GOING WHOLE HOG IN THE YEAR OF THE PIG

Or, how to avoid being hogtied in the Year of the Pig

By Theolonius McTavish, a raucous road hog with a penchant for pickled pigs toes, Black Forest ham, and Canadian back bacon.

If dogs look up to us while cats look down on us, it's not surpising to find at least one barnyard beast that treats us as equals. It's affectionately known as a dirty old pig.

And since 2007 has been declared the Year of the Golden Pig by Chinese astrologers, who are we to argue!

Now's the time to get a wiggle on and go the whole hog to honor all people, places, and things piggy!

• All road warriors are advised to pick up a gas-guzzling Harley-Davidson brutish-sounding bike, better known as hog".
  


• For those who can't save their money or adore counting if not hoarding pennies, it's time to buy a piggbank!
  


• Pig-Pen personalities can finally come out of the closet!
  


• Yup for those who aren't picky about food and don't like brushing their teeth, have we got something for you...a popular piggy tune!
  


• For vertically-challenged crisis-prone critters who are having trouble being b-b-brave...it may be an opportune moment to learn a few words of wisdom from "Piglet".
  


• Gluttonous grunts need no excuses to pig-out on bacon, ham and pork chops(just ask Lisa the Vegetarian)!
  


• And what would the world be without Pink Floyd and pigs!
  

So, whatever you do this year, be nice to pigs, be they the fuzz with flatfeet, ...the muck-loving, potbellied, slippery, thick-headed variety ...or the higgledy-piggeldy ones who have a hard time finding things right under their snouts.

GOING HOG-WILD IN THE YEAR OF THE PIG

Or, why not celebrate with a pigskin parade!

By Theolonius McTavish, a ribald rasher who's known to tell bawdy barnyard tales to tipplers at the Hogshead Pub

According to Chinese astrology, 2007 is “The Year of the Pig”. This is welcome news to the “Boars”, “Hogs” and “Swine” of the world who have not had much company to speak of in their end of the quagmire or swamp.

Sus scrofa are said to be gregarious grunts who though they have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances actually have few close buddies who share their passion for mucking about in the mud. Chivalrous and gallant, these cloven hooved critters don’t talk much with is a breath of fresh air considering the stench that often surrounds them.

Swine are not slackers. As a matter of fact, boozy boars have a great thirst for knowledge that includes the ever popular “Bottoms Up”, “Freddy Fudputter”, and “Fuzzy Navel”.

Rabbits and sheep are most compatible with boars. After all, how many creatures do you know that are willing hang out with hogs who avoid turning left or right and definitely have never heard of the word retreat.

So with all that in mind, just what does one say when encountering a pig this year?

• I’ll bet you know what a pig-in-a-poke is eh? (Used with a prudish pig from Canada.)

• I think I'll curl up with a crumpet and a pig-in-a-blanket. (Used with a British boar.)

• If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s folks who eat like pigs! (Used with generously-proportioned personalities who frequent Piggly-Wiggly’s far too much.)

• I’m not going to be your guinea pig! (Used with scientifically-inclined swine.)

• Me, marry that breathtaking boar. In a pig’s eye I am! (Used with ugly ungulates.)

• I’m tickled pink to hear all about it. (Used with a porcine personality you’re trying to impress.)

• I admire pigskin people. (Used with SuperBowl-infatuated swine.)

• Pigtails aren’t your thing, are they? (Used with sveltless, statuesquely-challenged sows or members of the Pigmalion family.)

• I wouldn’t get to swill-headed about that if I were you. (Used with a pigpen playmate.)

• It's as plain as a pig on sofa. (Used with who deny the existence of an elephant in their living room.)

• Piglet, what a squealing sensation you are. (Used with an immature member of the swine family.)

• Bring home the bacon but leave your pig at home! (Used with a sweat-hog.)

• Of course I love watching pigments dry. (Used with a paint-by-numbers pig.)

• I’m not sure I understood all your hogwash, could you repeat that again? (Used with a buzzword boar or a red-tape rasher.)

• I'm here to see the guy who can turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. (Used with those who aspire to live high on the hog.)

• Being pigheaded certainly does pay off. (Used with stubborn swine.)

• I can see you know how to make a pig's ear. (Used with those who manage to muck-up anything they touch).

• Watching you pig-out on brussel sprouts renews my faith in veganism. (Used with gluttonous green-oriented grunts.)

• Having a super snout is great for digging up the dirt on on the competition. (Used with cosmetically-challeged cartilaginous critters who muck about just for the heck of it).

• My god, you've mastered my favorite word in Piggot's Political Dictionary! (Used with pigs of different political persuasions.)

• Pocco Rosso's my favorite flying pig. (Used with porcine pilot comic book fanatics or those who are allergic to flying cows and flying nuns).

• Please clean-up your pig-pen before you go out and play. (Used with adolscent aardvarks).

• I see you use everything but the squeal. (Used with fussy or thrifty sausage-makers.)

And when all is said and done, never forget that miracles happen every day. So keep your eyes open, because pigs can fly (at least they do in hog heaven) and some of them even been coaxed to turn fluorescent green (when served with ham probably)!

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