WHAT, PLUTO NOT A PLANET?

Or, why snowball citizens are giving Earth the cold shoulder!

Theolonius McTavish, a jovial journalist with a natural inclination for odd, off-beat, and peculiar news stories that capture the imagination of odd, off-beat, and peculiar people

The International Astronomical Union today announced their decision to banish plucky Pluto to the wasteland of outer space. As if that wasn't enough, they also stripped this paltry piece of frozen real estate of its status as 'a pathetically picayune place with little going for it besides an odd orbit around the sun'.

Needless to say the Plutons were reportedly a tad "miffed" at this rather nasty bit of news. Word has it that if they had noses, they would have been thoroughly out of joint at being informed that they are no longer welcome as members of the Cosmic Club. As it was, they felt it more in keeping with their galactic cultural traditions to engage in a feisty bit of fastuous flatulation as a way of expressing their disdain for such a dreadful decision.

In response to this provocative proclamation, Pluto's politicians have closed ranks and decided unanimously to roll up their red carpet and send the following communiqué to Earth:

Dear Earthlings,

In light of your recent decision to refer to our citizens as “vertically-challenged people with frosty dispositions”, (also pejoratively known as “ice dwarfs”), and to revoke our position as the ninth planet in your solar system, please be informed that we shall henceforth be establishing our own solar system and hockey league to which you shall not be invited to join.

Effective today, our reputable robot "Hal" has informed us that "Earthlings haven't got a snowball’s chance in hell of landing their spacecraft on Plutonic ice rinks". Further, he recommended we convey our sincere regrets about asteroid belt anglers no longer being welcome to use Pluto's frozen fishing holes as a rest and recreation stop on interstellar tours. And as for Santa dropping by on December 25th to refuel his wretched reindeer, forget it!

We fervently hope that you enjoy figuring out how to land on Jupiter and Mars without crashing your spaceships not to mention have fun flipping burgers in a fast-food restaurant somewhere at the end of your union-busting universe.

The last piece of advice we offer you before parting company is to pick up a copy of Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Take a peek at what happens when "Kevin" shows up. "Just who the heck is Kevin" you ask...well "Kevin" is any random entity that doesn't know nothin' about nothin'. That's why when "Kevin" suddenly hits something, (well anything big or small and everything in between), members of the Department of Spurious Stuff at Department at the University of MaxiMegalon have to interrupt their daily prayer meeting by the poolside.")

All of which brings us to our last point, are you really, really sure that you want to know what's going on in dimensions 13 to 22 of your universe, let alone the parallel one next door?

Yours truly,

The Big Bopper
President and CEO of Planet Pluto.

Reaction from astrologers around the globe has been mixed. The moral majority of the deep physics folks are deeply distraught as the loss of Pluto will mean that some archetypes of the universe will be missing their magnetic forces. On the other hand, a zealous minority of zodiac watchers are rejoicing at the news that Pluto has been unceremoniously kicked out of the Planet Club. Speculation abounds as to whether Scorpio, (the deep musing sign ruled by the former planet Pluto), will be nixed shortly, resulting in fewer politicians being born under this sign to challenge the rule of Zeus, the Big Kahuna or someone called "the Grebulon Leader".

Meanwhile, entertainment executives from Disney Corporation were contemplating the negative impact of this news on the value of their stock portfolio, which is said to have included a long-forgotten investment in an animated dog named “Pluto”.

Teachers around the globe are threatening to delay the opening of the school year. This news of epic proportions has left them truly in a learning lurch. Not only will they be obliged to work with obsolete science textbooks but now they will have to work overtime revising their lesson plans, thereby cutting into their valuable vacation time!

And last but not least, rumblings have been heard beneath the earth’s crust that a Roman God named Pluto, (ruler of the underworld and X-large firecrackers called “Plutonium Puffs”), is going to boycott Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day, and all independence celebrations as a protest against the decision of mortals to make a mess out of the celestial system of gods and goddesses, not to mention create utter havoc in Hades and galaxies like the Milky Way.

So, stay tuned for fall-out from the earth-shattering decision of those fine folk who've invoked the name of science to tinker with the great big sky above, including an itty-bitty spot called "Pluto" that God allegedly created as an afterthought, or maybe it was a beforethought...no one knows for sure.

__________

Heard a voicemail greeting recently, "Somewhere between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea lies Pluto. Press 1 for "The Devil". Press 2 for "Pluto". Press 3 for "The Deep Blue Sea". Press 4 for "Haven't you got anything better to do with your time?"

Those unhappy with the decision of this spurious stargazing society, (especially if they're within earshot of any university), are invited to honk twice if they think Pluto is still a planet.

And for those who feel inclined to "Save Pluto", please pick up your favorite t-shirt and voice your vexation!

THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T DO YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB

Or, beware of merry miscreants and munchkin messengers!

By Patience Pantperhog, a typical Taurus who on a good day is self-indulgent, slow-moving, and stubborn, and on a bad day is boring, placid and known to engage in lengthy pondering and procrastination when deprived of cookies and a wind-up alarm clock at her bedside

The world of work is a pretty scary spot to hang out in these days. In fact, the rat race is having difficulty in attracting ripsnorting rodents who are willing to work for peanuts and popcorn.

So, it’s not surprising that employers are keenly aware of the need to offer more perks and pats on the back to a new generation of pesky pests keen on learning how to make mountains out of molehills and how to become the next Titan of Tunnel Vision!

For all those wannabe whippersnappers who want to avoid the rat trap and find the pot of goodies at the end of the rainbow, (while plugged into their cell phones, Blackberries, and laptops), here are a few things you probably shouldn’t do your first day on the job:

• Ask for the golden key to the executive washroom and directions to the nearest recycling receptacle for processed tree carcasses and non-violent low-carb fast food.

• Demand a security pass or identity card for your pet turtle named, “Beelzebub”.

• Record a voice-mail greeting that begins, “You have reached offices of Doom & Gloom, how may we help you today!”

• Inquire about peephole policies and what lure to use when fishing off the corporate dock.

• Hold a "Crepitation Contest" to break the ice and see who can produce the best Blue Angel (a High-Altitude Flatus Explosion), calicoe, drag, flam, freep, flutterblast, foul fragrance, fundusbreak, gaseous guffaw, involuntary air, mommadaddy, mud-duck, paradiddle, ruff, skillsaw, slider, sphincter song, thunderclap, vulgar vapor or wayward wind.

• Burst into tears when you’re not allowed to decorate your cubicle with colorful kiddie cutouts from your favorite book, Captain Underpants.

• Pop your head into every nook and cranny with a “Hello, My Name is “Paragon of Positivism”, what’s your handle?

• Complain about the lack of a fitness facility with a jungle gym, monkey bars and punching bags.

• Invite your colleagues over to your corner of the cube farm for a brown-bag picnic and a quick game of strip poker.

• Smack your lips in a lascivious manner and pant profusely when mail is delivered to your desk.

• Drop a note in the company’s suggestion box recommending that they replace “Casual Fridays” with “Cross-Dressing Mondays”.

• Throw a tantrum upon learning that your modest expense account doesn’t cover chewing gum, Smarties, and red licorice sticks.

• Bring your whoopee cushion to work claiming that your doctor prescribed it as an effective ergonomic measure to prevent pain in the posterior.

• Whistle while you work, kneel in a Lotus position on your flying carpet, and worship twice daily at your personal shrine dedicated to "Snow White and the Seven Vertically-Challenged, Multiple Personalitied, Involuntarily Undomiciled Male Members of the Mutant Albino Genetic Recessive Global Minority of the Environmentally-Friendly Cottage Dwelling Community with Temporarily Unmet Needs and Objectives".

Oh, and a word of advice…make sure you master the Bureaucratically-Suitable (BS) buzzwords in your industry, otherwise you may find yourself tossed out on your tush with a delightful dog-eared copy of Who Moved My Cheese? in your sweaty little palms.

THE LAST BASTION OF BAWDY LANGUAGE

Or, why don’t plumbers dump those dirty dangling-modifers!

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, LLD (Learned Leprechaun of Dross & Drivel), publisher of the “Jest-in-Time Technology Journal”, and Dean of Do-This-Do-That at the University of Balderdash & Bumkum in Pahrump, Nevada

Do you know how long plumbing has been around? Since the good old days of Roman gladiators, Lotus-Eaters and Lions, Persian flying carpets, and last but not least, Chinese fortune cookies!

It’s not surprising therefore that more than fifty million web pages are devoted to this ancient skilled trade.

While these professional peepers have been poking our pipes and potties for centuries, you’d have thought they might have cleaned up their leak-filled lexicon by now. But no, to my utter amazement, there is a rather long list of titillating if not tawdry terminology to be found in their testosterone-inspired taps, tubs and toolboxes!

It is indeed surprising that in this era of politically-correct posturing that "The American Hyphen Society" and the "American Gender Society" have not yet seen fit to campaign collectively for the removal of this lascivious language from all professional plumbing publications not to mention their debauchery-inspired discourse on drainage.

Frankly, people around the globe will be forever indebted to the valiant efforts of a little known group called the Politically-Correct Plumbers’ Association. These Lords and Ladies of the Loo are taking the lead in rewriting the “Code of Commode Conduct” to remove all indecently exposed adjectives, suggestive slang, and wanton words from their current glossary of glaring glitches.

If consumers are going to spend millions of hard-earned greenbacks on renovating their bathrooms and kitchens, the least plumbers can do is bleed their bilge-filled buzzwords from their foul-mouthed pipes!

A list of the most notorious if not nefarious nouns and phallically-oriented phrases follows:

“B”
Ballcock, Ball Passage, Balloon Bag, Beam Clamp, Bed Depth, Blowbag, Blowdown, Blowfish

“C”
Clamp Straps, Close Coupled, Close Nipple, Closet Flange, Cock, Cockhole Cover, Concealed Trap, Coupling, Curb Cock Shutoff

“D”
Diaphragm, Diffuser, Dip Tube, Discharge Head, Dope, Double Slipper, Down Head Boring Gimlet, Drip Leg, Drop-In, Duo Valve

“E”
Eccentric Shank, End Body, Energy Guide Label, Exposed Shower, Extinction Pop, Eye of the Impeller

“F”
Female Fitting, Female Side Inlet, Female Threads, FIP (Female Iron Pipe), First Draw, First Hour Delivery, Flapper Flush, Flaring Tool, Flex Coupling, Flexible Connector, Flocculation, Flood Level, Flushball, Flushbushing, Flush Joint, Flushometer, Flush Valves, French Drain

“G”
Gas Cock, Gland, Glove Valve, Grooved Fitting, Ground Joint Union

“H”
Hardness, Head, Head Loss, Heat Trap, Hex Key, Hole Saw, Hold Down

“I”
Insert Fittings

“K”
Knob Handle, Knockout Plug

“L”
Light Duty, Lifting Flames, Lock Nut, Low-Flow

“M”
Male Threads, Manhole, Mini-Widespread, Mission Coupling

“N”
Nipple, Nipple Extractor

“O”
Open Front, Optional Body Spray, Orifice, Overflow Hood

“P”
Packing Nut, Peak Hour Demand, Peak Load Period, Petcock, Pickling, Pipe Dope, Plumber’s Putty, Plunger, Poppet, Potentiometer, Power Snake, Priming Jet, P-Trap, Pull-Out Spray

“R”
Recovery Capacity, Relief Valve, Rim Holes, Riser, Roman Spout, Rough-In, Running Trap

“S”
Sag Pipe, Sanitary Bar, Sanitary Fitting, Saponification, Self-Rimming, Service Entrance, Service Victory, Sight Hole, Sill Cock, Skirted, Slip Joint, Slipper Tub, Soft Flame, Spark Test, Spray Patterns, Spud Nuts, Static Pressure, Static Discharge Head, Straight-Stop, Stub-Out, Stud Guard, Stuffing Box, Submergence, Suction Static Lift, Sweated Connection, Swing Joint

“T”
Tailpiece, Tap Adaptor, Temperature Rise, Test Plug, Thermocouple, Thermopile, Total Discharge Head, Trap Arm, Trap Dip, Trap Nuts, Trap Primer, Trapway, Trenchless, Turbulent Flow

“U”
Under-Mounted, Union Nut, Uni-Flex

“V”
Velocity Head, Volatile

“W”
Washdown Water Closet, Water Hammer, Water Spot, Weak Well, Wellpoint, Wet Vent, Working Pressure

“X”
XH – Extra Heavy, XLG – Extra Long

“Y”
Yellow Tipping, Yoke

“Z”
Zero Soft

Readers who share the concerns of the Politically-Correct Plumbers’ Association are invited to voice their vexations to politically-correct politicians and proper-minded plumbers by choosing the most concupiscent cognomens to be eradicated forthwith. In the meantime, take my humble advice, beware of carnal connations used by water closet wunderkins!

10 THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE GOLF MORE EXCITING

Or, what’s a little more miscellaneous mayhem on the fairway anyway?

By Samantha Tooting-Beck, a happy hide-and-seek, here-and-thereian with a penchant for Master’s of Slow Play, glow-in-the-dark balls, and eliminating the yips!

There’s only one place on earth where birdies and eagles are welcome…and it’s not “Ducks Unlimited”!

It’s high time something was done to liven up the game of golf! Enough with those snotty-nosed sportsmen and their cajoling caddies!! Frankly, the world could do with a few more wedgies, whiffers, and whooshers!

For the benefit of those who think that knocking tiny dimpled balls into prickly bushes, sandboxes, and hidey holes for hours on end is fun, let’s revisit this godforsaken game.

Here are ten things that would make golf more exciting for novice and seasoned players alike.

1. Golf attire must include a football helmet, red flannelette long johns, and a pair of snowshoes.
2. There must be five holes with colorful flags to aim for on each putting green.
3. Each hole shall serve cocktails, finger food, and enthusiastic applause.
4. Provision for a hot air balloonist to carry players’ clubs and a scuba diver to fetch lost balls from the bottom of ponds.
5. Tournament-approved baseballs, beach balls, and billiard balls will be used for a minimum of three holes.
6. One putting green must be played with nothing but a toothpick and a ping-pong ball.
7. One hole must be played blindfolded.
8. At least one hole must be played with a croquet ball and mallet.
9. For extrications from bunkers or sandtraps, players will be provided with stilts and hockey sticks.
10. On the 19th hole, award the honorary title, Duke/Duchess of Divots, to those who uproot the most grass per square foot during a round of golf.

Remember, the only place in America where the “handicapped” are welcome is on a golf course!

THINGS FISH THINK ABOUT

Or, every swank tank has its share of crankbaits and crappies

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a happy hide-and-seek here-and-thereian, with a penchant for periwinkles, picaroons, and pleasant prittle prattle.

The following frivolous phrases, in honor of Preposterous Piscatorial Parable Appreciation Month, highlight a wide range of picayune if not piffling things that fish think about as they swim around in their aquarium minding their own business and only occasionally watching the wonky world go by at break-neck speed.

• On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate his armchair angling ability?

• If there’s some misbegotten moolah to be made, it’s probably in “phish pharming”.

• Don’t ever call me a “bottom sucker”, “bucket mouth” or a “really big lunker” unless you want a fin in your chin!

• If you need to fish for compliments, you certainly aren't “The Happy Hooker”!

• Believe me, I wouldn’t fall for that hook line and sinker stuff, even if you told me I was the prettiest Pisces in this frigging fish tank!

• Look Nemo, if you really want to swim in your birthday suit, try another tank please!

• So, what does a wild snail do for a wicked bit of fun in this dazzling denizen of the deep?

• "Get a grip" said the Hairy Blenny haughtily, "do I look like “Tony the Tuna” to you?"

• “Catch and Release” is one of those silly games fly-fishermen play to fill in time while waiting for Godot to show up and tell them what they should be doing instead.

• The sign said, “Gone Fishing”, I only hope it’s not at our end of the tank!

• No this fish bed does not come with an 18” coiled box-spring mattress and a 25-year warranty!

• If that crankbait is a nightcrawler with attitude, then you must be a hapless hen hawg!

• I wish they’d stop talking about water nymphs, wet flies, and bottom bouncers, it gives me the willies!

• Yep, that big fish looks mighty strange in them hip-high wet waders.

• Who let that Forked Tail Darter into our playpen?

• He wondered if the Monkeyface Prickleback was really going to have a gay old time with those Boesemani Rainbows?

• "If there’s one thing I can’t abide it’s a blankety-blank, blubbering bubblehead", remarked the King of Salmon as he fished a handkerchief from his pectoral pocket!

• Hmmm....those fishnet stockings probably won't do much for that French Grunt.

• That flake wouldn't know a plastic plant from the real thing, even if he munched on it!

10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT STICK INTO A MOVING FAN

Or, You Mean There’s Fun in FUNky Science?

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-carb lounge lizards with literary pretensions

1. Tasteless cheddar cheese strings. – Now there’s one very a bad wrap if ever there was one!

2. A pork barrel. – Yes siree, a proliferation of patronage positions at its best!

3. A whangdoodle. – Ever seen a "monster mash"?

4. Digitized spam. – A novel way to create a mess in your “out box”.

5. A box of cheap red wine. – You're right, some whiners never do learn how to contain themselves!

6. Vintage Hawaiian shirts. – Why not find a volcano to dispose of them if you must?

7. The lyrics to “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. – Do we really need to find the lost chord in a bad brew tune?

8. A surplus sacred cow. – Are you sure you know how to milk this karmic creature?

9. Cell phone ring tones. – Frankly, they’re like boisterous boomerangs, especially the gross ones, because they all come back when you least expect them!

10. A white elephant. – You mean someone told you this would eliminate the third world debt problem?


WARNING: Attempting to perform any of the above exotic experiments in shape-shifting may result in a huge hodgepodge at the very least, if not a minor morsel of mayhem.

15 THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM A PENCIL

Or, “He’s definitely not the sharpest one in the box!”

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-carb lounge lizards with literary pretensions

1. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but a pencil works just as well in a pinch!

2. Never ask an engineer the size of his favorite tool!

3. There are only three things in Nature that go AWOL: keys, umbrellas, and pencils!

4. “To err is human”, that’s why pencils with erasers were invented.

5. Make sure your words are retractable, even if the lead in your pencil isn’t.

6. ‘Tis better to be long and thin than short and stubby’, (trust me on this one!)

7. Remember, a tree sacrificed its long life so someone’s very weird thoughts and stick man drawings could survive on paper!

8. It’s great for filling in the blanks, (unless of course one’s life is a complete blank!)

9. If you can’t be a “grande artiste”, at least be a doodlebug!

10. If it were not for this humble writing instrument, great musical scores, like “Does your chewing gum lose it’s flavor on the bedpost over night”, would never have seen the light of day nor been hummed blissfully by baby-boomers in morning showers all around the globe.

11. Avoid timid or tentative A-type personalities, especially those who say: “I’ll ‘pencil you in’ for a lunch date next week.”

12. The rejects are crushed into mush and find new life as toilet paper.

13. Some things are not destined to be squished nor to go splat, no matter how hard we try!

14. It’s more fun being a saucy scribe than a sycophantic scribbler.

15. Behind every brilliant bean counter lies a pathetic pencil pusher.

IS BALLET BORING?

Or, beware of tutus and tights that tip toe through the tulips!

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Ph.D.T.) professor of heavy-duty thinking at the Creative Loafing Institute, with oodles of time on his hands enjoys engaging his cerebellum in anything that captures his fancy (which usually means letting his mind wander where it may or may not, depending on the weather or his daily horoscope whichever comes first)

The much maligned multimedia magazine, “The Mad Megaphone”, recently published a rather intriguing article entitled, “Full of Emptiness”, an exposé on why some beetle-headed, belching Blarney stone adventurists from the ‘Old Country’ and their kissing-cousins from the “New World” consider ballet more than a bit boring.

Clearly the hoity-toity set should take heed. If the powers that be in the entertainment industry are keen on attracting a new audience to replace the declining number of white-heads in attendance, they may well wish to consider making a few changes to the traditional tutu titillation event.

What would make it more exciting, might be a good place to start.

After some pain-staking consumer research into how to improve the artsy-fartsy image of the ballet, here are the top ten suggestions gleaned from far too many focus groups filled with testosterone-challenged teenagers and thirsty thirty-somethings, all of whom are looking for a good time on Saturday night.

1. Stage one or two performances in the buff as the cultured clothing-optional consumer market segment is always looking for a high-profile birthday suit occasion to share their Lady Godiva lifestyle with mainstream society.

2. Invite Jungle Jim, Tarzan, and Jane to showcase their high-flying abilities on vines; besides, it’s a great way to promote why the tropical rainforest is worth saving.

3. Encourage dancers to add lip-sync skills to their repertoire for the benefit of a hard-to-reach market demographic, the hearing impaired.

4. Hire Superman (attired in his usual red cape and blue spandex body suit) to leap over buildings with a single bound; this will give the LOLs and LOMs a new lease on life, not to mention a hopeful escape route from the nursing home.

5. Have Eminem translate all the music into rap, that way everyone can leave their Italian, French, German or Spanish dictionaries at home.

6. Add a lightshow and fireworks to keep the audience on their toes instead of those tired dancers in their pointy-shoes and stockings; you’ll win some brownie points with the government health and safety inspectors…just make sure you keep any combustible materials away from Smokey the Bear & Friends.

7. Allow dancers to sport their latest collection of tattoos and navel rings, a gentle reminder to everyone that ballet does indeed support novelty and “equal opportunity artistic expression”.

8. Permit those confined to the orchestra pit to see the fruits of their labor; this will go a long way to resolving a major stumbling block in the musicians’ union labor contract.

9. Invite “Cirque de soleil” to perform during intermission in order to alleviate rather long lineups outside the two restrooms and bar on the mezzanine floor.

10. And last but not least, let circus animals, like dancing bears, play a few minor roles to keep the tiny tots quiet during the performance.

HOW NOW BROWN COW?

Or, 10 things a cow thinks about when a farmer milks it.

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-carb lounge lizards with literary pretensions

1. According to the "Tao of Cow", "The Sound of Moosic" is make-believe just like the "milk of human kindness".

2. Holy cow I'm glad the “Udder Guys” know how to make a big “Brown Cow”, you know the one with the tail end of a bottle of rum, a few shots of crème de cacao and crème de menthe, plus a large scoop of ice-cream and oodles of chocolate shavings!

3. If I hear “Cowabunga” again…I’m gonna ring the wretched necks of those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles not to mention that bovine bozo, Bart Simpson, with his “Don’t have a cow, man!”

4. I’m truly impressed with the fact that the pH level of a cow is six and that there are approximately 350 “squirts” in a gallon of milk, but the real question is, when can I make some serious moo-lah for a change?

5. Does anyone really care whether the city of Boston was laid out by cow paths or that Wisconsin is home to the largest number of dairy cows in the USA?...guess it's just a slow news day and someone wants to milk those facts for all they're worth!

6. I read somewhere that Christopher Columbus discovered America, but now folks are saying that he brought along some “Mad Cows” just to keep him company …sounds like just another BSE (“bull shit and excrement”) story to me!

7. Why is the town of Beaver, Oklahoma the “Cow Chip Throwing Capital of the World” and not Cow Yard, Massachusetts?

8. A cow can see color and detect odors up to five miles away - so you might want to think twice about frolicking around in those red longjohns and breaking wind on my back forty!

9. Hmmm….if the average cow stands up and sits down 14 times a day, you’d think someone might at least offer us a reclining chair, a back massage and a good moo-vie!

10. Let’s see…assuming an udderly adorable cash cow like me spends 6 hours a day eating and 8 hours chewing cud, tell me again what’s in it for me if I stop moo-ing?

__________
For those who can't get enough boisterous bovine entertainment, check out "Lucky Cow" comic strip, top cow gifts, and learn how to make a cow puppet just for fun.

10 THINGS YOU WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT

Or, what you would banish if you had a big fat wand and a honking grand throne to sit upon?

By Daphne Droitwitch, a double-tongued diva who is used to banging break-teeth words into silly shapes so as to annoy her friends, confuse her adversaries, and amuse herself naturally

1. The weather. Undoubtedly a fascinatingly futile forecast, unless you reside in outer space!

2. The latest shooting star on "American Idol". Forget it - why not serenade your shower partner with your favorite soppy song instead, maybe you'll have a more receptive audience!

3. What your batty/blinking boss or nudnik next-door neighbor/cube farm dweller did or said today. Quit complaining, be creative; send them (anonymously) a nice “Nincompoop Appreciation Award”!

4. Why the world, according to you, isn’t fair? Hmmm, so who appointed you God-for-a-Day pray tell?

5. Who trounced whom in today's tiff, tilt, or tussle? Dragon-slaying is highly over-rated, besides, it's a messy sport so try meditating or finger-painting for a change!

6. Diets. If they weren’t invented in heaven, they haven’t got a hope in hell of working!

7. Kids. Frankly folks, this grown-up game of show and tell is wearing a tad thin!

8. The latest exotic vacation. Unless the person suffered from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and was bitten by a hungry shark, people truly don't want to hear another tiring tale of glee or gluttony let alone see that doggone digital photo album!

9. A state-of-the-art gadget or gigabyte gizmo acquired by someone who hasn’t got a clue how to operate it, but can’t wait to impress their frigging friends and family!

10. Hobbies, (collecting vintage chewing gum wrappers, designing miniature doll house furniture, or whipping up a zesty cocktail concoction called “Under the Kilt” made from peeled cucumbers, kiwi fruit and a shot of gin all look like far too much work for someone with a penchant for lightweight lollygagging like you!)