Friday, August 26, 2005


Or, so you want to be footloose and fancy-free...

By Aphrodite Beamish, an erstwhile eager beaver from the Bugaboos of British Columbia, keen on finding a new place to perch, (without the usual snow, sleet, slippery rain, not to mention hurricanes, tornadoes, droughts and dust bowls plus a few other assorted climatic conditions found in most godforsaken spots)

Big brogues aren’t exactly a high-fashion footwear item these days, but then neither are those tawdry tan shoes with tacky pink shoelaces!

In fact most folks go “Ugh” when they see them, which is probably why a strange company from the Land of Oz named their brand-name boot after this rather ho-hum display of emotion.

Wearing big brogues offers a myriad of opportunities to express one’s personality. And after all, creating a good first impression is what life's all about today.

So here are just a few reasons you might find yourself slipping on a pair of beautiful big brogues:

  1. You want to show everyone that you mean business on a “shoestring” budget.
  2. You lost your steel-toed tap dancing shoes.
  3. You don’t want another repeat of the last glass-slipper fiasco!
  4. You want to demonstrate what’s in store for the two-timing twit who cares to cross your path anytime soon!
  5. You want to show off the little leftovers from your boisterous boot camp days.
  6. You decry the paltry efforts of fundraisers to raise awareness about the plight of pixies obliged to live in "footlockers" instead of forests (which incidentally have all been chopped down!)
  7. You wish to take pity on the wretched web-footed wunderkinds who didn’t make the cut on Noah’s Ark team!
  8. You are definitely not into the dating game!
  9. You want to gently remind your friends of the consequences should they decline to invite you to their next beer bash.
  10. You don’t wish to be bitten by crocodiles inhabiting your end of the swamp!
  11. You want to nix the notion that you’re interested in playing a game of "footsy" with the next-door neighbor.
  12. You are sick and tired about having to choose what to wear to work everyday.
  13. You want to put an end to ribald remarks from colleagues at work who put you in charge of the “Suggestion Shoebox”!
  14. You want to remind the Wily Foxes out there that you don’t take too kindly to being called “Little Red Riding Hood”!
  15. You’ve always wanted to be a flashy fashion type, and this item would definitely create a buzz in the bling-bling boot world (especially if it had a handful of sequins plus a large assortment of diamonds, emeralds and rubies!)
  16. You’ve always wanted to leave indelible "footmarks" behind on clean floors, white rugs, and out in the backwoods like the Sasquatch does.
  17. You’re an intrepid fighter against “foot-and-mouth disease”; (that’s why you keep your mouth shut and your feet ready for action when you visit the dentist)!
  18. You can't abide "footless footlings", (who always seem to take pride in being inept and unsubstantial not to mention being quite brainless as well).
  19. You are a “footlights” celebrity and wish everyone to know that you are not interested in playing any “foot-dragging” roles for Pete’s sake!
  20. You think "footnotes" are for the birds (and that’s why you ignore them at every opportunity!)
  21. You are a keen admirer of "fancy footwork", but that does not include either Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers!
  22. You want to impress your construction bosses, carpenters, and electrical engineers about your wealth of knowledge pertaining to “board feet” and “foot candles” of course!
  23. You think "foot races" (especially three-legged ones) are infinitely healthier than rat races, (which are typically very boring and besides they leave everyone thoroughly bummed out)!
  24. You dearly love saying to foes and their allies, the ‘fee-fi-fo-fum’ types, “Don’t mess with me…otherwise I’ll let my foot-pound lose on you!”
  25. And you wish to call attention to the fact that you are certainly no “footle”; (after all wasting time on trifling matters is the clearly the purview of the Quipping Queen…not you)!

These are just a few of the dialectical deductions, reasonable rationalizations plus the usual wherefores and whatnots that suggest why one should wear big brogues to a job interview, a wedding, or to the birthday party of your 22nd cousin once-removed.

After you’ve acquired your own “Big Brogues”, no doubt you’ll be able to add to this rather short list and find a wide range of other things to do with your big beautiful booties!


"The Queen of Shoes" sends you a bit of boff on this special occasion! So you might as well pick up a "Keepsake Ornament" on her behalf at the online Hallmark Store ( and present it to the your "favorite footwear collector"!

Thursday, August 25, 2005


Or, mirthful musings from the Land of Here We Go Looby-Loo

By Penelope Bonkles, a loose-lipped lass with a penchant for Punkydoodle Pea Soup and peculiar piffles that boggle the brain and banish the blues

Have you ever wondered about weird things? You know like, who invented the word purple …or why some people are “tickled pink” about life, while others appear to suffer from the “blue devils”?

And if you’ve been ruminating about why opportunities haven’t been knocking on your door of late, have you ever considered that maybe you don’t have a door?

If you have no predicaments, perturbations, or problems to air and share, then by all means take a peek at the following pleasant puzzles in need of deep musing, or navel-gazing as the case may be.

  • If "New" Brunswick is an Atlantic province in Canada, for Pete's sake where's “Old" Brunswick”?

  • If every computer has a “motherboard”, then where the heck's the “fatherboard”?

  • Okay some folks simply adore “doohickeys”, but that begs the next question; just who makes “dontdoohickeys”?

  • If “blotch out” means to cancel, delete or scratch out something, then what does “blotch in” mean?

  • If you “blow out” candles at your "blowout" bash, then how come all your long lost relatives decide to “blow in” to town when they're not even invited?

  • If your pipes are "blocked-up" and you have to call a plumber, whom should you call if they’re “blocked-down”?

  • If one can “find favor” and “lose favor” (presumably at the Lost & Found), why can one only “find fault” but never “lose” it?

  • If one “leads with one’s chin”, (i.e. blunder into something or heaven help us -- be indiscreet or rash), does that mean one can “follow with one’s chin” as well?

  • If one frequently “teams up with” with a tootsie or a tyrant, then whom should one “team down with”?

  • If macho-males in leather perform on “drag strips”, then where do happy hags on wheels let loose?

  • If one can always call a friend "in a pinch", then why is one reluctant to call a friend when something's "out a pinch", (say an expense account for starters)?

  • If people go "incommunicado" to conceal their whereabouts, then must those who seek the limelight go "outcommunicado"?

  • If everyone loves an “underdog”, who's cheering for the “overdog”?

  • If “wetbacks” come from across the Rio Grande, then where do “drybacks” come from?

  • Why are some folks obliged to “eat humble pie” to retain their club membership, but no one has ever heard of having to consume “arrogant pastries” to get in?

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if your world has been turned upside down because some head honcho decided to “right-size” to cut all those “maladroits”, be glad you don’t have a 'high-falutiniste' who wants to “left-size” and add all those “malagauches”!

Saturday, August 20, 2005


Or, who is that entourage of questionable quirky characters anyway?

By: Adrian Air-of-Sleet, Personal Secretary and Royal Biographer to Her Royal Majesty, Victoria Elizabeth, Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity who is responsible for overseeing the day-to-day-affairs of state involving members of her eager-beaver entourage not to mention all the loyal lollygaggers puttering about in the Queendom of Quirks, Quidnuncs & Quagmires (situated in the little known but well-appointed “Pith n Vinegar Palace” on Dallas Road in beautiful downtown Victoria, British Columbia, Canada)

Much has been said about the Quipping Queen. A spate of bad press lately, (about the odd habits of the merry-making monarch), has led to a good deal of speculation about her state of mind.

To nip the nasty non compos mentis natterings in the bud, the Quipping Queen has asked me to set the record straight.

First, let me assure you that Her Royal Highness is of sound mind, body and spirit! Her only regret is that her loyal subjects often lack opportunities to tickle their funnybones, open Pandora’s box to see what’s inside, or crayon outside the lines in their coloring books.

Second, since she is in possession of her marbles, she has come up with a playful solution to a perplexing problem - the precipitous decline of fun and frolic in the Land of Quibbles and Querilulous Things Going-On or Running Amok.

To stem the flood of feisty complaints to her gates, she has come up with a plan dedicated to improving wit and wisdom in the Queendom. This plan known affectionately as "PUCK-UP", will begin by putting an end to all "do-this-do-that" games in the royal realm, and then encouraging her seriously smile-impaired subjects to play cooperatively in “Sand Circles”.

It is hoped that the new learning centers will foster appreciation of the sands of time, assist participants to build sandcastles in the air effectively, and to understand the ancient philosophical notion that, “going around in circles is what life is all about”.

In response to a myriad of questions from journalists as to who will be responsible for leading this cutting-edge project, a spokesperson for the Ripsnorting Royal Court of the Quipping Queen, responded with alacrity, ardor and artistry.

He stated that this exemplary initiative would be undertaken by an assortment of incredibly clueless if not cockamamie characters who have volunteered to act as “Champions” and “facilitators” for this entertaining social-consciousness engagement.

The list of leading learned lights includes:

  • Arch-Duke of A-Very-Good-Time-Was-Had-By-All (Need we say more!)

  • Baron of Bunkum (The best source for dross and drivel in the queendom!)

  • Baroness of Baubles Bangles & Beads (She coordinates accessories for every occasion ...especially those sparkly sequined spandex yoga outfits!)

  • Butler of Biscuits & Bottles (Known for his fine selection of premium-brand kibbles, nipples and vittles)

  • Count Can't-You-See-I'm-Busy-Right-Now (His "to-do" list is a tad longer than the average dance card or grocery list)

  • Countess of Catnaps (Not known as a "snooze alarmist", she is a welcome guest at any long and boring cocktail party)

  • Dame Do-You-Know-What-Time-It-Is? (A renowned Clockwatercher!)

  • Duke of Doorknobs (Applauded for his lively impression of a pet rock!)

  • Duchess of Dither (The Diva of Damsels-in-Distress)

  • Footman of Fetish Wear (Tan shoes and pink shoe laces are not his thing)

  • Grand Duke of Garter Belts, Glass Slippers & G-Strings (A gift-of-the-gab sort who operates exceptionally well “in a tight pinch”, “under-cover”, and “behind closed-doors”)

  • Groomsman of Grouses, Grouches, Grumps & Growing Pains (A great smile and stroke personality whose silver-tongue and silver spurs keep everyone in line -- including cowboys who don't know when to stop talking about the size of their spread)

  • Knight of The Testy Turntable (Operator of a 33 1/3 and 78 RPM minstrel music machine ...known to have a mind of its own!)

  • Knight of It-Seemed-Like-A-Good-Idea-At-The-Time (A terrific connect-the-dots, fill-in-the-blanks and paint-by-numbers problem-solver)

  • Knight of Knock-Kneed Knickers (He has the finest selection of briefs, boxers, and BVDs for anatomically-challenged carpet knights of the realm!)

  • Knight of I’m-Sure-It-Was-There-Yesterday (A marvellous speciman of a memory-gene gone missing!)

  • Knight of When-Will-We-Get-There? (There’s one of these in every band of merry men in search of Maid Marion, the Holy Grail and some bloke called "BOB"!)

  • Lord Leaping to Conclusions (Long jumps are definitely his speciality!)

  • Lady Looby-Loo (A wonderful water-closet waif if ever there was one!)

  • Lady-In-Waiting-of-Giggle Gear (No ...she doesn’t own a dunce cap, but thank you for asking)

  • Prince Jeepers-Creepers I (Nothing gets past this lad!)

  • Prince Jolly-Bean II (He puts all those ordinary Mexican jumping beans to shame!)

  • Prince Jolly-Jodpurs V (A very happy-go-lucky sort who adores riding a cockhorse to Banbury Cross just to test-drive his turbo-charged breeches)

  • Prince Jolly-Jump-Up IV (A truly clean, keen, yes-madame machine)

  • Princess Jelly-Bean III (A jaunty jelly-belly aerobics instructor)

  • Princess Jiggle-Pot III (A scantily-clad sylph with fantastic fundraising capabilities)

  • Princess Jot-It-Down II (Not-your-average pencil-pushing pen-pal)

  • Sir Snuff & Such (Responsible for sniffing out stuff and nonsense in the nick of time)

  • Sir Prickmedainty (Responsible for "Minor Medical Miracles" and sweeping the occasional medical malpractice suit under the table)

  • Valet I (A well-known "hanger-on" who supplies garb for gargoyles and gals plus celebrity-approved "Valiant & Vixen Togs for Titillating Types")

  • Valet II (A Professional Putz who polishes booties and brogues for "Beautiful People")

  • Viscount Don Juan Valentine (Responsible for drafting the Queen's annual gushy greeting entitled, "Tips on How to Gird-Your-Loins Safely & Securily", in order to allay concerns among all her romantically-inclined subjects, their squeamish parents not to mention a large constituency of early childhood educators, public health nurses, and pharmacists on the occasion of Cupid's Visit to the realm every February 14th)

With all these robust if not ridiculous resources available, there is no doubt that the project will be an unbelievably huge success!

If not, Her Majesty, (Chief Executive officer, Chief Financial Officer, Chief Operating Officer and Grand Poobess of the Whole Shebang in the Queendom of Quirks, Quidnuncs and Quagmires), will simply hire some well-compensated consultants and self-promoting spin-doctors. Their task will be to revise the final, feel-good "Project Evaluation Report", (to reflect a healthy, hokey, happily-ever-after story naturally.)

And last but not least, rest assured, the Queen will always find another worthy project to keep her courtiers contented and her subjects in a sportive frame of mind so they will not toss hanging flower pots about in the “City of Gardens”, nor frighten the horses pulling the tourist-trap carriages around town, and refrain from sticking ooey-gooey wads of bubble gum on the leather seats of the environmentally-friendly pedi-cabs blocking traffic in the downtown streets!

Hail the Queen of Quixotic Quandaries! May she, her ludicrous court, and her loopy subjects all enjoy much health, wealth and happiness! And as they say here, "When in doubt, chortle and chug-a-lug, 'cause tomorrow's another day!"

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Or, how to put a little zip, zap and zuggers back into your life

By: Theolonius McTavish, a recovering “to-do-list”, clock-watching sort-of-person with a freezer full of vintage TV-dinners, ten pounds of low-carb Popsicles, 34 flavors of pop-tarts not to mention enough microwave-friendly pepperoni and pineapple pizzas to feed a platoon of pool sharks

“Boredom numbs the work world,” read the headline in an obscure academic journal called "The Rock Paper Scissors Review", (published by a well-meaning, eminently-respected editor and redundant researcher from the "Centre for Addlepated Adult Development" in Goobies, Newfoundland).

Of the approximately 50,000 globally-based cubicle dwellers, nose-to-the-grindstone grunts and sky-is-falling supervisors surveyd by Dr. Bodikin Scrabster, most had to admit they didn't truly “love” their Joe-jobs, did not genuinely “adore” their ‘we’re-all-in-this-boat-together exhilerating team-building experience’, nor did they jump for joy every morning at the prospect of returning to the widget work they did everyday.

So, rather than cry over spilt milk, cry in your beer or cry at the moon as many hum-drum souls do are eleven things you blessed sods can do to put a little zip, zap and zuggers back into your higgledy-piggledy, hugger-mugger life (on the catatonic corporate treadmill).

1. CREATIVE CATNAPPING: Write a classified ad for a professional one-eyed, one-horned, flying-purple people eater in your organization, (keeping in mind the mandate, responsibilities, and performance objectives required to keep the powers that be happy)!

2. FRUGAL FASHION FUN: Visit a consignment goods store or a flea market to look for the makings of your affordable, hand-me-down Halloween costume this year. (Remember, no more than $10.00 on this outlandish outfit…so, what is it?)

3. FUNNY-BONE EXERCISE: Using a large magnifying glass, please peer into your local telephone directory and spot as many funny named individuals, businesses and organizations as you can find. (Winners will receive their personalized sceptre and crown at the next Prince or Princess Jellybean inauguration ceremony).

4. MERRYMAKING MOVIE MOGUL: You have just been awarded the GOLDEN-FOREFINGER for the funniest movie of the year, (hint: it's the one you wrote, produced and starred in), so what’s the title, what’s it all about, who plays alongside you, and what's the opening line?)

5. INVENT A NEW FUNNY FAST-FOOD PRODUCT: Your task is to come up with a new affordable, easy-to-make, and unique fast food that will have everyone rolling in the aisles including your family members, work mates, (oh…and even your pesky pooch will love it!)

6. TERRIBLE TIE or T-SHIRT DESIGN: Your challenge is to create a new tie or t-shirt that will win the best prize for poor taste, eccentric design, or just plain weird manufacturing (…your task is to come up with the images and/or words that fit the bill)!

7. GRAFFITI APPRECIATION: You must photograph or verify with eye-witnesses that you’ve found at least 50 anonymous greetings or messages lying somewhere about on walls in your community. (And be prepared to submit one message explaining why you’re recommending it for an award).

8. FUNKY TEAM-BUILDING & FRIENDLY CHALLENGE: Your task is to organize three special events: a wheelbarrow race, a three-legged race, and a sack race in your workplace or neighborhood. (You must recruit the participants, judges, not to mention arrange sponsors for prizes, and conduct the awards ceremony – So, what are you waiting for …Get out and do it!)

9. ZUGGERS! Your task is to conduct an impromptu survey among family members, friends, or utter strangers to find out their definition of “zuggers”. (Be prepared to present a short summary of your findings before your peers and let them in on what the heck “zuggers” are and why they’re important in life!)

10. HOST A TACKY TOUR OF YOUR CITY: A long-lost relative is coming to town tomorrow, and you’ve been asked to become a “Tacky Tour Guide” for the day. Prepare a list of 10 places (and accompanying description of outstanding features to be encountered), so your relative will never forget the visit to your wacky end of the world).

11. CHOOSE THE TEN WORST SONGS EVER WRITTEN: Your high-school grad class president, (whose name you can’t remember or worse yet ...disliked intensely), has asked you to prepare a list of 10 of the best songs written (according to you of course). You're going to turn the tables and give him a list of the Top 10 Worst Songs Written and you're going to perform three of them. (Prepare the list, identify what instrument you will play if any to accompany your three choices, and practice …a candid camera awaits you!)

And when you've done all that -- give yourself a pat yourself on the back -- because you've earned it!

Nothing like tooting your own horn and taking credit for spending the entire day banishing the blues and boredom from your life! (NOTE: Please make your own frigging first prize red ribbon, you've got ten fingers and a blinking brain haven't you!!!)

Sunday, August 14, 2005


Or, where do all those daffy ding-a-lings from Canada call home anyway?

By Theolonius McTavish, a wayfaring wanderer in a very strange land full of blessedly big bugs, breathtakingly beautiful banshees, and more than a few bizarre blockheads

Canada is a country of extremes in terms of its size, climate, and geography. The good news is that it's populated mostly by modest munchkins and mild-mannered moochers. The bad news is they have to compete for space on the back forty with a bunch of rapidly multiplying moth-eaten, mournful-looking, misbegotten maladroit misfits, (better known as "moose on the loose").

It’s either pretty darn cold (99.9% of residents freeze their tootsies and booties off in the winter, except for the remainder who are web-footed, Westcoast wunderkinds ...carrying brightly-colored bumbershoots to fend off the seagulls or showers whichever comes first), or it’s incredibly hot and humid, (except for the tourist traps in Victoria catering to dazed Americans looking for igloos, polar bears and ice-cream made by “The Udder Guys”).

To be sure, Canucks are pretty ho-hum "Tweedle-Dee & Tweedle Dumb" types who dearly love to blend in with beige-toned wallpaper if at all possible.

Every now and then however, some quirky characters emerge unobtrusively from their comfortable closets, peep out from under their "magic" mushrooms, or casually climb down from their ivory towers. If truth be told, Canucks can't wait to dress up in war paint, quaff a few cold beer, and rant “I-AM-CANADIAN” at every blinking hockey team that comes to town!

Just where do all the dedicated dorks, delightful dingbats, and dialectical dunderheads, plus a lively assortment of daffy ding-a-lings call home-sweet home?

To answer this burning question meant observing the primeval penchants and perplexing proclivities of several singularly spaced-out souls. This painstaking research conducted during park bench conversations with utter strangers lead to a stunning conclusion that the majority of these quintessentially quaint but “cool” characters were conceived in some very funky, if not out-of-the-way destinations.

In the interests of brevity, I have compiled a list of my favorites, (see the alphabet soup below). I shall also be forwarding to this index to the well-respected "International Association of Podunk Places" for inclusion in their popular annual publication entitled, "Guide To God-Awful Tourist Towns, Traps & Trinkets".

So without further adieu, let's start at the beginning ...


  • Ahousat (British Columbia)
  • Amyot (Ontario)
  • Aneroid (Saskatchewan)
  • Anola (Manitoba)
  • Apohaqui (New Brunswick)
  • Apto (Ontario)
  • Arcola (Saskatchewan)
  • Arkona (Ontario)
  • Arntfield (
  • Aroostook (New Brunswick)
  • Athapap (Manitoba)
  • Athol (Nova Scotia)
  • Attawapiskat (Ontario)
  • Azilda (Ontario)


  • B-Say-Tah (Saskatchewan)
  • Bacon Ridge (Manitoba)
  • Bagot (Manitoba)
  • Baie Bug-in-a-Rug (Northwest Territories)
  • Baldur (Manitoba)
  • Baldy Hughes (British Columbia)
  • Bangs Falls (Nova Scotia)
  • Bareneed (Newfoundland)
  • Bartibog (New Brunswick)
  • Batchawana Bay (Ontario)
  • Beulah (Manitoba)
  • Beamsville (Ontario)
  • Bears Paw Gulch (Manitoba)
  • Beersville (New Brunswick)
  • Bella Coola (British Columbia)
  • Benito (Manitoba)
  • Birtle (Manitoba)
  • Blow Me Down (Newfoundland)
  • Blubber Bay (British Columbia)
  • Blumenort (Manitoba)
  • Bognor (Ontario)
  • Borups Corners (Ontario)
  • Botwood (Newfoundland)
  • Breakeyville (Quebec)
  • Bromhead (Saskatchewan)
  • Brunkild (Manitoba)
  • Burpee (New Brunswick)
  • Buttonville (Ontario)


  • Calabogie (Ontaroi)
  • Calahoo (Alberta)
  • Camp Boggy (Newfoundland)
  • Cando (Saskatchewan)
  • Cape Tormentine (New Brunswick)
  • Catchacoma (Ontario)
  • Ceepeecee (British Columbia)
  • Chasm (British Columbia)
  • Cheapside (Ontario)
  • Chilliwack (British Columbia)
  • Chorlitz (Saskatchewan)
  • Chuchi Lake (British Columbia)
  • Clo-oose (British Columbia)
  • Clute (Ontario)
  • Coboconk (Ontario)
  • Cogmagun (Nova Scotia)
  • Coombs (British Columbia)
  • Couchiching (Ontario)
  • Crumlin (Ontario)
  • Crutwell (Saskatchewan)
  • Cudworth (Saskatchewan)


  • Dahinda (Saskatchewan)
  • Didsbury (Alberta)
  • Digdegaush (New Brunswick)
  • Dingwall (Nova Scotia)
  • Dinorwic (Ontario)
  • Dokis (Ontario)
  • Donkin (Nova Scotia)
  • Dorking (Ontario)
  • Downeyville (Ontario)
  • Driftpile (Alberta)
  • Drumbo (Ontario)
  • Drumheller (Alberta)
  • Dugald (Manitoba)
  • Dumbarton (New Brunswick)
  • Dummer (Saskatchewan)
  • Dundela (Ontario)
  • Dunedin (Ontario)
  • Dunkerron (Ontario)
  • Dunster (British Columbia)
  • Duntroon (Ontario)


  • Eckville (Alberta)
  • Ecum Secum (Nova Scotia)
  • Eureka (Nova Scotia)


  • Findlater (Saskatchewan)
  • Five Fingers (Nova Scotia)
  • Flathead (British Columbia)
  • Flin Flon (Manitoba)
  • Fogo (Newfoundland)
  • Folly Lake (Nova Scotia)
  • Forget (Quebec & Saskatchewan)
  • Fraxville (Nova Scotia)


  • Gimili (Manitoba)
  • Gitchie River (Ontario)
  • Goblin (Newfoundland)
  • Gold Bottom Gulch (Northwest Territories)
  • Goobies (Newfoundland)
  • Gogama (Ontario)
  • Gowganda (Ontario)
  • Gore (Nova Scotia)
  • Gorlitz (Saskatchewan)
  • Grindrod (British Columbia)
  • Gronlid (Saskatchewan)
  • Grub Gulch (British Columbia)
  • Grunthal (Manitoba)


  • Hadashville (Manitoba)
  • Hamiota (Manitoba)
  • Hamtown Corner (Newfoundland)
  • Head of Jeddore (Nova Scotia)
  • Head-Smashed-in-Buffalo Jump (Alberta)
  • Heckston (Ontario)
  • Hickman’s Harbour (Newfoundland)
  • Hollow Water (Manitoba)
  • Hondo (Alberta)
  • Huff’s Corners (Ontario)


  • Ibyuk Pingo (Northwest Territories)
  • Ipperwash Beach (Ontario)
  • Ituna (Saskatchewan)


  • Joe Batt’s Arm (Newfoundland)


  • Kazabazua (Quebec)
  • Kitwanga (British Columbia)
  • Kleena Kleene (British Columbia)
  • Klemtu (British Columbia)
  • Klueys Bay (Ontario)
  • Komoka (Ontario)
  • Kouchibouguac (Nova Scotia)


  • Lac Bigot (Québec)
  • Lachute (Quebec)
  • Latulipe (Québec)
  • Lawn (Newfoundland)
  • Leading Tickles (Newfoundland)
  • Leakville (Saskatchewan)
  • Libau (Manitoba)
  • Lintlaw (Saskatchewan)
  • Lower Sackville (Ontario)
  • Lillooet (British Columbia)
  • Little Burnt Bay (Newfoundland)
  • Lobo (Ontario)
  • Lost Channel (Ontario)
  • Ludow (New Brunswick)
  • Lumby (British Columbia)
  • Lunenberg (Nova Scotia)
  • Luseland (Saskatchewan)
  • Lushes Bight (Newfoundland)


  • MacNutt (Saskatchewan)
  • Magawong Village (Ontario)
  • Magpie (Quebec)
  • Malagash Station (Nova Scotia)
  • Maniwacki (Quebec)
  • Manola (Manitoba)
  • Manotick (Ontario)
  • Mantario (Ontario)
  • Massawippi (Quebec)
  • Mazenod (Saskatchewan)
  • Meota (Saskatchewan)
  • Middlemiss (Ontario)
  • Miniota (Manitoba)
  • Minudie (Nova Scotia)
  • Mistinippi Lake (Labrador)
  • Molesworth (Ontario)
  • Monchy (Newfoundland)
  • Moonbeam (Ontario)
  • Moose Jaw (Saskatchewan)
  • Moosehead (Nova Scotia)
  • Moosomin (Saskatchewan)
  • Mortlach (Saskatchewan)
  • Mosquito (Newfoundland)
  • Munster (Ontario)
  • Mushaboom (Nova Scotia)
  • Musquash (Nova Scotia)


  • Nahmint (British Columbia)
  • Nameless Cove (Newfoundland)
  • Nancy’s Cellar (Nova Scotia)
  • Nanoose Bay (British Columbia)
  • Napanee (Ontario)
  • Napinka (Manitoba)
  • Naramata (British Columbia)
  • Narcisse (Manitoba)
  • Necum Teuch (Nova Scotia)
  • Neepawa (Manitoba)
  • Nerapis (New Brunswick)
  • Neubergthal (Manitoba)
  • Nigadoo (New Brunswick)
  • Nitinat (British Columbia)
  • Nipigon (Ontario)
  • Nipiwin (Saskatchewan)
  • Noggin Cove (Newfoundland)
  • Nogies Creek (Ontario)
  • Nojack (Alberta)
  • Nosbonsing (Ontario)
  • Nottawa (Ontario)
  • Nuttby (Nova Scotia)


  • Okotoks (Alberta)
  • Olalla (British Columbia)
  • Ompah (Ontario)
  • Onanole (Manitoba)
  • Orok (Manitoba)
  • Orono (Ontario)
  • Overflowing River (Manitoba)
  • Oxtongue Lake (Ontario)


  • Peebles (Saskatchewan)
  • Pefferlaw (Ontario)
  • Penobsquis (New Brunswick)
  • Peribonka (Quebec)
  • Petawawa (Ontario)
  • Piapot (Saskatchewan)
  • Pikwitonei (Manitoba)
  • Pinawa (Manitoba)
  • Pincher (Alberta)
  • Pinware (Newfoundland)
  • Pisquid (Prince Edward Island)
  • Pitt Meadows (British Columbia)
  • Plum Coulee (Manitoba)
  • Plumas (Manitoba)
  • Plunkett (Saskatchewan)
  • Pocahontas (Alberta)
  • Pockwock (Nova Scotia)
  • Pokemouche (New Brunswick)
  • Ponoka (Alberta)
  • Poodiac (Nova Scotia)
  • Pubnico (Nova Scotia)
  • Puce Coupe (British Columbia)
  • Pugwash (Nova Scotia)
  • Pukatawagan (Manitoba)


  • Quirpon (Newfoundland)
  • Quisbis (New Brunswick)
  • Quispamsis (New Brunswick)


  • Rosenort (Manitoba)
  • Rusty Pond Siding (Newfoundland)
  • Roachville (New Brunswick)


  • Scratch All Point (Nova Scotia)
  • Scudder (Ontario)
  • Shamblers Cove (Newfoundland)
  • Shediac (New Brunswick)
  • Sicamous (British Columbia)
  • Sissiboo Falls (Nova Scotia)
  • Skookumchuck (British Columbia)
  • Snooks Arm (Newfoundland)
  • Snook’s Harbour (Newfoundland)
  • Snowball (Ontario)
  • Snowflake (Manitoba)
  • Solsgirth (Manitoba)
  • Sop’s Arm (Newfoundland)
  • Souris (Manitoba)
  • Spillamacheen (British Columbia)
  • Sputinow (Alberta)
  • Spuzzum (British Columbia)
  • Squamish (British Columbia)
  • Squilax (British Columbia)
  • Squitty Bay (British Columbia)
  • Stickney (New Brunswick)
  • Starbuck (Manitoba)
  • Stuie (British Columbia)
  • Stukely-Sud (Quebec)
  • Sucker Creek (Ontario)
  • Sully (Quebec)
  • Sultan (Ontario)
  • Sybouts (Saskatchewan)


  • Ta Ta Creek (British Columbia)
  • Tabusintac (Nova Scotia)
  • Tadoussac (Quebec)
  • Tadmore (Saskatchewan)
  • Tangent (Alberta)
  • Tantallon (Nova Scotia & Saskatchewan)
  • Tatalrose (British Columbia)
  • Tatamagouche (Nova Scotia)
  • Teeterville (Ontario)
  • The Off Ground (Newfoundland)
  • The Pas (Manitoba)
  • Thrums (British Columbia)
  • Tichborne (Ontario)
  • Tidnish (Nova Scotia)
  • Tiddville (Nova Scotia)
  • Tilting (Newfoundland)
  • Tin Cap (Ontario)
  • Tingwick (Quebec)
  • Tizzard’s Harbour (Newfoundland)
  • Tofino (British Columbia)
  • Tomifobia (Quebec)
  • Toogood Arm (Newfoundland)
  • Tring Jonction (Quebec)
  • Tuffnell (Saskatchewan)
  • Tugaske (Saskatchewan)
  • Tulameen (British Columbia)
  • Tumbler Ridge (British Columbia)
  • Turkey Point (Ontario)
  • Turtleford (Saskatchewan)
  • Tusket (Nova Scotia)


  • Ucluelet (British Columbia)
  • Udney (Ontario)
  • Upsalquitch (New Brunswick)
  • Usk (British Columbia)


  • Vesuvius (British Columbia)
  • Vulcan (Alberta)


  • Waasis (New Brunswick)
  • Wabamun (Alberta)
  • Wabigoon (Ontario)
  • Wagmatcook (Nova Scotia)
  • Wahwashkesh (Ontario)
  • Waiparous (Alberta)
  • Wakopa (Manitoba)
  • Waldo (British Columbia)
  • Wanless (Manitoba)
  • Wanup (Ontario)
  • Wapella (Saskatchewan)
  • Wapske (New Brunswick)
  • Wasa (British Columbia)
  • Wasagaming (Manitoba)
  • Washabuck Centre (Nova Scotia)
  • Washago (Ontario)
  • Waskada (Manitoba)
  • Wawa (Ontario)
  • Waweig (New Brunswick)
  • Wawota (Saskatchewan)
  • West Chezzetcook (Nova Scotia)
  • Wetaskiwin (Saskatchewan)
  • Weyakwin (Saskatchewan)
  • Wikwemikong (Ontario)
  • Wilno (Ontario)
  • Wild Bight (Newfoundland)
  • Wild Goose (Ontario)
  • Windigo (Quebec)
  • Winger (Ontario)
  • Winkler (Manitoba)
  • Witless Bay (Newfoundland)
  • Woburn (Quebec)
  • Woking (Alberta)
  • Wooler (Ontario)
  • Worby (Manitoba)
  • Wymbolwood Beach (Ontario)
  • Wynyard (Saskatchewan)


  • Yahk (British Columbia)
  • Yarbo (Saskatchewan)
  • Yamaska (Quebec)
  • Yarker (Ontario)
  • Youbou (British Columbia)


  • Zbaraz (Manitoba)
  • Zeballos (British Columbia)
  • Zenon Park (Saskatachewan)
  • Zhoda (Ontario)

With all these exotic spots dotting the landscape, no wonder this frozen fairyland flings its doors open to the occasional inquisitive, idiosyncratic individual not to mention a happy horde of "can do" characters and yodelling "yes" people. After all, when it comes right down to it, Canada is one very hunky dory place to putter about, (at least that's what all the tourist brochures say).

So, if you're a dabbling dork, a dainty dweeb, or dashing ding-a-ling ...there's definitely a place here with your name on it. And when you're roaming about in this blooming big bog full of backwoods burgs, just keep your eyes peeled for those "Welcome" signs inviting "accidental tourists" or "flat-earth folks" to drop by.

Let's face it, Canucks need all the globe-trotting gadabouts and nocturnal nomads they can get to liven up their cute if not a tad peculiar corner of the planet!


NOTE TO READERS: The dollop of data above will one day form the basis of a thoughtful article appearing in a popular practical nursing newsletter on high-risk foot care entitled, "Lessons learned from sauntering strangers and the odd straying seagull or two while seated on a park bench in Beacon Hill Park (one fine summer afternoon in August casually contemplating who carried the recessive gene for knock-knees in my family and watching a pair of avid lawn bowlers debate the merits of munching medicated gum to relieve stress caused by a bunyan on the big toe of a next-door neighbor").

For "Lonely Planet" fans, (who are wondering just where Canada fits in the grand scheme of things, or can't remember the last time they set foot in this vast (waste)land of ice and snow), feel free to consult an "authority" in this matter:

And for those who are dying to know if these hokey hamlets actually exist, please consult Canada's "Darling Ding-a-ling Database" (comprised of a mere 350,000 entries) can be had for a modest $600 loonies. Otherwise, you'll be obliged to download each name one-by-one, (which may take you a couple of years), in order to compile your next best-seller, The Gargantuan Gonzo Guide to Pithy & Potty Placenames Canada if you please!".

A wonderful whoop-de-doo website for wacky "Pardon Me" placenames from Canada naturally (including a handy-dandy map) is GEIST MAGAZINE

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Or, who put the ram in rama-dama-ding-dong...I'd like to shake his hand?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, an errant Knight-In-Shining Armor, with a trusty thirty-pound encyclopedia under his arm to keep him warm at night, a bag of dog biscuits to keep strange critters happy, and a wooden hobby-horse which he rides every now and then to remind him that he’s destined to become the world’s first cosmic cowboy catapulted into space

The world is too much with us late and soon. Frankly we're now faced with a new conundrum on our hands, (as if we haven't got enough to do just getting and spending, much less laying waste our power for the next millennium or two).

The burning question of the day is, "What to call the newly discovered 10th planet of our solar system?"

Scientists were sick and tired of calling the nameless nuisance holding up the rear of the universe, "2003 UB313". And, politicians the world over needed something to distract the hungry hordes. The latter were totally bummed out about having to put up with the usual ration of bread and circuses, and were preparing to stomp all over the newly-planted flower beds, hurl hanging baskets about with glee, and encourage their precious pets to piddle or poop on the well-manicured lawns outside the seats of government.

While spin doctors spun their wheels aimlessly and birds began to twitter off-key, bigwigs stopped clipping their coupons, playing a round of golf and pressing the flesh. Minor minions also decided to get in on the act of being totally dumbfounded as to what to do.

They were all in a deep and dark funk. And, popping "happy" pills did not seem to relieve them of their profound perturbation about the possibility that some “rogue astronomer” might leap up and take credit for discovering the newest heavenly body. More to the point, they feared their worst nightmare might actually come true ...and shudder the thought ...that some renegade rascal of a rapscallion would name the latest addition to our solar system ... “The Big Bopper”.

So, while it’s comfy to know that "2003 UB313" regularly orbits the sun (like anyone really gives a hoot), and is larger than Pluto (not that anyone’s been out there lately with a measuring tape to confirm this of course), the real issue at hand is giving the number a human face as it were.

After all, if there’s one thing savvy, consumer-conscious human beings can’t stand is not having a brand-name label and a familiar image they can trust attached to all their stuff. And, who knows what treasures and treats lie waiting beneath the surface of "2003 UB313" to be pinched and poked or potentially pillaged and plundered by all manner of light-fingered folk!

In order to avoid a long, drawn-out competition between roving bands of nincompoops, ninnyheads and UFO fanatics inhabiting Earth, (all of whom claimed that with the aid of their backyard binoculars they had spotted a wandering ‘whatchamacallit’ whizzing about the sky), it was decided by the global power brokers that something had to be done, and fast.

Concern that the identification of a new planet might spark a celestial civil war, (as the other nine blessed bodies with deep roots among the Greek and Roman Gods were not exactly thrilled about the news of a new mythical deity in the neighborhood trying to horn in on their sacred solar system), all of which prompted the United Nations to convene an extraordinary meeting to deliberate upon the matter.

Meanwhile, long-forgotten mythical deities seeking a new lease on life were threatening to cash in their "Get Out of Jail Free Card", not to mention demanding a "Free Lunch" in addition to exercising their "Equal Opportunity Rights".

Fortunately, one dedicated diplomat from the land of ice and snow stepped forward to announce that he had a suggestion. Why not invoke the “not withstanding clause” in a repatriated Canadian constitution -- it might just do the trick. When asked what this had to do with the price of tea in China or the finer points of English grammar, he replied tersely if not curtly, "such a clause permits Canucks to do anything we please as long as an emergency has been declared". He was politely thanked for his tangential contribution to the esteemed gathering of well-known windbags and hot-air enthusiasts by the Third Under-Secretary to the Snooze-Button Control Operator (seated quietly next to a somnolent-looking Secretary General who was indulging in his favorite passion -- navel-gazing).

So, in the absence of an answer that everyone could live with, the powers that be sent out a 911 call on the Transcendental Meditation Hotline. Since the "Big Guy in the Sky" was busy performing miracles on 34th street, burning bushes, and whipping up loaves of bread and oodles of fish for supper that night, I took the call.

This was a fortunate stroke of fate as it turned out. Fending off one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people eaters and gritting teeth like grand pooh-bahs do certainly appealed to my keen spirit of adventure. However, it seems the ornery overlords were a tad miffed at being put on hold for four and a half hours. As if that were not enough, they complained constantly about the miserable choice of mood music and weren’t at all impressed with having to navigate a newly-minted maze of dulcet toned, voice-activated digital telephone instructions, (affectionately called the “Tree of Useless Knowledge”).

Anyway after much consternation and constipated consideration, I perused the pithy pages of my encyclopedia for a hint as to how to solve this disturbing dilemma, namely, how to come up with a marvellous moniker for the new planet. After much too-ing and fro-ing, not to mention more than the occasional hemming and hawing, the answer popped out of my snorting cerebellum. Just install a big suggestion box in a mall somewhere and let everyone toss in their two-cents worth.

The names below represent a sample of those submitted, (just to prove this was a fair, legitimate, and totally transparent community consultation process):

  • Bacchus (He puts on a terrific beer garden, organizes nifty wine & cheese affairs not to mention hosting more than a few hot-tub & toga parties)

  • Buddhabot (A Warp-Speed Wisdom Wonderkin)

  • Captain Kangaroo (A terrific child-minder on a Saturday morning)

  • Cleopatra (In honor of "The Queen of Face-Lifts, Tummy Tucks & Botox Injections")

  • Cronos (Nominated by Father Time to celebrate the "World's First 'Clockwatcher'")

  • Cupid (He deserves a bigger and better target practise range don't you think?)

  • Hades (The Daring Duathalon Dude who invented "The Burnt Barbecue Beef Challenge" and the "Walking on Hot Coals Contest" ...for macho men of course!)

  • Hera (In honor of the "Diva of Domestic Drudgery")

  • Hermes (Didn't he invent the typewriter?)

  • Juno (In honor of the patron saint and power-broker behind the miracle of "Immaculate Conception")

  • Joan of Arc (Nominated by "International Society of Trojan Horse Engineers" to honor the world's first under-cover hobby-horse rider)

  • Leprechaun (Nominated by the "International Association of Environmentally-Friendly, Vertically-Challenged, Transparent Entities" for "exemplarly service above and beyond the call of duty")

  • Loki ("Mischief-Makers Anonymous" voted him the most popular "Master of Mayhem" for 2005)

  • Poseidon (Nominated by "The International Association of Sea Monsters & Shipwrecks" for his invaluable contribution to establishing fraternal relations with the "Bathing Beauties Mermaids Society")

  • Puck (Someone has to poke fun at the folks on the newest planet in our solar system!)

  • Robin Goodfellow (Nominated by "The Goody-Two-Shoes Society of America & Friends" for his swarthy looks and swooning charisma, award-winning pearly-toothed smile, and unparalleled jolly-jump-up capabilities)

  • Satyr (In honor of "The King of Canoodling, Spooning & Romping About In the Holly-Fuds")

  • Spiderwoman (A wickedly wonky weaver-of-webs if ever there was one!)

  • Titan (Nominated by "The International Association of Windbags & Hot-Air Enthusiasts" as "The Next Best Thing to 'The Big Bopper'"!)

  • The Pit Stop At the End of The Universe (The "International Commode, Outhouse & Tinkle-Pantry Manufacturers' Association" and the "Fast-Food Franchise Owners of the Universe" recommended this planet as the best place to showcase their cutting-edge "Cosmic Water-Closet Technology" and new veggie-burger vending machines)

  • Thor (In honor of the "Father of Firecrackers" who adores letting the sparks fly and putting on a great "Thunderbolt & Lightening Spectacle" every now and then!)

  • The Queen of Sheba (Now there's one very 'Saucy Sylph of Shebang'!)

  • Tom Dick & Harry (Nominated by "The International Association of Innocuous Individuals" because these guys are more qualified than the "Three Musketeers" to keep up with the Jones', not to mention fill every "Joe Job" going in the universe!)

  • Vulcan (Voted "Playmate of the Year" by the "Vacuous Vixens of the Universe")

  • Wink’n Blink’n & Nod (Nominated by the "European Union of Fairy Tale Writers", The Sandmans' Society", the "North-American Sleep-Deprivation Research Institute" and "Sleepwalkers' Anonymous")

  • Xena (In honor of the world's first "Weed Whacking Wizardess"!)

  • Yahoo (Nominated by the "International Association of Podunk Places", for solving a pressing social problem - where to accommodate hard-to-house "Yammering Yokels")

  • Zorro (An equal opportunity, incognito, Hunky Halloween Hero)

With all the mall ballots and entries counted in the “Name That New Planet Contest", the gruelling selection task began. After 48 excruciating hours, a talented tollbooth attendant, one Heaver Herstmonceux, (from Three Legs Town, Ohio) was declared the winner. As luck would have it, the name chosen eloquently expresses the essence of those who have made a lonely planet at the end of the universe their home.

For the nail-biting nosey-parkers who've been waiting anxiously for the answer so they can fill their rumor mill with the lastest gossip -- quit complaining, cool your heels and hold your horses! And, if that doesn't work, take my advice humble advice - "Get a Life!"

Okay, okay who do you think would dare to live on a remote “Bob-Fearing" planet at the end of the universe?

Who else ...but a band of boisterous do-gooders with a devil-may-care attitude to life, liberty, and the pleasurable pursuit of puttering about (entailing a well-stocked refrigerator full of beer, frozen pizza and ice-cream -- the staple diet of these casually-dressed cosmic critters).

For those who are still in a quandary, the winning entry was you guessed it easy-to-remember, four-lettered word that just trips off the tip of your tongue …“DAVE”!


Artist's rendering of the newest fun-loving alien in our universe, from the dare-devil planet "Dave" of course!

For those nosey-pokers who just have to see if this planet really does exist (and it's not a figment of this flighty author's fanciful imagination), check out:

So you need more stuff to feast your eyes upon, NASA's gleanings weren't good enough? ...check out:

And for the busy-bee bookworm types who can't get enough cosmic crackers in their Christmas stockings, please see:

"New Scientist" names the top 10 moniker submissions for the newest planet on the block: