A TIME FOR JEST & JOY

Or, never forget how to enjoy being alive every day!

By Patience Pantperhog, a peripatetic putz with a nose for addlepated adventure, things that make one go “cowabunga!” and people with a spunky and playful spirit who don’t take themselves all that seriously

A recent U.S. statistical report indicated that people typically spend on average 8.5 days per month commuting to work, and 47 hours a year in traffic jams (up from 40 hours a decade earlier). Just one example of the questionable perks in store for those living in modern megalopolis.

While some fret or fume frantically about “spinning their wheels going nowhere fast” in the express lane of life, others like the “creative loafing crowd” don't seem to mind being in the flow (be it fast or slow). In fact, the latter appear to find fun everywhere, even the ones hidden in life's little challenges!

More often than not, the 'take-life-as-it-comes' types usually work well with what they've got in their kit bag, (and you rarely hear them complaining). In fact, they're the ones building those hot lemonade stands when oodles of yellow citrus fruit show up on their front lawns (even if it is the dead of winter in Nebraska or at the North Pole)! Ludicrous lollygaggers can also be found heading out to hardware stores to buy colorful patio umbrellas, long hip waders, or posh pet beds when the local weather forecaster says it's going to rain cats and dogs tomorrow.

So, perhaps there’s a lesson or two to be learned from the “creative loafing crowd”:

1. Live life to the fullest everyday – find something positive in every situation and person you meet, feel your own rhythm, and explore your reason for being here. When in doubt, ask what your favorite cartoon character would do to solve the problem?

2. Discover your true passion and then follow your heart; after all, it’s the only way to experience peace of mind not to mention happiness beyond your wildest dreams. So you wanna be the world's best rocking horse rider, or you have itchy feet and wouldn't mind climbing a pyramid...go for it!

3. Celebrate something every day you're alive – because after all, you’re the hero or heroine of your very own story, so take a little time to honor every accomplishment be it big or small. Put those gold stars and smiley faces whereever you want; and whatever you do don't forget to give yourself and at least one other living thing a big hug every dug...yup that tree trunk will do just fine!

4. Be around fun people whenever you can; their joyful spirit is to known to add just enough levity to life to defy the force of gravity when it really counts. Or appoint yourself as "Guru of Gaffs" for a day just to chase the gloom and glum away!

5. Share your gifts and talents as well as your light and warmth with everyone; be ready to entertain, encourage and comfort them; and last but not least, be open to receiving the precious gifts and treasures that others may have to offer. If "All for one and one for all" is good enough for the Three Musketeers, it's good enough for you!

By the way, every creative loafer knows that fun and frolic can be enjoyed anytime, anywhere. Life is never boring when you smell roses, collect fairy stones, and find four leaf clovers. And remember to smile and keep a stash of lollypops handy to give to strangers whom you'll meet along the way!

WORLD BIRTHDAY SUIT APPRECIATION DAY

Or, why not celebrate a bit of birthday suit bravado?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (Professor of Happiness & Delight), whose easy-as-pie attitude to life makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Doodling at the Creative Loafing Institute, (dedicated to the long lost art of lingering, lollygagging or just hanging out in a lackadaisical or lounging manner in the company of oneself or other merry-minded folk)

At last count, there were 95,600 websites dedicated to "birthday suits".

Little is known about the origin of "birthday suits" or for that matter their devine designer.

The good news is that no two birthday suits are alike. The bad news is you can't exchange them. All of which brings me to a rivetting conclusion.

What the world needs now is a special day dedicated to honoring the humble birthday suit. After all it's the one which one enters the world with and is obliged to wear for life, whether we like it or not!

While body artists, Lady Godivas and naturists might have a field day with this event, it is likely that prim and proper politicians not to mention prudish pundits fearing a "brouhaha" would boycott this threadbare occasion.

Such an egads event however calls for few tittering taglines just to get things started:

It's never too late to make a birthday suit fashion statement!

If birthday suits come in all colors, shapes and sizes...I'd like stripes!

Double-breasted self-expression -- the key to a brand-name birthday suit!

I just want a birthday suit that doesn't shrink or wrinkle, is that too much to ask?

The naked truth is hard to hide behind if one's in a birthday suit!

Prudish painters know that birthday suits give fig leaves a reason for being.

I'm glad my blessed birthday suit comes drip-dry!

Look if the Great Creator didn't design those birthday suits then who did?

La belle province - Bienvenue aux costumes d'Adam et d'Eve!

It was definitely a cover-up, because birthday suits never go out of style!

L.A. - capital of cosmetically-enhanced birthday suits!

At 90, it's a relief to know that I'll never outgrow my birthday suit!

Are you sure this birthday suit doesn't have any buttons?

Canada - Home to Eager Beavers & 32,569,394 Below-Zero-Rated Birthday Suits!

No I'm sorry ma'am...we can't make alterations to your birthday suit while you wait.

Do bogies & brownies in birthday suits live in "SuperNatural B.C.?"

For Pete's sake...if you can't laugh...at least learn how to dance in your birthday suit!

Brazil - Where Bossa Nova Birthday Suits Play Naturally!

California - Home to Beach Boys, Big Bucks & Way Too Many Birthday Suits!

For those interested in celebrating "World Birthday Suit Appreciation Day"...pick a convenient sunny day, send invitations early, and wait to see who shows up for this day of delight to honor the skin we're in!

OUR CHURCH OF CHINWAGS & CHUCKLES

Or, "Help Wanted: Ticklish taglines for a tabernacle of titillation"

Patience Pantperhog, a part-time pew-pixy, who's dedicated to finding new ways to save the souls of blasphemous blackberry-users and text-messaging troublemakers.

Pastor Prattle of “Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles”, (and organizer of the annual “Parade of Lost Souls”), suggested that perhaps this procession of piffle and poppycock needed a bit more pizzazz to attract a younger crowd, (better known in the flavor-of-the-month faith-based community as the 'disaffected dogma consumer market segment’).

Rather than rely on a cast of well-worn WASPS who have great difficulty wiggling their tongues in time to the music, the Pastor suggested perhaps something be done to entice a younger audience to partake of the weekly "Happy Hour" (featuring groovy gospel music, munchies and mocktails).

A Committee of Bright Ideas was struck. However, after witnessing a few bolts of lightening ignite one too many burning bushes, the Committee decided that it was safer to seek input from the public by way of a contest.

So, a classified ad was placed in the local paper: “Cheeky Churchisms Wanted”. Parishioners and passersby were invited to crack a few wishbones and exercise their funnybones by offering suggestions for a new church tagline, (that had to grab the attention of the 'plugged in generation').

Below is a selection of the best tacky taglines received by "Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles". (WARNING: The sassy snippets submitted may result in excessive giggling or may cause harmful side-effects such shrieking, smirking or snorting, thus undermining the health and well-being of spiritually compromised consumers or vulnerable born-again bible-thumpers. If this is the case, weak-willed worshippers are advised to avoid participating in either the bi-weekly "Chortle Church Challenge" or the monthly "Mirth Marathon").

Miracles happen when you lose your manual, map, and myopic vision!

Remember, God loves skinny dippers - that’s why he invented birthday suits!

Look smarty-pants the sign said “Turn left to Paradise”, so where are all the angels?

I’ve been to Graceland and the Wasteland, so what are you offering?

Fess up, what’s in it for me to change the tunes on my iPod?

Do I look like a “Ring My Chimes” sorta guy to you?

Me…Take The Road Less Travelled…you must be kidding!

We’ve got the babes and boogie boards…whad’ya mean St. Peter can’t find the Pearly Gates Beach Resort!

To download “Jesus Loves Me” ring tones, you’ll need a cell phone ma’am…

You want me to follow that Yellow Brick Road?

Before I take this heavenly journey…does it come with a scenic route and free snacks?

To a man in blue: “You mean there’s a posted speed limit on the Highway to Heaven?”

I’m not going up that creek without a paddle and a prayer thank you!

Heads up, the halos are coming!

Watch your step, sacred cow crossing ahead!

I’d like to sign up for that “Walk on Water Course”.

How to build a stairway to Paradise without bricks or mortar!

You have reached Cloud Nine, please leave your name and number and we'll return your call when spirit moves us!

If God doesn’t fish, play golf, or shoot pool…exactly what does he do with his buds?

Okay, if God can mend a broken heart, why can't he share the winning lottery number with me?

And now a word from our sponsor …(drum roll please)…the “Big Kahuna Tuna”!

Trust me ... My Karma can run over your Dogma in under 10 seconds!

If God doesn’t drink, gamble, play with the angels…or read minds, how come visitors to Vegas always say, “God only knows what got into me”?

Hmmm….going around in eternal circles is not my idea of serenity!

Stay tuned for the next episode of “Parting the Red Sea the Easy Way!”

“Immaculate Conception” -- truly a spotless match made in heaven!

So next time you’re wondering what to do while waiting in line at the supermarket, perhaps you can come up with some snappy one-liners for “Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles”…the more the merrier!

10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY MUM

Or, What Makes Her A Whacky and Wonderful Woman!

By Victoria Elizabeth, the last member a curious Celtic clan whose main claim to fame is clever claptrapping.


Glancing through my Mum's bodacious box of bits and pieces the other day, I came across something she had carefully tucked away as one of many timeless treasures received over the years from family members and friends.

Since the amusing note below was penned by yours truly several years ago, I'm reminded that each day we have on earth is very precious indeed. And, it's never too late to tell your Mum how much she means to you, (especially when it's neither Mother's Day nor her birthday).

So here are just a few of the things I adore about my Mum:

1. She's a magnetic maven - full of wit, wisdom and oodles of charm.

2. Not the superficial type, she loves a juicy philosophical discussion or a political debate, and why not -- especially if she's read all the "Great Books" known to man, and gone to university in the fifth decade of her life!

3. An organizer 'par excellence', she truly shines when entertaining the family clan, the neighbors, the local Mahjong group...and come to think of it...a whole host of visiting firemen over the years.

4. She's one very bright, perceptive and creative soul...who's never at a loss for words, but spelling them...well that's another matter.

5. She's a born money manager and a prudent investor -- besides, I don't know any other chronologically-gifted gal who banks by phone, types her own email, and trades on line!

6. Never boring, she's keen to tell wicked stories, ask provocative questions, and play all manner of games to keep a party going.

7. A kindred sprit of the other world and an avid late-night radio listener, she communicates effortlessly with critters large and small not to mention the invisible folk.

8. She loves all living things be they pesky people, potty plants or precocious pets including her frolicking, four-legged, furry companion named "Ben".

9. Born with a logical mind, a pragmatic spoon in her mouth, and a set of 'house rules'...all she wants are lots of little conundrums to puzzle over plus a few doggone doozies to solve thank you.

10. And last but not least, she can burn toast with the best of them -- but she's the only one I know who'll turn around without missing a beat and tell you, "It's good for your constitution"!