching on anything or anyone just for the heck of it?
  • Do you have any “fly-by-night” types schlepping around your bird-cage?
  • Which one has a nose for odiferous things?…yup that “bird dog”!
  • Is there anyone who eats like bird at home but eats like horse when you're paying the bill?
  • Know someone who's a tad "bird-brained" or better yet simply, “for the birds”?
  • Have you ever had a "bird in the hand that's worth two in the bush?"

Step 2: Select the appropriate names from the list of bird types below that best describe your fowl friends and/or foes:

A: American Coot, Anis, auk, awk

B: Babbler (Less Orange-Footed), Bananaquit, Bare-Throated Bellbird, Bittern, Bobolink, Bonaparte, Booby (Blue-Footed or Masked), Boubou, Brambling, Brown Thrasher, Budgerigars, Bufflehead, Bullfinch, Bustard, Buzzard (Honey or Turkey)

C: Canary, Capon, Cassowary, Catbird, Chat, Chickadee, Cockerel (Red Jungle Fowl), Cockatoo, Common Loon, Common Raven, Condor, Coot, Cow Bird, Crake, Crane (Whooping), Creeper, Crossbill, Cuckoo, Curlew

D: Dalmatian Pelican, Doctor Bird, Dipper, Dotterel, Dovelet, Drongo, Dunkadoo, Dunlin

E: Egret, Eider Merganser, Elephant Bird (Extinct), Empid, Emu

F: Fantail (Piwakawaka) Flycatcher, Frigatebird (also known as a "Weather Bird"), Frowl

G: Gadwall, Gang-Gang Cockatoo, Gannet, Godwit, Goatsucker, Goosander, Goshawk, Great Bustard, Great Horned Owl, Grey-Faced Buzzard Eagle, Gull

H: Harpy Eagle, Helmeted Honeyeater, Hermit Thrush, Hoatzin, Hoopoe, Hornbill (Wrinkled), Howlet

I: Ibis

J: Jackdaw, Jungle Fowl

K: Kakapo, Keel-Billed Toucan, Kiskadee, Kingfisher (Kookaburra), Kite, Kiwi

L: Lapwing, Lark (Meadow), Larkspur, Laughing Gull, Limpkin, Linnet, Little Bustard, Longspur, Loom, Loon, Lorry, Lyre Bird

M: Macaw (Scarlet), Magpie, Merlin, Mockingbird, Monkey Eating Eagle, Moa (Extinct), Moorhen, Mourning Dove, Mudhen, Mute Swan, Mynah

N: Noddy, Nightingale, Nutcracker, Nuthatch, Nuthatcher

O: Oil Bird, Old Squaw, Oriole, Osprey, Ostrich, Ovenbird, Owl (Hooting or Screech), Oystercatcher, Oxbird

P: Palm Chat, Parakeet, Parrot, Parson Bird, Peafowl, Peewit, Pelican, Pewee, Phalarope, Pintail, Pipit, Plotopterid, Plover, Pochard, Poor-Wills, Ptarmigans, Puffins

Q: Quail (Bobwhite), Quetzal

R: Rail, Raptor, Raven, Redhead, Redpoll, Rhea, Rhinocerous Hornbill, Rifleman, Roadrunner, Roller, Rook, Rosella, Ruff, Rump

S: Sanderling, Sandpiper, Scarlet Ibis, Scissor-Tailed Flycatcher, Scoter, Seafowl, Sea-gull, Secretary Bird, Seedeater, Shearwater, Shoveller, Shrike (Butcher-bird or Loggerhead), Shitespoke, Silly Flycatcher, Skimmer, Smew, Solitary Bird, Snake Bird, Snipe, Sora, Spoonbill, Spotted Flycatcher, Starling, Stid, Stork, Swallow (Grasshopper), Swan (Black or Trumpeter), Swift, Surfbird

T: Thrush, Tit (Blue or Marsh), Titmouse, Twite

V: Vireos (Red-Eyed), Vulture (Turkey)

W: Wader, Wagtail (Grey), Warbler, Water Ouzel, Waterthrush, Waxwing, Wheatear, Whippoorwill, Widgeon, Wildfowl, Wirebird, Woodcock, Wood Duck, Woodpecker (Latter backed, Logcock or Pileated), Wren

Y: Yellowhammer (or Yellow-Shafter Flicker), Yellowlegs (Greater or Lesser).

Step 3: Having identified your favorite frequent-flying feathered folk …feel free to cackle, cachinnate, or perhaps casually curse them to your heart’s content.

Note: For best results, use your nifty new nicknames under your breath, other wise you may be kicked out of that cute columbary faster than you can count to three!


For those barmy bird-watchers in the audience, please consult this little gem for more in-depth information about bleeping bird-names http://www.nzbirds.com/more/national.html

Those interested in weird or wonky birds that have a hard time getting off the ground should probably take a pee-break and drop by Project Ornithopter, an aircraft designed to derive its chief support and propulsion from flapping wings http://www.ornithopter.net/.

And for those winged winos out there, why not try a rich Riesling such as Lingelfelder 2003 Riesling "Bird Label" http://www.lingenfelder.com/creatures/bird-label.htm

Saturday, February 18, 2006


Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

For a good life: work like a dog. Eat like a horse. Think like a fox. And play like a rabbit.

Attributed to: George Allan (1922-1990), U.S. football coach in The Book of Football Wisdom edited by Criswell Freeman, 1996.


Of course if working like a dog doesn't really turn your crank, try these pooch pet toys on for size.

Friday, February 17, 2006


Or, more about blank looks and blank books

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., Professor of Patently Piffling Pages at the rumbustically-renowned College of Crock & Cutting Corners, conveniently situated betwixt and between Little Snoring (in Norfolk) and Frisby-on-the-Wreake (in Leicester).

A cursory review of our college library shelves reveals a remarkable shortage of throne-room reading material suitable for closet clodhoppers, loquacious loons and a broad assortment of nimble nitwits.

At the request of George Hopton-Wafers, Dean-of-Do-This-Do-That, the Curriculum Committee of Quaint Inquiries recently racked up an incredible record of 455 hours devoted to 103 completely unnecessary inter-departmental meetings held to shoot the breeze eruditely among five hot-air enthusiasts, three book-worms and one wind-bag concerning what new titles should be purchased for the library.

To make a long story short, the committee put forward 142 recommendations on ways to enhance the reading and comprehension level of plodding page-turners, (who for the most part have been mired in mundane if not entirely mind-boggling tasks such as how to avoid those excruciatingly blank looks appearing on the faces of some poor plebes during a blind date going nowhere fast, and more importantly, how to master the art of writing something scathingly polite yet quite anonymous on the customer satisfaction card courteously left behind by a haughty hostess after being served a particularly unappetizing meal of haggis, tripe, and pickled pigs toes seasoned with wimpy cucumbers and a rather large dollop of something that ressembled a nuked slice of ancient cheddar cheese).

Cutting to the chase, here are a dozen ditties that our fine fettled faculty agreed upon to place in the nooks and crannies of our esteemed “Library of Odds & Sods Plus A Few Loose Ends” (better known as the “The Little Loo”):

  • Anything Book, Classic Executive Series (Black).
  • Empty Cell Phone Book (Hardcover).
  • Empty Pages of a Dead Book & The Passion of Chen Y. (Kung Fu Collector’s Edition).
  • Empty to Full: Full to Empty by Harriet Ziefert & Susan Baum.
  • Eng. Heritage – Empty Pocket Books (Author unknown).
  • Living Books: Empty Floor (Display sample only.)
  • Nothingness: The Science of Empty Space by Henning Genz & Karin Heusch.
  • Paradise City (The Big Empty, Book 2) by J.B. Stephens.
  • Rain Sploosh: An Empty Book by Merilyn Read.
  • The Blank Book (A Series of Unfortunate Eevents Journal) by Lemony Snicket & Brett Helquist.
  • Thoughts, a bland book by Flavia.
  • The Empty Book: A Novel by Josephina Vicens and David Lauer.


The following three riveting cliff-hangers failed to make the cut:

A Beginner’s Guide to Mute Music by Grimbister Skoonspruit, (features an obscure selection of noiseless nocturnes performed by a strident symphonic orchestra full of windless instruments supported by a silent if not sullen string section whom most audience members probably can't quite grasp or appreciate due to their somnambulent state of awareness).

How to Leap to Conclusions in 15 Seconds or Less by Nether Poppleton, (an easy-to-read primer for those with incredibly short-attention spans and a sharp pencil with which to doodle in the margins of this 225-page tome filled with undeniably enigmatically blank hints).

What Did That? A Driver’s Guide to Gunk & Guano of North America by Adrian Moxibustion, (a flattened fauna and flying fertilizer analyst whose repository of fowl research has spawned a brand new genre of urban art aptly referred to as, “Super Splat”).

For those interested in learning more about dolts, dingbats, and dunderheads, do pick up a copy of Steve Allen’s masterpiece, Dumbth: The Lost Art of Thinking With 101 Ways to Improve your Mind. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1573922374/sr=8-1/qid=1140188945/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-7474281-7746440?%5Fencoding=UTF8

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Or, is ennui part of thee?

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Pathetic Prose & Poetry at the widely acclaimed University of Uninspiring Utopia, situated in downtown Camel Hump, Wyoming.

For the past 15 years, leading academics around the globe have focused their attention upon an emerging crisis in the human condition, namely the growing incidence of taedium vitae or the more popular term “ennui”.

Being a connoisseur of all things dazzlingly dull, deliriously deadpan, or just plain pathetic has given me a new perspective on how to pursue the boundless and bountiful opportunities afforded by boredom.

A bore, according to one American writer by the name of Ambrose Bierce[1], is “A person who talks when you wish him to listen.” And in the words of an illustrious leader of the Free-World, George W. Bush, Sr., “What’s wrong with being a boring kind of guy?”[2]

Here are some stunning statistics designed to mesmerize the mind of monotonous types. The gargantuan Google search-engine lists:

  • 8,580,000 web pages devoted to the topic of “boredom”,
  • 181,000 pages identify the characteristics of “boring people”,
  • 17,300 pages highlight “boring places” to live or visit, and
  • 16,000 pages provide all manner of stuff and such about “boring products”.

Speaking of “boring places” to visit, here is a little list of doldrums destinations that will keep those baby-boomer fifth-wheelers busy for the next few years:

  1. Bobo (Alabama)
  2. Unalaska (Alaska)
  3. Turkey Scratch (Arkansas)
  4. Nothing (Arizona)
  5. Booneville (California)
  6. No Name (Colorado)
  7. Moosup (Connecticut)
  8. Hourglass (Deleware)
  9. Sopchoppy (Florida)
  10. Between (Georgia)
  11. Papa (Hawaii)
  12. Beer Bottle Crossing (Idaho)
  13. Kickapoo (Illinois)
  14. Beanblossom (Indiana)
  15. Diagonal (Iowa)
  16. Plainville (Kansas)
  17. Lick Fork (Kentucky)
  18. Zylks (Louisana)
  19. Beans Corner Bingo (Maine)
  20. Boring (Maryland)
  21. Cow Yard (Massachusetts)
  22. Podunk (Michigan)
  23. Nimrod (Minnesota)
  24. SoSo (Mississippi)
  25. Knob Lick (Missouri)
  26. Two-dot (Montana)
  27. Worms (Nebraska)
  28. Pahrump (Nevada)
  29. Bungy (New Hampshire)
  30. Succasunna (New Jersey)
  31. Weed (New Mexico)
  32. Cat Elbow Corner (New York)
  33. Boogertown (North Carolina)
  34. Horace (North Dakota)
  35. Slapout (Oklahoma)
  36. Hicksville (Ohio)
  37. Boring (Oregon)
  38. Drab (Pennsylvania)
  39. Mooseup Valley (Rhode Island)
  40. Round O (South Carolina)
  41. Peever (South Dakota)
  42. Nameless (Tennessee)
  43. Ding Dong (Texas)
  44. Plain City (Utah)
  45. Notown (Vermont)
  46. Ordinary (Virginia)
  47. Zillah (Washington)
  48. Looneyville (West Virginia)
  49. Footville (Wisconsin)
  50. Bill (Wyoming)

For a quick relief from “boredom”, I highly recommend a vicarious visit to the following picayune places on the net. Besides, it’s a whole lot better than wiggling your ears all day long, complaining about the nextdoor neighbor's dog lifting his leg on your petunia plants, or belittling breakthrough discoveries like how to thonk, thwack or thrunch a conundrum quietly in your cubicle.

Without further ado, here are some grand things to lighten your Lilliputian life!

  • For those who can’t get enough apathy in their lives, there’s always another delightful demotivating product waiting to be chosen to sit on your wall, desktop, or door.

  • Those with itchy feet and fidgeting fingers will find relief by picking up a gorgeous giggle gadget like a portable pet tree that fits in your pocket.

[1] Ambrose Bierce, (1842–1914), definition of a bore; Cynic’s World Book (1906).

[2] George W. Bush Sr., (1924- ) during the campaign for the Republican nomination; in the Daily Telegraph, 28 April 1998.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Or, who's rolling out the red carpet for Romeo?

Theolonius McTavish, an itinerant raucous-rouser, who's known to frequent quiet cubbyholes in libraries, empty pews in the back of downtown cathedrals, and vacant bar stools on a slow Saturday night.

The burning question, especially on St. Valentine's Day, is where do Cupid, Casanova, Romeo and Dermot-of-the-Love-Spot go for a night off?

The fact of the matter is that these chaps take their work quite seriously.

Who else do you know who earns their living by having to shoot bows and arrows into unsuspecting folks all day long?

Who do you think has the time these days to quote love sonnets to death just to court a little cutie-pie, not to mention having to save damsels-in-distress or pacify drama-queens 24/7?

And just in case you're wondering, who else would dare to toss their togs (freshly back from the drycleaners) into mirky puddles ...so LOLs don't get their feet wet?

What does a professional paramour have to do to find a bit of rest and relaxation from the toils and tribulations of match-making or ministering to the lovelorn and lost-souls of the world?

A quick glance at the map of Canada suggests that their best opportunity for some incognito night life might be found in these off-the-beaten track tourist towns:

  • Chin, Driftpile or Manyberries (Alberta)
  • Spuzzum, Yahk or Youbou (British Columbia)
  • Finger, Flin Flon or Nonsuch (Manitoba)
  • Five Fingers, Poodiac or Utopia Lake (New Brunswick)
  • Jerry's Nose, Little Seldom or St. John's Without (Newfoundland)
  • Ecum Seecum, Mushaboom or Whycocomagh (Nova Scotia)
  • Belcher Islands or Zigzag Island (Nunavut)
  • Nottawa, Punkydoodles Corners, Zero (Ontario)
  • Crapaud, Ebenezer or Uigg (Prince Edward Island)
  • Old Harry, Yarm or Zip Lake (Quebec)
  • Elbow, Eyebrow or Knee Lake (Saskatchewan)
  • Flat Top, Snafu Creek or Snag (Yukon Territories)

Of course the aforementioned dazzling destinations might be just a tad too tranquil for the likes of our love-toothed, liplaboured lollygaggers. So it's highly likely that they'll trip off south of the border to those torridly-inspired tourist towns such as:

-- Aimwell, Intercourse or Rooster (Alabama)
-- Boob Creek, Mary's Igloo or Tatitlik (Alaska)
-- Bumblebee, Carefree, Strong, Surprise or Winkleman (Arizona)
-- Beaver, Experiment, Fannie, Flippin, Okay, Romance, Smackover or Strawberry (Arkansas)
-- Bumblebee, Cool, Hallelujah Junction, Hooker, Relief, Rough and Ready or Youbet (California)
-- Climax (this place is found in Colorado, Georgia, Michigan, Minnesota, New York, North Carolina, Ohio and Pennsylvania)
-- Bonanza, Crested Butte, Last Chance or Lay (Colorado)
-- Moodus, Gaylordsville or Mianus (Connecticut)
-- Blue Ball, Cocked Hat or Little Heaven (Deleware)
-- Celebration, Okahumpa, Howey-in-the-Hills, Kissimee, Red Head, Weeki Wachee or Yeehaw Junction (Florida)
-- Butts, Cumming, Ideal, Hopeulikit or Snapfinger (Georgia)
-- Fruitland, Good Grief or Star (Idaho)
-- Chestnut, Paw Paw or Red Dick (Illinois)
-- Beaver City, Bee Hunter or Naked City (Indiana)
-- What Cheer or Tingley (Iowa)
-- Beaver or Smileyberg (Kansas)
-- Beaver Lick, Love, Maggie's Bottom, Paint Lick or Ready (Kentucky)
-- Eros, Goodbee or Vixen (Louisiana)
-- Assawoman Bay, Cockekysville or Hollywood (Maryland)
-- Dorothy Pond or Cummaquid (Massachusetts)
-- Eden, Jugville, King Arthur's Court, Nirvana or Paradise (Michigan)
-- Fertile, Nowthen or Sleepy Eye (Minnesota)
-- Darling, Eden, It or Knob Lick (Mississippi)
-- Conception, Licking, Novelty, Romance or Success (Missouri)
-- Eureka, Happy's Inn, Opportunity, Hungry Horse or Sweetgrass (Montana)
-- Surprise, Valentine or Wahoo (Nebraska)
-- Jackpot or Pahrump (Nevada)
-- Grape Corner or Lost Nation (New Hampshire)
-- Buttsville, Cheesequake, Cherry Hill, Cologne, Double-Trouble, Good Intent, Ho-ho Kus, Little Egg Harbor, Love Ladies or Surf City (New Jersey)
-- Elephant Butte, Tingle, Truth or Consquences (New Mexico)
-- Busti, Coxsackie, Peekskill, Result or Surprise (New York)
-- Big Lick, Bunlevel, Deep Gap, Hornytown, Meat Camp, Welcome or Whynot (North Carolina)
-- Can Do, Hoople or Zap (North Dakota)
-- Blue Ball, Fly, Friendship, Round Bottom or Tobasco (Ohio)
-- Big Butte, Cookietown, Happy Land, Hooker or Okay (Oklahoma)
-- Beaver, Eureka or Wankers Corner (Oregon)
-- Balltown, Big Beaver, Bird-in-Hand, Blue Ball, Fear Not, Gobbler's Knob, Jugtown, Intercourse, Nanty Glo, New Beaver, Paradise, Peach Bottom or Virginville (Pennsylvania)
-- Woonsocket (Rhode Island)
-- Ninetimes, Sugar Tit or Welcome (South Carolina)
-- Eaglebutte, Fruitdale, Gayville, Ideal or Oral (South Dakota)
-- Big Lick, Nutbush, Lovelady, Paris, Sweet Lips or Yum Yum (Tennessee)
-- Best, Comfort, Dripping Springs, Happy, Hoop and Holler, Lollipop, Lolita, Love Lady, Pep, Progress, Rosebud, Sugar Land, Sweetwater, Tarzan, Tigertown, Trophy Club, Valentine, Veribest or Wink (Texas)
-- Eureka, Bald Knob or Paradise (Utah)
-- Ballsville, Eureka, Goochland, Goosepimple Junction, Needmore, Peach Bottom or Threeway (Virginia)
-- Humptulips, Kooskooskie, La Push, Nooksack or Tiger (Washington)
-- Beaver, Caress, Frazier's Bottom, Friendly, HooHoo, Paw, Pinch or Quick (West Virginia)
-- Bingo, Bloomer, Dickeyville, Gay Mills, Spread Eagle, Sugar Bush or Ubet (Wisconsin)
-- Meeteetse (Wyoming)

Judging from the long list of solicitous spots, it appears that opportunity knocks best in the pleasure palaces of Arkansas, California, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Texas and Wisconsin.

So keep your eyes peeled, your ears open, and your doors locked (as the case may be), because you never know when this flaming fouresome may drop into your town for a wee peek!


And if you really must confirm the existence of these odd little places, please feel to check them out on Mapquest.com http://www.mapquest.com

Monday, February 13, 2006


Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

February 14th - to gals ...it's all about wagging tails, rubbing noses and fur flying; to guys ...it's all about staying out of the doghouse!

Attributed to: Anonymous


And speaking of doghouses, if you you're looking for a comfy one to camp out in for a few days til the storm blows over, try Premier Pet Beds

Sunday, February 12, 2006


Or, varium et mutabile semper femina

By Theolonius McTavish, a vitamin B complex man whose roots lie somewhere between a clan of verbose vodka-martini swigging Visigoths and a band of vino-quaffing visiting firemen.

Varium et mutabile semper femina! Woman is ever a fickle and changeable thing, so say those Latin lovers! And this is put to the test every "Valentine's Day"!!

No time waste! Break out those blessed bows and arrows! Get those Cupids and Casanovas off the couch and into a cavorting-mode! And last but not least, toss those vittles aside and invite a few Vamps or Vixens to ride on the wild side!

Speaking of alluring things, exactly what did you have in mind to present to your paramour on this "Don Juan & Delilah Day"?

If flowers and chocolates don’t cut the mustard any more, and sweet nothings have not found the right ear yet … maybe it’s time to try something different to woo your swain or sweetheart!

Here are a few frivolous items to impress those fancy-pants folks:

  • Are you ready to swoon with a tune that will make the heart of your sweetums go pitty pat, pitty pat? C'mon lover, it's never too late to learn the lyrics to My Funny Valentine, (or if you can't croon...at least try lip-sync-ing!)

And, for a little class in a glass, why not try these tried-and-true tipplers' delights:

  • Cardinal Zin or SinZin, (from Alexander Valley, California)
  • Cleavage Creek Secret Reserve, (from Cleavage Creek California naturally!)
  • Kissed, (from Summerhill Pyramid Winery in B.C., Canada)
  • Love My Goat, (from Bully Hill Winery in the USA)
  • Marilyn Merlot, (from the USA where else!)
  • Naked Grape (Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Merlot and Shiraz from B.C., Canada)
  • Old Tart, Old Git & Old Fart, (from d'Oc, France, the home of passionate love & life!)
  • Rude Boy Chardonnay, (would you believe this one comes from Desmond Tutu's homeland?)
  • Rude Girl Shiraz, (this vixen comes from a very warm spot on the tip of Africa)
  • The Full Monte, (from the voluptuous vineyards of Pulciano, Italy

Not to be forgotten of course are those love-inspired libations from the Land DownUnder:

  • Bare Bottom Hills, Blown Away Wineries
  • Bee's Knees, Rymill Winery
  • Casanova's Storm, Robert Channon Wines
  • Devil's Corner, Tamar Ridge Wines
  • Devil's Elbow, Longview Vineyard
  • Devil's Lair, Southcorp Wines
  • Exotica, Palmara Vineyard
  • First Blush, Steinborner Family Vineyards
  • For Love or Money, Two Hands Wines
  • Goddess, Mundrakoona Estate, Artemis Wines
  • Golden Queen, Catspaw Farm
  • Head Over Heels, Berton Vineyards
  • Humpers, Thom's Waterhold Wines Pty. Ltd.
  • Indulge, Chatsfield mt. Barker Wines
  • Jack of Hearts, Paternoster Wines
  • Kissing Bridge, Cheviot Bridge
  • Little Boomey, Cabonne
  • Lover's Hill, Avenel Park Vineyards
  • Lucky Bastard, Samson Hill Estate
  • Lust, Wicked Wines!
  • Menage a Trois, Hugh Hamilton Wines
  • Merlin Rouge, Knights Eurunderee Winery
  • Mermaids, Hewitson
  • Naked Grape and Naked Wine, Smithbrook
  • Navel, Tintella Estate
  • Nooky Delight, Woody Nook
  • Over the Top, Pertaringa Wines & Geoff Hardy Wines
  • Paradise Enough, Wedgetail Estate
  • Phantasy, Lyre Bird Hill Winery & Guest House
  • Phil's Fetish, Bellarine Estate Vineyards
  • Pretty in Pink, Stevens Brook Estate
  • Promised Land, Taylors Wines
  • Racy Rose, Bremerton Wines
  • Rascal's Prayer, Beelgara Estate
  • Red Mistress, Molly Morgan Vineyard
  • Red Nipper, BlueManna
  • Rhapsody, Mt. Avoca Vineyard
  • Romeo, T'Gallant Winemakers
  • Sackville Tawny, Tizzara Winery
  • Scarlet, Logan Wines
  • Seduction, Dulcinea Wines
  • Sparkle Arse, Hidden River Estate
  • Swagman's Kiss, Clairault Wines
  • Sweet Sophie's, Lucy's Run
  • Tete a Tete, Australian wine Brands Pty. Ltd.
  • The Isolde, Brangayne of Orange
  • The Madam, High Hamilton Wines
  • The Prospect, Hanging Rock Winery
  • The Rogue, Nepenthe Wines
  • The Scallywag, Hugh Hamilton Wines
  • The Scoundrel, Hugh Hamilton Wines
  • The Sticky One, Norse Wines
  • The Tristan, Brangayane of Orange
  • The Trickster, Hugh Hamilton Wines
  • The Wolf, Two Hands Wines
  • Tiger, Tathra
  • Tigress, Hardy Wine Co.
  • Triangle, Bidgeebong Winery - Gundagi (Wagga Wagga)
  • Tryst, Nepenthe Wines
  • Two Thumbs, Pepperton Estate
  • Veteran, Penny's Hill
  • Virtuoso, Grant Burge Wines
  • Vixen, Fox Creek Wines
  • Wicked Wines, Stanley Wine Co.
  • Where's Molly, Maxwell Wines
  • Wild Card, Peter Lehmann Wines
  • Wild Soul, Wild Dog Winery
  • Xanadu, Xanadu Normans Wine Group - Adelaide Hills

To top it all off, ...don't forget to serve a sweet schmoozer like French Kiss (Vanilla Schnapps Liqueur) ... it's likely your Valentine or Valentino will never be the same again!


For those who can't get enough of the Don Juan story -- try this one one for size: http://www.clevelandopera.org/tour/educational/dongiov/donjuan.html

And for those marvellous movie buffs out there, they may want to rent a copy of this 1950 cinematography classic, "Samson & Delilah", http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/6300216012/002-7474281-7746440?v=glance

Those in need of a nifty wee novelty piece should take a peek at this Bunny Girl Legs wine stopper made by the feisty folks at "Bottom's Up"! http://www.wineenthusiast.com/E/details.asp?Ep=An/0//A/17909&uid=338495B1%2D2109%2D43EC%2DBEBE%2D87A6F7B429FC

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

Baughurst (n.) That kind of large fierce ugly woman who owns a small fierce ugly dog.

Attributed to: Douglas Adams & John Lloyd, The Deeper Meaning of Liff - A Dictionary of Things that there Aren't Any Words For Yet. Macmillan Publishers Ltd., England. 1992. p. 10.


Speaking of small fierce ugly dogs, here's one example of a feisty ferocious fluffy! http://ejenkins.backspark.com/fluffy.jpg

For those with a fascination for far-flung factoids about a "small ugly dog", Google lists 644 web pages devoted to this tail end topic.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

"I am His Highness' dog at Kew;

Pray tell me sir, whose dog are you?

Attributed to: Alexander Pope (1688-1744), English poet.


NOTE: This quotation appeared on the collar of a dog given to Frederick, Prince of Wales.

Royal dog watchers will be pleased to know that someone is keeping an eye on these famous four-legged creatures. See Margaret Weatherford's article on majestic mutts and their monarchical masters at: http://www.etoile.co.uk/Columns/Margaret/051204.html

Monday, February 06, 2006


Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

"Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy. But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it. That's what is known as maturity."

Attributed to: Snoopy, a bouncy beagle character from the cartoon strip "Peanuts" (created by American cartoonist, Charles M. Schultz, 1922 - 2000).


For more info on Snoopy, take a trip over to http://www.snoopy.com/comics/peanuts/meet_the_gang/meet_snoopy.html.

Sunday, February 05, 2006


Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on
us. Pigs treat us as equals."

Attributed to: Winston Churchill (1874-1965, British statesman and author) by M. Gilbert in Never Despair (1988).


FUR FOR THOUGHT: If you're wondering whether a four-legged friendship is right for you, or how to pick the right pooch, take my advice, you'll never go wrong if you avoid perloining, procuring or purchasing a 'pig-in-a-poke'!

By the way, you'll find all you ever wanted to know about canine critters at http://www.answers.com/topic/dog

And for those who can't get enough pork chops in their diet ... why not pick up a copy of George Carlin's blithe bit of bumpf entitled: "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops" http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1401301347/sr=1-2/qid=1139238941/ref=pd_bbs_2/002-7474281-7746440?%5Fencoding=UTF8 or perhaps "This Little Piggy Stayed Home: A Pearls Before Swine Collection" and "Sgt. Piggy's Lonely Hearts Club Comic: A Pearls Before Swine Collection" by Stephan Pastis - See: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0740748076/ref=pd_cpt_gw_1/002-7474281-7746440?n=283155

Saturday, February 04, 2006


Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

"When invited for a weekend in the country, remember to bring a rubber ball. Bounce it for the child; throw it for the dog."

Author: Lewis Lampham (Editor of Harper's Magazine).


Not sure which type of blinking ball to buy, then visit "Dog Toys"! http://www.dogtoys.com

Friday, February 03, 2006


Or, how to recycle random leftovers from books in one's little loo libary.

Ovid Publius Hadweenizic, Ph.D., Professor of Paltry Prose at the University of Undeniably Unassuming, Uniquely Unheard-Of, Utterly Unobtrusive if Not Highly Under-Rated and Unnecessary Studies.

The object of today’s assignment is to string together sentences shanghaied from a set of saucy stories to create a totally different tale of tacky twaddle.

Like all good fairytales, our story begins with a humble heroine named Polly.

By all accounts, she was “a curiously modern and what would be called ‘neurotic’ type – willful, restless, passionate, but full of feminine fascination.”[i]

Known to her friends as ‘Happy Harpy’, this wonder-wench was often “struck-comickil – rendered speechless or bewildered by surprise or terror” in certain social situations.[ii]

If truth be told, rogue volatiles and unacceptable noises seemed to emanate effortlessly from this rather shame-faced sylph with a sensitive sphincter.

As one eminent individual noted, fear of freeping in public “takes the charm from one’s personality…it kills love and assassinates the finer emotions of the heart, discourages friendship and invites disaster in a hundred forms, leads to sleeplessness, misery and unhappiness”.[iii]

“It is not difficult to imagine a person having a fear of farting. Indeed, the cultural strictures of our society make such a fear almost obligatory. But that such a fear can become obsessive was amply demonstrated in a case reported by psychologists Michael A. Milan and David J. Kolko of Georgia State University.”[iv]

So exactly how did these academics undertake their ground-breaking research on worrisome ‘wayward winds’? According to the Journal of Hot Air Affairs, it seems “the two sybaritic septuagenarians stripped down to their Strumpfhosen and sank into the sumptuous (but waterless) tub – well, the young puppy of a clerk didn’t know whether to avert his gaze or climb in with them, just to clinch the sale.”[v]

Further delving into the phenomenon of the flutterblast or fundus-break mystique reveals that “paranoia can find a home where wise intuition once resided, and a woman might begin to intuit too big a deal out of a little thing. She could misinterpret another’s unfamiliar cultural cues or individual quirks and mistakenly take things personally. Or she could read a person right, but misinterpret wrong – e.g., read a person’s negativity as a bad reaction to a presentation, when it could just be a bad reaction to lunch.”[vi]

’Tenderis! You breedbate! You’ve knocked me over!’” cried Polly Ester, struggling to raise herself up and rearrange her clothing. ‘You sang such a sweet liripoop. Why did you have to spoil it with a mulwine?’”[vii]

If this sad story is leaving you somewhat bemused if not altogether bemoaned, “Good luck to you. There is an awful lot of stuff you don’t know anything about, but you are not alone in this. It’s just that in your case the consequences of not knowing any of this stuff are particularly terrible, but then, hey, that’s just the way the cookie gets completely stomped on and obliterated.”[viii]

“To quote a chapter heading from the Army Corps of Engineers’ publication Wetland Plants of the Pacific Northwest: ‘Wetland Identification Complexities: Life is not Simple.’”[ix]

And not to put too fine a point on it, although life may be complicated, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, and smiling at yourself in the mirror every morning makes you look damn good!

So, when all is said and done, never forget: “The first impression is also the last impression, which is why it is important to always wear clean shoes. You don’t wish to be remembered as the stain on the rug.”[x]


[i] Rolleston, Thomas. Myths & Legends of The Celts. Senate Press Limited: United Kingdom, 1998. Page 300.

[ii]Kacirk, Jeffrey. The Word Museum – The Most Remarkable English Words Ever Forgotten. Simon & Schuster: Toronto, 2000. Page 185.

[iii] Hill, Napoleon. Think & Grow Rich. Ballantine Books: United States, 1993. Pages 224-225.

[iv] Scott, Munroe. A Sympathetic Overview of the Common fart – Oh, Vulgar Wind. Culture Concepts: Toronto, 1994. Page 96.

[v] Gordon, Karen Elizabeth. The Disheveled Dictionary - A Curious Caper Through Our Sumptuous Lexicon. Houghton Mifflin Company: New York, 1997. Page 131.

[vi] Salmansohn, Karen. How to Succeed in Business Without a Penis – Secrets and Strategies for the Working Woman. Three Rivers Press: New York, 1996. Page 269.

[vii] Sperling, Susan Kelz. Poplollies and Bellibones – A Celebration of Lost Words. Penguin Books: Canada, 1977. Page 63.

[viii] Adams, Douglas. Mostly Harmless: The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Part Five. William Heinemann Ltd.: Toronto, 1992. Page 63.

[ix] Mayer, Kathleen. How to Shit in the Woods, An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art. Ten Speed Press: Berkley, California, 1994. Page 36.

[x] Lapham, Lewis. Lapham’s Rules of Influence – A Careerist’s Guide To Success, Status, and Self-Congratulation. Random House: New York, 1999. Page 5.


A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the

Author: Anonymous.


For motivational mutt masterpieces and pooch posters ...take a gander at http://www.ultimutt.com

Thursday, February 02, 2006


A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside a dog, it's too dark to read."

Author: Groucho Marx (American Comedian).


Speaking of strange stuff, if you're interested in cosmic canine advice, then toddle on over to this amazing astrological place: http://www.doghoroscopes.com


Or, Seductive Sipping 101 on Valentine's Day

By Theolonius McTavish, a hunt-the-whistle sort of fellow, who has an insatiable appetite for verbivororous meals, long-winded coffee breaks, and holus-bolus use of old, peculiar, and unusual words that have been long-forgotten by nearly everyone.

Valentine’s Day is one of those highly over-rated occasions that I’d just as soon ignore. However, it’s difficult to avoid a brush with Cupid when retailers keep hustling lovey-dovey lingerie, sentimental sweet-nothings, not to mention chocolate cherubs in your face.

So, if you’re like me, you’ll probably settle for a catchy canoodling card designed to impress the panties off your magnificent minnock, (polite term for 'main-squeeze'). Hopefully, she's not suffering from a bout of the mubblefubbles or mulligrubs, (what we now refer to as 'PMS').

For the latter ailment, I recommend acquiring a little lovedrury (a token of affection) -- something with pots of panache and pizzazz, complemented by oodles of pomp and circumstance. No ...I'm not talking about lingerie, lip-stick or a lovely pair of gold cuff-links.

The only thing in my view that is worth a beloved's bill is a bottle of the best bubbly or a "boudoir of the grape". You know ...one of those voluptuous vinos not unlike a certain "cheeky", "earthy", "full-bodied", "fruity", "robust", "sunny", "smooth", "supple" and "velvety" vamp or "valiant" venturer you know!

According to researchers at Glasgow University, if one consumes two glasses of wine, members of the opposite sex appear more attractive about twenty-five percent. No wonder they say that after a few glasses of grape, "love is blind"!

Here’s a lusty list of little libations for your perky palate to enjoy. (Judging from some of the lascivious labels found below, it would appear that a good many Lords of Lustihood live in America or the land ‘Down Under’!)

Absent Friends, peacock Hill Vineyard (Australia)
Angelic White, Pieter van Gent Winery (Australia)
Angel’s Share, Two Hands Wine (Australia)

Back Pocket, Backpocket Wines (Australia)
Bad Impersonator, Two Hands Wine (Australia)
Ballerina Canopy, Gapsted Wines (Australia)
Bare Bottom Hills, Blown Away (Australia)
Barefoot Bubbly (U.S.A.)
Barefoot on the Beach (U.S.A.)
Bastard Hill, Yarra Burn, Hardy Wine Co. (Australia)
Bee’s Knees, Rymill (Australia)
Bidgeebong, Bidgeebong Wines (Australia)
Big Ass (U.S.A.)
Big Fat & Gutsy, Arakoon Wines (Australia)
Big Ben in Tights, Bloodwood Wines (Australia)
Big Hat, Shelton Wines (Australia)
Bird in Hand, Bird in Hand Winery (Australia)
Bluebutt – Alkoomi Wines (Australia)
Blue Nose (U.S.A.)
Blue Tongue – O’Reilly’s Wines (Australia)
Bogieman, Bogieman Wines (Australia)
Bong Bong, Centennial Vineyards (Australia)
Brilliant Disguise, Two Hands Wines (Australia)
Brave Faces, Two Hands Wines (Australia)
Broomstick, Broomstick Estate (Australia)

Camelot California (U.S.A.)
Casanova’s Storm, Robert Channon Wines (Australia)
Cool Goose, Jarretts of Orange (Australia)

Dark Side of the Moon, Claymore Wines (Australia)
Darling, Darlington Estate Wines (Australia)
Darling Park, Darling Park Wines (Australia)
Devil’s Lair, South Corp. Wines (Australia)
Diva, Chain of Ponds Wines-Adelaide Hills (Australia)
Dr. Red, Mt. Nebo Vineyard Retreat (Australia)
Dry Bore, Glen Eldon Wines (Australia)
Duet, Fox Creek Wines (Australia)
Dulcinea, Dulcinea Wines (Australia)

Ebenezer, Barossa Valley Estate (Australia)
Ebony & Ivory, Deep Woods Estate (Australia)
Elsewhere & Elsewhere Footcrush, Elsewhere Vineyard (Australia)
Epiphany, Barossa Valley Estate (Australia)
Exotica, Palmara Vineyard (Australia)
Exultation, Lark Hill Wine (Australia)

Fat Bastard (France)
Fair Lady, Molly Morgan Vineyard (Australia)
Fifth Leg, Devil’s Lair, South Corp. (Australia)
Finger & Thumb, Jarretts of Orange (Australia)
First Blush, Steinborner Family Vineyards (Australia)
Fizz, Michelini Wines (Australia)
Flagship, Rosemount Estate Wines (Australia)
For Love or Money, Two Hands Wines (Australia)
Full-Sister, Stanley Lambert Wines (Australia)
Fun Dog, Wild Dog Winery (Australia)

Gentleman’s Claret, Sharpe Wines of Orange (Australia)
Giant Steps, Peppers Creek (Australia)
Glamour Puss, Coopers Creek (New Zealand)
Goats Do Roam, (South Africa)
Goddess, Mundrakoona Estate, Artemis Wines (Australia)
Golden Queen, Catspaw Farm (Australia)
Goldies, Granite Ridge Wines (Australia)
Gramps, Orlando Wyndham Group (Australia)

Handpicked, Cabonne (Australia)
Hanging Loose Aloha Rita (U.S.A.)
Harlequin, Brockenwood Cricket Pitch Wines (Australia)
Harmony, Somerset Hill Wines (Australia)
Havelock Hill, Sorrenberg Vineyard (Australia)
Hazard Hill, Plantagenet Wines (Australia)
Headover Heels, Berton Vineyards (Australia)
Hidden Valley Agenda (South Africa)
Hill of Grace, Henschke-Eden Valley (Australia)
Hill of Promise, Hill of Promise Estate (Australia)
Hills of Plenty, Hills of Plenty (Australia)
Hippo Beach, Lazy River Estate (Australia)
Hocus Pocus, Rosabrook (Australia)
Humpers, Tom’s Waterhole Wines Pty. Ltd. (Australia)

Il Bastardo (Italy)
Iron Knob, Longview Vineyard (Australia)
Indra, Lethbridge Wines (Australia)
Ingenue, Castagna (Australia)
Ivanhoe, Ivanhoe Wines (Australia)

Jack of Hearts, Paternoster Wines (Australia)
Jester, Mitolo Wines Australia Pty. Ltd. (Australia)
Jezebel, Cabonne (Australia)
Just Ducky Blush (Canada)

Kama Sutra Wines, (Australia)
Kanga’s Leap, Riverina Estate (Australia)
Kissing Bridge, Cheviot Bridge (Australia)

Lady in Red Blush (Canada)
La Mancha, Dulcinea Wines (Australia)
Lalla Rookh, Cariole Vineyards (Australia)
Left Field, Clovely Estate (Australia)
LeSnoot, Snob Hill Winery (U.S.A.)
Liparita (U.S.A.)
Lillypilly, Lillypilly Estate Wines (Australia)
Liquid Asset, Geoff Merrill Wines (Australia)
Little Boomey, Cabonne (Australia)
Loose End, Gibson Barossa Vale Wines (Australia)
Lotusland (Canada)
Lover’s Hill, Avenel Park Vineyard (Australia)
Lucky Bastard, Samson Hill Estate (Australia)
Lust, Wicked Wines (Australia)
Luxuriance, Hickinbotham (Australia)

Mad Housewife Merlot, Rainer (U.S.A.)
Marge n’ Tina (Argentina)
Magnus Maximus, Mount Eliza Estate (Australia)
Marilyn Merlot (U.S.A.)
Matador, Pieter van Gent Winery & Vineyard (Australia)
Ménage-à-Trois, Hugh Hamilton Wines (Australia)
Merlin Rouge, Knights Eurunderee Winery (Australia)
Mermaids, Hewitson (Australia)
Mia’s Playground (U.S.A.)
Milly Milly, Jarrah Ridge Winery (Australia)
Moothi Mud, CountyView (Australia)
Muscat a Pink, Happs (Australia)
Mustang Sally, Stanley Lambert Wines (Australia)

Naked Grape, Smithbrook (Australia)
Naked Wine, Naked Wine (Australia)
Nappers, Banrock Station, Hardy Wine Co. (Australia)
Navel, Tintella Estate (Australia)
Nellie’s Nest, Poolery Wines (Australia)
New Eden, New Eden Vineyard (Australia)
Noble One, De Bortoli-Riverina (Australia)
Noble Rot Select Pick, Snowy Rivery Winery (Australia)
Nooky Delight, Woody Nook (Australia)
Notorious (Italy)

Obsession (U.S.A.)
Old Bastard, Kaesler Wines (Australia)
Old Codger, Dutschke Wines (Australia)
Old Fart (France)
Old Papa Port, Chateau Barossa (Australia)
Over the Top, Pertaringa Wines & Geoff Hardy Wines (Australia)

Par 3, Wedgetail Estate (Australia)
Paradise Enough, Paradise Enough Wines (Australia)
Passion Peach (Canada)
Peel Ridge, Peel Ridge Wines (Australia)
Perfect Day, Sirromet Wines (Australia)
Phantasy, Lyre Bird Hill Winery (Australia)
Phil’s Fetish, Bellarine Estate Vineyards (Australia)
Picnic Train, Bochara Wines (Australia)
Pretty in Pink, Stevens Brook Estate (Australia)
Promised Land, Taylors Wines (Australia)

Quintessa (U.S.A.)

Racy Rosé, Bremerton Wines (Australia)
Rascal’s Prayer, Beelgara Estate (Australia)
Red Mistress, Molly Morgan Vineyard (Australia)
Red Nipper, BlueManna (Australia)
Red Spot, Penny’s Hill (Australia)
Red Velvet, Lillpilly Estate Wines (Australia)
Romeo, T’Gallant Winemakers (Australia)

Sackville Tawny, Tizzana Winery (Australia)
Scarlet, Logan Wines (Australia)
Screw Kappa Nappa, Don Sebastiani & Sons (U.S.A.)
Secret Garden, Secret Garden Wines (Australia)
Seduction, Dulcinea Wines, (Australia)
Seven Deadly Zins, Michael David Winery (U.S.A.)
Sir Walter’s Secret Raleigh, Raleigh Vineyard & Wines (Australia)
Six Foot Six (Australia)
Size, Kellermeister Holdings (Australia)
Snobs, Snobs Creek Estate Wine (Australia)
Softly, The Silos (Australia)
Sparkle Arse, Hidden River Estate (Australia)
Splash, The Vineyards Estate (Australia)
SpRed, Australian Wine Brands Pty. Ltd. (Australia)
Stag’s Leap, Stag’s Leap Winery (U.S.A.)
SuperMerlova (U.S.A.)
Swagman’s Kiss, Clairault Wines (Australia)
Sweet Caroline Blush, Scherzinger Vineyards (Canada)
Sweetheart & Lapin Dessert Wine, Spiller Estate (Canada)

Tête-à-Tête, Australian Wine Brands Pty. Ltd. (Australia)
The Cat’s Whiskers, Catspaw Farm (Australia)
The Factor, Torbreck Vintners (Australia)
The First, Oliver’s Taranga Vineyards (Australia)
The Gap, Quoin Hill Vineyard (Australia)
The Isolde, Brangayne of Orange (Australia)
The Laughing Magpie, d’Arenberg McLaren Vale (Australia)
The Loose Canon, Hugh Hamilton Wines (Australia)
The Madam, Hugh Hamilton Wines (Australia)
The Merger, Murdoch Wines – Coonawarra (Australia)
The Muskateer, Hidden River Estate (Australia)
The Octavius, The Yalumba Wine Company (Australia)
The Nobbies, Phillip Island Vineyard & Winery (Australia)
The Prospect, The Hanging Rock Winery (Australia)
The Rogue, Nepenthe Wines (Australia)
The Scallywag, Hugh Hamilton Wines (Australia)
The Sticky One, Norse Wines (Australia)
The Tristan, Brangayne of Orange (Australia)
The Wolftrap (South Africa)
Tiger, Tathra (Australia)
Tigress, Hardy Wine Company (Australia)
Toasted Head, Dunnigan Hills - R.H. Philipps VC (U.S.A.)
Tom Cat (New Zealand)
Troubador Red, Lancefield Winery (Australia)
Tropical Decadence, Paradise Estate Wines (Australia)
Two Left Feet, Blossom Winery (Canada)
Tryst, Nepenthe Wines (Australia)

Undercover, Pertaringa Wines & Geoff Hardy Wines (Australia)

Vampire Cab & Merlot (U.S.A.)
Versace, Versace Wines (Australia)
Virgin, Kellermeister Holdings (Australia)
Virgin Vines (U.S.A.)
Vixen, Fox Creek Wines (Australia)
Vivacious Vicky! Kiona Vineyards (U.S.A.)
Victoria, Cooper Wines (Australia)

Wetlands, Grevillea Estate Wines (Australia)
White Lie (U.S.A.)
Wild Witch, Kellermeister Holdings (Australia)

Zingaro (U.S.A.)


Note: Avoid "pinot noir" on Valentine's -- it's known as the "heartbreak grape" (...difficult to grow, hard to decline, and hazardous to suitors.)

Research firm Cyberpulse recently indicated that 59% of women aged 21-39 wish their sweethearts would give them win on Valentine's Day. (It's highly likely they're also allergic to bling, balloons, and bonbons.)

And, the London Sunday Times reported that wine tastings rank abouve all other venues for finding a date. (So don't pass up a paramour and pleasing palate event like this one!)

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant
popularity of dogs."

Attributed to: Aldous Huxley (English novelist, critic and satirist) in "Webster's Electronic Quotebase", ed. Keith Mohler, 1994.


If you're fascinated by Fidos and their owners, and want to learn more about canine consciousness and capabilities (i.e. dog intelligence), drop by the website of a well-known dog psychologist and doggone good author, Stanley Coren, Ph.D. http://www.stanleycoren.com