GOING WHOLE HOG IN THE YEAR OF THE PIG

Or, how to avoid being hogtied in the Year of the Pig

By Theolonius McTavish, a raucous road hog with a penchant for pickled pigs toes, Black Forest ham, and Canadian back bacon.

If dogs look up to us while cats look down on us, it's not surpising to find at least one barnyard beast that treats us as equals. It's affectionately known as a dirty old pig.

And since 2007 has been declared the Year of the Golden Pig by Chinese astrologers, who are we to argue!

Now's the time to get a wiggle on and go the whole hog to honor all people, places, and things piggy!

• All road warriors are advised to pick up a gas-guzzling Harley-Davidson brutish-sounding bike, better known as hog".
  


• For those who can't save their money or adore counting if not hoarding pennies, it's time to buy a piggbank!
  


• Pig-Pen personalities can finally come out of the closet!
  


• Yup for those who aren't picky about food and don't like brushing their teeth, have we got something for you...a popular piggy tune!
  


• For vertically-challenged crisis-prone critters who are having trouble being b-b-brave...it may be an opportune moment to learn a few words of wisdom from "Piglet".
  


• Gluttonous grunts need no excuses to pig-out on bacon, ham and pork chops(just ask Lisa the Vegetarian)!
  


• And what would the world be without Pink Floyd and pigs!
  

So, whatever you do this year, be nice to pigs, be they the fuzz with flatfeet, ...the muck-loving, potbellied, slippery, thick-headed variety ...or the higgledy-piggeldy ones who have a hard time finding things right under their snouts.

GOING HOG-WILD IN THE YEAR OF THE PIG

Or, why not celebrate with a pigskin parade!

By Theolonius McTavish, a ribald rasher who's known to tell bawdy barnyard tales to tipplers at the Hogshead Pub

According to Chinese astrology, 2007 is “The Year of the Pig”. This is welcome news to the “Boars”, “Hogs” and “Swine” of the world who have not had much company to speak of in their end of the quagmire or swamp.

Sus scrofa are said to be gregarious grunts who though they have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances actually have few close buddies who share their passion for mucking about in the mud. Chivalrous and gallant, these cloven hooved critters don’t talk much with is a breath of fresh air considering the stench that often surrounds them.

Swine are not slackers. As a matter of fact, boozy boars have a great thirst for knowledge that includes the ever popular “Bottoms Up”, “Freddy Fudputter”, and “Fuzzy Navel”.

Rabbits and sheep are most compatible with boars. After all, how many creatures do you know that are willing hang out with hogs who avoid turning left or right and definitely have never heard of the word retreat.

So with all that in mind, just what does one say when encountering a pig this year?

• I’ll bet you know what a pig-in-a-poke is eh? (Used with a prudish pig from Canada.)

• I think I'll curl up with a crumpet and a pig-in-a-blanket. (Used with a British boar.)

• If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s folks who eat like pigs! (Used with generously-proportioned personalities who frequent Piggly-Wiggly’s far too much.)

• I’m not going to be your guinea pig! (Used with scientifically-inclined swine.)

• Me, marry that breathtaking boar. In a pig’s eye I am! (Used with ugly ungulates.)

• I’m tickled pink to hear all about it. (Used with a porcine personality you’re trying to impress.)

• I admire pigskin people. (Used with SuperBowl-infatuated swine.)

• Pigtails aren’t your thing, are they? (Used with sveltless, statuesquely-challenged sows or members of the Pigmalion family.)

• I wouldn’t get to swill-headed about that if I were you. (Used with a pigpen playmate.)

• It's as plain as a pig on sofa. (Used with who deny the existence of an elephant in their living room.)

• Piglet, what a squealing sensation you are. (Used with an immature member of the swine family.)

• Bring home the bacon but leave your pig at home! (Used with a sweat-hog.)

• Of course I love watching pigments dry. (Used with a paint-by-numbers pig.)

• I’m not sure I understood all your hogwash, could you repeat that again? (Used with a buzzword boar or a red-tape rasher.)

• I'm here to see the guy who can turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. (Used with those who aspire to live high on the hog.)

• Being pigheaded certainly does pay off. (Used with stubborn swine.)

• I can see you know how to make a pig's ear. (Used with those who manage to muck-up anything they touch).

• Watching you pig-out on brussel sprouts renews my faith in veganism. (Used with gluttonous green-oriented grunts.)

• Having a super snout is great for digging up the dirt on on the competition. (Used with cosmetically-challeged cartilaginous critters who muck about just for the heck of it).

• My god, you've mastered my favorite word in Piggot's Political Dictionary! (Used with pigs of different political persuasions.)

• Pocco Rosso's my favorite flying pig. (Used with porcine pilot comic book fanatics or those who are allergic to flying cows and flying nuns).

• Please clean-up your pig-pen before you go out and play. (Used with adolscent aardvarks).

• I see you use everything but the squeal. (Used with fussy or thrifty sausage-makers.)

And when all is said and done, never forget that miracles happen every day. So keep your eyes open, because pigs can fly (at least they do in hog heaven) and some of them even been coaxed to turn fluorescent green (when served with ham probably)!

__________

For some super-duper swine swag, check out cafepress.com.

JEST-IN-TIME JANARY

Or, what to do on a breathtakingly boring day...

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees, in polite circles known as the Duchess of Dither, and Lord Earl Craboon, referred to as the Duke of Doorknobs, (a curious couple occupying a sandcastle somewhere in the Queendom of Quaffing & Quipping).


January is a rather bleak, blessedly boring, and some might even go so far as to say a dreadfully dull month.

On the other hand, peculiar people often find delight in all manner of things odd, peculiar, or downright strange. This is why we've spent a good deal of time tracking down some rather unique things to do to lighten one's sagging spirits at this time of year.

For those with short attention spans, tendencies to day dream frequently, or desires that extend beyond watching paint dry, we recommend participating in one of this month's unusual events:

13 Januay - Join the CFB Gagetown Medieval Anachronists' Club's January Feast (with a curry theme). Bring along some festive frippery, merry muskets, and saucy smiles to this ancient occasion being held at Canadian Forces Base Gagetown in Oromocto, New Brunswick (Canada).

19-21 January - Trundle off to Ressurection Bay, Alaska for the annual Polar Bear Jumpoff and Ugly Fish Toss and while you're at it...why not freeze your posterior off at the parade, loose your concentration during the bed-making contest, gladhand your way around the goofy golf tournament or slide your way to success at the ice-bowling championship.

26-28 January - Hop across the pond to Port Lincoln, Australia and join lots of other slippery souls and try your hand at tuna tossing during Tunarama. PS Don't tell "Tony the Tuna" you're coming!

27-28 January - Get yourself in gear, along with 70 other oddballs, for the world famous Swamp Buggy Races held every year in Florida Sports Park's "Sippy Hole".

30 January - Haul out your bagpipes, whip up some haggis, and practice sitting on a thistle, because Scotland is beckoning you! More to the point, The Lerwick Up Helly Aa, Britain's bonfire festival features a torchlight parade, burning of a Viking galley, and a good deal of Scotch whisky flowing into the wee hours of the night!

And for those who like to putz about with nothing in particular to capture their fancy on their peculiar agenda, do drop by Dracula's Castle in Bucharest, Romania. (Note: The capital city in which this pugilistic palace is located was founded by one rather frightening fellow by the name of Vlad the Impaler in 1459. This charming chap later became the inspiration for Bram Stoker's blood-sucking vampire named....you guessed it!)

Cheerio, pip pip, and tah tah from your tippling tour-guides.

_________

For those who can't find enough curious, off-beat, or unusual places and things to do, why not pick up a copy of Eccentric America.

2007 - WILL WONDERS NEVER CEASE

Or, why are we celebrating that?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Piffle at the University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Little Snoring (Norfolk) and Dean-of-Do-Nothing at the International Institute of Irregular Verbs & Dangling Modifers in Yonder Bognie

Google reports that there are a mere 239,000 web pages out of a possible 55 billion devoted to the incomplete phrase "2007 Year of".

Besides that astounding bit of bumpf to brighten one's day, perhaps another perusal of the pages will reveal something even more brilliant to boggle a breathtakingly bored mind.

For those whose brain cells are firing on all cylanders, 2007 is expected to rather remarkable, especially if you wish to join in the following year-long celebrations:

• Year of the BluOnyx - yippee or yowsers that is if you really dig "mobile content servers"



• Year of the Dolphin - of interest to playful Pisceans or those of piscatorial persuasions



• Year of the Food Police - will the flab fighters be welcome in your neighborhood?



• Year of the Goddess - gods will be riding in the backseat this year and don't you forget it!



• Year of the iSlump - you mean to say that podcasting will go poof?



• Year of the Night Sky - time to catch a falling star, put it in your pocket, and save it for a rainy day or join those wicked witches riding on broomsticks for some fun



• Year of the Outdoors - for all those who love the call of nature, frosting rocks, and bogrolls



• Year of the Red Pig - Chinese astrologers however can't guarantee pigs will fly or that piggybanks be full



• Year of Women in Engineering - Another Aussie attempt to make women rule the world



• Year of the Widget - a whoopee moment for digital doodads and domahickies



• Year of Civil Unions - where Glee & Gaiety can finally hook up "downunder"



• Year of the Surf Lifesaver - an Aussie lesson on why it's not wise to swim with sharks



• Year of the Boar/Ding Hai - the long lost animal companion of Miss Piggy



• Year of the Organized Home - a real boon for Clutter Queens & Ripsnorting Recyclers



• Year of the Thin Films - that's great if you like stories with thin plot lines



• Year of the Rumi - pondering pool and think tank enthusiasts will be overjoyed



• Year of the Shawl - a pleasing piece particularly if you're a peek-a-boo person



• Year of the Slappy - a pat on the back for all those gawky gamers no doubt



• Year of the Truck - giddy-up-and-go gas-guzzlers please...take note!

If none of these turn your crank, it might be time to trade in your old jalopy, date a gadfly, consult a guru or another 365 days for a new lease on life.