10 THINGS NOT TO SAY ON VALENTINE'S DAY
Or, is a rose as sweet by any other name?
By Theolonius McTavish*, a vapid, verseless, Valentine’s card giver who would rather forget about February 14th altogether if that was humanly possible
The folks from Lovelines reported that on May 21, 2006 some 4,396 bloggers posted the word "love" somewhere on their sites. How many will post that word on "St. Valentine's" this year remains to be seen.
Valentine’s Day is an absolutely horrible day, especially if one is trying to find just the right card for the love of one’s life, let alone the de rigueur flower arrangement and sumptuously packaged goody box.
It is an equally dismal day, if one is expecting a cute card delivered on a bed of red roses not to mention a bottle of fine red wine together with a box of my lady’s finest chocolate truffles...none of which arrive on the appointed day.
So, if you flub on this fanciful occasion, please practice these pesky pieces of prose on your pet plant or animal companion before whispering the usual sweet-nothings in someone else’s ear on February 14th.
-- Am I’m glad you showed up – I was afraid I’d actually have to kiss that frog! (Gratuitous greeting to an insignificant other.)
-- Withering Violets …you call that a bouquet for a buxom beauty like me! (A brusque ‘bon not’ to a penny-pinching paramour.)
-- So Don Juan, just how many hearts have you broken today? (A zesty zinger for a corporate Casanova masquerading as Cupid.)
-- Just because you’re wearing silk boxer shorts with little red hearts doesn’t mean I know you! (A succinct statement to a spouse one has known far too long.)
-- I don’t do birthday suits…find another gene pool to swim in! (Terse text message to a tasteless twit or near-naked nincompoop.)
-- Do you give prizes to folks who sneeze all over your fancy flowers? (Casual query to a florist.)
-- If I hear another frigging “My Funny Valentine” ring tone duet I'm gonna barf! (One-sided colorful conversation of a Blackberry-boyfriend.)
-- Does this meal come with a magnifying glass or am I supposed to supply my own? (Response to a snooty French restaurant server who brings you one misshapen morsel of mussel in a tiny shell on a large, empty, bone china dinner plate as the main course!)
-- When you’ve finished playing with your little rubber bow and arrow maybe you could peel me a grape! (Saucy salutation from a dainty damsel who’s tired of waiting for her knight-in-shining armour to get with the program.)
-- Kindly keep your candy-wrappers to yourself! (Curt comment from an environmentally-unfriendly Valentine vixen.)
Alternatively, you can always pick up a copy of Love on a Rotten Day: An Astrological Survival Guide to Romance and try to wing it as it were, or at least find yourself a planet that will roll out the red carpet for you ...on your birthday.
And to all those serenity-challenged swains whose pet kimodo dragon consumed their beloved's Valentine card for breakfast, to those who polished off at lunch the box of chocolates intended for their inamorata, and to those who forgot to pick up a plastic petal arrangement from the Dead Flower Society for their sweetheart, thankfully here are a myriad of ways to say "I love you" (in 100 languages)!
*Theo's advice for the hopeless romantic, learn how how to write a love poem with help from the wiki world types.