MAY THE SPIRIT OF SERENDIPTY BE WITH YOU ALWAYS!

December 25, 2007

Dear Naughty Nudnick:
(Forget about trying to hoodwink me...I know who you are!)


I know you're a bit dumbfounded by that puzzling present nestled nicely beneath your tacky tinsel tree, (it's the one you bought last year for a dime at the annual "Grinch Garage Sale").

Well, to make a long story short, I had a most informative talk with "Socrates", (he's the dead Greek philospher who now works as a bouncer at the Pearly Gates Night Club & Casino in a place called "Paradise Lost"), about what to bring someone who's been shall we say, more than a bit naughty this past year.

Not wanting to disappoint you, we decided to take a pass on those twelve drunk drummers (frankly, they're driving everyone nuts which is not a good thing unless one has a large supply of Prozac pills handy).

We weren't impressed with the performance of the eleven incredibly pathetic pipers piping (who couldn't hold a tune even if they tried!)

As for those ten lollygagging lords a-leaping (...just who do they think they are anyway?*!)

And the nine ladies dancing rather dangerously in nothing but their knickers (are a sight for sore eyes, probably because they flunked their final exam at the Queen of Sheba's Pole-Dancing Academy).

Those eight overworked and underpaid maids-a-milking (employed by a cost-conscious company called "Cowbunga!"), they're now vacationing in The Land of Milk & Honey without you!

The seven swans a-swimming (...more like sashaying around a godforsaken lake full of loons looking for a good time no doubt) would not have set a good example for you.

Clearly the six geese-a-laying (who left their all their crap behind so now we all have to wear wellyboots for pity's sake!) spend too much time lollygagging about on the golf course like someone else we know.

We thought of those five fake golden rings belonging to the VANOC Olympic Committee (who are trying to promote the multi-million 2010 Winter Games in a place that rains cats and dogs 364 days a year) are not willing to part with their fool's gold, even for you!

Yes, the four calling birds (that keep on wooing the neighbor's wretched mongrel who's going completely bonkers), apparently they're an endangered species and you can't have them.

Now those three French hens (whom I might add don't speak a word of English but have believe it or not managed to finish off the last case of "Arrogant Frog - Ribet Red" in existence), it seems they're already spoken for at a bachelorette party.

Which brings us to those two tawdry turtle doves (who keep dumping their damn detritus on everyone's pristine front lawn), and a red-legged partridge (better known as "Alectoris rufa") in a pear tree who's so blinking bored with life that he's ready to devour that well-cooked 20 lb. turkey with all the trimmings sitting beside that fantastic XBox 360 with a 20 GB hard-drive located in the trunk of a 2008 Lexus ES 350 with an onboard Navigation System, Moonroof and Bluetooth technology), they flew the coop!

So to sum it all up, we agreed that what you really needed most was a lifetime membership in the Socratic Order of Sandboxes. Since you haven't exactly bit the biscuit yet, the Crumpets Club advised us that they could not accept your application.If it's any consolation, we suggest you prepare your "bucket list" , because at the rate you're going, you may not survive until next year.

Signed,

The Bad Elf
Santa's Sassy Second-In-Command

WHAT...QUIPPING QUEEN PLAYING IN ANOTHER SANDBOX?

Or, has HRH-QQ gone completely barmy?

For those of you who've been wondering where in the heck HRH-QQ has been for the past few months, I can now let the cat out of the bag.

According to my bodacious bio, "I am easily amused", so it's no surprise if I've been playing with new people, platforms and precious little else as I've officially retired from the royal "rat" race.

More to the point, I've been lounging and lollygagging about putting all manner of tangential topics together for lovers of twittery and twaddle.

So without further ado, I shall now guide you to take a peek at my curious creations in my ever-growing portfolio of puffery (over at "squidoo.com").

So next time you're bored with life, twiddling your thumbs, and wondering when Godot is arriving, you might want to check out these titillating topics:

• Weird Words - A compendium of wonky words in the English language that sound naughty but truly are nice once you get to know them.



• Strange Street Names - A collection of wild, wacky and very weird street names from around the globe.



• Little Loo Library - A great giggle guide to buying some boffo books for the bathroom bookshelf.



• Bizarre Books - A miscellany of mirth, especially if one enjoys odd, peculiar, or off-the-beaten track book titles.

• Heffalump Headquarters - A hilarious hub for Perfectly Normal Beasts like heffalumps!

• Socratic Order of Sandboxes - a place to plop for those who do not qualify for membership in the "Flat Earth Society".

• Latin For Laughs - Where Latin-lovers with fractured funnybones hang out!

• Yelling It Like It Is! - An ode to that great American icon, the inimitable, irreverent Goddess of Gripe and Mother of Mockery, "Maxine"!
  
  

SUMMER SABBATICAL

To my ripsnorting readers:

This is just a brief bit of bumpf to let everyone know that HRH - Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity is temporarily indisposed (and no she's not ensconced in her powder room).

She who is easily amused is taking a much needed summer sabbatical to hunt for heffalumps (one of her many crazy, cockamammie, crackerjack creative pursuits).

For those wishing to see if she really is a figment of someone's imagination, please take your fingers on over to her bodacious bio and peruse her long list of tengential topics that she finds engaging, entertaining, and sometimes enchanting at SQUIDOO.COM where she has her very own moat and merry-making munchkin friends who can't get enough of a quirky, quaffing QUIPPING QUEEN .

Tah tah, pip pip and all that fooforaw until the fall!

FIRST COMING OF "THE JESUS iPHONE"

Or, miracle of miracles in the world of mirthful meditations!

By Reverend Ruth Ripplesbottom, Minister of Mirth (MOM) at the popular tongue-in-cheek Temple of Teetotalers & Tiddlywinks, (loosely affiliated with the chuckle-inclined Church of Chortle whose funnybone faith followers are led by the nose by a great big giggling guru of course). When not preaching about the value of smiling, snickering and snorting, she maintains her sanity by delving into such delightful diversions from divinity such as those offered by the Church of 80% Sincerity.

The wireless world of wonk and wit is forever grateful for the wonders of a new technology, especially today's launch of a darling device that's destined to change the way we communicate with mortals not to mention the Maker himself!

This moment in history is akin to the first coming of our Cosmic Creator, (or the "Big Bopper" as some like to call him).

Today, a miracle of miracles has happened...the launch of the little bit of heaven on earth ...Apple's brand new "iPhone"!

Here's a lovely little list of amazing things you'll be able to do with your new do-it-all device:

1. Pious procrastinators and prayer-minded people alike will be pleased to hear that this personal piece of titillating technology means you'll never again experience dropped phone calls to God, the Higher Power, or the Supreme Secular Spirit.

2. Snapping photos of devils in disguise using your iPhone camera will be as easy, provided you can say "1-2-3 cheese please".

3. E-mailing anyone in the cosmos will be a breeze, but the real question is can you type with your pinky finger without swearing a blue streak?

4. Web browsing will soon become a cinch, (especially for those conducting a quick online search for little loop holes in the Bible).

5. No need to sing psalms off key any longer, just tune in to your favorite music (such as hot hymns to soothe the soul or maybe some merry melodies during your morning meditations).

6. And last but not least, for the marginally mirth-minded, this great little gadget also offers a terrific way to download various vanity-videos like Monty Python's "Life of Brian" or TV re-runs of the BBC's hugely popular show among puckish parishioners and pew-pranksters, "The Vicar of Dibley".

Just think of it ...everything you could possible want or need at the touch of a single button.

Life will never be the same, nor will learning liturgy on a hand-held device. And thankfully, saving souls will become a whole heck of a lot easier with "The Jesus iPhone"!

__________

For more information on the wacky yet wonderful worship circles mentioned above, please drop by the Church of Chortle, the Temple of Teetotalers and Tiddlywinks, and the Church of 80% Sincerity.

ODD, OFFBEAT OR OUTRAGEOUS THINGS TO DO IN APRIL

Or, how to meet your weird and wacky needs

Compiled by the Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by The Earl of Craboon, a lively lollygagging two-some in the Court of Quintessentially Quirky Quaffers & Quidnuncs

April is the month when fools rush in where wise men never go and angels fear to tread. (And frankly, anywhere wise men and angels hang out together would probably not satisfy the needs of a merry band of mischievous munchkins looking for a good time.)

So without further ado, here is the ludicrous lineup of odd, offbeat or outrageous things to keep you busy for all of April.

April: It's Sill Suds Month, (33 beer festivals to choose from around the globe, all you have to do is show up, tell a few jokes, and get yourself tiddly like all the other tipplers).

April 1: Hilarious Haberdashery, (time to pick out a great big fools cap, (because you’re going to wear in your little pinhead for the next 30 days).

April 6: Fun Friday, (time to blow bubbles in your bathtub and organize a chewing gum contest to see who can blow up the largest bubble without getting it stuck to a face).

April 8: Energizer Bunny Appreciation Day, (a fine occasion to honor the long-life battery that keeps your digital doodads from wimping out on you at an inopportune moment).

April 13-15: Annual Dolly Parade, (so slip on your wild Barbie and Ken togs or Beanie-Baby outfits, and join the fantastically funny folks in Pigeon Forge, TN).

April 20: Bring On The Bull! (wow, you can pay tribute to your Taurus friends and family members, the ones who’re boring and insensitive, not to mention materialistic if not a tad self-indulgent and stubborn. They have one positive quality, they can cook!

April 22: Earth Day, (time to check and see who makes the mud-pies, where’s the hot spot to watch mud-wrestling, and who does the best rendition of “Muddy Waters”.

April 25: Administrative Professional Day, (time to tie up a bureaucrat or “civil” servant in some fancy red duct tape and auction them off to anyone willing to take them).

April 30: Beltane Fire Festival, (you’ll need a kilt, a caber, and some fire-crackers to attend this Scottish celebration marking the beginning in spring; hopefully the Edinburgh Council won’t ban it like they have for the last few years!)

10 REASONS TO CELEBRATE MARCH

Or, is March really a mad month?

By Patience Pantperhog, a jovial journalist and casual collector of missing socks whose best friend, Tarantula Tulip suggested that she get a life instead of inventing one for readers with way too much time to waste

In a nutshell, (if one enjoys consuming one's daily intake of proteins that way), March is the third month of the Gregorian calendar, according to all the trivia buffs.

Besides being named after the Roman god of war, Mars, (which may account for why there’s so much madness floating around in the universe), March offers at least ten reasons to justify if not celebrate its existence.

1. It’s an opportunity to cleanse one’s colon and become a friend of fibre; (how many folks can’t wait to celebrate “National Kidney Month”)!

2. It’s also “National Nutrition Month”, which means learning to love Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and Popeye’s favorite food, spinach!

3. “Women’s History Month” sounds like a superb way to learn more about the merits of a matriarchal society, how to break through the glass ceiling, and where to find Prince Charming and that gall-darned glass slipper.

4. Hard rock and birthstone collectors will be pleased to know that March is a great month for picking up some aquamarine or diamonds to match one’s teal green satin lounging pygamas at "Mardi Gras" (from February 23rd to March 9th).

5. "International Women’s Day" (on March 8th), is one day to honor women of spunk, sass, and substance, after all without them washing would be a drudge, meals would not be ready by 6:00 pm, and dust bunnies would rule the world.

6. Astrologically speaking “Pisces” and “Aries” born during the month will be happy, and why not…after all, doesn’t the human race need more gullible, self-pitying, temperamental, if not brash, bossy, and self-centered characters?

7. It’s also appropriate on March 17th (St. Patrick’s Day), to sport shamrocks, kiss the Blarney Stone, wear green, and lollygag about with the help of a few libations and leprechauns.

8. The appearance of the vernal or spring equinox (somewhere between March 19-21), is a nice reminder that since spring has sprung, green thumbs everywhere can make mudpies, watch grass grown, or at least talk to trees as they please.

9. Hoop and holler types will enjoy any excuse to watch a 20-day basketball tournament held by the NCAA Men’s Division Basketball “March Madness” Championship.

10. March may come in like a lion and go out like a lamb, which is great news if you’re a member of the animal kingdom, but it may be more helpful to check out the latest weather forecast on weatherbonk if one wants to locate the clouds with silver linings or ponder the reason why one is suffering from something called SAD (or seasonal blahs).

HOW TO BECOME A QUEEN

Or, Monarch-Making the Easy Way on International Women's Day!

By Victoria Elizabeth, a self-proclaimed Monarch of Mirth, better known by her majestic moniker, "The Quipping Queen"

What better way to celebrate International Women’s Day than honoring the queen that lives in every female on the face of this planet.

There are, at last count, 21.6 million web pages devoted to answering the question, “How to become a queen?”

If truth be told, there are a lot of females the world over hankering for a piece of the patriarchal pie. Most are bored to their teeth waiting around for Prince Charming to show up and claim them (not to mention their glass slipper). Others are not so thrilled about having to compete in a beauty pageant for the honor of being crowned Queen for a Day, Queen of May or Homecoming Queen for that matter.

Considering the fact that very few females can claim the title Queen, (by virtue of their bodacious blueblood lineage), that leaves a limited number of alternatives with which to purse in order to fulfill their dazzling destiny.

The first option for ascending a throne is to marry a monarch. Those wishing to pursue this alternative should keep their eyes peeled for a dude who has a decent prospect of becoming a King in very short order; better yet, choose one that already has his crown, a well-stocked treasure chest, and some tantalizing territory over which to rule. If the lady in question wishes to join the ranks of royalty, she would also be well advised to attend a posh pre-school and a rather fine ivy league college, not to mention befriend oodles of glitterati, or at least attend a good many who’s who whingding shindigs.

By far the more reliable and satisfying option entails following the path of least resistance which involves, believe it or not, proclaiming oneself queen.

Forget the royal rigmarole that usually comes with inheriting a royal title or joining a connubial clan of cockamamie characters and crotchety crustaceans, hoist your own flag, grab your glittering garb and tantalizing tiara, sit upon your very own throne with a plush red velvet cushion, and declare to all the world that you are a wondrous woman of spunk and substance, (who is bound and determined to have a jolly good time for once in her life)!

There’s much to be said for crowning oneself "Queen of Sheba", "Queen of Hearts", "Queen of Wands", "Queen of the Sofa", "Queen of Klutz", "Queen of Experiences", "Queen of the Universe", "Queen of Everything" or whatever other merry moniker pleases your majesty. After all, you also get to pick and choose whom you wish to join your court, whether it be fawning friends, ardent admirers or simply funny folk who make you laugh and play. And you get to call the shots when it comes to decorating your digs, whether you like building sandcastles in the air, hiring some civil knights in shining armor to build you a Lego Castle with a moat, or maybe just a do-it-yourself easy-to construct Cardboard Castle.

Remember, every woman possesses her own compelling, distinctive, and incredible, personal power. When all is said and done, it’s up to women to bring forth their unique talents, share their precious wisdom of life with others, and never to forget to leave the world a better place than when they arrived.