HOW TO MAKE A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

Or, can you really complete these sentences?

By Theolonius McTavish, a gallant if not good-natured gladiator with a thistle in his tam who has difficulty swallowing haggis, doing the hokey-pokey, or sleeping in a hammock, (a trio of trivial tribulations with which one daring dude must contend).


Every year, millions of minions around the globe must prepare for the inevitable ritual of “New Year’s Resolutions”.

To aid those who cannot come up with anything that ressembles a reliable (on second thought ripsnorting) resolution, I am providing my own version below. (Note: select one item in parentheses).

This year I resolve to no longer obsess about my (frigging freckles, flat feet, or furrowed brow), my (receding hairline, expanding waistline, or kingsized keister), or my (fashionable faux-pas, frequent forages into the refrigerator, or far too many trips to the throne room/water-closet to count).

Because I am already really good at (finger-painting, snakes-and-ladders, or pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey), and (skating on thin ice, walking on water, or swimming with sharks) not to mention (burping, flatulating, or snoring), but only when absolutely necessary.

Sure, I ate a lot over the past month, but that’s okay, because I had a fabulous time (courting candy-canes, flirting over fruitcakes, or trifling with hot toddies) and (chewing the fat, draining the cup, or licking the bowl) with (Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or I can’t recall…is this a trick question?).

After the holidays, I’ll simply get back on track by not (drinking like a fish, eating like a pig, or wolfing down food like there’s no tomorrow), and (passing on the punch bowl, swearing off sweets, or turning down those tantalizing treats), after I've practiced (hustling my bustle, jumping through hoops, or running around in little circles).

This year I am going to take more time to: (beat my breast, leap to conclusions, or pat myself on the back) and more time to (hug trees, pet rocks or watch paint dry).

My name is (The Big Kahuna, Queen Bee if you please, …or your favorite moniker), and this year I’m going to stay cool, eat well, and put the fun back in the “fundamentals” of life... so there!!

VEGGIE VAGABONDS & VIXENS WANTED

Or, how to promote veggies in a voluptuous way

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Piffle at the University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Great Snoring (Norfolk).

Veggies are not the first thing that comes to mind when puttering aimlessly about the overflowing shelves and and along the aisles of today's honking great supermarkets.

Frankly, veggies have been given a very bad rap by food fashionistas. Other than one swashbuckling American hero, (an eccentric pipe-smoking sailor named Popeye), few folks ever dare to chomp on spinach lest a wayward piece embarrassingly lodge between their two front teeth.

In the interests of enhancing the consumption of veggies full of virile vitamins, I have enlisted the support of my dear friend Tom Woo, (a grocery guru by trade who has suggested a few name changes in the hope of attracting a new audience).

-- Alluring Asparagus
-- Aimiable Avocado
-- Ardent Artichokes
-- Bathing Beauty Bamboo Shoots
-- Beloved Basil
-- Bawdy Brussels Sprouts
-- Bodacious Bok Choy
-- Breathtaking Beans
-- Buxom Beets
-- Brazen Broccoli
-- Captivating Cabbage
-- Carnal Carrots
-- Cheeky Chives
-- Chic Celery
-- Casanova Cauliflower
-- Caring Cucumber
-- Kissing Kale
-- Kismet Kidney Beans
-- Erotic Eggplants
-- Enamored Endive
-- Flirty Fennel
-- Gadfly Garlic
-- Libidinous Lettuce
-- Licentious Lentils
-- Luscious Ladyfingers
-- Lusty Leeks
-- Magnificent Marrow
-- Magic Mushrooms
-- Orgasmic Onions
-- Passionate Potatoes
-- Potent Peppers
-- Predisposed Parsnips
-- Provocative Parsley
-- Risque Rutabaga
-- Robust Radishes
-- Romancing Romaine
-- Scintillating Swisschard
-- Sensual Squash
-- Sultry Snow Peas
-- Shapely Shallots
-- Succulent Spinach
-- Stimulating Sprouts
-- Tantalizing Tomatoes
-- Wanton Watercress
-- Yearning Yucca
-- Zesty Zucchini

________

For those interested in the nuances of vegetable names please consult Mighty Fine Words And Smashing Expressions.

For those turned off turnips or members of the vulgar veggy family, (probably the lumpy, bumpy and icky yellow ones), feel free to pick up a copy of The Ugly Vegetables by Grace Lin.

And last but not least, for those seeking a more intriguing, entertaining and informative romp through a practical handbook on pumpkin-oriented paramours, please consult the Dictionary of Aphrodisiacs by H.E. Wedeck.

TOP 10 WAYS TO APPRECIATE THE WRITING IN THIS BLOG

Or, why you should exercise your eyeballs at least once a day

By the Quipping Queen, a quirky quaffing quidnunc who enjoys whistling in the wind, sampling egg-nog and brandy flavored ice-cream with a rather large soup spoon, and munching on shortbread cookies before bedtime.

Many readers ask me what's so special about my blog that they should read it, let alone recommend it to others.

The short answer is, if you have to ask this uninspiring question -- perhaps counting sheep, humming rum-tiddly-pum, or waiting for Godot is more up your alley.

On the other hand, for those who can't wait to explore the unknown, here are the top ten ways to appreciate the writing in this blog.

1. With a good stiff drink in hand, (because it helps to put a busy mind at ease in order to keep track of the odd collection of characters who drop by the Court of the Quipping Queen).

2. With a pair of rose colored glasses (so as to provide a different perspective on the oddities of life, the wackiness of the universe, and everything else that happens serendipitously).

3. In solitude, preferably the ensconced in the confines of a posh powder room or a substantial throne room (one of the few places one can go these days for a bit of well-deserved privacy).

4. Attired in one's birthday suit (to appreciate the naked truth).

5. Well before the consumption of a large meal (so as to prevent belching all over the contents).

6. Preferably without the aid of an iPod, TV, or CD playing in the background (known to distract even the most conscientious bookworms).

7. Under extenuating circumstances, fully-attired readers may peruse the latest blog entry in the waiting room of their accountant, dentist, lawyer, physician, or veterinarian, (provided they share the contents with these professionals who may not have a funnybone or if they possess one, do not know how to tickle it).

8. On holidays, (instead of reading utterly boring Blackberry messages sent by one's churly children, crabby colleagues, or bleeping boss).

9. Without anything in one's lap, (be it an animal companion or a carnal one...neither of whom can understand why the absurd, odd, or weird side of life appeals to you more than they do).

10. After yoga or meditation, (after all one needs something scintillating to fill in the blanks of life, and a good deal less stressful than connecting the dots or crossing the t's and dotting the i's).

NOTE: For those who wretch at the thought of reading another word, please share your thoughtless remarks with your pet rock. For those who are mildly enamored of with the contents, please be advised that you may need another shot of something stronger to fall madly in love with the blog. And for those who are ecstatic, please refrain from tossing me a bouquet of flowers ...they wilt fast but, if you must, I'll let you know where you can courier me the very finest box of truffles.

__________

And before I sign off, I would like to thank the folks from Wordlab for recognizing on December 22, 2006 in their feature, 25,000 Mile Stones, the modest contribution made to their online wordboard forum by a mirthful maven monarch, not to mention Liz Strauss, a very successful blogger for her Blogger A Day Award.

It seems that there's one powerful potentate in the online world, (named "Bloggy Awards"), who enjoys judging the merits of the written word, and it seems he has lots to say about QQ's sister blog, Wordorium.

10 THINGS TO SAY AFTER GETTING AN UNWANTED GIFT

Or, mouths were made for mumbling many mirthful murmurings

By Daphne Droitwitch, a merry-minded mystery shopper who adores picking up perplexing presents designed to drive recipients right round the bend


The season of glad tidings and good cheer is fraught with problems, like what to buy someone who has everything.

The answer to this question is to search high and low for the wackiest item on the store shelf, something that you can’t imagine your friend or family member would even dare to purchase.

Half the fun of course is seeing the look on the face of the receiver.

But if you’re perchance the “giftee”, and at a loss for words, take the following valuable advice.

Never be caught without a few ripsnorting retorts for that great holiday gift you wish you hadn’t received from Grandma Myrtle, cousin Horace, or that cute cube farm mate at work.

1. Your choice of odd apparel is a perfect fit … for my gerbil.

2. I know my mother wouldn’t be caught dead wearing this; I guess that’s why St. Peter sent it back with his best regards.

3. And here I thought all these years that you liked my birthday suit.

4. Never kick a gift horse in the mouth, but no one said I can’t pin a tail on a donkey.

5. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them for all they’re worth…and I intend to do just that!

6. I know you care enough to send the very best …but your goat will not fit in my garage, so I’m sending it back to you to cut your grass.

7. Of course I love your present, when did you say your birthday is?

8. Thanks, this will be a great addition to my bunkum book collection in my Little Loo Library.

9. Super…the next housewarming party I attend, I’ll be sure to throw this on the fire!

10. I know you like playing Father Christmas, but unless you can control your urge to yell ho-ho-ho all over the place and scare the pets, I’m gonna have to call Santa's security service to haul you away.

THANK HEAVEN FOR SANTA!

Or, aren't you glad it's "Jolly Socks" season!

By Theolonius McTavish, a jolly joy-stick rider with a penchant for bright red, flanalette, long-johns and jumbo-sized empty socks that hang from the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nick likes wash-and-wear!

Much is made of the ho-ho-ho holiday season. But let's face it, what would it be without a saucy sexegenarian making a spectacle of himself, so much so that his little round belly shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jello.

Frankly, who else would be caught dead speeding around in a super-charged sleigh, consuming far too much milk and cookies for his own good health, and then yelling ho-ho-ho at the top of his lungs just to let everyone know he's got a sack full of stuff made by a bunch of over-worked elves?

Clearly, I'm not the only one who has a few reservations about this heavy-duty holiday season and a humongous ho-ho-ho-er with several handles: SANTA, Father Christmas, or Kris Kringle.

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." -- George Carlin

"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." -- Victor Borge

"I never believed in Santa Claus becaue I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark." -- Dick Gregory

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." -- W.C. Fields

"God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat." -- H.L. Mencken

"Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip." -- Gary Allen

"Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses." -- Anonymous

"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernable source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?" -- Tim Armstrong (from Marvin)

"A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus." -- Herbert Hoover

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe he's smoking?" -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus".

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to a department store, and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple

"I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives." -- Groucho Marx

"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic." -- Anonymous

And in this world of wit and wonk, thank God Benny Hill put things straight!

"Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
If it weren't for Christmas,
We'd all be Jewish."

THINK SANTA LIVES AT THE NORTH POLE?

Or, will the real North Pole please stand up!

By Theolonius McTavish who suffers from Santa Syndrome caused by peer pressure; unmistakable symptoms include snorting at the sight of elves, using heavy-duty air freshners to remove the odor of rutting reindeer, and temporary hearing loss associated with jingling bells.

Everyone knows that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.

It has to be true because every year kids and grown-ups send their wish lists there via email, snail mail, or courier companies with an overnight delivery guarantee.

The only hitch is that there's only one North Pole in the world, (and it's not even situated in the red, white and blue star-spangled banner country on earth).

To overcome this geographic glitch, Americans came up with ...you guessed it ...a very long list of "North Poles".

Heaven forbid, we can't have all that precious mail destined for the glee-conscious guy in a red suit to go missing. And, we sure as heck don't want to upset the biggest Kris Kringle ka-ching season on record.

So, if you're worried about whether Santa will receive your request for a new digital doodad or a frilly bit of frippery, fear not. Rest assured, there are many places to drop off your note to that fetching fellow at the North Pole:

-- North Pole (Santa watchers claim that he stores his sleigh and snowshoes in Alaska)
-- North Pole Knob (no Virginia, they've never heard about igloos in Newton County, Arkansas)
-- North Pole Mine (where Santa sends folks who've been naughty in Gunnison County, Colorado)
-- North Pole Peak (the elves wear spurs in San Miguel County, Colorado)
-- North Pole Lake (where they don't like skating on thin ice in Blaine County, Idaho)
-- North Pole (red spandex long-johns are a huge hit in Idaho County, Idaho)
-- North Pole (a populated place full of couch potatoes in Idaho)
-- North Pole Mound (Dorothy and Toto get more votes than Santa in Elk County, Kansas)
-- North Pole Creek (where it's fun to watch the ice melt in Broadwater County, Montana)
-- North Pole Tunnel (Santa's underground access to a casino in Lincoln County, Nevada)
-- North Pole (a populated place full of red-nosed folk in Essex County, New York)
-- North Pole (a sweet saucy summit in Clinton County, New York)
-- North Pole Road Bridge (where trolls lie in wait for Santa's sleigh in Brown County, Ohio)
-- North Pole Mine (Santa's stash of fool's gold in Baker County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Creek (Sasquatch is more popular than Santa in Deschutes County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Ridge (word has it there are no elves in Sherman County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Spring (they've never heard of reindeer in Custers County, South Dakota)
-- North Pole Gulf (where the polar bear swim isn't popular in Rhea County, Tennessee)
-- North Pole Canyon (a valley of full of Ebenezer Scrooges in Dickens County, Texas)
-- North Pole Pass (a magnetic place in Utah that welcomes the second-coming of Santa Claus)

Not to put too fine a compass point on it, but the one and only, 100% money-back guaranteed true "North Pole" can be found in a place full of eager beavers, bears, breathtakingly big bugs, not to mention those abominable people of snow who prance and putz about in this cold climate country called Canada.

__________

Wanna see more places, visit http://www.placenames.com/.

BLANKETY BLANK BLANKS

Or, why the bleep should anyone care?

By Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-expectation lounge lizards with lofty literary pretensions

According to a leading tickle-me-pink trend-spotter by the name of Professor Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Dean of Do-Nothing & Drollery at the University of Unanticipated Unlikelihoods), the world of blankety blank blanks is increasing at an ever alarming pace.

His rich recollective research into the obscure oddities of life on planet Earth reveals no less than 102,000 web pages currently devoted to the timely topic of blank looks. Professor Hadweenzic speculates that perhaps the sharp increase in the frequency of blank looks is inversely proportional to the number of blank maps of Canada ordered by elementary teachers. Only time will tell.

An even more scintillating statistic is that an astounding 341,000 web pages are dedicated to the existence of titleless tomes better known as blank books. Dr. Hadweenzic suggests that the burgeoning blank book business may in part be attributed to the ever-expanding cache of hidden cookies found on blank web pages. So grab your credit card and pick up a copy of your favorite fake folio before it disappears for good!

And if that doesn't rock your socks off, perhaps knowing that 1,190,000 web pages underline the importance of filling in the blanks correctly will certainly do so. Otherwise the Law of Loopholes will prevail and you'll find yourself failing, flopping, or simply flunking your next exam. It is important to note that the esteemed Dean of Do-Nothing & Drollery had precious little to say about this unmerciful, unmistakable, if not unrewarding fact of life.

However, the good news is that if the latter untoward event should happen, you can take solace in the fact that there's a cute consolation prize waiting for you with your name engraved on it. Oh whoop-dee-do! Won't your family and friends be impressed when you pull out your Blankety Blank Cheque Book and Pen Set at your next glee-challenged gathering.

ONLY IN NORTH AMERICA

Or, paradoxical places to visit in the heartland of stars, spangled banners, and snowshoes

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, PhD (a pretty hopeless dingbat) who occupies a place of honor in The Creative Loafing Institute as Dean of Dross & Drollery, and Occasional Chairperson of the Cheerful Chinwag & Chortle Department when the spirit moves him

North America, heartland of baubles and bling, glitter and glam, plus oodles of stars, spangled banners and way too many snowshoes, is also a hilarious hub of paradoxical places one can choose to settle down or simply set up shop.

A quirky quilt of posh if not sometimes peculiar place names exits to meet the needs of eclectic, eccentric, and entertaining folk looking for a place to plop.

Indeed, one does not have to look to far to find a delightful directory of dazzling places to visit. There’s a wonderfully wonky selection of titillating towns to choose from, (especially if one is into big screen personalities).

• Archie (Louisiana)
• Ben Franklin (Texas)
• Ben Hur (Texas)
• Ben Hur (Virginia)
• Big Foot (Texas)
• Big Ugly (West Virginia)
• Buddha (Indiana)
• Flintstone (Maryland)
• George (Washington)
• Homerville (Goergia)
• King Arthur’s Court (Michigan)
• King of Prussia (Pennsylvania)
• Frankenstein (Missouri)
• Napoleon (North Dakota)
• Papa (Hawaii)
• Pocahontas (Arkansas)
• Romeo (Michigan)
• Robinhood (Maine)
• Ruff Starbuck (Washington)
• Santa Claus (Indiana)
• Santa Claus (Georgia)
• Satan's Kingdom (Vermont)
• Tarzan (Texas)
• Tolstoy (South Dakota)
• Uncle Sam (Louisiana)
• Voltaire (North Dakota)

On the other hand, if one lives north of the 49th parallel, the scintillating show-stopper spots on the map truly leave a lot to be desired:

• Bugaboos (British Columbia)
• Cupids (in Newfoundland)
• Disney Island (Ontario)
• Disraeli (Quebec)
• Druid (Saskatchewan)
• Ebenezer (Prince Edward Island)
• Hitchcock (Saskatchewan)
• Mermaid (Prince Edward Island)
• Mozart (Saskatchewan)
• Nixon (Ontario)
• Starbuck (Manitoba)
• Sultan (Ontario)
• Viking (Alberta)
• Vulcan (Alberta)
• Xena (Saskatchewan)