THIRTEEN THINGS TO DO ON A BORING DAY

Why only 13?...well that's all I could think of nincompoop!


When the world around you seems to be going to hell in a handbasket, or ... you're tired of figuring out whether there's a tiger in the tank of your gas-guzzling SUV, obsessing over your daily intake of calories or hearing your favorite sports team lose yet again, and quite frankly you couldn't give a sweet tweet about what tie or togs to wear...you definitely need help!

So, take my advice, the first thing to do is just toss the little pink, blue, or yellow and green striped pills for the day. (They really don't match your colorless personality anyway)!

Then, turf your frigging "to do" list. (You have far too many things on it for your addled brain to cope with anyway).

Okay, by now you're probably feeling at least 10 pounds lighter (and don't ask me how many kilograms that is). Just trust me or find some other fairy godmother to guide you through the black hole of nothingness that you've managed to make your home for many moons.

Now we come to the fun part, what can be done with the harsh reality of life? How can we overcome the general ennui associated with the thought of another incredibly boring day ahead of you?

Fear not! Take a deep breath. Exhale and let your mind wander into the land of utterly ridiculous thoughts and actions!

1. Write a spunky motto on your mirror with shaving soap, toothpaste or lipstick...the more irreverent the better!

2. Sing a very naughty song at the top of your lungs while taking your morning shower. (If you don't know any saucy songs...just shout out all the four-letter words you know in your vacuous vocabulary.)

3. Lighten up by wearing your clothes inside out or backwards. (If your wardrobe makes you sick, you could always try making paper cut-outs or even going clothing-optional, provided your pets or prudish neighbors don't mind.)

4. Call in to your office or leave a note for family...telling them that you're taking a serendipity sabbatical. (Don't bother trying to explain what it means...you don't know and they don't care...just as long as you promise to show up tomorrow when the stuff hits the fan.)

4. Invent an imaginary scapegoat friend or pathetically pesky pet for the day with whom you can converse and admonish with glee while in the presence of others. (This works well when shopping, taking a coffee break or simply walking down the street...because it's your day to dump on dorks, dingbats, and dweebs!)

5. Go on a water taste-testing day by ordering a single glass of 'aqua viva' in restaurants of your own choosing. (This is a great way to see if your server is hospitable and is in possession of a funnybone. When you have finished your liquid lunch, leave a modest tip and provide the restaurant with a brief evaluation of your taste test on the napkin provided. Be sure to sign it...that way it looks really professional.)

6. Smile, wave enthusiastically to strangers and speak in Pig-Latin to all manner of critters you come across. (Who knows, maybe one of them will be inspired by your brainless droppings and weird antics.)

7. Go to your nearest toy store and take a peek at all the stuff. (Pick up something you can play with for the day...like a water pistol, bubble mix, or a kite kit).

8. Visit your library and ask them if they have any stories about pet rocks, slinkies, silly putty, and hoola hoops. (If they are stymied by your request...go to the children's section, pull a book off the shelf and read it aloud...you're bound to get a crowd!)

9. Show up at your local community centre to register for the International Tiddlywink Tournament. (If they haven't got a clue what you're talking about...offer to organize it and sign up people as they walk in the door. What a great schmoozing opportunity!)

10. Mail a blank piece of paper to a select list of "impossible" people in your life. (It's a wonky way to remind you that it's time to remove them from your Christmas and Valentine card list!)

11. Take a bus ride, admire the scenery and ask the driver and passengers how to climb the Eiffel Tower, locate the leaning Tower of Pisa and find the yellow-brick road to Emerald City. (Don't forget to buy a day-long ticket...heck they might even give you a piece of gum, a bit of candy or some unsolicited advice...just to get rid of you!)

12. Visit your favorite local grocery store and pidgeon hole a bakery clerk. (Then inquire where you can find a "humble pie", what's in it, who makes the best one, and the name of a celebrity, a grand pooh bah, or high muck-a-muck who has actually eaten humble pie successfully).

13. Stand on a street corner with a clip board in hand soliciting signatures for the privitization of public loos. (This will put you in good stead with those who are looking for ways to fix things that aren't broken or create silk purses out of sow's ears).

If at the end of this day, you can remember your name, where you live, and your merry-making mission here on planet earth...consider this day a success. After all, it's not everyone who can "go bonkers" for a day, live to tell their titillating tale, and recommend other jolly-challenged folk (like you) to take this jaunty journey to who knows where.

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If you just adore finding really neat things to do while waiting for Godot to arrive... then just mosey on down to your local toy store and pick up a hilarious new game called, "THINS" (Humor-in-a-Box), or order it on-line at http://www.thingsthegame.com

A FASHION STATEMENT WITH A DIFFERENCE

Or...welcome to "Super"  'Natural'  BC...where different folks with different spokes hang out!

Are things getting slightly out of hand in the Queendom of Quippery? Has everyone gone completely bonkers? What is happening in heartland of political-correctness and prosaic propriety??

Well, it’s amazing what a few environmentally-friendly, bawdy-conscious bikers will do to have some fun...and get on the front page of newspapers around the world. Quite frankly, "Bike to Work Week" will never be the same after these titillating, topless, tenderfoots parade in front of the British Columbia Legislature on June 12th!

Over the next few weeks, a dozen such critical mass events will be held around the globe involving a whole host of ripsnorting rubber rompers for peace and personal development.

Organizers of this first-ever, bear-your-booty bicycle festival say that the “Naked Bike Ride” is designed to “protest oil dependency and celebrate the power and individuality of our bodies”. This inclusive, holistic event welcomes diverse pedal-pushing practitioners such as uninhibited unicyclists, temperate tandem riders, and tawdry tricyclers who wish to share the open-road experience with like-minded folks.

Civic officials indicated that this initiative underlines Victoria's commitment to healthy community values and offers a creative way to keep the homeless happy and engaged in the rich cultural life of this city.

Federal political candidates, (who are used to exercising on jolly-jumpers), say it's now time to explore alternative energy sources such as calorie-burning pedal power to reduce the negative impact of our stick-in-the-mud attitude, fast-food diet, and armchair-focused lifestyle on the already overburdended public health-care system.

The trade and tourism sector has also latched on to this tempting tidbit of street entertainment. The emerging "nature in the raw", adventure-tourism market represents an untapped thong-less consumer segment who are keen to get their hands on those brand-named sneakers, SP-45 sunscreen, micro-filtered/hyper-oxygenated glacier water, and some really comfortable bike seats, if you please.

The only fly in the ointment appears to be a disgruntled group from the local chapter of the Monarchist League of Manners, a noisy gas guzzling coalition of car dealerships and fuel station operators, plus a small number of bareback activists representing the Lady Godiva Collective demanding the right to oranize a spiritually-uplifting equine event along Government Street to celebrate Canada Day.


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For more information, see www.worldnakedbikeride.org.

SLEEPING BEAUTY DOESN'T LIVE HERE...BUT SCALLYWAG DOES!

All You Ever Wanted to Know About Victoria Elizabeth ("The Quipping Queen") But Never Dared to Ask


(NOTE: This bio is designed to be sampled like a smorgasbord...and to be taken with a grain of salt naturally).

Nicknames my parents gave me: “Scallywag” or “Buglugs”
Nickname my sister gave me: “Yahootee”
Nickname employers gave me: “Miss Effie”

Astrological Sign:

The only mysterious magical zodiac-zapper capable of rising from the ashes (like the Phoenix bird) -- a Scorp of course! And, if you’re into Chinese astrology, I’m also a ripsnorting rascal of a rooster or the female version ...a hen if you please.

Favorite Children’s Stories:

“Francis the Talking Mule”, “Pookie Puts the World Right”, “Swiss Family Robinson”, “The Adventures of Freddie the Pig” and “The Great Escape”.

Favorite Heroes/Heroines:

Don Quixote, Zorro, and Prince Valiant; Katherine Hepburn, Deborah Kerr, and the cheeky angel in the Philadelphia cream cheese TV commercial.

Favorite Humorists:

John Cleese, Peter Cook, Dudley Moore, Douglas Adams, Dawn French (The Vicar of Dibley), Robin Williams, George Carlin, Flip Wilson, Jonathan Winters, Tim Conway, and Lily Tomlin.

Favorite Theme Songs:

“The Rubber Tree Plant”, “Dream the Impossible Dream”, “Climb Every Mountain”, and the never-to-be-forgotten merry melody, “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?”


Famous People I Would Like to Invite to a Dinner Party:

Male Guests: Socrates, Voltaire, Jonathan Swift, the Scarlet Pimpernel, Lewis Lapham, Bill Maher, Mike Farrell, Anthony Hopkins. Female Guests: Eleanor Roosevelt, Joan of Arc, Ingrid Bergman, Whoopi Goldberg, Peggy Lee, Mae West and my namesakes - HRHs Elizabeth I and II, plus my namesake Queen Victoria of course.

Really Personal Stuff:

Birth date: Sometime between the twinkle in my father’s Celtic eye and my mother’s experiment with the “rhythm method” and “immaculate conception”

Birthplace: The venerable home to “la poutine”, les Canadiens, and the Expos.

Status: Previously wed-locked, with a flying knight-in-shining- armour for a son who's dedicated to saving damsels-in-distress or watching drama queens pout when their excess baggage will not fit into their designer handbag.

Awards: McLean Method of Writing Certificate (Grade 3), and my "1978 Employment & Immigration Canada Typing Test Result" – a staggering 79 wpm!

What I’ve done to earn my daily ration of 100% whole wheat (brown) bread, Seville orange marmalade, and smooth peanut butter:

Education: (Rum tiddledy pum and all that)

· Enjoyed 12 years as a dedicated “slow-learner” at West Van High School. Known to have suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune from teachers who found my reading comprehension and Math skills somewhat lacking but gave me passing grades anyway because I could draw, play team sports, and shut up in class.

· Obtained a ‘Bafflegabbing Arts’ degree that qualifies me to train trolls, talk to plants and admonish pet-rocks.

Work Experience: (Things that grown-ups do in the real world)

· Part-time youth employment as a Lemonade Sales Rep. (Sold five 8-ounce glasses to three adults and two thirsty pets on a hot summer day – long before we had GST).

· Designer and printer of custom-made greeting cards for folks with fractured funnybones. (Spent a year with oodles of colourful silk-screen paint under my nails).

· Chief Cook and Bottle-Washer at a fishing lodge with a lot of strange-looking bottom-suckers. Later promoted to Camp Counselor where I discovered that not all rattlesnakes, skunks and porcupines live in zoos or pet stores. (Just a few of my “odd” summer jobs enjoyed in the Interior of British Columbia and in Northern California).

· University Administrator (a.k.a. Certified Apple Polisher) who invented “management by smiling” (MBS) and organized fabulous weekly wine-and-cheese parties (called “scientific seminars”) for some very merry misanthropic munchkins.

Self-Employment: (What creative grown-ups do who don't like the view from inside the box)

· Having been scorched by a few fire-breathing dragons in my life, decided to put my moxie maven skills to good use before “Touched by an Angel” was in vogue. My first assignment -- creating “think and doodle” handouts for dorks, dweebs and dingbats.

· With lots of spunk and gumption under my belt, I took on more challenging tasks like writing clear, concise, client reports about as fun to read as the adventures of Dick-and-Jane and their phonetically-challenged animal companions, Puff and Spot.

· Soon learned that clients wanted time honored, well-honed Spanish Inquisition skills to eliminate a plethora of pesky problems rather than waiting for Godot to solve them.

· Offered career-counselling advice to those really keen on exploring questions like: "What’s the name of the elephant sitting in your living room?", "How do you get rid of a bull in a China shop?", "Why is the Spirit of Serendipity always pissing on my parade?", "When is it my turn to be King of the Castle?", "So, where do Superman, Bat Man, Spider Woman, and the Tooth Fairy go for a night off?"

· Currently Dean of Do-This-Do-That at the critically acclaimed Lemming Leadership Institute and guest lecturer on such topics as “Balderdash & Bunkum for Beginners”, “Blissful Blundering”, “Boisterous Botchery”, and “Bungling for Baby-Boomers”.


Humdinger Talents and Hidden Aptitudes:

· Established "contrarianN communicationS", to publish "Pith & Vinegar Times" (a literary laughingstock) and "The Lost Lemon News Service" (a delightful weird news archive). Wrote popular pieces such as, "The Glossary of Glitch" and its companion piece, "The Abridged Version of the Flop Glossary" not to mention a tiny titillating tome entitled, "The Glorious Glossary of SNIT". (Great throne room reading material!)

· Co-produced and wrote original content for a virtually unknown and unlinked amusing little website called ribald-humor.com that received an average of 30,000 hits monthly, (not bad considering we didn’t do a blessed thing to promote it).

· Became a single mother but never lived on welfare or declared bankruptcy. (Now if only I could remember my PIN number and navigate my way through the maze of voice-activated instructions for telephone banking, I’d be a flaming genius).

· Became a substitute teacher and videoconference lecturer without ever having taken an education course. (What else do you do to earn a living in a remote community when it’s 50 below zero in winter and buggy beyond belief during two-weeks of summer)? Produced an education promotion video although I had no experience in script writing or editing. (It went on to become a popular “dead space filler” for a community TV channel). Translated French documents into English even though I had no formal training. (Hmmm…do they have bilingual jobs for baby-boomer bipeds in the federal government yet)? Became a self-taught caricaturist and folk music guitarist, (but don’t ask me to yodel or tell a joke without a teleprompter).

· Organized trade delegations even though I never took a political science course, held a government job, or had any formal event management training. (By the way, I never met a single 'civil servant' who didn't start the day without exercising their snapping, crackling and popping genes!)

· Learned how to use a dull hatchet, pitch a tent during a rain storm, cook without matches, navigate by the stars and a compass (GPS hadn’t been invented yet), and last but not least…straddle and squat to relieve myself without splashing my legs or sneakers. (For heaven’s sake, please don’t ask me to change a tire, cook a gourmet meal for 10 on the barbecue, or decorate a Victorian commode like Martha Stewart).

· Known to get lost in the clouds while singing a diverse repertoire of gleeful tunes during my morning shower; (I’ve had rave reviews from neighbors to prove it!).

Motto:

Be true to yourself and laugh a little every day. Remember the old adage, "Behind every wet blanket lies an incontinent universe". So, if you missed a ride on Noah's Ark, you can always count on a politician, preacher, pundit, or public relations professional to have a bumbershoot, a pair of hip waders, plus a genie in a bottle hiding somewhere in their magic bag of goodies.

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TA DAH! ... "The Quipping Queen (grab your specs and take a peek) --
http://www.flickr.com/photos/quippingqueen/

WHAT IT MEANS TO ME TO BE A CANADIAN

Frankly, it's about time we find out what makes us tick...other than hockey, more hockey and lots of belching beer drinkers!


1. Only a Canadian inquires politely about the rules of play in the sandbox and decides, (after a rigorous policy analysis and a public consultation process), that it’s prudent to offer a government-sponsored skills training program on how to build sandcastles in the air to temporarily-displaced “yes” people of merit with diverse learning styles who are also team players and enthusiastically committed to the principles of social justice, transparency and accountability in the workplace.

2. Only a Canadian travels abroad with a regulation size/weight suitcase or a carry-on item tagged with a modestly displayed red-and-white maple leaf.

3. Only a “Canuck” has figured out that the best game strategy on any ice is to skate around every issue and to pass the buck whenever possible.

4. Only a Canadian wears a “tuque” in winter, microwaves a frozen “tortiere”, and knows that every francophone person of snow is called “Bonhomme”.

5. Only a Canadian knows that Santa Claus, Sasquatch, and the co-creator of Superman deserve credit for making “the True North Strong and Free”.

6. Only a Canadian could create nonsensical mind games like “Balderdash”, “Pictionary” and “Trivial Pursuit” to kill time while waiting for Godot.

7. Only a Canadian with compassion builds affordable housing financed by taxpayers to accommodate a fixed-income, generously-proportioned, hirsute, Ho-Ho-Ho-ing senior wearing a tight-fitting crimson tunic and living in a sleigh with a red-nosed ungulate called Rudolph plus four bell-ringing equity employment applicants named Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Blitzen!

8. Only a Canadian feels safe and secure knowing the total number of sunny days recorded per month, the UV index rating, any wind-chill or gale force wind warnings and, last but not least, the daily summer mosquitoe count.

9. Only a Canadian understands that ‘better gnomes and gardens’ is simply green-thumb code for a powerful plot with lots of wonder-weeders.

10. Only a Canadian invents ingenious fashion-industry staples such as the zipper and Velcro --- but doesn’t guarantee the folly of a fly in the hands of a fool.

11. Only a Canadian could create a mushy meal called Pabulum to keep toothless types udderly satisfied while milking the rest of us for millions of dollars.

12. Only a Canadian could create a special spirit called rye, a unique whet-your-whistle Newfie Screech, and the world’s only tuck-in-handles beer carton.

13. Only a Canadian understands how to cash in on oodles of ice and white flakes by designing the world's first snowblower, snowmobile, and Zamboni.

14. Only a Canadian appreciates how a mouse might feel waking up one day beside a paranoid elephant who’s taken over the living room, moved the cheese, installed surveillance cameras, motion detectors and zapping devices, not to mention cleaned out the beer fridge including the last slice of pizza.

15. Only a Canadian conjures up quirky placenames to entice tourists to pop in and take a peek at the folks in Fanny Bay (BC), Sexsmith (AB), Climax (SK), Dropmore (MB), Camelot Beach (ON), Dixville (QC), Peel (NB), Grosses Coques (NS), Kinkora (PE), Dildo, (NF) and Tuktoyaktuk (north of 60o).

16. Only a Canadian knows that “peace, order, and good government” means no pushing or shoving in school yards or grocery lineups, no trespassing on grass marked “keep off”, and finding a qualified political candidate who doesn’t live in a glass house, has publicly sworn off booze, cigarettes, and happy pills for life not to mention condemned the indiscriminate use of sling-shots.

17. Only a Canadian with an eccentric, enterprising mind could dream up ways to decorate a pair of rubber boots and then sell them at a premium to foreigners who’ve been forewarned about the dangers of cow pies, buffalo chips, goose droppings, seagull poop and doggie doo dah in pristine parks and public places.

18. Only a Canadian is proud of the fact that Vegreville, Alberta is home to the world’s largest Easter Egg (9m high), that St. George Street in St. John’s, Newfoundland has the longest bar crawl on the planet (187 taverns at last count), and that we live in a diverse, tolerant, secular society where a bible store and a strip club can exist side by side as they do in North Bay, Ontario.

19. Only a Canadian knows why we add “eh” at the end of every sentence -- to keep the myth alive that a lumberjack in a plaid shirt, sipping on maple syrup in a log cabin in the woods, is behind every blinking screw-up in the country.

20. Only a Canadian knows that laughter is the best medicine; that’s why we export lots of comedians and healers to the USA just to ensure that the Americans keep splitting their sides, falling out of their chairs, and off our blessed backs for a while!

THE QUIPPING QUEEN GOES KERPLOP!

Just Humor Me a Little Will You...Or I Shall Not Be Amused!


Being a Scorpio lass with Celtic roots and a contrarian sense of humor residing on a prominent island (and former British colony) in the Pacific ocean, I decided to install myself on a throne.

After all, what does one do with two given names like "Victoria" and "Elizabeth" except give oneself a few royal airs. Hence my moniker, The Quipping Queen.

Every now and then, when the spirit of serendipity strikes me, I shall be making a few royal observations about life not to mention the odd proclamation or two just to practice my benovolent "leadership" skills.

In case you're wondering where "The King of the Castle" is...quite frankly I don't know. A few years back, if I recall, perhaps during a mid-life crisis moment, he decided to join the Knights of the Rectangular Table (KORT) so he could practice his damsels-in-distress life-saving skills, obtain a tittilatingly trivial title after his name plus a gaudy glass-framed "Certificate in Chivalry" from the Royal Institute of Very Important Stuff.

Anyway, do stay tuned to this blogging channel for late-breaking news from Neither-Here-Nor-There-Land, and its ripsnorting ruler..."The Quipping Queen" (of Quidnuncs).

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