THINGS I WOULD DO IF I HAD SUPERHUMAN POWERS

Or, What would I do if I was the "Wily Wonder Wench"?

There’s lots of stuff I’d do if I was the only Wily Wonder Wench in the whole wide world. 

Here are just a few of the things that would keep me busy (instead of my usual habit of waiting for Godot to arrive).

1.  Walk on water (I've always wanted to do that; besides, the burning bush and loaf of bread miracles have already been claimed by other wee folk).

2.  Talk to animals and plants (frankly, I’m all for inter-species communication to reduce the hot air levels in the universe and increase the joy of hanging out together).

3.  Turn testy folk into toads (this is bound to strike terror into the hearts of the serenity-challenged but guarantee the rest of us nothing but uninterrupted bliss).

4.  Own the world’s only flying-carpet franchise (this is a truly untapped, sure-fire, win-win business opportunity).

5.  Trounce the One-Eyed, One Horned Flying Purple People Eater (the one responsible for organizing fruitless wars to settle accounts and leaving behind nothing but a frightful mess).

6.  Organize Dream Teams of Fairy Godmothers with magic wands to turn everyone’s longings into reality (that way everyone can be Cinderella and Prince Charming for a change).

7.  Hire my Sagittarian friend Cupid (to bring lots more love into the world).

8.  Immortalize Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny (so they can keep up with the growing demand for their intangible heart-warming services).

9.  Fly to the moon and play among the stars (this will satisfy my insatiable curiosity about time travel excursions and meeting other inter-galactic folk).

10. Befriend the Goddess of Glitch (that way I can head off unwelcome surprises at the pass, before all hell breaks loose).

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Note.  If you want to practice your superhuman powers on earth...fire up your imagination and blast off...and before I forget..."May the Force be with you...Twinkle Toes!".

  

  

 

THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T SAY OR DO AT AN INTERVIEW

Or, what would my hero Mr. Magoo do in a tight spot?


My mother always taught me to smile nicely to everyone. She also told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, just bite my tongue and not say anything at all. But, she forgot to tell me what I shouldn’t say or do at interviews (especially those arranged by some very strange people in even stranger places).

I remember one job interview I had in a windowless cubbyhole where the interviewer wanted me to describe the qualities of an animal that I most resembled. When I responded with a porpoise...because they're agile, friendly, playful and smart...he told me only female lions need apply (apparently they're great for hunting wild meat)! That'll teach me to stop and read the shingle on any door that reads, "Industrial Psychologists".

Another time, I responded to an ad for a position with a certain Chamber of Commerce (located right next door to a nude hairstyling salon). The President arrived late and promptly grilled me about why I had chosen to wear business attire that day. Being nimble on my feet, I told him that if I had known that their dress code was birthday suits, perhaps we should have arranged the interview next door. Suffice to say, I didn’t land the job but I had oodles of fun that day, including leaving a dish of individually-wrapped peppermint patties behind for everyone on the interview panel to enjoy!

So, my best advice to interviewees, just follow the rules of show-and-tell you learned in school. Be cool, be brief, and be prepared. And if that doesn’t work, then go to Plan B...you remember...bluff, boast, and blow their socks off!

Last but not least, if you’re really stuck for an answer at an interview, just ask yourself what your favorite cartoon character would do. Then give it all you’ve got!! And let's face it, what's the worst thing that could happen...they won't hire you. When all is said and done, give your head a rest and always take pride in one undeniable fact -- they’ll never ever forget you! And in this exceptionally crowded marketplace that's one heck of a feat for anyone!!!!

So here are a few of my suggestions for things not to say or do at your next interview:


-- “Do you have an anti-wink clause in your sexual harassment policy?”

-- Roll your eyes, sigh and sway from side to side (on second thought, your tippling cow impression only works after a very long liquid lunch).

-- “I’m allergic to cube farms, but my doctor said a corner office would be okay.”

-- Snort, whinny or prance about (hmmm...if you recall the last time you pulled that stunt...your supervisor sent you packing faster than your last spouse did).

-- “I've only got one question to ask, can I wear my moxie maven moo-moo on casual Fridays?”
-- Hum your favorite nursery rhyme quietly between questions (this however should be done sparingly, so as not to distract the twats running “show and tell”).

-- “Could you repeat the question please, so my other personalities can give you their considered opinion on the matter?”

-- Smack your lips when describing your career accomplishments (just leave out the part about putting bubble bath salts in the water cooler)!

-- “My last performance review stated that I worked well with other water signs such as crabs, fish and scorpions, but that I could use some help with Taurus and Virgo types.”

-- Pull out your knitting needles and ball of yarn; then begin by casting one stich on and one one stitch off. (This will demonstrate your ability to concentrate on three things at once...handling their innane questions with aplomb, counting using the onesy method with certainty, and mastering a stress-busting digital device with alacrity.)

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THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T SAY TO YOUR DENTIST

Or...take YOUR foot out of my MY mouth!


A visit to the dentist is usually an invitation to pain. That’s why I prefer to brush my two front teeth regularly and seek solace from Thor (the Norse God of Thunder, Hell, Fire & Damnation). After all, it’s the best defense I know against Whomp (faithful man-servant to the Goddess of Glitch) responsible for crooked smiles, bleeding gums, and buzzard’s breath.

But as fate would have it, when my back molar unexpectedly broke in half…while dining on Won Ton soup at my favorite Chinese restaurant…the only thing I could do was gasp, bid a hasty farewell to my dinner guests, and set out on my journey for a jawsmith.

Not having befriended many members of the ivory carpentry brotherhood over the years, looking for a courteous, friendly, cheerful office wasn’t really in the cards for me. I just went with the biggest yellow page ad I could find – Toothtown on Foul Bay Road.

The only piece of advice I can give you is, when faced with the masked doctor of doom peering down into your mouth, hold your tongue.

On the other hand, you can always let your inner child out and have some fun. Unless of course you’re concerned that you might not leave with a full set of chompers in your precious pinhead!

So without further adieu, here are a few of my favorite things not to say to the dentist:


-- Since you're such a know-it-all, guess how many old growth trees are cut down every year to make these tasteless tongue depressors?

-- I’m only going to fill out your patient survey if you’ve got a strawberry-flavored sucker with my name on it!

-- At the rate you’re pulling out wisdom teeth these days, I’ll bet knowledge managers aren’t beating a path to your door!

-- My safe sex therapist told me dental dams work wonders in a passionate pinch…so, can you lend me one to try out?

-- Look, if I let you yank out my best bicuspid, can you get me a date with the Tooth Fairy?

-- If Bucky Beaver doesn’t need botox, a toupee, or tooth whiteners, neither do I!

-- Hmmm…do you have a better bite payment plan for vampires?

-- Is hoof-in-mouth disease your specialty...you calcified little cretin?

-- My dear, your S&M techniques definitely leave something to be desired!

-- Just because my mouth’s full of mercury doesn’t mean I’m polluted!

-- Can I bring a couple of friends along to your next laughing gas party?

-- If the good news is I suffer from TTS (Toothless Twerp Syndrome), what’s the bad news?

-- So, if falsies work for the hooter-challenged, what’ve you got for flapping gums?

-- My frigging bite’s fine thank you…it’s my computer that’s on the fritz!

-- Your classified ad says you offer "express mobile crown service"…so I'd like a big sparkly one, along with a sceptre and a mace delivered to my throne room tomorrow please.

-- Okay, so how many Air Plan miles do I get if I you polish my tongue, clean my fangs, and install an anti-snoring device?

-- If your motto is “Dentistry with a Difference” then where’s the water-bed, music and wet bar?

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If you want to giggle, guffaw, or just plain goof off for a couple of hours...be sure to pick up a game of "THINGS" (Humor-in-a-Box) from your local toy store, or order on line at: http://www.thingsthegame.com

THINGS YOU CAN NEVER FIND

Or, where's the 'you-know-what-I mean', the whatchamacallit, or the thingamybob?

Things you can never find have a lot to do with your state of mind.

For example, if you're a "Freedom Fifty-Fiver" in a tizzy and can't recall what you were looking for in the first place, you'll conclude you've either been touched by an Angel or been zapped by one too many Zinger teas.

If you're working your blinking buns off at home, in a cubicle, or on the shopfloor somewhere, (and can't find the blessed "thing")...you'll probably pull your hair out, get your knickers in a knot, or utter lots of naughty words...all in vain of course. By the way, if all else fails, count to ten and invoke the name of the Lost & Found Goddess...who knows, your "thing" might just turn up!

And, if perchance you're a male, (encountering a "macho-less" moment), then you'll probably resort to using the latest conspiracy theory to justify who took your "thing" when you weren't looking.

Meanwhile, (back at the ranch where all hell is breaking loose), you'll find me putting together a list of things that can't be found under any circumstances.

1. The keys to heaven. (By the way, have you ever wondered why it is that the door to hell is always open?)

2. A tiger in a tank. (Hey, the only thing I recall jumping around lately at the pump are young gas jockeys and soaring petrol prices!)

3. A widget. (I've yet to see the damned thing, let alone find a blueprint for it.)

4. Heffalump Vulgaris. (The name of the blankety-blank biped species responsible for leaving messy spots around outdoor biffy holes and public toilet seats.)

5. Invisible ink. (It seems that this item is reserved for use only on ceremonial occasions by high-muck-a-mucks and minor potentates while the plebes are relegated to using broken pencils and magic erasers.)

6. The Tooth Fairy. (How I'd love to get my hands on her treasury of chompers so I can toss my loose-fitting dentures once and for all!)

7. The on-ramp to the Yellow Brick Freeway. (Frankly, my CAA roadmap has no Emerald City on it...which probably accounts for why I'm going around in stupid little circles and driving myself crazy!)

8. Thinking caps. (Wall-Mart, The Gap, and Old Navy don't stock them...apparently there's no demand for them in America these days.)

9. Square circles. (Scientists, philosophers, mystics and the odd back-bench politician or two have been working on this peculiar paradox for centuries while the rest of us have been waiting impatiently for Godot to show up with the freaking answer!)

10. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. (The only ones who seem really keen on finding the loot are precocious little tikes under the age of three, their fantasy-minded friends affectionately known as 'the wee folk', and me.)

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THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T ACCEPT FROM STRANGERS

And why not pray tell...?

Here's my list of 10 things that I would probably decline if offered to me by strangers (aka incidental tourists) or aliens from outer space (aka those who are unlikely to be on my wonky wavelength).

1. Any unsolicited piece of advice (unless it comes with a no-questions asked, money-back guarantee).

2. A previously-enjoyed wad of chewing gum (unless it's my very favorite, you know, the passion juicy fruit one).

3. A starring role in a blue movie (unless I can play the 'do-this-do-that', domintrix diva).

4. A ride on the back of an alligator (unless it comes with a saddle and a muzzle on its mouth).

5. A sumptuous meal of pickled pigs feet and fried fish gills garnished with dirty foot cheese (unless they serve soft neopolitan ice-cream sprinkled with chocolate candy kisses for dessert).

6. A black, hairy, four-legged creature (unless it can wag its tail and obey my every command).

7. An invitation to open Pandora's Box (unless the only thing inside is a winning lottery ticket).

8. A book that will save me (not unless it has fewer than 5 pages and is written by the Big Kahuna or the Guru of Glitch).

9. A challenging round of golf (frankly, whacking a bunch of itty bitty balls into 18 tiny holes and yelling "fore" is not my idea of fun ...unless of course my opponent worships the ground I walk on, lets me keep score, and pays homage to me as the Deity of Divots).

10. A proposal of marriage (unless it's from Prince Charming with no strings attached plus a credit card in my name and no spending limit).

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THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T TIE TO THE ROOF OF YOUR VEHICLE

Oops, why didn't I think of that...

Some folks in Lotusland are at best naieve and at worst just plain fools.

When asked what things should not be tied to the roof of one's vehicle, under any circumstances...here are a few of their "super-natural" responses.

1. Ogopogo (an endangered slimy, bottom-sucking creature that keeps a lakeside tourist town alive).

2. Any PVC inflatable life-size mascot (not approved by Transport Canada for use on public roads).

3. Big Foot (aka an anti-social, hirusitic, halatosis-challenged species with whom you wouldn't want to be seen even on a blind date).

4. Your neighbor's snarky pit bull (not a bad idea, but the SPCA will start asking far too many questions that you can't answer).

5. Your mother-in-law wearing her favorite bibbidy bobbity boo outfit (...why not learn to love your Fairy Godmother or she won't leave you her magic wand in her will).

6. Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed-Reindeer (okay, so you don't like u-brew ungulates but let me remind you that Santa will make sure you're off his Christmas list for good should you even contemplate putting this trophy on the hood of your four-wheel drive, half-ton, pick-up truck).

7. Your tack-spitting grade 6 Math teacher (...forget it, he's got Alzheimer's and will drive you nuts drawing smiley faces everywhere).

8. Those bright red bloomers or boxer shorts with the little green salamanders (nice try, but the white heads on your street will probably dial 911 to report a pervert in the neighbourhood).

9. A heavy-duty sound system with sub-woofers and the wafting sounds of heavy breathing (bound to keep the neighbours awake all night...and another 911 call...ah shucks).

10. Any tacky piece of public art (...now there's a sure-fire reason why you won't be attending the Mayor's fabulous New Year's patronage party any time soon).

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THINGS YOU WON'T FIND IN THE DICTIONARY

Or, why we need a "Lost and Found" word bin.

Why are the following words not in the dictionary you ask?

The short answer is probably because no one uses them but me.

The long answer is more likely that:

1) some people lack the curiosity to invent words for unidentified trivial objects, unclassified tacky people, or unrecognized trite circumstances lurking about in the universe;
2) some homo sapiens lack the time to market them unless doing so will make them gazillionnaires; and

3) some earthlings are short on the talent required to convince word banks to invest in unfamiliar no-name things.

So, to make a long story short...here's a list of nonce words in my colourful vocabulary that have not yet found their way into any dictionary.

blue-toothinger n. one who sends titillating text messages to udder strangers on nearby cell-phones.

botchism n. a management or political philosophy based on smashing stuff to smithereens and then hiring Humpty Dumpty to put the frigging mess back together again.

butology n. the esoteric science of perfecting lame excuses to the nth degree.

emoticonist n. a one-dimensional multiple personality with an untreatable punctuation disorder.

gazillionnaire n. one who owns a chauffer-driven, gas-guzzling, behmouth of a military jeep with padded leather seats, a champagne-sipping blond bombshell inside, and a police escort with sirens blaring, "Here Comes the Chief".

heeving meemies n.pl. long-forgotten blue-movie clips that surface unexpectedly during the ascension of a shooting starlette from Hollywood.

nilpotentate n. technical term for any individual who is equal to zero when raised to any power.

niminy-piminyist n. euphemism for one who dots the i's, crosses the t's and cuts corporate head counts with glee.

nipper-upper n. polite term meaning not your average tippler; those who snort more than is socially acceptable, talk non-stop, and insist on stating every degree, title, and award they've got in their email signature line.

prepumptuous adj. descriptive of gas jockeys now turned celebrities with obscene salaries, nasty tempers, and inflated cerebellums.

shediditism n. belief in the existence of the corrupt, evil, incorrigible Bad Tooth Fairy.

Should readers be interested in adding these words to their vocabulary, please feel free to do so. And, should the nice folks from Webster's like to supplement their beautiful big book of very important meanings with these humble expressions...The Quipping Queen would be delightfully surprised, highly amused and of course, ever so grateful.

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For all you weird word warrious out there with lots of time on your hands, why not invite a few friends over to play a hilarious new game called, "THINGS" (Humor-in-a-Box).  Just drop by your local toy store and ask for it, or order it on-line at http://www.thingsthegame.com

TOP 10 THINGS TO PUT ON YOUR RESUME TO GET NOTICED!

Or, how to deliver a dollop of a whollop!


If shameless self-promotion is the name of the game in our brand-conscious society, then why not leave your merry mark behind for someone else to enjoy -- and even make their day!

Ignore all the usual advice about careful writing and proofreading given by every job counselor you know. Just read the helpful hints below, so you can claim your 30 seconds of fame as a "President's Choice" candidate before being buried in a gargantuan slush pile or scrunched into a thick file folder along with the other 1, 247 candidates for the "job-of-a-lifetime" in a "Fortune 500" company.

1. USE THE LETTERS OF YOUR NAME TO FORM YOUR OWN ANAGRAM. (This will demonstrate how enterprising, perspicacious, and resourceful you really are...even if your Mum, your third grade teacher and your last boss haven't got a clue what you're talking about. For best results check out www.anagram.com).

2. INVENT NEW WORDS (such as "dingbatter", "emoticonist", or "ostrichnort") AND USE THEM TO DESCRIBE THE MOST CHALLENGING PERSON YOU EVER MET. (This will indicate your off-the-wall problem-solving ability, your gift of the gab, and your passionate penchant for gadflying, gleeful garbling and gorgeous gobbledygooking.)

3. LEAVE LARGE GAPS IN YOUR EMPLOYMENT HISTORY. (This is helpful because now you can fill in the blanks with your favorite hobby...toad taxidermy... and your other eccentric vocational pursuit...hosting pajama parties for piffleberries and heffalumps.)

4. USE A CARTOON TO DESCRIBE YOUR MOST ADMIRING QUALITIES. (This is a wonderful opportunity to expose your bitty bumps, wonky worts, and saucy sense of humor to any number of unsuspecting souls or bemusing braggadocios who inhabit the universe of everything great and small.)

5. CAPITALIZE ON YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN. (Besides telling them you're a fishy Pisces...indicate the zodiac signs with whom you are most compatible...and don't forget to mention who should not come within 10 feet of you if their life depends on it.)

6. BE PROUD OF YOUR POLITICAL STRIPES IF YOU'RE A TIGER. (However, it's best to be colour coordinated if you plan on working in a fish tank.)

7. USE SOME SPICY QUOTATIONS OR SPUNKY SAYINGS. (This will provide your reader with a welcome relief from the altogether boring, monotonous, or time-wasting resumes residing in the gargantuan slush pile euphemistically called, "Never Never Land".)

8. BE TOTALLY ABOVE BOARD ABOUT YOUR RELIABILITY. (Indicate that you surf close to home, always have your Net Nanny activated, and usually keep your vibrating cell phone with a terrific titillating tune discretely in your posing pouch.)

9. MENTION ANY ODD OR ECCENTRIC PEOPLE OF LATE WITH WHOM YOU'VE HAD THE PLEASURE OF WORKING. (This will provide prospective employers with an engaging reality check before they decide to assign you a starring role in "Scapegoat Of The Month".)

10. DON'T FORGET TO HIGHLIGHT ANY BOOBY PRIZE(S) YOU'VE WON. (Frankly, there are far too many fame-focused folk running around with "winning" medals, "biggy-wiggy" trophies and "somebody thinks I'm the cat's meow" plaques. Let's face it, any recognition of your unabashed 'last place' finish would be refreshing change in a wacky world full of wannabe Kings of the Castle.)

So to sum it all up, may the frigging force be with you for now and evermore. And, may you find the Yellow Brick Road to whereever it is you're going, get the gold-plated key to the Executive Throne Room, and be bestowed a terrifically tacky title like "Mogul of Munchkinland"!

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Now for all you folks out there in Cube Farm Land, why not try something different to spice up your tiddly-pum day! Pick up a hilarious new game called "THINGS" (Humor-in-a-Box) from your local toy store, or order it on-line at http://www.thingsthegame.com