WELL AREN'T WE THE "BEE'S KNEES"!

Or, all there is to know about becoming a self-proclaimed "Queen of Me"

By Victoria Elizabeth, Her Royal Highness, The Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity, from the esteemed Queendom of Quidnuncs, Quirks, and Quaffers

Being a Queen is royal hoot. There’s never a dull moment. In fact every day there’s something to celebrate, so naturally there’s oodles of hoopla, hurrahs and hullabaloos.

In a world weary with worry and work, having any excuse for a party is a good thing. One need not think that one has to have royal blood to be granted the title of "Queen of the Nile", the "Queen of Sheba" or better yet, the "Queen of Everything".

There are plenty of people who for a few shekels would be willing to put a crown on the head of happy homegrown "Beauty Queen", a cross-dressing "Drag Queen", a cosmic "Karma Queen", a magestic "May Queen", a pretty "Prom Queen", or a quaint "Queen of Hearts".

And in the age of “do-it-yourself”, self-proclaimed titles are de rigueur. As a matter of fact, any feisty female can call herself “Queen Bee” if you please. And those 'Freedom-Fifty Floosies' and 'Mavens of Mirth' looking for something to do, well they’ll always find a plush velvet cushion and the title “Queen Mum” awaiting them in the Red Hat Society.

And, last but not least, for those bodacious if not brash babes who can’t qualify as a “Queen for a Day” contestant, they can always wait for their nemeses to give them a moxie moniker like, “Clutter Queen”, “Drama Queen”, “Eat-Your-Heart-Out Queen”, or “Queen of Do-This-Do-That”.

The only real skill or talent required of a Queen is that she knows how to smile, wave, and walk about graciously in little circles. A royal entourage is optional but with those low self-esteem might want to consider hiring a good image consultant, a publicist, not to mention a renowned plastic surgeon. On second thought, forget about boosting your sagging ego -- just follow majestic Maxine's example and "Yell it like it is!" (some fine whine advice from the "Queen of Attitude" herself)!

It also helps if one has an inordinate amount of time on one's hands and lots of fawning family, friends and functionaries who simply adore any excuse to attend a party. The best occasions usually feature some sucky-face schmoozing, a rather fine spread of gluttonous gourmet grub followed by posh pomp and celebratory cirumstance. I hope you enjoy being on the cover of "People Magazine" or the "National Enquirer"!

When not engaged in egregious entertaining and hobby-horse racing, royal duties may also include the handing out of honorary titles to all manner of twittering types. The greatest challenge seems to be keeping a straight face when presenting the Royal Order of Oinkments to the "Contessa of Capers and Catnaps", the “Countess of the Kazoo”, the “Divine Diva of Disorder”, the “Duchess of Diamonds, Dingbats & Doorknobs”, the “Exalted Keeper of Pandora’s Box and the Key to Royal Powder Room”, the “Goddess of Glitch & Glamour Pussies”, the “Governess of Giggle Gatherings”, the “Grand Dame of Decorum & Didn’t I Tell You So”, the “Jest-in-Time Joy-Sticker”, the “Magistratess of Many Hats”, the “Marquesas of Merriment & Music”, the “Priestess of Purple Passion & Plum Plonk”, the “Princess of Pitfalls & Pratfalls”, the “Sisters of Sweet-Tweet”, the “Temptress of Twats & Twaddle”, the “Top-Notch Toy Boy”, the“Viscountess of Vapid Verbosity”, and the most coveted royal rank of all, “Yes-Man of the Year”.

So next time you come across a lady who is wondering what to do on a boring day, why not suggest she use her imagination, bcome mistress of her own dazzling domain as "Queen of the Sofa", "Queen of Shindigs" or at least "Queen of Something Or Other". And, don’t forget to throw a honking great gala on the cockamamie coronation day, (with an engraved invitation hand-delivered to yours truly)!

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"The Queen of Everything" by Mary Engelbreit (as seen above), has even inspired a new society of sassy, spunky somethings...so naturally it's called...you guessed it The Queen of Everything Society.

And don't forget to check in with another regal type, "Queen Jaw Jaw" (a.k.a. "Queen of Experiences" and "Queen of Boomer Humor"), and author of "A Funny Thing Happenened On the Way to the Throne".

DOG DITTY DAILY #30

A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

By Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen

In honor of "The Year of the Dog", here are three dog stars you probably didn't know even existed:

Sirius - often known as th,e brightest star in the night sky, is located in the constellation of Canis Major (Big Dog).

The Pup, a white dwarf star and companion of Sirius, is also located in the constellation of Canis Major.

Procyon, is the principal star in the constellation Canis Minor (Little Dog).

And for those who can guess the names of the three canine stars who appear on Hollywood's "Walk of Fame", and the answer is ... "Lassie", "Rin Tin Tin" and "Strongheart". Your prize ... a dog biscuit naturally!

THE LONG-LOST LEXICON OF "E"

Or, why entertaining elfin words should be used more often

By Samantha Tooting-Beck, not-your-average Cosmo girl, but one with an abiding interest in old or odd words that have been banished from common conversation

The letter "e" (5th letter in the English alphabet), is an easy-going yet eloquent symbol for the third tone of a C-major scale in music, a layer of the ionosphere occurring at about 65 miles (110 km) above the earth's surface capable of reflecting shortwave frequencies, and last but not least, a fate worse than death if it appears on an exam paper or essay denoting an abysmal if not unsatisfactory grade.

Our time-starved culture appears to be adopting some rather bizarre behavior these days involving the asphyxiation of the English language. In the name of enhancing efficiency and increasing productivity, our limited fast-food oriented vocabulary is being reduced even further by reliance on abbreviations, acronyms, buzz-words, jargon and slang not to mention a proliferation of "emoticons" as a way to communicate 'feelings' rapidly to others using email, internet relay chat, and instant messaging technoloy.

Connoisseurs of the "slow food movement" will undoubtedly find solace in the novel "slow communication movement". The latter relies heavily upon reviving long-lost words from the English language and giving them a home in everyday conversation and correspondence.

So, in the interests of honoring the letter "e", here are some wonderful words you may wish to include in your repertoire of rivetting repartee, chortling chit-chat and chug-a-lugging.

ear basher n. a quaint phrase meaning an individual who more often than not is referred to in less than flattering terms as an incredibly dreadful boreearwigging vb. egregious eavesdropping (which is a pre-requisite for namedropping during a networking event or occasion)

eating irons n.pl. a culinary-inspired term meaning eating utensils such as knives, forks and spoons (which are utterly useless when it comes to devouring finger foods, veggie dips or BBQ baby-back ribs)

ectomorphic adj. descriptive of a slender svelt soul who graces the Victoria's Secret runway or occupies the sizzling centrefold pages of a men's magazine

edentulous adj. descriptive of toothless types (who tend to mumble their words when chewing the fat or chin-wagging with chatty-Cathy folks)

eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious adj. a rather torqued tongue-twister used to amaze one’s family, friends or cube farm mates, meaning 'very good'

efftsoons adv. soon after (e.g. efftsoons the eelpouts swam down his alimentary canal, he knew his life as a lounge lizard would never be quite the same)

eggies n.pl. borrowed marbles, (which might be great if they belong to an egghead), but may bring bad luck, especially if they're "snake eyes" (belonging to a venomous viper)

embonpoint n. a pleasingly plump person with a playful personality (as opposed to an ordinary ornery obese oaf)

embroglio n.pl. a confusing or bitterly complicated altercation (usually involving melodramatic mayhems, muddy messes, and one too many monotonous monsters)

engastrimyth n. a ventriloquist (which is terrific occupation if one has a knack for putting words in the mouth of others, or wishes to make dummies look simply dazzling in front of an audience comprised of “yes”-inspired yokels)

equilibrist n. an equal-opportunity tightrope walker or sophisticated scapegoat (which is a convenient socially-responsible asset to have on any well-padded corporate payroll)

eudemon n. a good spirit with an environmentally-friendly, consumer-oriented attitude (such as a member of the endangered extraterrestrial and ephemeral universe be it the "Jolly Green Giant", "The Man From Glad" or Cinderella's "Fairy Godmother")

euphobia n. fear of good news (an ailment which is difficult to treat especially if the patient is glued to CNN or Newsworld 24/7, but may be partially mitigated provided the subject switches permanently to the "Shopping Channel" and has a credit card available at all times)

Eve with the lid on n.pl. the first-known comfort food prepared by the Chief Cook and Bottle-Washer in the Garden of Eden from sun-ripened fruit, (more commonly known as "apple pie")

exegetist n. a wanton windbag (who is capable of exposition and explanation ...of practically anything under the sun at the drop of a hat and a dandy guest to have at a deader-than-a-doornail dinner party)

exosculate v. to kiss heartily (which isn't at all challenging if one possesses pucker power, a pleasing if not pulchritudinous partner, and an excuse other than it’s Valentine’s or Mother’s Day)

May you enjoy these eclectic examples of evocative endearments at your leisure.

DOG DITTY DAILY #29

A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

By Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

Here are some pooch-inspired places in Canada one should consider visiting this summer, in honor of the "The Year of the Dog":

• Poopoo Creek (British Columbia)
• Dog Creek (Manitoba)
• Poodiac (New Brunswick)
• Nicky's Nose Cove (Newfoundland & Labrador)
• Pugwash Junction (Northwest Territories)
• Pooch Lake, Pooh Lake, Puppy Lake (Ontario)
• Poodles Corner, (Prince Edward Island)
• Puppy Lake, Shitagoo Lake (Quebec)

MASTERING THE ART OF IRRELEVANT FAULT-FINDING

Or, how to do a little damning with faint praise when it counts

By The Right Honorable James Offleyhoo, former Grand-Pooh Bah of the Backside Bench-Warming Bureau, and author of a hugely popular eclectic etiquette guide entitled, “What Color Velvet Cushion Should You Order for Your Next Board Room Chair?”

Climbing the steps to success can sometimes be a tad messy, (which is why I’ve created several absolutely trivial yet tittering things to do along the way).

In a world full of non-stop networking and nebulous name-dropping, it is high time that everyone learns the long-lost art of irrelevant faultfinding to accompany the fatuous flattery that seems to abound everywhere.

After all, nobody is perfect, (even if they do wear a “Superman” t-shirt or a wireless “wonder-bra” beneath their business attire). And, in today’s environment of vapid verbiage, it’s certainly best to follow the KISS principle.

In the interest keeping things short and simple, the best way to support those glib-enhanced, goal-oriented, boardroom-bound, robust rabbits on their rise through the ranks of corporate confabulation is to damn them with faint praise.

Here are a few fine examples of ripsnorting remarks one may wish to drop casually in the ears of those who might consider hiring these pitter-pattering yet prodigious pets.

• “George will be a tremendous asset to your management team, when he can find his key to the executive washroom or his hand-held digital device with his “to do” list on it.”

• “It has been my pleasure to have known Mary-Beth Flotsom-Jettison since childhood; she’ll make an exceptional executive assistant, (if she’s permitted to run the corporate fitness program consisting of daily dodge-ball games, hopscotch, and kick-the-can.)”

• "Peter Paternoster, a hard-working, dedicated customer service coordinator has but one minor faux-pas …telling shaggy dog stories on company time, (which is why he’s affectionately known by his family and friends as “Bite-the-Biscuit”).”

• “If there’s one thing that Jessy Jawbone can do it’s make a lasting impression on your bottom line; (and if I recall, she never shied away from taste-testing margaritas and tequilas or dipping her fingers into the anchovies and caviar at our corporate retreats!)”

• “Percy Fletch is a far-sighted yet flexible problem-solving civil engineer when it comes to draining swamps, emptying flooded mine shafts, or parting waters in raging rivers for movie audiences; (my only reservation might be, can he fill up my gas tank correctly?")

As my dear mother used to say, when in doubt about what to say about someone, think of it like a meal. “Sprinkle a hint of spice or add a pinch of salt …it’s bound to taste better.”

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Note: There are 17,000 web pages dedicated to the notion of "damning with faint praise", for those wishing to pursue this fascinating topic in more detail.

ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ERGASOPHOBIA

Or, how come I never heard of that word before?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a pretty happy dude), whose easy-as-pie attitude to life makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Do-Nothing at the Creative Loafing Institute, (dedicated to the long lost art of lingering, lollygagging or just hanging out in a lackadaisical or lounging manner in the company of oneself or other like-minded folk)


Being an egghead sometimes has its advantages …like having a piece of software or a 1930’s cartoon character named after you, and a place to hang your mortarboard when impressing fanciful first-year college students.

On the other hand, being an egghead conjures up negative images like folks with pithy pointed heads, horned rimmed glasses, and a prominent protuberance pinched between one too many pages of posterity.

So rather than debate the merits of how many fairies are dancing on the head of a pin like many of my esteemed colleagues at the Creative Loafing Institute, I have found that devoting myself to an appreciation of a little known state of affairs called “ergasophobia” to be infinitely more entertaining.

For those niggardly need-to-know types, “ergasophobia” has nothing to do with a popular pastime among tiny tots, macho males in elevators, and a taboo topic at the dinner table -- … the full-bodied and unmuffled release of fetid flatus.

“Ergasophobia” should not be confused with another “e”-inspired form of dis-ease known as “erythrophobia”, (a fear of blushing), or its close cousin, “eremophobia” (fear of being oneself or of loneliness).

Perhaps it’s about time to kill the suspense and just inform everyone just why “ergasophobia” deserves any sort of attention in the great scheme of things.

Those who enjoy snoozing, schlepping about, or sipping on something strong and full-bodied (whatever that may be), will probably have a predisposition towards “ergasophobia”. Likewise, those who have a passion for twiddling their thumbs, tapping their toes, or whistling a witty tune while watching the world go by will undoubtedly be all too familiar with “ergasophobia”.

Worker bees, head honchos, and platitudinous politicians will probably declare "ergasophobia" to be the single-most destructive disease to afflict the 21st century hives of industry and innovation. No less than 15,000 web pages are devoted to this malady more often known by its shirking symptoms, thither and yon thinking processes, or lackadaisical lissome lifestyle that is not conducive to any form of work, (be it physical or mental).

While pill-pushing potentates invest millions in powerful potions designed to put folks to sleep or wake them up, there are many who stubbornly refuse to practice the Protestant work ethic, who throw their “Think & Do” books aside, and with a smile simply toss their “to do” lists, cell-phones, and laptops in the drink.

So, while some may have been labeled by economists, eggheads, and employers as loafers, lollygaggers, or laggards…perhaps these folks something to teach the rest of us. Maybe they have found the best way to spend every moment ...in the joy of being here right now… without fear of the past or the future, and more importantly, a willingness to let go and by doing so -- find their place in the flow of life.

__________

Folks who need to know more about "fears and phobias", please visit the index and search page of World Wide Words; then put your thinking caps on, sharpen your pencils and work your little buns off going through all 15,000 web pages of "fear of work"!

Meanwhile, leisure-inspired lugnuts are advised to let their fingers do the walking over to Dribbleglass, to look at the boffo billboards or see one of the many merry "misinspirationals" (as shown above).

DOG DITTY DAILY #28

A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

By Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

Here are mixed bag of movies that have used the word "dog" in the title, in honor of the "The Year of the Dog":

"A Boy And His Dog" (1975)
"A Dog's World" ('Mondo Cane' - Italian, 1961)
"Alpha Dog" (2006)
"Atomic Dog" (2004)
"Black Dog" (1998)
"Citizen Dog" (2004)
"Danny the Dog" (2005)
"Dog Day Afternoon" (1975)
"Dog Days of Summer" (2004)
"Dog Eat Dog" (1964)
"Dog of Flanders" (1997)
"Dog Soldiers" (2002)
"Dracula's Dog" (1978)
"Ghost Dog" (1997)
"Ghost Dog: A Detective Tail" (1951)
"Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai" (1999)
"If...Dog...Rabbit" (1999)
"Love is a Dog From Hell" (1987)
"Mad Dog Glory" (2004)
"Mad Dog Morgan" (1976)
"Mad Dog Time" (1996)
"Man Bites Dog" (1992)
"Must Love Dogs" (2003)
"My Dog Skip" (2000)
"Soccer Dog" (1999)
"The Night I Followed the Dog" (2004)
"The Shaggy Dog" (2006)
"Wag the Dog" (1977)

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For those mutt-motivated movie buffs who need to know more than 1,000 interesting movie and TV doggy-inspired stories, check out the Earth's Biggest Movie Database.

And for the "pooch-inspired" palm-powered people, there's always the
VideoHound Database.

IT'S TITILLATING TARTAN DAY!

Or, Scots do it with kilts if you please

By Theolonius McTavish, a do-it-yourself tartan kilt-maker who’s sat on one too many thistles in his career as a jest-in-time technology expert on what makes Scots tick & talk, do the highland fling, and lick their thumbs to sign their names

Tartan Day is a wonderful occasion to celebrate all things quirky and quaint from the "Land of Bonnie Prince Charlie, Robbie Burns and Rob Roy"…be they kilts (or what lies beneath them), cabers (or why anybody bothers tossing them), and Celtic love knots (how to tie them or how to get out of their nuptial knots in a hurry).

For centuries Scots have been on the rocks. This is not surprising since belting out bawdy ballads on their blessed bagpipes is their national pastime, when they’re not all haggling over who makes the best beef broth, haggis, and porridge.

Being bull-headed seems to come naturally as does beating their chests incessantly while mucking about in the moors and crooning to those old ‘Brigadoon’ tunes. When not hoofing about in the heather, they keep fit by quaffing their daily ration of Scotch whisky and digging themselves out of sand traps on St. Andrews golf course ...just for the heck of it.

However, some might say that their greatest contributions to the treasury of world culture are their get-up-and-go Gaelicisms. A sampling of these obscure if not obtuse expressions follows:

“Ah cannae dae nuthin aboot that hen, ye’ll huv tae talk tae the high heid yins upstairs.”
– “I can’t do anything about that woman, you’ll have to talk to the management team upstairs.”
“An then yer arse fell aff.”
– A colorful expression used to describe someone who is bs-ing you.

“Aye, where’s the Heid Bummer?”
– “So, where’s the Big Dog/Head Honcho/Top Banana?”

“F*** wuv been rummelled!”
- “F*** we’ve been discovered!

“Get aff yer arse yer ault weegie bampot.”
– “Get off your backside you ancient, mildly unhinged person, living west of the River Carron!”

“He’s a right numpty and pie-eater!”
- “He’s a useless soul and a person of low social expectations!”

“His heid’s full ae mince.”
– “His head’s full of nonsense/rubbish.”

“Haud yer wheest, ah’m on the phone.”
- “Pipe Down, I’m on the phone!”

“Man yer feet are howfin.”
– “Man your feet are smelly.”

“Never seen a daft wee zoomer before?”
– “Have you never seen a slightly out-of-touch erratic person with a volatile disposition before?”

“Stuff it up yer juke!”
– “Stuff it up the front of your t-shirt.”

“Yer Maw cares.”
– “Does it look like I give a flying fig about it.”

Tune in next year for more merry musings about the trial and tribulations of color-coordinated Scots on Tartan Day.
__________

And for those who can't get enough of the Scottish vernacular, take a wee peek at the First-Foot Dictionary.

Can't get enough of those titillating tartans?... try this online Tartan Store.

10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN APRIL

Or, how to enjoy more jocularity

Sherlock Tidpit is a remarkable rumpus-room monitor, and even more impressive, he's a rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a very skewed assessment of reality, (which among other things makes him a very valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen).

Does anyone really care about the origin of the fourth month of the Gregorian calendar? Well, mavens and masters of miscellaneous matters certainly do!

This month called “Aprilis”, (from the Latin word “aperire” meaning “to open”) probably has something to do with Pandora’s Box, (...the opening of which on April 1st results in far too many fools coming out to play, and a refusal on the part of governments the world over to declare “April Fools’ Day” a national holiday).

Perhaps starting off on the wrong foot this month, (by putting said foot in one’s mouth or indeed someone else’s), signifies the true meaning of April.

With that in mind, here are ten things that should be avoided at all costs this month.

1. Keeping the company of fools, (as they have a bad habit of falling in love under odd circumstances with very strange people; they also bounce off the walls and blunder about creating havoc just for the fun of it, and last but not least, they rush in where angels fear to tread causing mayhem in the heavenly order of all things great and small).

2. Trying to make timely deposits in to your “Daylight Savings Bank Account", (when you can’t recall if you should move the clock ahead or back one hour).

3. Getting your hands on a jump-for-joy toy so you can join in the “Lava Lamp Day” celebration on April 5th; (…no... a Chia pet, slinky or hoola hoop just won’t do!)

4. Going "hog wild" over a beer called “Moosehead”, (which may spoil the flora and fauna-minded festivities being organized by National Wildlife Societies on April 9th).

5. Howling at the full moon on April 13th; (it may be the “Year of the Dog”, but unless you enjoy living in the doghouse, fetching bones, or barking up the wrong tree for the rest of your doggone life, take my humble advice …just forget!)

6. Harrassing any environmentally-friendly worms, wombats or woodpeckers, (especially on “Earth Day”, April 22nd); hmmm.... so how about some merry mud-slinging or perhaps a bit of mud-wrestling to really get into the spring of things?

7. Entertaining any darling dragons (be they the fire-breathing sort or even those cute little green ones), unless of course you come from Newfoundland and Labrador where they simply adore any excuse for a party, especially on "St. George’s Day", April 23rd).

8. Poaching any Easter Eggs or setting traps for Easter Bunnies, (unless you care to be sued up the ying yang by the sweet treat and toy manufacturing cartel, tarred and feathered by tantrum-throwing tots, or charged by the police and SPCA for wilful cruelty to itty-bitty critters).

9. Telling any jokes about 'civil servants' or Grand Poobahs on "Administrative Professionals Day" - April 26; (you never know when those Big Fish in little ponds may come in handy one day by saving your precious posterior from a fate worse than death…the tax department!)

10. Inquiring as to the whereabouts of a bull when enjoying a spot of tea in a china shop; (while this may tickle the fancy of Taurus types with birthdays this month, do you really want more self-indulgent, slow-moving, stubborn friends in your life?)

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For more about those cute green thingamybobs, check out "Mom Can I Have a Dragon?"

TEXT MESSAGE FROM THE BIG BOPPER

Or, the Big Guru in the Sky has finally learned how to communicate with teens!

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Ph.D.T.), professor of heavy-duty thinking at the Creative Loafing Institute, who enjoys engaging his cerebellum in anything that captures his fancy (which usually means letting his mind wander where it may or may not depending on the weather or his daily horoscope whichever comes first)

The younger generation has managed to master not only challenging tasks like how to install computer software without reading manuals and program the TV/DVD remote control so only they can use it, but also how to use cell phones to text message in an obscure language so adults haven’t got a clue what they’re doing!

Like all new inventions, it seems that the “early early adopters" or pioneers pave the way for the rest of the dweebs to jump on the boat before it's littered with far too many crazy critters. Then again, the real issue may be how long the dottering dweebs take to decide to board the ark before it's too late!

Sometimes technology is not all that it's cracked up to be ...even in heaven. The other day I read somewhere that digitally-driven do-gooders from the Ministry of Magic Musings had just released the first text message communication between the “Big Guru in the Sky” and a cell-phone iPod earthling named "TFH".

GOD: TWIMC N-E-1 ER?
(Translation: To Whom It May Concern. Anyone Here?)

TEXT MSG 1: HI ID10T
(Translation: Hi Idiot)

GOD: XME? HURU?
(Translation: Excuse Me? Who are you?)

TEXT MSG 1: BKA TFH. HURU?
(Translation: Better Known As Thread From Hell. Who are you?)

GOD: YDKM. FWIW TP. BKAG
(Translation: You Don’t Know Me. For What It’s Worth: Team Player. Better Known as God)

TEXT MSG 1: N1
(Translation: Nice One)

GOD: OMG YTTT?
(Translation: Oh My Gosh You Telling The Truth?)

TXT MSG 1: AFAICT IAM PITA
(Translation: As Far As I Can Tell I Am A Pain In the Ass)

GOD: SOHF WUF?
(Translation: Sense of Humor Failure. Where Are You From?)

TXT MSG 1: WG WTSDS WUF?
(Translation: Wicked Grin. Where The Sun Don’t Shine. Where Are You From?)

GOD: NMKOP FYI JADIP
(Translation: Not My Kind of Place. For Your Information Just Another Day in Paradise)

TXT MSG1: YYSSWW A/S/ ?
(Translation: Yeah Yeah Sure Sure Whatever. Age, Sex?)

GOD: BG. WOG. FTL U?
(Translation: Big Grin. Wise Old Guru. Faster Than Light …You?)

TXT MSG1: FYA FTASB
(Translation: For Your Amusement Faster Than a Speeding Bullet.)

GOD: GGN WNOHGB. GOK LYLAB
(Translation: Gotta Go Now Where No One Has Gone Before. God Only Knows Love You Like A Brother)

TXT MSG1: WYS URYY4M SNERT
(Translation: Whatever You Say. You Are Too Wise For Me - Snotty Nosed Egotistical Rotten Teenager)

So next time you want to say something nice to a plugged in member of the younger generation, or communicate with a higher power, remember this six-letter greeting or farewell, “MTFBWY” (May The Force Be With You)!

And if you're luck seems to be running a little thin these days, never forget the awesome acronym "ABITHIWTITB"...A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In the Bush!

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For those who need a better handle on hand-held device communication, drop by NetLingo.

DOG DITTY DAILY #27

A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

By Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.






Here are some doggone good movie mutt reviews in honor of the "The Year of the Dog":

"Sit happens."

"Dogs inspire biting humor."

"All bark, some bite."

"Delerious dogumentary incurs howls."

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In case you didn't catch the name of the mutt movie...wander over to The Four Word Film Review .

For more canine cajolery, check out "The 100 Greatest Dogs of Pop Culture History.