THINGS PERFECTLY NORMAL BEASTS DO

Or... just what is a "Perfectly Normal Beast" anyway?

It's amazing what "Perfectly Normal Beasts" will do in a pinch. Being a "Beast" is one thing, but being a "Perfectly Normal Beast" is quite another.

And being a Perfectly Normal Beast in a pinch, well that's a fate worse than death (especially if hunter-matadors are involved).

Now, if you're the least bit curious about "Life, the Universe and Everything" (including a blessed Bob-fearing planet that shall remain nameless), then you probably know all about Perfectly Normal Beasts.

But, if you've never hazarded a guess about Life, the Universe and Everything and are slightly overwhelmed by such an XL-thought, fear not.

If lost ...then follow these simple instructions:

The following list will help you to navigate the very first stage of this protracted process called, "Discovering Life, the Universe and Everything".

Take a deep breath, think nice thoughts, and follow these instructions (remember -- no ands, ifs, or buts).

Ahem! May I have your attention please!! LISTEN UP TWATS!!! Enough with the tah tah, tally ho, pip pip and all that ... just work with me people and:

(a) show up at any airport,

(b) bring along your passport and a small bag (that you've packed yourself naturally) and,

(c) obtain a boarding pass for the next "Flight of Fancy" (departing whenever enough folks like you show up to take it for goodness sake).

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

Getting back to Perfectly Normal Beasts -- (PNBs for short) -- and the perfectly normal things that they do.

Well for starters, you'll know when you've run into them if they:

(1) appear to be huge, hot, and heaving hoofers (that you've never set eyes upon in a petting zoo or better yet, nor been accosted by them in a dank, dark, and dreary alleyway -- now thank your lucky stars and hustle out of there licketysplit!)

(2) are hanging out in herds on the back nine -- far removed from hunter-matadors (swinging their golf clubs ... just what else would they be swinging!)

(3) seem to be galloping at full speed toward you

(4) are doing a lot of snorting, panting, sweating and sniffing stuff (while galloping at full speed toward you)

(5) occasionally are found breaking wind with ease (incidentally, some fetid-oriented folk consider them a "bullish" sort of investment opportunity)

(6) are known to enjoy lumbering forward with little momentum when happy (or perhaps sick in their tummies from eating far too many hunter-matadors)

(7) are compatible with "one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people-eaters" (although no one can remember their Latin name, let alone their nickname)

(8) are lurching up off their knees and standing, swaying ever so gayly and giddyly (especially if they've had one too many whiffs of grass)

(9) get a tad crimson in the neck (because they simply can't abide being called, "perky", "cute" or heaven forbid, "bellicose") and

(10) show no remorse about thundering around the universe and scaring the pikka birds half to death, hurtling hunting-matadors all over the place, and then galloping off into nothingness or vanishing into thin air (whichever comes first).

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For more information about Pefectly Normal Beasts, please read Mostly Harmless (by the late, great British humorist, Douglas Adams). Bibliophiles who adore his works might want to pay a visit to the following websites:

* The Official Douglas Adams site -- http://www.douglasadams.com

* The BBC's Unconventinal Guide to Life, the Universe & Everything --http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2

* A blog about the Hitchhiker's Guide screenplay -- (http://hitchhikers.movies.go.com/hitchblog/interview.htm

For those wishing to know more about Perfectly Normal Beasts, check out the paltry 200 website listings devoted to this somewhat obscure topic (according to the gigantic Google Guessing Gizmo http://www.google.com).

Just in case you need some mighty fine "Night Vision Devices" so as to avoid those sometimes pesky "Pefectly Normal Beasts", check out http://www.backcountrytoys.com (And don't forget to tell Chuck that I sent you!).

And, last but not least...for those of you wanting to know more about "The Evolution of Man - The History of Hunting", or how to "Be the hunter, not the hunted -- hunting safety tips everyone should know", please visit Rebecca Blain's website http://www.discount-hunting-supplies-and-tips.com/turkey-hunting-supplies.html. She's a professional writer and hobbyist -- her work is worth taking a wee peek at (especially if you're an earth-bound, turkey-hunting-matador).

THINGS CALLED "F..F...F....FEELINGS"

Or …let your big, beautiful button say it all!


I saw a poster on the wall of a kindergarten the other day. So I stopped and pondered.

The poster displayed the cartoon faces of fourteen fearless little munchkins. Each face conveyed different “feelings”…you know the familiar ones like embarrassment, guilt, and joy. Hmmm…I noticed, the poster publishers left out “calm”, “clueless”, and “cogitating”, I wonder why?

Come to think of it, if most kids can’t read the captions, let alone each other, why put up the poster? Okay, so maybe it's just the teacher’s “cheat sheet”. Guess that's the only way to spot those “testy feelings” in tikes before they resort to spunky "sit-in" tactics to spice up an otherwise boring “show and tell” class.

Anyway, since adults are embarrassed about affixing anything to their walls except degrees and diplomas, this poster is definitely out. Wearing a button on one's breast or bosom looks like the best option to get one's "feelings" across to paramours, plebes or potentates.

What to do with "feelings" ...(assuming they're not all hanging out like laundry on the line for everyone to see, or else hanging on for dear life to a wall poster)?

Frankly, wearing a button is necessary -- especially if you're dressing for success! Just watch out for those bold, bright or blinky ones -- they look incredibly dorky.

Besides on Casual Friday, looking "cool" to “care bears”…like significant others, colleagues, and bosses is the name of the game. Alas, the "aliens" (affectionately called "customers" and "clients") know they wouldn't be caught dead wearing a button, so you must be a tosspot, a troll, or just a twerp.

Lose the smiley face. And forget emoticons -- most were designed by dweebs who don't have a life anyway! So, put on your dancing shoes or spurs -- it's "attitude time" at the OK corral!


Button Button, Where's that Blessed Button...?

Instead of letting your flaky, floppy, or flummoxed "feelings" all hang out -- just get a blooming big button that blurts out just where you stand on life, the universe, and everthing! Don't leave your friends and foes guessing.

Adding a bit of flair, fun and frolic to your discombulated diva day or your dunce-worthy week is just what the doctor ordered!. And, you'll be tickled pink with the results -- I guarantee it!

Oh and by the way, if you're the shy, retiring type -- try on a few of the witty, winsome words below. You'll spruce up that breathtakingly boring button collection of your's in no time flat!

• Approach. Bow and Scrape. State Your Business.

• Are you reading my button or are you just bedazzled by my beauty?

• Blithering Genius at Work.

• Warning: You Have Entered A Tact-Free Zone!

• Verbally-challenged vixen at your service!

• Headcheese from Heck

• I’m the Imp of Perversity – knowing this won’t help you either.

• Chaos, Panic, Disorder – My Work is Done!

• Experiencing Ennui Naturally.

• Meandering to a Different Drummer.

• Runs With Scissors & Walks on Water

• Vampire Support Counsellor

• Free Roaming Agent of Calamity

• Beware: Shy Rights Activist On The Loose!

• Call Me “Bluetooth Babe” - Your Wireless Wonder Wench!

• Warning: Whimsical When Winging It

• Sacred Cows Make Divine Burgers

• Just call me "Radical Reference Librarian"!

• Cute -- I Can Do Cute; But Perky -- Forget It!

• “We are not amused.” (Attributed to Queen Victoria.)

• “It is only trifles that irritate my nerves.” (Queen Victoria.)
  
  __________
  
  For those of you who are at a loss for words, have't been visited by the Spirit of Serendipity of, or haven't a clue what to put on your button -- try visiting some interesting websites:

• "Word Lab" http://www.word-lab.com
• "Snapdragon Gifts" online at http://www.snapdragongifts.com
• or visit one of my "fav" funnymen, George Carlin http://www.georgecarlin.com
  
  
  
  

YOUR HAIKU ERROR MESSAGES FOR THE DAY

Or, where oh where has my -- frigging file gone -- welcome to Windows.

While many disparage the advent of glitches in our wired world, the only way to find solace and sanity is to return to the ancient teachings.

"Haiku", (a Japanese style of poetry), offers readers a way to experience the daily dilemmas of our digital community from a novel perspective.

So, for those of you who have no intention of going back in time or, unearthing the gold-leaf tomes in your basement, just tune in to the Happy Haiku Harridan for your daily dose of wonky wisdom.

Below are a few little gems by anonymous authors. I’ve also added a few of my own for good measure.

1. The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.

2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.

4. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.

8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

9. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?

10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.

12. Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.

13. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.

14. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

15. Silence. A strangled modem forgets -- that it should blink.

16. Behold the ego. It sits in glowing emptiness. Cursor be damned!

17. A dingbat flaps. Windows is crashing. Oh what a pity.

18. Dead PCs. Cube farms empty. Have you called 911 yet?

19. Morning spam. Harbinger of good and ill. "Norton" nixed them all!

20. He says a word. And I say a word. Upgrade chat to phrases.

21. Faceless 404 again. Lone pixel in the bit map. Welcome to 'Geekville'.

22. Oh the winds that blow - can you ask them - which file is next to go?

23. Alone, on the web. Where to now? Who moved my e-cheese?

24. A lightening flash across your screen. Windows closes. Dial 411 for Godot.

25. For love and for hate, I trap a bug. And offer it to Bill.

26. A golden bug. I hurl it into the darkness. Is "McAfee" working?

27. A dead Trojan Horse. And yet, isn’t there something remaining in it?

28. Adjust your browser. Sorry, settings are gone. Try another universe!

29. Darkened screens - become modern grapes of wrath - reaping bitter whine.

30. On my screen, the frigging fish tank. Is that Tony Tuna I see?


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NOTE: These one-line-wonders adhere to well-established politically-correct plain language policies, comply with all equal opportunity humor legislation, and subscribe to the “best practices” embodied in the Safe Chortling Code of Conduct for Geeks, Nerds, and Dweebs.

For more information on weatherpixies, please visit: www.weatherpixie.com. Installing atmospheric icons will ensure the safety of all garden gnomes from the Norse God of Thunder 'Thor' -- "A Disaster Dude" if ever there was one ...known to fry computers and plants with alacrity and equanimity.

For a links to other interesting blogs on the Net check out "Blogstreet":

THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT

Or…exactly where are those blinking bats in the belfry?

While I was sitting quietly in my throne room this morning at my Palace on Dallas in beautiful downtown Victoria, British Columbia, Canada (a quaint, quirky colonial outpost right smack dab on the San Andreas fault line), my mind began to wander and ponder.

Of course when you’re waiting for “big things” to happen or, ...patiently standing on one foot for your ship to arrive at the bus station, or heaven forbid ...lollygagging about because Godot hasn’t turned up yet to give you a reason for being -- something odd is bound to happen. Don’t ask me why, it just does.

Which brings me to the random topic of “things that go bump in the night” (TTGBIT). Not being the quivering or querulous sort, I decided to inquire further into the wonderful world of TTGBIT.

However, when I typed www.things-that-go-bump-in-the-night.com into my web browser, I landed on something called “bravepages”. Expecting to meet Robin Hood, the Red Dwarf or maybe my favorite white-haired classic TV-Western film star, Hop-a-long Cassidy and his colleague “The Cisco Kid”, to my dismay I received a rather strange invitation to sign up for a free website -- not quite what I was expecting, -- but nevertheless an “awesome” experience, as the younger generation would say.

Ever the inquisitive type, I now have only 42,300 websites to wade through according to the folks at www.google.com/. What a perfect project for the “Empress of Everything” to undertake instead of the usual royal duties such as proffering pithyless proclamations, knighting every knave in the realm, or taking the wretched Corgis for a walk.

So, in case you’re wondering about some of the silly stuff that popped up under the category “things that go bump in the night”, here are a few:

· Aliens, witches, and other creatures lurking around every corner
· The worry zone
· An audio accessory available from bigfishstudio.com
· A ring tone for Nokia/Samsung mobile phones
· Misplaced watchdog timers and unexplained error codes
· A drinking story and other campfire delights
· Ominous looking weather
· Name of a badass chick net community
· Humorous historical romance novel
· Herds of children running through the house
· Name of a hard metal rock band
· Halloween spooky screen saver
· The reason behind a daily devotional
· A fantasy and science fiction convention – the key to three women’s destinies
· An American-made circa 1989 detective film/crime thriller
· A technology solution for an MS practitioner
· The subject of a Unitarian Church sermon
· Name of a children’s horror book
· A special lodging package including a Horse-Drawn Wagon ride
· A discount store news item featuring a crypt
· Strange sound made by a barbecue grill right outside a computer room window
· Name of a Paranormal Database Record, far more engaging than the proverbial “404” message
· The Vampire Support page
· A Tasmanian Forestry feature
· An exploration of Grey and Gothic literature (UBC)
· Noisy nooky-makers
· Name of a CD music sampler, better than “Ho-Hum”
· Contents of a Scottish Prayer “When the Whole Earth was Overrun with Ghosts”
· What “beast” (big thing) do you want to study or evaluate, and why?
· Raw sockets, Neohapsis and NTBugtraqs

BTW, if you want to more ...please do check out the remaining 42,269 web pages and email me at quippingqueen@yahoo.com with your fabulous finds!

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For those who want to know where to get the best gall darned "Night Vision Devices" and other gadgets ...check out http://www.backcountrytoys.com (And, don't forget to tell them how you got to their special store and why you're shopping there... so you can find all manner of gizmos to avoid "things that go bump in the night", naturally)!

And, for those of you interested in learning more about one of my favorite haunts, "The Centre for the Incredibly Bored" (a wonderful wonky spot that exists to provide all manner of useless diversions to keep one thoroughly occupied for the foreseeable future) visit "The Restless Mouse at http://www.therestlessmouse.com

THINGS THAT COME OUT OF THE MOUTHES OF MUNCHKINS

Or… did you hear that?

Things that come out of the mouth of munchkins is a rather interesting topic. Let's see, there's all manner of found objects like cigarette butts and half-consumed creepy critters not to mention splatter-inspired recipies including cereal, strained veggies, or fruit juice. Hmmm... there are also words that you hadn't a clue your tiny tot even knew.

"Little nippers", (as my Dad used to call kids under the age of six), have a wonderful way of babbling unabashedly on about things overheard in adult conversation. Come to think of it, my grandfather had his own "house rule" -- “children should be seen and not heard”. No wonder he hated Dr. Spock (not the 'space cadet'). And, he didn't give a sweet petootie about Dale Carnegie (the fellow whose claim to fame was telling everyone "how to win friends and influence people").

So, you can imagine what happened when three generations of our family got together. Each one wanted to play "show and tell", hog the limelight, or just barge right in and blurt out the first blessed thing that came to mind.

Some of the best darned zingers I know are those that come out of the mouths of babes. They're uttered quite innocently, if not unexpectedly, to the great chagrin of grownups within earshot.

Here are a few to tickle your funnybone. Oh and by the way, if nothing strikes your fancy, feel free to listen in on the next adult conversation and just repeat the juicy snippets (just like kids do).

-- "Daddy, is that the fat lady you don’t like?"

-- "Um, I need to unplug for a while. "

-- "Mummy, why is Daddy walking around in circles?"

-- "This isn’t exactly what I had in mind, snookums."

-- "I wouldn’t be caught dead in THAT outfit!"

-- "Don’t even think of it!"

-- "OK, I want you two back home by 10 p.m. or I’m sending the posse out after you."

-- "Trust me Linda… an extreme makeover won’t do a thing for your flat bottom."

-- "Listen up Pops, that won’t cut it!"

-- "Not tonight dear."

-- "Okay Princess, I know I’m a little late … . "

-- "So smarty-pants... where are my Depends?"

-- "Look Daddy, she’s spitting tacks!"

-- "Yo there Frodo ... can you spare me a dime?"

-- "Of course I know where I’m going honeybun!"

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And if you'd like to read some loopy lullabies -- or give something to a couple of eccentric parents -- take a peek at Lisa Ann Marsoli and Vickey Bolling's little gems (all available at your favorite on-line store http://www.amazon.com -- Jack & Jill's Spills -- Humpty Dumpty: All Cracked Up! -- HoneyBunch: A Keepsake Storybook of the Funny Names Moms & Dads Call Their Babies.

THINGS YOU PROBABLY WON'T FIND ON MARS

Or, please refer to page 42 of "The Unconventional Guide to Life, the Universe & Everything"

Well, I suppose we should all be "happier than a pig in a poke". Why? Well 2004 marks the first time a man-made object has landed on Mars. Let's see, at last count there were at least two charming little robots (from the Land of Stars and Stripes naturally) putzing about the surface of the "Red Planet".

And, if I'm not mistaken, Mars is also home to some space junk including two deader-than-a-doornail non-entities (hailing from somewhere that shall remain nameless). At last report, the Dudley-Do-Little-Devices crash-landed who knows where on the Red Planet.

Since we haven't located the "Lost and Found" on Mars yet, we haven't got a clue if the devices are lost or whether they're just hiding. Since no Martians turned up to greet us let alone give us the coordinates of the Lost & Found, the voyageurs from Earth have been caught between a rock and a hard place as it were. Okay, so maybe the Martians were busy the day we arrived, or possibly they lost their maps to the Lost & Found. Oh well, no matter, who cares ... onto more pressing news.

After the first televised glimpse of the Mars landscape, to tell you the truth, my mind began to ponder and then it wandered off on a very long tangent. That often happens when it's been a slow news day, a sluggish news week or sometimes even a slothful news month.

I don't know about you, but frankly I got a tad bored looking at red rocks (on the bottom of a crater floor), more rusty rocks (on the frigging flatlands) and a black void of nothingness as far as the eye could see. Let's face it... unless you're really into red rocks, there's not a whole lot going for for Mars.

So, where's the "Red Dwarf"? That's what I want to know. After all, why did man set out on this galactic adventure if he didn't have a mission to find the little fellow. (Shy you say, well I'd say he's probably just tucked away somewhere in this color-coordinated place ...you would think.)

After pondering and even more pondering (because I had nothing pressing on my never-ending "to-do" list), I began to think of things you might find on Mars. The list was really short. So I came up with something better, "things you probably won't find on Mars".

Here are a few things I came up with in the ten minutes allocated to this priority task, (ranked no. 13 on my "to-do" list today). Now remember, it's neither a definitive nor an exhaustive list...but it's a good first attempt.

By the way, feel free to add to my list if you want. After all, it's not like there's someone out there with a franchise on the truth who's going to tell you, you're wrong. Trust me on this one! So why not toss your togs and your thinking cap along your blessed beliefs. Now listen up... join the other tikes in the sandbox...wiggle your toes ... and let go your nightmares for pete's sake!


** Waterclosets, Loos and Tinkle-Pantries. (Since there's no H2O here to make them work, there's not a lot of demand for them. The bad news is visitors will have to wear bloopy space suits equipped with compact wonder-waste baggies around their navels. So, suck it up all you Trekkies! Oh, and by the way, who said Mars was a five-star destination resort anyway?)

** Spinach, beans, and green garbage bags. (That means you won't find Popeye, the Jolly Green Giant or the Man from Glad. Now isn't that a relief!)

** Wal-Mart, Home-Depot, and the Golden Arches. (They're still scrapping over who gets to play "King of the Castle" back on Earth and besides, they really don't give a sweet tweet about a vertically-challenged dude named "Red Dwarf" or a bunch of red rocks for that matter.)

**Trees. (Okay, so there's no low-hanging fruit let alone a place for money to grow on. Not good news for award-winning fruitcake-makers or whackers of the world who want to chop things down and make stuff like toothpicks, chopsticks and ready-to-assemble doll-house furniture.)

**Monarchs, Misfits and Mystics. (Without throne rooms, monarchs won't have a place to sit upon; no bars or slot machines means that hustlers and lounge lizards won't have a place to meet and greet; and in the absence of live bait, mystics won't be able to win friends and influence lost souls. Sometimes life just sucks, especially if one lives on Mars!)

**Perfectly Normal Beasts. (Large, spotted, charging sort of succulent, sweet-flavored, tender hoofed animals that are safe to skewer over a barbecue; a cross between a cow, a bull and a kind of buffalo -- only hairless, you know the ones that gallump and grovel about on the back nine in the springtime and then disappear into the sunset in the fall. Don't ask me why they do that, they just do.)

** Women from Venus. (Without any men on Mars, there’s not a hope in hell that any women from Venus would be dumb enough to waste a trip to a pathetic planet full of red rocks ruled by a duffus named “Red Dwarf”.)

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For further information on the elusive "Red Dwarf" please check out: http://www.reddwarf.co.uk

For all manner of important, significant and really vital stuff you should know, please refer to the "Unconventional Guide to Life, the Universe & Everything" at http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/

THINGS YOU WON'T FIND ON PRODUCT LABELS

Or, "mostly harmless unless ingested, inhaled, or inflated."

Today, our lives are filled with all manner of gadgets, gizmos and convenience goods. They're usually shipped in a tamper-proof, blister-packed, shrink-wrapped state not to mention bagged, bottled, or boxed in order to guarantee our safety but rarely our sanity.

So, where are the instructions on how to open the blessed stuff without pulling one's hair out, throwing a temper tantrum while trying to assemble Humpty-Dumpty, or operating the cutting-edge widget without losing one's few remaining marbles or fingers?

Product manufacturers have tried to solve these vexing dilemmas by providing timely, relevant and easy-to-understand information to their perplexed customers. They do so to jolly along unsuspecting folk before the flipping thing either breaks down, or the universe collapses (whichever comes first).

That's why product labeling was invented. Labeling only works however when consumers want to read the bumpf, have the patience to wade through the hieroglyphics and, last but not least, feel compelled to follow the blinking instructions.

So, just to add confusion to the chaos already floating around in the universe (of all things great and small naturally), here are a few lovely lines you probably won't find on product labels any time soon.

-- Beware of killer dust-bunnies and one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people eaters!

-- If all else fails, just call a Duct Tape guy to fix your mother-in-law's priceless Ming vase (now in a thousand pretty picayune porcelain pieces).

-- Pretend "it" never happened.

-- Built for life on Arkintoofle Minor* (or some other backwater part of the Galaxy).

-- Time-travelers such as seers, soothsayers and lost souls will love this frequent flyer carpet service.

-- This eat-and-run item is designed for prophets, poets, or philosophers who are completely incapable of coming up with a recipe let alone cooking for themselves.

-- Highly recommended for those who like to eat stuff off something while sitting on a rock and staring blankly into space before the game of life is over or the Trolls win.

-- This device comes with a wireless advice service. Dial 1-800-RU-CRAZY -- for help.

-- This product contains no sparkly ingredients of interest to TV shopping channel Bimbos.

-- Note: Our warranty does not cover "things that go bump in the night".

-- Please press #9 on your Personal Organizer Device (POD) keypad for the Mobile Twaddle Translation Service (MTTS) to decipher error message 514 generated by the All-Seeing-All-Knowing Windowless Operating System (ASAKWOS) pre-installed on your Personal Computer (PC) -- available from the Do-It-Depot (DID) for the unbelievably low price of (CAN) 81 cents a day, plus taxes (GST/PST) together with shipping and handling charges.

-- Our prestigious product line of rose-colored glasses comes highly recommended by short-sighted bean counters the world over.

-- Don't even ask (and avoid further aggravation).

-- Warning: Flatulators should operate this device up wind of any living organisms.

-- Besides working wonders on toilet bowls, removing rust spots on chrome car bumpers, and dissolving grease from clothing, this tasty beverage snaps, crackles and pops all by itself.

-- Should this product ooze, glop, or form a gooey mess, it's time to replace it.

-- This product is not recommended for those who cannot operate a toaster, make a sandwich, or hum quietly "Koombyah" by themselves.

-- If in doubt, just bury the whole thing.

-- The "Probability of Finding the Correct Key Wizard" is appropriate for dweebs, dingbats or dorks. Note: Ding-a-lings (a.k.a. those who can't find the "exit" key) should probably just hold onto their mouse ...maybe the Big Kahuna will take pity on them and answer their undeniably dumb questions.


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*The author is indebted to the late Douglas Adams for contributing this vital piece of galactic trivia found on page 1 of his fifth book (...in the increasingly inaccurately named Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy) entitled, Mostly Harmless, published in 1992 in London, England by William Heinemann Ltd.

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A DAMSEL-IN-DISTRESS

Of course I love your flapping tail, flared nostrils and firey personality ...Dragon Lady!

My son, the Saggitarian archer, has always enjoyed saving damsels-in-distress when he's not busy keeping his head in the clouds (as a pilot). Let's face it, he simply adores adventure ... as long he gets to play Cupid or Prince Charming and doesn't have to ride horseback or slay a slew of fire-belching dragons.

If I recall, the world's best fairy tales seem to revolve around a humungous hero offing all the bad dudes and promising the mousy maven a positive outcome like "we'll be joined at the hip soon dear and then we'll live happily ever after".

Which brings me to why it’s important for males to think twice before blurting out the first thing that comes to mind when dealing with a damsel-in-distress. Let's face it, it’s a tad difficult to extract a foot after it has been firmly planted in one’s mouth. And, spending a month or two in the dog house probably wouldn’t be too much fun unless one's name is “Fido”.

So, before responding to a 911 call from a damsel-in-the-dungeon, here are a few things Prince Charming might wish to avoid saying if he values his title and place at the head table of The Carpet Knights.

-- Get a grip there Princess, I told you there's no Cookie Monster under the bed!

-- Cross-dressing isn’t a disease, it’s what I like to do on my night off.

-- I know it's late honey ... but after signing up for 25 taste tests at the pub tonight, a pit bull barfly ate my frequent flyer card, the servers worked to rule, and my designated driver had a flat tire!

-- I brought you warm milk, ginger snaps and read you a bedtime story … now it’s your turn to scratch my back, rub my toes, and blow in my ear.

-- Of course I love alternative fairy tales, just not the one about King Kong Going Bonkers, Jack the Ripper and the Beanstock, or the Jolly-Challenged Green Giant!

-- Do you think Tarzan enrolled in a bungy-jumping course before he became a swinger?

-- Look honeybun, of course I know where I'm going, so just sit back and enjoy yourself in the backseat, 'cause we're taking the all-expense paid scenic route to our destination tonight!

-- Okay, so I don’t jump tall buildings, walk on water or bite bullets …truth is I’m still waiting to be touched by an angel.

-- Just ‘cause I like hanging out with Big Bird and the Teletubbies doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate grown-ups like you.

-- Yo there "Mother Hubbard", I’ve always admired your skill in domestic affairs …so could ya bring me a bowl of pretzels and a cold one babe.

-- If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, I think I’ll join man’s best friend and live on Pluto thanks.

-- Sir Galahad, Robin Hood, and Zorro are all busy tonight, so how about playing a game of tiddlywinks with me.

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And, if you've got some spare time on your hands while camping out in the doghouse or contemplating the joy of responding to your next 911 damsel-in-distress call, do drop by one of my favorite spots on the net, Rudy Rucker's, "directory of wonderful things" at http://www.boingboing.net

THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T SAY TO A HOUSE GUEST

Or, the fine art of being crass when it really counts!

I don't know about you but house guests are lot like plants. No matter how hard you try, there will always be at least one onion that adores plopping down in your petunia patch.

You can try talking to your pesky plant (about the advantages of repotting), but if "it" remains oblivious to your subtle hints to find a greener pasture elsewhere, stop fretting. No need to push the panic button or let your hair stand on end. Just pickle your potty plant and be done with it!

In case you're wondering what to say under the circumstances, here are a few rollicking retorts designed to solve your dilemma.

1. "I can't believe it's been 7 weeks since you landed on our doorstep asking for advice, warmth, and compassion ...but now it's time for Tarzan to take a swinging vine back to Jane and the jungle-bunnies!"

2. "We padlocked the beer fridge, cut off your supply of pretzels and peanuts, and enrolled you in the next obedience dog training class...but that's just for starters!"

3. "The good news is you won a prize ... the bad news is ...you leave tomorrow morning on a year-long scholarship to the Kalahari Typing School for Men."

4. "You've heard of people living in a fool's paradise -- well we couldn't find a Dunce cap, so we bought a pointy black hat, a black cape and a pair of wellyboots and then signed you up for a hooked-nose makeover with the Wizardess of Oz from next door."

5. "If you insist on eating takeout burgers and supersize fries at every meal, the least we can do is warn you about the dangers of BSE, chronic wasting disease, and of course, my all time favorite...hoof and mouth disease!"

6. "Mother Goose, the Tooth Fairy and The Great Pumpkin have no job openings. But, Hades is hiring fallen angels, so we put your name down for an interview with the Devil on the stroke of midnight tonight...congratulations!"

7. "There's no more toilet paper! So just suck it up, use a leaf, or try on those designer disposable diapers for goodness sake!!"

8. "The two best exercises in the world are making love and kicking butt...you fall into the last category, so bend over 'cause I can hardly wait to send you flying!"

9. "If home is where the heart is, be a dear and peel me a bunch of grapes!"

10. "We're not part of the 500 channel universe yet but maybe you can find what you're looking for using rabbit ears?"

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Note: The author states unequivocally that he/she assumes no liability for the intended or unintended consequences of using the colorful phrases mentioned above. For best results, readers are advised to consult with a member of the Wicked Witch Collective, a pest control specialist or a certified organic farmer before taking action to remove any suspicious things growing in your well-manicured garden.

GIFT HORSES, HOBBY HORSES, NO-NAME HORSES AND DEAD HORSES

Or, what can be done with ugly, unusual, useless, or unresponsive ungulate?

There will come a day when the Spirit of Serendipity decides to leave an unexpected gift of questionable value at your front door.

By the way, this has nothing to do with the last time a spunky stork stopped by with a non-refundable gift coupon you couldn't unload on your next-door neighbor (the witless wench married to the weird wordmonger), your flat-footed first cousin (The Dweeb), or the dang Ding-Dong Lady (with yet another magazine subscription you really don't need).

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes ... horses. Well, they come in different shapes and sizes. Most have four legs. There is however no widely accepted one-size-fits-all category for these unfamiliar if not pleasant oddities. So, here's my advice for those with nothing better to do than carp on about the ugly, unusual, useless, or unresponsive ungulate gifts they've received of late.

1. Smile, say thank you, and then stuff "it" in the nearest closet after the gift-giver leaves. If you sock "it" away in the attic, you can probably forget about "it" until you sell the house. By then, "it" will become someone else's problem... thank heaven!

2. If you haven't got a closet or an attic, just pass "it" along to a charity in need of strange things to auction off, or give "it" to a tiny tot. Cast-offs and curios do wonders for fundraising, and wee ones simply adore all the stuff that grown-ups toss away willy nilly such as old cigarette butts, personal pleasure protection products, or previously-enjoyed chewing gum.

3. Whatever you do, NEVER, may I repeat, NEVER LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH. Why, because "it" is not called "long tooth" for nothing!! "It" is bound to come back and bite you in your private parts, and you can ill afford more slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in your pitiful posterior.

4. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CALL YOUR NO-NAME HORSE ...A WRETCHED BEAST OF BURDEN ...that funky phrase is reserved for donkeys, asses and mule-headed folk that are known to inhabit planet Earth.

5. Put a sign in your front window, "ROBUST RIDERS WANTED". What a grand opportunity to foist your feckless, four-legged friend upon a Lady Godiva wannabe, The Lone Ranger reincarnated, a genuine root'n toot'n Annie Oakley, a crooning cowboy like Roy Rogers, or a member of the Hell's Angels!

6. Of course it's a dead horse! Carpe diem! Hidey ho, it's time to rent a flea market table, and offer consumers the chance of a lifetime... something they can flog for fun... just $1.49 per minute plus GST and PST. And, don't forget to offer a senior's discount ... "Freedom Fifty-Fivers Flog The First Minute For Free!".

7. Take your gift horse to the next public meeting of the Parks Board. Tell everyone your blessed Bucking Bronco has clearly bitten the dust but with a new coat of paint, "it" can be recycled as a quaint conversation piece for all the tacky tourists visiting town, a safe ride for wonky wunderkins, or as a place for the local yokels to gather who get lost easily in petting zoos, fish-infested aquariums, and wild game preserves.

8. Offer your nameless horse as a booby-prize to "captive audiences" like bus patrons waiting at the train station for their boat to arrive; success-oriented students of law, medicine, and business sitting on their buns for Godot to arrive with the answer to everything; or, merry-challenged monopoly players twiddling their thumbs hoping for the "get out of jail for free" card to turn up before they go broke or land on Park Place which they don't even own!

9. Wrap your hobby horse in colorful paper and leave outside a government office door with a note attached reading,

"This unparalleled ungulate requires little nourishment, no supervision, and thankfully no deep pockets to thrive, which is a lot more than I can say for the frigging white elephants you've created that are now eating us out of house and home!"

10. If all else fails, buy yourself a saddle, a pair of boots with spurs, and a cowboy hat so you can ride your silly steed bareback on your front lawn. It'll be a real hoot to see the neighbors gawking, gasping and going completely bonkers over your capricious litte caper. Oh, and by the way, do watch out for the men in blue responding to a 911 call from the party-poopers next door reporting an "indecent exposure incident" and the wet blankets across the street complaining about "someone operating a hobby horse without a driver's license".

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Should you perchance be wondering if there's a sequel to this strange story...the answer by gosh and by golly is...hmmm...I'm cogitating on it...hold that thought...or better yet why not...sit tight and see. But if sitting your your buns is getting you down, by all means visit one of my favorite websites to clear your mind of cobwebs, calamity and chaos. Do a bit of window-shopping at http://www.despair.com/ for some hilarious and yet utterly superfluous accoutrement to decorate your urban tree house or your cubby hole at work.